thread: My sister wanting to up-stage Mother of the Bride....

  1. #1
    BellyBelly Member

    Mar 2010

    My sister wanting to up-stage Mother of the Bride....

    My sister's eldest son gets married soon. She asked the Mother of the Bride what colour she was wearing so she wouldn't clash. MOB said that she would chose a blue outfit so sister went and bought a rose-coloured dress.
    When they met together (at the kitchen tea) the MOB asked sister what type of dress she bought. Sister said, "it's a beautiful rose coloured dress" MOB said, "Well, you will have to change it as I have bought a rose coloured dress". Sister was mortified. So, she went back to the shop and has now bought a really "tarty" dress just to up-stage her and get her blood reeling. The wedding is very, very formal and sister says she will probably stand-out the most as her dress is not only revealing, but very different to the other style of dresses. I am going to the wedding and really concerned sister is going to make a fool of herself. She says, "I'm bogan, I may as well come across as a bogan" I've tried to tell my sister, this is the bride's day. Sister
    is 42 and has bought a dress that would suit a 25-30 year old. I'm going to try and steer her away ...what would be a suitable dress OR should I just let her go and were the tarty dress and look like the odd-one out?

  2. #2
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Jul 2008
    Eastern Surburbs, Melbourne

    Re: My sister wanting to up-stage Mother of the Bride....

    Get your nephew to see the dress and see what he thinks.
    If it is going to embarrass him then he needs to say something.
    The MOB is the one at fault as she stated a colour but what's done is done. Getting revenge never solves a problem

  3. #3
    Registered User

    Jun 2010
    Tiny Town

    Re: My sister wanting to up-stage Mother of the Bride....

    If I was the mother of the groom, I honestly wouldn't think to consult the mother of the bride with regard to dresses. My Mum and MIL didn't, and Mum isn't basing her outfit choice for my brothers wedding on what the mother of the bride is wearing. I'd just wear what I'd normally wear to a wedding based on the dress code.

    I think your sister should forget about what the mother of the bride is wearing, and wear something that she feels is appropriate to celebrate her sons marriage - that's what the day is about, it's not between or for the mothers. If she has told you that she has deliberately chosen a dress that will stand out and cause controversy I'd remind her that this day is not about her and she should consider the feelings of her son and his bride.

  4. #4
    BellyBelly Member

    Nov 2008
    in the ning nang nong

    Re: My sister wanting to up-stage Mother of the Bride....

    So what you're saying is:

    1. Your 42 year old sister is attending her son's wedding.

    2. After hearing that the mother of the bride was going to *possibly* wear the same colour ("rose" has a broad palette) as her (irrespective of whether she was told something else earlier) she has decided not simply to buy another dress, but to wear a dress which you believe to be (a) "tarty" and (b) for someone 12-17 years younger than her.

    3. Your sister is planning on wearing this dress specifically to "upstage" the mother of the bride and to "get her blood reeling".

    4. You believe that your sister will stand out at the wedding, due to the "tarty" "revealing" "bogan" "25-30" and "very different to the other style of dresses" and "odd one out" nature of the new one (from which I understand you have already checked to see what most if not all of the other men and women attending are wearing, as otherwise you and your sister would have no way of knowing whether it's different from what others will be wearing).

    5. You are going to try to get her not to wear the dress, but want to know whether you should let her wear the new one she's purchased.

    To be frank, your sister is acting like a three year old.

    Perhaps the mother of the bride is being difficult too, or perhaps she was planning on wearing blue, and then found another dress she preferred. Your initial story makes no suggestion that your sister told the mother of the bride what colour she was planning on wearing, nor is there any suggestion that there is any particular cultural or etiquette reason for them needing to wear different colours.

    I don't think I've ever been involved in a wedding where anyone checked what the parents of the bride were wearing - because with all due respect, it doesn't matter.

    The only colours I've ever heard of people avoiding is white (or at one wedding I was involved in, we asked everyone not to wear purple, because the bride was wearing purple) or asking what colour the bridesmaids were wearing, and avoiding that colour.

    And that being said, I'm yet to see a bride or bridesmaid annoyed because someone's wearing the colour of a bridesmaid / mother of the bride / whatever. Because seriously, who cares?

