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Thread: I'm not as good at this as I would like to be....

  1. #1

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    Default I'm not as good at this as I would like to be....

    there, I said it. I am not as good at this as I would like to be.
    Do I mean parenting or gentle parenting? Well, both.
    I feel like I am just getting it all wrong at the moment, and then not coping with getting it wrong.
    Do any of you ever lose it? I mean, everyone's posts here sound so perfect.
    I just want to hear from someone who DOES make mistakes, loses it, does the occasional rant, whatever.
    I'd like to read some mistakes please, just so I don't feel so alone right now.


  2. #2

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    Same here. There are many things I would like to do better and some days I just can't seem to manage to be the mother I would like to be.

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by milly5 View Post
    Do any of you ever lose it? I mean, everyone's posts here sound so perfect.
    I just want to hear from someone who DOES make mistakes, loses it, does the occasional rant, whatever.
    I'd like to read some mistakes please, just so I don't feel so alone right now.
    Yep! heaps of mistakes, i lose it. i do my narna some days. but i keep trying.

    hang in there, it's a tough job.

  4. #4

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    Default I'm not as good at this as I would like to be....

    You can only make mistakes to learn new things.

    Just last week I had my 11 year old remind me that shouting to get my 7 year old to clean up was not effective.

    I make mistakes all the time. I don't see it as failure though. With every step there is new challenges and just when you think you've broken a barrier a new one pops up. A new challenge for them and a new challenge for you. You only fail when you don't care. Or stop trying. But having a mummy meltdown or feeling lost is not failing. The fact you've posted in here says you aren't failing at all.

    My kids are a lot older now. And at school every day so my challenges are smaller. And different. I don't have many problems with behaviour anymore. Education, socialising and teaching my tween how to be a an awesome person through the day to day struggles she faces emotionally and hormonal are my challenges.

    I know just as soon as I get lulled onto a false sense of security BAM something will shake me and reassure me I don't have everything under control. I think my view of parenting has changed in the way that I don't think "If only I could get this under control, then things will be better" I think I've learnt that isn't the case. And instead I roll with the punches. Sometimes it's too much but I know there are plenty if people going through the same thing. And I'm not afraid to get advice or even just vent to get through.

    No one has it perfect. And on the other side sometimes when you do post the positive it's hard to then post the troubles because I know in my situation I find I get fobbed off with the unrealistic view that my life is perfect, or my children are for that matter so I have no right to complain. Which is not at all helpful. So I find now I often talk about my struggles with my closest friends because I won't receive that type of reaction. I also appreciate constructive feedback and don't see much benefit from cyber hugs. So I tend to offer more advice and understanding to others because its what I want. And even those who have offered me the best advice have been through hell and back on their own parenting journey. But there's a notion that if you can offer advice you must have it all together. And that isn't always the case and often as I said leads to less sharing of the tough stuff because you feel like you don't have a right to be struggling.

  5. #5

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    Anyone who is a perfect parent - gentle or otherwise - is a liar or deluded.

    Gentle parenting is an idealogy. An idealogy is an ideal. It's something you strive for, not something that you are going to a chieve 100% of the time.

    Don't be hard on yourself. You are not perfect, but neither is anyone else, regardless of their posts.

  6. #6

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    Default I'm not as good at this as I would like to be....

    Well said. And try and remember that unless someone comes out and says they are a perfect parent chances are they aren't trying to give that impression. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't.

  7. #7

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    Milly, I feel like that pretty much all the time. Read some of the posts I've started, you'll soon feel like a better parent lol. I love the little pic going around on FB saying "I just watched hoarders. My house suddenly looks so much cleaner" or something along those lines. I try to keep that in mind when I feel like I'm not coping as a parent. My kids are happy, healthy, well-fed, clothed, have clean beds and a relatively clean roof over their heads, they haven't been taken away by DOCS. I must be getting something right. Right?!

  8. #8

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    You are so not alone in how you're feeling

    I was actually chatting to my husband about this last night. I said that I go to bed nearly every night lately feeling like I have failed, that I am not the mother my boys deserve. When he asked me to name what I have done that is so awful...I really couldn't think of much! I said that I yelled when this happened or I was feeling really frustrated that I couldn't have 5 minutes peace and quiet and it was making me grumpy...nothing so terrible that I should feel so bad at least.

    As for perfection, well today I was trying to paint something I am working on for my boys (turning a tv unit into a play kitchen) and wouldn't let my 3.5 year old 'help' paint. Part of me felt terrible that I didn't take the opportunity to make it fun for him but I also know that I had very limited time while his brother was napping! I still feel bad about it though.

