Friends who use CIO methods - do you say anything.

Don't get me wrong, I hate hearing kids cry too.. But I have to trust the parents know the difference between the cries (genuinely upset, or just a loud grizzle). I know my DD plays on me to get her own way. But I have learnt to look for tears to know whether she is really upset, or just playing me ;)

One thing that my husband keeps telling me is that it is hard for a young child to fake happiness, so if they are generally happy most of the time, then it might not be 'ideal', but probably isn't hurting him either.

I know a couple who used Babywise and raved about it, I chose to bite my tongue. Don't know them really well though, they are parents from school of one of my kids best friends there... I don't know if I would say anything even if I knew them better... v. hard. I guess I would only talk if they brought it up/asked questions specifically about what I did.

I have made "suggestions" to my mothers group ie. about feeding.

Some of the girls were having trouble getting their children to eat so I just gave an example of what we do (BLS) and explained a few of the benefits. When I had finished what I was saying about the topic I made it very clear that every baby and mum is different and that its just important to do what works for you and your baby and I think that comment makes it not so much preeching that "my way is the right way" IYKWIM.

I also make sure I ask them questions about what they are doing and what works for them. It is good to get different ideas and see how different people do different things. I dont know it all, and I dont want my mothers group friends to think that I am a know it all. You dont have to do what they do or suggest, but it is nice to be heard.

Hey,

I just wanted to chime in with the opinion of someone who uses cio, (I never heard that expression before today!) I was totally against it when I read about it but at 10 months I was still breastfeeding my baby girl to sleep which was fine but she couldn't get to sleep any other way so whenever she woke up in the night I had to feed her down again. At 10 months I was up more than when she was a newborn, patting or rocking her to sleep wasn't an option because she loves attention and would stay awake for the pats so after much research we tried controlled comforting. It worked the first night, she slept throught the night and has never looked back. When we put her to bed now she's out with in 5 minutes, she gets enough sleep and I get enough sleep (sort of).

I totally get that this wouldn't work for you but it was right for us, if someone tried to tell me it was wrong or harmful to my baby I'd be pretty unimpressed. You are the expert on your kids and this woman is the expert on her little man. I don't want to have a go at you but I think we really need to stop judging each others parenting. We all have two things in common, we adore our kids and none of us are perfect.

You sound lovely and thoughtful and well meaning and I am jealous you have such a great Mothers group!

No. I wouldn't say anything because at the end of the day, how someone chooses to parent their child is none of our business (well not unless it is abusive but I'm sure you knew what I meant). I have been in that situation too and it does break your heart and make you feel ill to listen to the poor little mites but you have to look at the situation from the other perspective and imagine how you would feel if someone told you that what you were doing is *wrong*. We all choose the path we go down after trying different things and maybe this Mum may eventually realise that CIO really isn't working for her. Plus you might have caught him on a bad day - there were loads of other mums and bubs there so his normal 'routine' would have been out for a start so any other day he probably does drop off really quick after a short 'sook'

So maybe if the opportunity does come up to talk about it in a general manner, by all means do, but to do so off the back of an event like that isn't cool. Regardless of how we choose to do things, we also have to accept that other parents will do things differently and we cannot try to change that or come across as being the enlightened ones because we do it this way, which is inherrently better than CIO, because they have to want to change what they are doing kwim? She may well have read all the info you have, but decided that for her unique situation that CIO worked best.

No, I probably wouldn't say anything to my friends as it is up to them to choose how they parent and I trust that they know their child's cries.

Although, on the weekend, I said something to my brother who was letting his 3 month old CIO. It really bothered me as his partner was tending to the first twin and my brother was doing nothing, just standing around and letting the second twin cry. I said that the baby just wants cuddles! Then I had to bite my tongue because even though I'm his big sister (and I think I know everything lol), I knew that I have to let him parent his own way which is different to my way.

I completely agree with you Misty. It takes a while to get to know your own child's different cries and it is unsurprising that when you hear someone else babe cry it sounds distressed.

When my DD cries there is a huge difference to my ear between an upset cry which I would always respond to day or night or the little vocalisation, I am about to fall asleep cry. I am sure most mother's can hear this so I would always presume the best of another mother and hope that they knew their child well.

Wouldnt say anything either...but when they suggest to ME to 'let him cry it out' thats when i would fully voice my opinion on how that just dont work for us.
My DH 's BIL commented a few months ago when i was having a hard time getting used to H still being up 3-4 times a night 'just let him cry....shut the door and let him cry, he will get used to it'.......Used to what exactly ??? Being miserable, being ignored. I let him know WE dont do that in our house, and nor would i ever. He soon shut up. But i think if he was just chatting casually about how he gets his babies to sleep , then i wouldnt have gone off so much i think. It was the fact he was suggesting it for me...which i took offense too..

I hope its alright if I jump in with all the experience of one who's never had children :)

I have spoken to a close friend about her letting her 2 month old CIO - because I was with her at her house, and she was visibly upset about her DD being so upset, and there was another woman in the room, also her close friend, telling her that DD was just trying to manipulate her, and needed to learn that it wasn't on. I tried to be diplomatic, to question the method without offending the older woman, who basically shrugged me off because I have no real experience.

