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Thread: Pressure to leave clingy baby

  1. #1

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    Default Pressure to leave clingy baby

    We are going to the UK in 3weeks to see Dhs family- his father died this time last year and we will be scattering his ashes- DH has a ok relationship with his step mum and brother, not fantastic though, they did pull together when the dad died.



    Today DH texted me and said his SIL was trying to arrange a day spa visit for me, SIL, and stepmum and he and his brother can look after the babies ( brother and SIl have a 2yo), DH asked me if Dd was ok to go without Breastfeeding for a whole day- he knows full well she can't. Also, DD has never been away from me for over 2or 3 hours, my mum and DH are pretty much the only ones she has been left with. She's generally pretty clingy to me and likes to BF at least 3 times during the day, especially if she is in a new environment.

    I feel bad that I am going to have to say I can't go or can only go for a few hours, but I don't want to leave DD for a long time, she'll want to BF in that time and she'll also be around people that she has only just met for the first time ( DH will be there but she is on and off with him at times)

    I Know SIL and stepmum will think I am ridiculous for not leaving her-SIL weaned at 6mths so she could go out drinking again- and while I don't really care what they say, DH is sensitive to what other people think (always saying "everyone at works babies all go to sleep by themselves/sleep though the night etc) so I need to find a way to explain to them why I can't leave her all day.

    How would you word it ?(I'm going to email SIL to explain that I'm happy to go for 4 hrs but not longer)

    Also, I am being over the top not wanting to leave her?

  2. #2

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    Default Re: Pressure to leave clingy baby

    Word it like you said above. I would love to do a half day treatment but would need to be back with DD after 4 hours
    No further explanation needed!
    Why do we twist ourselves in knots for people we care less about than our bubbas? I'm guilty of it to but I recently made a stand and no justification

  3. #3

    Default Re: Pressure to leave clingy baby

    I would say no too. So some UK people understand! Your reasons are valid, but you also don't need to explain.

  4. #4

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    Default Re: Pressure to leave clingy baby

    Just do whatever works for you and your baby. They're grown adults, she isn't. It annoys me when people insist on putting adults' needs before those of young children. How annoyed would they be if someone did it to them?
    Anyway, hope your trip goes well.

  5. #5

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    Default Re: Pressure to leave clingy baby

    not sure how I'd word it, but I like joeve's suggestion. try not to feel bad, you're putting your dd first & that's the way it should be (in my opinion!). I can fully understand the frustration/feeling like people think you're being OTT about your little one... from breast feeding longer than 6 months (apparently he looks too big to still be breast feeding..?!) to not leaving my baby yet, it starts to feel like you're the abnormal one. but then I look at my healthy, happy little guy & I know I'm doing things just fine. sounds like you are too. : )

  6. #6

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    Default Re: Pressure to leave clingy baby

    If you are uncomfortable, you won't enjoy the spa treatment anyway. I'm with the others. Half day sounds like a nice break without pressure on you and baby, if you are keen.

  7. #7

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    Default Re: Pressure to leave clingy baby

    I hear you! I get frustrated too with people suggesting our bond is an issue and inconvenience rather than a natural and healthy relationship.
    I would just email saying your letting them know DD is still very much a mummy's girl and might not cope ok in unfamiliar surroundings without you for a whole day so you'll only be able to join them for x hours. No need to mention or defend her feeding habits. Just keep it simple.

  8. #8

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    Default Re: Pressure to leave clingy baby

    Absolutely don't do it if you feel uncomfortable leaving for that amount of time and if you were leaving her with extended family/babysitter I would leave it at that.

    However, how does your DH feel? I know mine would be upset at the prospect of being not an "equal" in caring for one of our children once they were not solely reliant on breastfeeding/could satisfy their food/fluid requirements in other ways. Whilst he couldn't comfort with BF, he had/has his own techniques for soothing them iykwim?

  9. #9

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    Default Pressure to leave clingy baby

    I totally agree with the others, a half day sounds brilliant! What I'd give for a full day but I also remember being very hesitant leaving DD1 despite her weaning at 11 months and being a very independent little girl. I just wasn't ready and when we both were, I gladly handed her over. DD2, my velcro baby, well she's a whole different story Lol.

    You don't need to justify your actions at all. Simply say a half day spa treat would be brilliant. I hope you get to enjoy it!

  10. #10

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    Default Re: Pressure to leave clingy baby

    Just tell them you have a routine that works for you guys. It's going to be messed up enough travelling to the UK with the flight and everything else. The last thing you want is to plan to be apart from your bub when they will potentially be out of sorts. You are happy to go with them for short periods of time (and give them time frames so they don't pick a window that will mean bub is due a feed bang in the middle if that) but your bub has to, and will, come first.

    It's not fair on her to be left with her dad when he is her non-primary carer, away from her "normal" space, and with him wanting to catch up with a lot if people she doesn't know - so potentially being on show and expected to be happy and upbeat all the time.

    I work and dd was at home with dh at that age - but even then, away from home, I'd have been reluctant to plan a full day away from her. I would have had to wing it when we arrived based on how she was faring as her needs came first. I know when we've been away from home dd has upped the feeds again as extra comfort, so you may find you are even further restricted if she needs you more due to the disturbances with the flight and new people...

  11. #11

    Default Re: Pressure to leave clingy baby

    I agree with everyone else, I would also be concerned about how my boobs might burst if they went a few hours without feeding.
    I would say "I appreciate the offer but would be much more comfortable with..."

    Its very annoying feeling like a wierdo for wanting to make sure your little one is happy & healthy.

  12. #12

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    Default Re: Pressure to leave clingy baby

    4 hours is a good amount of time. I think saying it like that and having your partner supporting that decision would be the best for you all. Having time alone with her dad for that many hours will be great for their relationship, especially if she is around people she hasn't met before, it will give them some daughter daddy bonding time!

  13. #13

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    Default Re: Pressure to leave clingy baby

    I spent "whole" days away from my BF little bloke at around the same age. I got on with my day and my DH just called in for him to have his BF as needed. You could do the "whole day" spa and your hubby could just pop in with your LO so you could feed. I can't imagine that would be too difficult and it would give you both a chance to check in with each other.
    Personally a whole day spa treatment would be torture for me. I just couldn't sit still that long.........I even put off having haircuts!

  14. #14

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    Default Re: Pressure to leave clingy baby

    I'd have separation anxiety if I left her for the whole day and she just popped in!!

    Anyway, a full day spa is my idea of hell too, bit boring for me!

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