    I know myself that my feelings of failure come from my own childhood and overcoming that every day is a challenge. I need to lower my sky high expectations and concentrate on what I am doing right. And that is something that I have only come to realise recently.

    I'm sure your girls think you're amazing.

  9. #9

    Default I'm not as good at this as I would like to be....

    I dropped my iphone on the baby's head last week while he was BFing because I was so wrapped up in a bellybelly forum thread. The pointy corner hit him. He screamed for 15 minutes.
    I stayed up until 11 the other night (stupid) and slept in when DD7 had a sleepover friend. they trashed the kitchen. I mean- attempted cooking kinda trashed. It was crazy and there was stuff in the sink I didn't recognize. I cleaned it up for them without saying anything in the vain hope the sleepover kid wouldn't tell her mum about the lazy mum who didn't get out of bed with the baby til ten.

    I left the old broken faulty dryer on yesterday afternoon while I did the school run. I weighed up the risk and reward and decided I'd rather the house burn down from the dryer sparking than DD7 lose her **** at 8:25 because her school uniform was wet. You'll be happy to know nothing caught alight.

    I bought DD7 dinner from maccas last night because I forgot it was girl guides night and barely made it. She left all the nuggets and I ate them for my own dinner (so hungry all the time from BFing!) then told her after guides nuggets will get poisonous if you don't eat them straight away. She cried because I'd eaten her dinner so I went BACK to McDs on the way home (she decided she wasn't actually hungry and wanted a chocolate sundae instead.)

    Hope that makes you feel like you're not alone. I tried to keep this a list of my most recent parenting errors ONLY. (Last two weeks.) I could type all day but only have 7% battery.

  10. #10

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    Default I'm not as good at this as I would like to be....

    All the time, you're certainly not alone As N2L says, anyone who says otherwise is straight out lying.

  11. #11

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    Thanks ladies, I really appreciated your posts.

  12. #12

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    Thanks, I REALLY, REALLY appreciated your posts!!
    Especially the "confessions" - there aren't enough of those on here!

    I just felt so awful for getting so upset with both DDs.
    This was my big trigger: I am so tired at the moment.
    DD2 is going through a clingy thing at the moment - wants to only sleep with me.
    DD1 is going through a jealous thing at the moment - wants to be cuddled by me, but only when DD2 is being BF or put down for a sleep, at other times she doesn't want a bar of me!
    I just NEEDED DD2 to go to sleep, and she just WOULDN'T go, and just as I'd get DD2 settled, DD1 would throw a tantrum (mainly because I was with DD2) and wake her, so I had to go back and get DD2 settled, just to have DD1 do something to wake her up again, and then meanwhile throw another attention seeking tantrum because I was not spending enough time with her!!!
    And I lost it. Big time. Nuff said.

  13. #13

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    Yanno, there is a good reason the military and intelligence agencies use sleep deprivation as a method to break the will of enemy captives

    Personally I think they should just put them in charge of a couple of infants/toddlers going through 'stages'.


    What I get from your confession is that you are a human being just like the rest of us.

  14. #14

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    I definitely make mistakes and get frustrated at times! Kids can be ridiculously frustrating and stubborn. Very stubborn.

    But I certainly don't expect my kids to be perfect so I try not to expect myself to be. I'm also starting to realise my kids don't need me to be either. Just last week I was having a not so great afternoon and my eldest came over and said "never be sad mummy coz I love you even when you make mistakes". So if I make a mistake, I just acknowledge it, apologize if applicable and move forward, forever trying and learning. I think messing up can actually be a great opportunity to demonstrate to your child where to go from there.

    At least half of the time I take my kids outside is because I know it will keep them distracted enough to let me sit and have a breather.

  15. #15

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    That is such a hard time, dealing with the jealousy especially at that age.

    Confessions - I hide in the toilet with the door locked & the kids screaming at me just outside the door just for a moment of "hands off mumy" time.
    DS gets blasted over something minor even though he is being mostly good, just because I can't cope with DD being a normal 2yo
    ABC Kids is on TV A LOT in our house.
    I've sworn at DD. Before DS was born, I never swore. Then I swore a little bit. Now I'm a regular potty mouth. I hate it.
    I swear at DD when it's 3 am and she thinks it's play time.
    I make DS share his toys with DD but insist he give hers back because she cries louder
    I run away when the kids start fighting over who gets to cuddle mummy. I just don't want to cuddle whinging kids.
    I have put DS in timeout for whinging & left him there for longer than 4 minutes, just because I need to.
    I hate kids craft with a passion. So they get to do it about once a year, when I feel like I should. Then I remember why I hate it so much. Lucky they go to kindy.
    My cakes are packet mixes. *runs & hides from the perfect mums out there that bake layered rainbow cakes (nothing wrong with that if you can do it lol!)