After the woman left, I spoke to my friend about it, and just said to her that she should mother however comes naturally - I told her to TRUST HER INSTINCTS, if she didn't like that her baby was crying, to go and comfort her. If she didn't want her baby in a completely different room at night, to keep her with her. I told her that she will get a lot of advice, all well meaning, but all tailored to other children, and she was the expert on HER child. She looked at me for a minute, and then walked right back in that room, picked up her baby, and cuddled her til she fell asleep.

These days, she does a lot of things that I personally wouldn't do, but she does them with confidence. When someone tells her she's 'doing it wrong', she just tells them that SHE is the expert on HER child :)

I don't think, Kat, that you would be the sort of person to tell your friend that she was 'doing it wrong'.
I think, if I was listening to a baby our age crying for 20 minutes over the monitor then I would quietly go to the mum and whisper in her ear, "Do you think he is ok?"
I think that from the sound of the group she may have been leaving him because of the (perceived?) pressure to do so, KWIM? I think that by asking that question you are advocating for the child but you are also making it his mum's decision as to whether she tends to him or not. If she says, 'he's fine... etc etc', well, there's nothing more you can do. And hopefully the mum doesn't take it as a judgement.
I agree that we should try to be supportive of each other where we can. But I think sometimes friends can speak up about something they disagree on and still be respectful to another friend's choices.

I agree completely with Misty. It really erks me when people make judgements and assumptions about my parenting/child, so therefore I too have learnt to keep my mouth closed and respect the decisions of other parents whether I agree with them or not.

ok so i havnt come in to argue but you have your parenting ways and others have theirs why is your right and theirs wrong.

I believe that we parent OUR way, i dont judge the parents who choose the gentle way and I wouldnt expect to be judged because my kids sleep in their own room & are not picked up the second they cry.

This thread is really pinching at peoples parenting choices why can we not just parent our own ways without being questioned on it, without judgment & without someone commenting on what we choose.

I choose not to smack my children but i dont judge friends that come over and smack their children nor do i question them

I have a friend in the uk who uses these methods, it works for her and im sure her children are fine, but can we ever really know the long term effects??? what would her children be like if she hadnt done that, they are quite shy!? We keep in touch via facebook and have quite a few other mummy friends in common (all from school) who have or are having kids. She is always quite forth coming with her CIO suggestions, early weaning ('shes using you as her dummy/comforter) etc. I have in the past sent BB articles etc (in a PM mind you) to these people and had positive feed back and thanks for showing them another way to do things. BUT i would NEVER say anything to her! the way i see it, shes got a 4 year old and a 2 year old, saying something now would be pointless. may hurt her feelings more than help her. Would i say anything if we had been in touch when she was doing this with her first born?.........i may have suggested or bought her a book or two!
its a hard call! Hugs to you!

I also wouldn't say anything directly to her.

Maybe you could use the old 'a friend of mine did this' story?? Like oh I was at my sisters/friends house the other day and she let her DD cry in her cot for 30 minutes and it broke my heart yadda yadda? See what kind of reaction you get from her about CIO?

No, I would never say anything. At the end of the day it is about mutual respect. We need respect eachothers judgements and support them whether or not we completely agree with them or not. Only the mother knows what is right for her, her baby and their family.

i understand the whole let ppl do wats best for them but i have a big mouth and cant stand hearing babies cry for longer than 10 mins its like fingernails on a chalkboard so i would say something like is he ok do u want me to go check coz sometimes mums are just frustrated and might just need a little help i know i do and it cant hurt to ask

I wouldnt dream of telling a gentle parenter to try not co-sleeping, or to try let them cry for a bit, its just not on its their way and i appreciate that.

Oh this has popped up again... was just thinking about it this morning.

I'm still where I left it previously - never said anything and decided that it was not ok for me to do so. Given recent comments, I feel I need to reiterate that I was not judging her as a bad mother in any way. It's just that I wanted to share my view that there were alternatives to this. Alternatives that I would not be aware of had i not been exposed through sources like BB.

It has been bugging me though that a couple of the Mums in my group have been having issues with their bub's sleep and one of the Mums has been singing the praises of Save Our Sleep and loaning her copy to whoever will take it. She said she was reluctant to use CIO but then her Paediatrician had told her that if bub was safely in their cot then it was completely fine to leave her to cry alone for up to 90mins at a time. If she was still crying then she should go in, pat her and talk to her and then leave again, regardless of whether bub was still crying. The Mum said "this seemed like a long time to me but hey, if my Paediatrician said it, it must be ok.... On the first night she cried for about 2 hours in total and in the end she went to sleep but was still kind of sobbing in her sleep coz she'd got herself so worked up... It was so hard to listen to her cry, I felt sick and my husband had to stop me from going in to her but I just kept telling myself that it's just one week of pain for a lifetime of gain....".

This does not sit right with me. And it doesn't sit well that it seems perfectly fine for her to tout this book and the advice of her Paediatrician and yet I'm biting my tongue against suggesting the alternatives. She offered the book to me and implored that I give it a go - 'you'll be so glad you did it' and I just politely declined and said 'no, it's not for us'.

AGAIN... (one more time for the record!) ... I'm not trying to pass judgement here. I don't want to offend those who do choose to use these methods. I'm trying to discuss something that I'm finding very difficult to resolve in my own mind.