Hitting

You are right doudou but for some children that approach just doesn't work and they need to let out aggression and excess energy. I forgot to mention that I think it's really important for children to have rough and tumble play as well as it also helps to get rid of extra energy and it has been proven that children who have this kind of play regularly are less likely to play aggressively with their peers.

i do agree but rough and tumble play isn't incouraging them to hit something. and its that that we need to teach you can be rough with out hurting or being violent.
because you are saying that hitting is ok even though you are directing it else where

Doudou i have to say i completely disagree with you.

When we look at a child's behaviour we must ask ourselves "WHY?". When DD hits (which she very rarely does now, but she certainly went through a phase of it) it was quite clear to me that she was capable of feeling high levels of anger, stress and frustration and had absolutely no way of expressing it verbally since her speech just wasn't up to it yet.

In recent years we have come to realise (or rather remember) that a crying baby is trying to communicate a need. We do not leave them to cry alone or ignore them because we understand that this is the only means they have to express their needs and feelings.

So it can be with the hitting toddler. SOmething is happening with them which is causing conflict they are struggling with internally, and so they externalise it and hit. Telling a child "hitting is wrong" when they are unable to express their emotions calmly or process them alone (how many adults don't seek a hug when they are upset or angry? We only have to glance at the Punching Bag to answer that one!) is akin to telling a crying baby "Shut up, i don't want to hear about it until you can tell me properly with words".

Only in the hitting phase do many children begin to learn the vocabulary with which to express what they are feeling. When DD used to hit me i would give her my sad face and tell her it hurt mama. Then i would suggest an alternative target and talk about her feelings "oh your lunch is taking a LONG time, and you're very hungry aren't you, it's so frustrating when thengs take longer than you feel able to wait!" Within days she was screaming "FUSTATED!" as she hit and nowadays she just uses her words. I talk about how I feel, and express myself benignly too, so she has a positive role-model. I will listen to her upset about things for as long as it takes for her to feel better (hitting provides far more instant gratification that talking when you only know 3 words which kind of fit how you feel). She's definitely a work in progress but i DO see the progress and she's already gotten the message that it's not nice to hit other people.

I agree that i wouldn't appreciate my 5 or 6 year old still lashing out in anger, but that's because by then i would expect them to have, and be able to use, the tools i have given them to express their feelings and deal with them in a benign way. A child only just coming out of babyhood has no tools, and cannot be expected to deal in silence and alone with emotions which drive grown adults to kill on occasion!

Bx

Oooh, Bec, I diagree! I have DS roar now instead of hit and that worked within 2 days. He grabs a lion or tiger (toy) and brings it to me roaring. So I can cuddle and ask what is wrong... he has words to tell me most of the time once he has my attention knowing there's something wrong. That was started Wednesday on a whim and no more hitting, we were being hit several times a day before.

i wouldnt tell a child it is wrong. but i would say it hurts, i dont like it and this is how i want you to treat me(gentle )
i do ask myself why the child is doing it. i look around at what i might be doing (or not doing) that makes her upset. i talk to her 'im sorry i cant do xyz right now..as im doing xyz"

i think you might have read my post wrong.
i should probably use a few more full stops and commas.

LOL Ryn, fortunately or not DD had already mastered the roaring WHILST hitting and didn't seem to get "instead" :)

Doudou I don't think i read you wrong, you seemed to be saying even hitting a cushion which is obviously insentient was wrong...? That rather than the hurting it was the hitting that was the problem? And i actually agree that when a child is cheekily hitting as part of their tactile play, taking their hands and showing them how you LIKE to be touched is fantastic, but to me when they hit out of frustration, sadness or rage diverting them to gentle action only encourages them to bottle their feelings.

It's ok, we don't need to agree on everything :) :hug:

Bx

ok thats cool i just wasnt sure where you got your point from out of my post!

but that explains it. thank you

Bx I have to spread the love. That's a really good point about having different reactions depending on the circumstances for hitting. DD does both; she hits for attention, as play, and out of anger and frustration.

Ryn - How did you teach DS to roar with the lion in lieu of hitting? I have no problem with Charlotte hitting a couch cushion or something, but I like the idea of her not needing to hit anything.
Perhaps a combination of lion roaring and trying (keep trying lol) to teach her some emotive words (frustrated, angry, sad) could be constructive.
I am able to recognise when charlotte is going to change to hitting, from happy, excited, or just upset, so we are on the right track, but I want some more tools that just DHs fav, putting her in her room for 5 mins.

I just got a soft toy lion or tiger and if he hit I wiggled it right in his face whilst roaring as he hit me. He stopped hitting me and laughed and now roars a LOT more than hitting.

I didn't really "do" anything, just started a trend!