  16. #16

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    Hehe you should so come and check out my parenting - you would feel like a bloomin' rock star!

    I'm not perfect and I don't ever pretend to be. Those who are my friend on Facebook know this and I don't want to ever be one of those mums who pretend to be coping when their not - what kind of bull**** pressure must that be to live up to?

    I'm not an instinctual mother. I swear. Ffs is a common phrase in this house. As is "what the hell is wrong with you guys, you're all acting like psychos" because at that time they really are!

    Being a mum is hard enough without worrying about if you are doing it well enough. I'm totally over the comparisons between mothering styles. Would a perfect mother parent my children differently than I do? Probably but who knows? 4 kids 6 and under is really hard, got my terrible two, my threenager, argumentative 4 and bratty 6 year old. My neighbours would hear me yelling, but that's OK cos I hear them yelling at their kids too.

    I could list everything that I've done wrong today but my fingers would get sore because I'm on my phone. You are welcome to look me up on Facebook though if you'd feel better having a friend doing it worse than you

  17. #17

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    Right now, my one year old is watching Hi-5 so I can get some work done (and here I am on BB...).

    My seven year old talks A LOT. Like constantly. I tune out just so that I don't tell her to be quiet! The best thing about her being back at school is that I can drive in the car with only the radio to listen to. She also seems to start talking when I'm trying to tell her something, which means she often forgets what I've asked her to do, or told her. The other day she asked me a question and literally two mins later repeated the same question because she'd clearly drifted away while I was answering her!

    So yes, I get frustrated. I hear the nag in my voice talking to DD1 and feel bad. We say prayers together at her bedtime and one of the parts of that is to say sorry for anything we've done wrong during the day. I seem to always have a sorry for getting cross with her, or yelling at her, or nagging her.

    And I don't have enough time to get everything done so I feel like I'm still half a dozen jobs behind at the end of every day. A to do list would just depress me.

    And I so hear you on the waking the baby thing. Honestly, I swear DD1 and DP have lead in their feet the way they stomp down the stairs when I'm trying to settle DD2. Or they come up chattering away with no regard for the same thing! Does my head in! I feel like making them put DD2 to sleep for an hour when she's having trouble falling asleep.

  18. #18

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    I'm weighing in too, this is fun

    DS1 is happily scoffing into last night's risotto. DS2 is refusing to eat said risotto, and I'll contemplating letting him just have the bl**dy chocolate to get some peace & quiet. I always buy him sushi rolls at the shopping centre, otherwise he screams about wanting them and it's embarrassing. I let him have a jam sandwich at lunchtime, just to get him to eat something.... I'm contemplating buying white bread for DS1's school sandwiches instead of wholegrain, because he really really doesn't like wholegrain and only eats the smallest bit. If I use whitebread he'll probably eat the whole sandwich. I should just stick it out because maybe by year 12 he'll have resigned himself to wholegrain.

    I tape Octonauts just in case we miss it & I need a back up "good mum" moment. I use TV way more than I every wanted to, even though I know they get over "needing" it and play better if they don't have it on too much. I hide the remotes before school though, so that's maybe one tick in favour of good parenting.

    I don't clean DS2's teeth nearly enough. I have a nasty suspicion that he's got the start of tooth decay on one of the upper ones. This is really really really bad parenting and I think I'm going to feel guilty about this for the rest of my life.

    I bed-share with both boys because it's the only way the household gets a good night's sleep & I can't even begin to contemplate the hours of night-time effort to break this habit. Path of least resistance.

    I yell way more than I ever thought I would. Because I'm sick of being ignored in favour of tv. I must also swear sometimes (not that often!), because the exact same expressions get said back to me. I laugh when this happens, although I do try to explain that it's really not nice to use bad language.

    When they disappear from me in a shopping centre or a supermarket, sometimes I kind of hope that they'll really get lost, just enough to get upset & worried, so that they maybe learn a lesson. Because I'm sick of nagging them about sticking close. I hate going shopping with them both at the same time these days, it's just hard work.


    But for all the less than perfect parenting, I also know that I love them with every fibre, and I know that they know they are loved, and they're ultimately happy kids. So for all the rubbish, I'm probably doing a few things right along the way. And kids are very forgiving & understanding

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