how to say they are not invited

I am sorry you feel you have been attacked even though the girls are just stating thier opinions on the matter. Using caps lock makes it seem like you are really angry with them :(

Maybe the reason why she assumed is because as I see it when you get married and have children you are a unit which to me means if my "good" friend invited me to an important milestone then my family would also be invited.....I have always made the effort to get to know my friends partners as that's who they chose to be with. But in saying that I would probably message and say is it for all the family...but I dont have friends who would not invite my children to a kids party? So I am guessing thats what I would do?
I liked the idea of a little morning tea someone suggested with just the girls?

Good luck x

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Regardless of whether i edited my original post all not, which i had to do because as always on here people take things the wrong way without listening or knowing situations properly before they go off on their own little tangents, my main reason for posting was to ask if people would just bring their family along without asking if they were actually invited or not!

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I am sorry to have to point this out but your original post does matter because you asked how to uninvite someone without being rude. So I figured you already knew you were being rude by uninviting someone. You then edited your post to ask if they are being rude to come uninvited and then added bits to the story...
You cant edit a post and the yell at people for not answering it properly...

Sorry but I had to say my peace :)

This has got a bit heated in here.

This is a situation where people actually view a first birthday party completely differently and that's where the disagreements and misunderstandings are stemming from.

Op: you see a first birthday party as a quiet event with just family and a few special friends. That sounds perfectly reasonable, but you may find as your life as a mother progresses that this isn't the dominant perspective.

Most of the first birthday parties I went to were pretty big groups of other children from mother's groups. If the party was on a weekend, spouses were automatically invited. One mum couldn't make it to my ds's party, so her husband brought their child instead.

Several people's comments on this thread indicate some people believe a first birthday is for the parents to celebrate the first year of life. This makes perfect sense, but many other people think a first birthday party is for the children to enjoy the taste of cake and have a special day all to themselves (they may not remember, but the photos live as evidence).

So you see, how you define that party or not-really-a-party may not be even close to what someone else thinks.

This is an unfortunate case of completely different points of view clashing. If we can all take a step back we can see how no one is being rude (although we are being a bit defensive) we are just not seeing the same picture.


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Jude 07/10/08 | Lilac 16/06/11

[QUOTE=kuraiza;2976480]
Op: you see a first birthday party as a quiet event with just family and a few special friends. That sounds perfectly reasonable, but you may find as your life as a mother progresses that this isn't the dominant perspective.

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I must say I disagree with this comment. I believe that every family do things differently as I too believe first birthdays are for celebrating the first year of my baby's life and life as a family and also the anniversary since I gave birth etc and I know families that prefer an intimate affair so i don't think saying as you progress through motherhood you will see different is a true comment IMO. Just wanted to share my thoughts on that.

Also, hj I just wanted to say that I feel for you and i am sorry you feel the way you do right now and I hope you got something helpful out of this thread and the main thing now is to enjoy your little ones special 1st birthday :)

(eta- had to re-post as the majority of my original one disappeared)

You completely misinterpreted what I wrote. I said she might find it's not the dominant perspective (as in, shared by the majority) but I never said anything to vaguely suggest she should have to change her opinion. If you define a party as sitting around in a circle, blindfolded, banging sticks then that's great, but not very many other people define a party that way. That's all I'm saying and I'm pretty sure I said that both clearly and diplomatically.

I really think you should read my comment again, because I very clearly said it was just differences of opinion.

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Ohh ok... But I too am saying that *my* known majority is different again... :) so i mean by saying that most people i know in my experience haven't gone for the bigger affair which is why I said I disagree with the comment ITMS. (I'm not saying your wrong - just don't agree :))

Interesting how we all have different realities! It's so great, interesting & eye-opening when such a diverse group of people take part in a thread, however it can certainly get heated and misinterpreted very easily as we can all see!


Sent from my iPhone more than likely while I should be doing something else!

I think the type of party, the age of the birthday child, and the age of my own children would certainly play a role in my assumption.

Having young babies, I would assume that being invited to a 1 year old's party meant that I was being invited with my young family. I wouldn't be taking along my teenage step sons though. Like some of the others, I think I would personally find it a little strange to be invited to a 1 year old's party without my kids. It would be different if I didn't have any of my own. My separation anxiety from my kids would mean that I would decline if it was just me invited.

If the birthday child was older (school age) and the invite was for one of my children that was friends with that child, then I would assume that only that child was invited.

If the party was for a wedding, 21st etc... then I would assume that the invite was for just me (or clarify if hubby was also invited).

If you want to take something good from this situation, then maybe it's that your friend feels that you are closer to her than you realise. If you really would prefer the kids not to come (I know you have said that they can come, but this is in case you'd still prefer them not to), maybe you could just casually say something along the lines of "I'm surprised that your bringing you're hubby and kids and not taking the opportunity to take a break from them and just chill like our other Uni friends". And perhaps then let her know that you're worried they may become bored because they are older and you have nothing planned for older children. Maybe she'll change her mind. I definitely wouldn't be bringing up anything about your feelings towards her hubby and kids.

Aww HJ hon so sorry this thread is doing your head in! :wall: I guess by the responses people 'do' assume that family 'is' invited to a childs party (especially the kids) so even though most aren't directly saying that this is what they believe. This is pretty obvious to me because if most would be offended if you didn't invite their family then they would assume you have invited them because you are supposed to be their friend and hey why wouldn't they bring their kids along to a child's birthday party? I honestly can't see any reason what so ever for someone inviting me to their child's birthday party and not my kids, to be brutally honest I think it would be just plain weird.. Does that make sense, it's early, not sure if I explained that too well :hug:

We ended up with added extras on DD's 1st birthday - and we didn't know until they arrived on the day. In our case, it was someone we had invited - they had taken it upon themselves to invite their own parents. So while it was surprising (and we barely had enough food), it didn't change anything about the day (and added some humour to it as well). We didn't say anything to them about the non-invite, just let it go. We only had 10 people here for DD's birthday.

Regardless of what is happening with your friend, and her assuming that her family will be invited - what of your mutual friends who are coming without their families? Is it something they will get offended over? Will they assume that you've invited her entire family and not theirs? And if you play it straight with them and say she brought her family along uninvited, it will get back to her that way and the friendship might hit shaky ground. Just something to think about (sorry!).

While I would probably double check to see if other members of my family were invited, I would find it a bit strange if I got there, minus my family, to find other kids there and wonder why my family had been excluded.

Interesting. I dont even consider a 1st birthday as a "childrens" party. In our circles its a family thing (extended familyand close friends) for a BBQ style gathering. Not a party with games etc - that would be for the 2nd birthday and beyond. Simply because at 1 you still have to be very careful of baby, they cant run around with other kids and other kids can hurt them so easily.
I stil think that invites are for the person on the invite (or people) and if in doubt, check.

But wow! this sure was an interesting thread :lol:

LOL thanks doubletrouble it sure was

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so everyone on here would ASSUME and NOT ask??? is that correct?

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Yes because if I was invited to a 1 year old birthday party I would assume it is a 'family event.' By that I mean like a bbq where parents and kids come as a unit.

If I received an invitation to a friend's child's 1st birthday addressed to me personally, I would think that included me and my family because it's for a child's birthday. But I wouldn't assume to just bring the family, so I'd ask the host if my family was welcome too. I'd find it a bit odd to go to a 1st birthday party without the kids though and probably wouldn't go. I'd just send a present and a card.