    So if your sister was annoyed by the mother of the bride buying a dress the same colour, I honestly think she should have said, "Well that's too bad, I have also bought a rose dress. If that bothers you, then YOU are welcome to buy a new one." And if it bothers your sister, then she needs to put on her big girl pants and own it. For all she knows, there are 40 other women attending the wedding who have bought rose coloured dresses. What will she do then? Or the mother of the bride might have quite a different definition of "rose". There's a lot of shades of rose. The dresses might be quite different. Has she even checked?

    So in my honest opinion, your sister is being selfish and juvenile.

    But also, to be frank, what she wears is her business. Her opinion of what is appropriate, attractive, comfortable, etc, and yours (and her son's, and his bride's, and Gough Whitlam's) are all going to be different. And IMHO it's not your job to police that.

    If she's come out of the bathroom and there's toilet paper hanging - tell her. If when she bends over you can see her formfit, tell her. If you think that the puppies need some more fencing to keep them in the yard - that's your opinion. You can give her your opinion, but you can't tell her what to do. When she gets dressed and sees herself in the mirror, she is going to know how high / low / tight / see through / cleavage-y / etc it is. Do you think you need to tell her?

    Equally, if it's something which her son and his bride won't be happy with, that is something for them to determine. And if she's going to behave this way at their wedding, then she's going to behave that way other times, when she doesn't get what she wants -- other times when you're not going to be there to monitor her. If she is going to do something which might upset her son and future daughter in law because someone is maybe going to wear something which may be a similar colour to something she was planning on wearing, then that's pretty pathetic. And if it's not going to upset her son and future daughter in law, and may just be a bit odd, then so what? Those consequences are on her, and by 42, she should be aware of them, and able to wear her big girl pants (if the dress allows) and suck up whatever consequences flow. If she's going to be selfish, then that's unlikely to start and stop with this wedding - and her son and his wife are going to have to figure out how they're going to deal with it.

    Are they the kind of people whose wedding is going to be ruined by your sister wearing something they might not be happy with? Is your sister aware of that? Who knows them better? Whose job is it to help them have a great day? Sure, there are lots of questions, but I don't see your role in this dynamic being particularly large ...

    So personally, I'd give my opinion if the relationship was there, and then butt out. If it was my sister, I'd tell her to get a grip, act her age, get her head out of her bum, and rock the dress she initially bought and ignore what others were wearing. Because she's my sister, but I'm not the fashion police, the cleavage committee, the bride or the groom. So I'm entitled to my opinion (and I have a relationship where I can express that honestly with my sister) but that's as far as my involvement goes.

    I don't believe your opinions about the specific clothing item are particularly relevant, because while some styles suit some figures better, some clothes may look older or younger then others, etc, what people wear is such a personal thing, and I would be loathe to judge another adult's fashion choices in that way. If the issue is that it's not within the dress code, that's another matter - but that doesn't seem to be your point.

    It's the bride and the groom's day. It's nice if others have a really special day too, but it's really not about anyone else.

  5. #5
    2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Feb 2012
    Melbourne , Victoria

    Re: My sister wanting to up-stage Mother of the Bride....

    And it's not just about the day... It's about the ongoing relationships with the families that are about to become joined together.
    I wonder what's underlying the tension between MIL's?

  6. #6
    2013 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Apr 2006
    Winter is coming

    Re: My sister wanting to up-stage Mother of the Bride....

    Just let it go. It isn't your problem, don't make it so. Your sister is well old enough to decide her own actions.

  7. #7
    BellyBelly Member
    Add helle on Facebook

    Sep 2008
    Bunbury, Western Australia

    Re: My sister wanting to up-stage Mother of the Bride....

    Does this stuff still actually continue that long after leaving highschool!?

  8. #8

    Mar 2004

    Re: My sister wanting to up-stage Mother of the Bride....

    Your sister is being a doofus.
    ****ing off her DIL at her wedding isn't a great way to start their future on the right foot. My MIL shat me to tears at my wedding and since then I have done my best to avoid her. As a result she sees far less of her son and grandchildren than she would like.