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Its simple....people that dont have kids just DONT GET IT...they never can and never will! Some people think that they do but they dont!!
So you also asked 'how to respond'.... Say simple that "you offered but we never heard and i felt like a dead **** asking about it, when you rang it was far too late to have gotten there and A was a right ferral that night anyway. Sorry i didnt get to my phone that night!"
I don’t doubt that all of the surrounding circumstances make the whole situation really difficult and awkward, but if you (I mean you and your DP as a couple) accept an invitation and you (as a couple) don’t intend to show or don’t actually show, it is up to you (as a couple) to make contact about it.
Ignoring it (the invitation) and them is not the polite thing to do.
Although I can see both sides, I personally would feel alittle cross at being 'stood up' like that.
Whilst I completely and absolutely understand how tough it can be to organise a baby, and can sympathise with the frustration at people with no kids- People without kids don't and can't understand what its like and one can't really rely on them to understand why baby crying fits take precedence over a phone call etc. And well- they don't know your routine so they arnt calling intentionally to annoy you.
If I were you I would definatly call her and let her know the situation. Its a communication breakdown and not worth losing a friendship over :)
Agree with Delphmoon here and the fact that they had a couple of interest beforehand and still choosing you guys means they must love hanging out with you and I think if they didn't care they would not have kept ringing and ringing to ask where you were.:
Hope you sort things out xoox
Kids or no kids, a response is always important. And you would have realised at least an hour before you were supposed to leave that you weren't going to be able to go. At which point you contact them. You have to make time when you have kids to urinate, eat and so forth. Kids isn't an excuse. It just makes things difficult but not completely out of the question. Or we'd have a lot of mum's who starved to death. And better yet parents with multiple children would also starve etc.
BUT your partner should have contacted you first. And the night before it would have been courteous for him to contact them and confirm it was still going ahead. I hate it when people say "Well you didn't call me." Erm that doesn't make it right. Communication stand off's never work for anyone.
Having said that, her reaction was a little unnecessary given she wasn't left with the room untaken. I don't think there is any "blame" persay. I think everyone could have communicated a lot better and it would have been avoided.
I can see fault on all sides. However, I will say that your DP needs to apologise. He accepted the invitation and when you had doubts, didn't convey them. For all you know his chum may have told him more at work and he didn't pass it on.
So have your DP apologise to the couple, explaining he should never have taken their generous offer up. It may help with the friendship if you also apologise for not answering your telephone, explaining that you often cannot (not will not) answer when your DS is being "troublesome" (although you don't have to). Tell them that you love hanging out with them - maybe they can come over to yours for pizza one night? I hope they will then apologise for the overreaction, but better not to expect it.
I would have assumed (yes, I said the word ASSUME!! LOL) that if they didn't contact me that they'd found someone else, I'd feel really awkward about calling about a freebie. I also have a particular friend who makes plans, then neither of us call and we never mention the ''plan'' again (on some occasions I call them, and they seem quite surprised that I took it seriously, lol), so I'm totally fine with non-communication regarding plans with certain people. It depends on your friendship with them, you know your history.
I think one of the points of your original post was about how people without kids can have unrealistic expectations about people with kids, and I am 100% with you on that baby! SOOO many times I've had to patiently explain that we can't really give a specific time of arrival, it depends on what time the boy wakes up (there is NO WAY I'm waking a sleeping baby, I'm not crazy) and when he's sleepy (all our friends live about an hour away, and the boy cries when he's in the car for more than 15 minutes, so we time car trips according to when he's due to nap cos he'll sleep in the car). We text when we're leaving so they have an hour's notice.
Also, when I've had a week of 3hrs of broken sleep a night, operating a phone is completely beyond me. And if I had the choice of texting someone for 3 minutes, or staring blankly. I'd choose staring. And to be perfectly honest, I would expect my friends to understand that, and to be sympathetic and give me frozen food so I didn't have to worry about dinner. Because that's what I would do if a friend of mine bailed on a night in a hotel because they had a tough night, and what friends of mine have done when we've had tough nights/weeks.
- One more thing! In the early days (so up until about, oh, 4 weeks ago?) If it's not convenient I don't answer the phone. I just don't. Even if the boy's asleep sometimes I don't have the energy to talk to someone, they're cutting into my precious staring blankly time.
lol kit....i often have my home phone off the hook and mobile on silent....i figure if i want to talk to someone i'd be ringing them.... my friends know that im slack with the phone or they soon learn!!
in fact i hate the fact that having a mobile phone makes people believe that you should be contactable 100% of the time! its bad for ones health!
I agree. Can't use kids as an excuse.:
I don't think its jealousy on your friends part necessarily, but maybe more dissapointment & perhaps feeling like you are a little unreliable as friends now with your DS?? I have a friend that used to tee up coffee or a visit then never turn up & when I called her she'd been caught up with something, but NEVER called or text to say so. I felt really angry & sad that I could no longer rely on her as a friend.
As for sorting this out I really think it could've been handled easily with a quick call to A or B along the lines of 'look so sorry we couldn't make it, but boy DS was cracking it big time. DH & I had such a terrible night of it, but I'm so glad you guys found someone else to take & had a great time.' I think in amongst everything that's going on, this has been blown out of proportion & shouldve been a simple, light hearted apology.
From an etiquette point of view i think it was a communication breakdown and BOTH sides probably could have done more to make it happen, form the sounds of it though you didn't want to go and i think if that was the case YOU (you or your DH) should have called and explained that while you appreciate the offer with your DS you just really can't do it at the moment.
Regarding not calling or letting them know you weren't going i personally consider that quite rude, no matter what you 'thought' they had done it was still your responsibility to let them know your actions.
A simple text or call with "are we still up for this w/end" would have been easily used to gauge if they still wanted/needed you there.
In regards to the ongoing friendship i think there obviously other issues there (not just THIS one) and you and your DH should discuss how you want this friendship to continue, if you value that friendship then i would call, apologise for the confusion and jokingly say next time we should keep in touch a little better.
Maybe also explain to them just how hard it is with a little one to be able to get to places on short notice and say anything you need to organise needs a little planning.
Quick update. DP apologised to them to keep the peace. He apologised for our part in the communication breakdown. Their response was to return everything we'd loaned them, and ask for their stuff back. We did the polite exchange. Now they have their stuff back, they're giving the cold shoulder. DP works with A and A just turns away when he sees him or finds an excuse to leave the immediate vicinity.
Pretty silly stuff. I guess we aren't the close friends I thought we were. I'm fine with dissolving the r'ship, but a little sad that it's all down to our change in priorities, bad communication on both sides, and their lack of understanding. If they're going to turn on us this fast, they aren't worth it. They'll understand one day why we no longer prioritize random partying, and why sometimes, you just drop the ball and stuff up.
The end!
Well, I'm glad it is the end - they didn't sound too healthy for you. One day they'll get your priorities (I hope - either that or never have children), til then you're right, not worth the energy.