As I healed from the birth I started going to BAC(birth after C/S) group which my sister runs in Townsville. I had a lot to process. There were so many things along the way that if they had of been different could have changed the whole birth. So lots of regrets. I spent many hours in the middle of the night processing what had happened instead of sleeping. I felt very betrayed by my colleagues and husband, even my sister despite her trying to support my choices because she had been unaccountable "nice and quiet" thru the birth and I had never know her to be like that EVER... And I held a massive amount of regret that I didn't know better than to trust the hospital. I had known about intervention. I had just thought that somehow I could get them to do what I wanted. I hadn't really understood the profound vulnerability of a labouring woman. I am a woman who desperately protects her vulnerabilities. I hate feeling weak. I learnt to show the world a mask at a young age and didn't let people near me, because I found hurt just so overwhelming. During labour and birth I thought I would be protected and instead felt so intensely vulnerable afterwards it was hard to breathe thinking about it. I realised that most of the people I had had around me couldn't protect me because fundamentally they didn't think there was anything wrong with what happened.
