Discussions with DHs re homebirth

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I'm kinda seeing the HB as my reward for surviving IVF.

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Absolutely! How many women have IVF for their longed for baby, only to mistakenly think a private OB is the 'best care' for their child, not wanting to 'take risks' and end up with the biggest risk to that child's life i.e. interventions and a likely caesar? Too many :(
Listen, I know you don't want to be confrontational with your DH, so I suggest taking on what RF is saying and tucking that into your head, whilst being firm and sweet with DH and saying "Hun, I want to birth this baby via homebirth and I'd much rather have your support about it than your opposition so that this can be a peaceful pregnancy and peaceful birth". That way, you tell him that you are not wavering and that you are offering him the chance to come on this journey with you, instead of meeting him at the end once he's taken the bus and you've gone the forest walk. Sorry about that metaphor...it's all I can think of!
Anyway, my DP was against HB for cost reasons (surely, the biggest opposition of all!) and I've pretty much been firm and consistent and very gentle, telling him that it is quite significant to me to do this next time and that I will find a way to do it. Initially I fell in line with his opposition to using the baby bonus, and now he knows that if government policies aren't going our way by the time I'm UTD again, I'm willing to use that free money to pay for an even more 'zen' birth the second time round.
Firm, gentle consistency might be your key :)
BTW DP is on board now and has resigned himself to a new reality. All we have to do now is research the cheapest option. Next hurdle is convincing him to hire my friend (also one of the BB doulas) to be a doula - he doesn't think we need one...

i remember i also said to DH that there was no way i could do it without his support....and that really upset and disappointed me that he would say no to something so important to me without any real reason, when i had support him in all he had wanted with his career....i said that mothering is my career and i will only get to birth a limited amount of times....

I think that a lot of men are scared by the whole birth thing. They've heard so many stories about pain, blood, fainting, screaming and swearing, "near-death-experiences", and "if-we-hadn't-been-at-the-hospital-they-would-have-died", from who knows where. So they want the two people they love most in the world - wife and baby - to be as safe as they can make them! And what could be safer than the hospital, right?! Wouldn't you have thought that if you hadn't done your own reading and research? I know I did.
Many men are a little bewildered by how a woman's body works at the best of times, let alone during child-birth, and so they want the "professionals" to handle this. And, given the way homebirth and private midwives are generally viewed by the media, it's no wonder that men don't see this as a good option.
So, I think that as the previous posts have said, gentle education is the best option. Show them the failings of the current system, and the options that are out there. Show them the statistics and current research on homebirth. I don't think most of the guys out there are really out to be idiots about birth - they love you and want you to be safe. The thing is to convince them that you are safe, even safer, at home.