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Thread: How do I get my partner more involved in TTC?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Northern Ireland

    Question How do I get my partner more involved in TTC?

    Ok, we've spent a long time talking about wanting to start a family, and as it becomes more real (we just had our first home insemination), she seems to be distancing herself from it all. It's different with guys, because they play the main roll in making the baby, but she just feels so left out of everything. Anyone who knows we're trying keeps asking me how its going, including her mum, and I duno how to include her more in everything!!! It's getting to the point where she gets annoyed if I point out a cute baby on the street!! I don't want to exclude her, but I've no idea how to include her. During the home insemination I had to fight with her to get her to push she plunger on the syringe (she has a sperm phobia) thinking she'd feel like we were making the baby, but apart from that, I duno wat to do! Anyone have any suggestions?

  2. #2

    Join Date
    May 2007


    Hi Scruffles,

    I'll start of this post by saying I'm the booby mumma, but I'll get Shel to come on when she is home and write some stuff too from her point of view.

    I found Shel was really distant at first, this was before we even went to a clinic, just when we were 'researching', I had no idea why, I assumed she wasn't interested, until I talked to her and she basically broke down in tears and said she was scared of something happening to me! I tell you what, that was really unexpected for me, as the thought hadn't even crossed my mind, but I guess for me my thoughts were based on how I could grow the healthiest baby. ok, so thats my first possible reason.

    Have you discussed her rights as the non-bio mum? Shel was always afriad for her rights. I don't know about the laws in Ireland, but in Australia (and QLD more specifically) Shel can't be on the birth certificate, we can't be married, and she is not seen legally as Jazzy's mum. She that always scared her, so many what ifs running through her head. How are your families with it? My family were very against the idea, and would never acknowledge Shel as even a part of my pregnancy or as a mum for a long time. They are only just coming around now, but even then its fairly slow going. So is it possible that she is worried about her place in your babies life? Especially with a known donor? Again, I don't know what the laws are like but in Aus. if the donor is named on the birth certificate then legally he is the father, whether he 'signs his rights away' or not, the birth certificate trumps a donor contract in the courts, and if he ever wants custody they'll usually grant him some kind of access based on prior access and not on the contract/agreement. So yeah, she might be a bit worried in that respect too?

    And then theres just what you said and that is that she is not feeling like much of a part of it, which is actually fairly common in gay/lesbian and straight couples trying to conceive! Where the 'other partner' feels fairly out of the loop, with a dtraight couple sometimes the men feel like they are being used for their sperm, especially if timed sex is sucking the spontenaity (sp?) and romance out of the relationship. Not that thats an issue, but just saying, its fairly common, and sometimes it continues into the pregnancy, as its usually all about growing the baby and not much about the other partner at all. Some things I did to include Shel was basically give her all the decisions about nursery furniture, baby seats, clothes etc. Just let her take all of that on, make her feel like she has an equally important job, after all, you're growing bub for 9 months, but what about after? Bub needs a nice place to sleep etc. I could have easily pushed for a few different types of cots etc that I liked but I just let Shel get what she thought was best.

    Or it could just be something as simple as she just doesnt want to get excited until it actually happens.

    So basically, I think you need to talk to her, because there are so many things she could be gong through right now.

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