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I can see what you mean and in most situations I agree.:
I guess for me, culturally, money has always been a gift too, especially for weddings. That being said I rarely have a wedding to attend with a specified wishing well because generally it is a given, that money is the gift. Like I mentioned previously, the idea behind it is that you are helping the couple out with a start to their married life.
Out of interest do you have the same sentiments for a gift register?
Hey little_O, I think a gift registry is a better option than a mandatory wishing well. Most weddings I have attended with a gift registry (and to be honest, it's been years since I last attended a wedding with a registry, they have all had a wishing well and a 'no gifts' policy in the last 10 years or so) have included gifts of varying value to suit guests of any budget. The note included with a gift registry has always said something along the lines of 'if you would like to buy a small gift but need some ideas…' as opposed to the WW's 'no gift, just cash'. I can only remember using a gift registry once, other than that occasion I have always enjoyed finding something special for the bride and groom. I put a lot of consideration in to what I think their taste is and what I think they will like - if I have ever got it wrong, I would hope that the recipients have enjoyed the gift in the spirit it was given.
The first wedding I attended with a WW, there was much confusion as to whether you included a card in the well or gave the card separately. I watched what others did at the reception and asked a few friends whether they were putting the cash in the card. It was agreed that the card should be placed next to the WW and the cash deposited in the well itself. After all, it doesn't matter how much cash you give, you give what you can afford. This is what I did, card next to the well, $100 in the well itself. I was surprised to never receive a thank you from the bride and groom, as most people do send a 'thanks for sharing the day with us', but didn't think much of it - until a friend who had forgotten both her cash and card on the day and so had delivered them to the bride and groom later told me that she had received a thank you (she commented on the included photo) and it later became clear that only those who had included cash in a card received a thank you. I raised the question - did the bride and groom want us to share the day with them, or were they just after whatever cash they could get?
The next wedding I attended with a WW was for my cousin. I put $200 - in a card! - in the WW. My cousin later told me that they spent all the money they had received in their WW on the pokies. I'd prefer not to support someone else's gambling addiction.
For my own wedding 13 years ago, we received some beautiful gifts, some big, some small, and some people couldn't afford any gift other than their presence on the day. I love pulling out the platters and vases we received and remembering who gave them to us and what a great time we had at our wedding with all of our guests. I am grateful for every single gift we received, whether we really needed them - or liked them! - or not. I appreciate the time and thought that went into choosing them, the fact that someone went out looking for something that they wanted to give to my DH and I to celebrate our marriage. For me, that is what gift giving is about.
Well nickle730 I would feel the same as you if that was my experiences!! That is bad form on both those occasions.
To be honest I find it odd being directed how you want a gift, because it's a gift. That being said, I'd rather give the couple what they want, rather than something that will be wasted.
Life would be so much simpler if there was no money! :)
Culturally, its a given that we give red packets at a wedding with money in it.
In fact most of the bride/grooms parents even write down who gave what so they can give the same when they are invited to their friends kids weddings.
Chinese weddings usually are huge because parents invite their friends as tradition.
Luckily for my wedding i put my foot down to have a small wedding of only 200 people and that i knew everyone there.
No wishing well mentioned, the asians gave money (which is around $100 pp)
And my non chinese friends gave gifts.
All in all we were just happy people were there and had fun.
It was a bit different for us as we secretly married and surprised everyone with the news at our engagement parties (my family all live interstate so had one for them and one st home with friends and DH's family) so people were less generous (for lack of a better phrase) with their gifts. For the most part we received money or gift cards ranging from $50-$150. A few people only gave cards, a few were annoyed about how we went about getting married so didn't even give a card, but people just being there was what was important to us. A number of people asked in the lead up what we would like and the response was the same "for you to be there, eat, drink and be merry". Even if we had done the "traditional" wedding, it would have been the same. Anything we received was very much appreciated but certainly not required. As far as what we give, anything from $100-$300 depending on who it is.
I thanked everyone who came to my wedding. I don't think money is always poor taste. I've received money for baby showers and my kids, and always like to send a thank you to let them know what the money went towards so they can enjoy it in that way.
We received heaps of gifts for our engagement party and did the whole opening in front of everyone. Being excited and thanking people along the way. And they were basically the same guests to our wedding. So we already had all those typical gifts ie platters, vases, knife/cutlery sets etc.
Wow! 200 people!:
Can I be super rude (and I will understand if you don't answer), but how much money did you receive? And how much did your wedding cost?
It is a really rude question :redface:
With people getting their back up about wishing wells, I think it's about the purpose of the giving.
Back in the day, people who were getting married were living with their families until after the marriage had occurred.
The wife had been collecting pin money from her job and stocking up her glory box and sewing her trousseau, or had arranged to quietly finish up at college, and the husband had been madly saving for a modest home, to show the bride's parents that he could "provide" for his darling bride.
So at the kitchen tea, the lovely bride would be given kitchen tools, pantry items, and the like.
And at the wedding, people would give wedding gifts - toasters and towels and sheets and ugly turkey platters, kitchenaids, brandy glasses and the like. To fill the lovely couple's home, and mean that when they got back from their honeymoon, they'd be able to set up house, and just learn to be husband and wife.
So these days, when most people have a fully functioning houses and have no need for toasters and towels and sheets and ugly turkey platters, kitchenaids, brandy glasses and the like. They already have them, because they're not 23 and freshly out of their parents' home, they're 33 and have their very own ugly turkey platters, mortgage, etc - and there's no plans to remove knickers and start procreating either.
So while some people would be happy to buy something to "set up house" when people ask for money in a wishing well, the implication is that there's no immediate needs, but on the understanding that people are planning on spending a not insignificant chunk of change of the blessed couple, we'd like it in cash - maybe to chuck on the mortgage, maybe to put towards a new car, maybe to spend on the honeymoon, and maybe just to sit in our account until we decide what we want to do with it.
So in my personal experience, when people have a registry - even if it's one for a honeymoon, people are more inclined to "purchase" an elephant ride in Thailand or a romantic beach-side dinner in the Maldives than just to give $100 in a wishing well. They'd even rather give $100 knowing it's towards a new fridge than just an unidentifiable $100 - because people IMHO have an inherent expectation to have a say over where their money goes. And they want that money to go towards something long term - a toaster, and not part of the taxi ride to the airport. A culinary class in Bali, not a part payment of your gas bill.
Right or wrong? Totally separate question. That's just my perception (from many, many conversations with people) on the topic.
You didn't ask me... But everyone gave money or to our honeymoon registry at our wedding also.:
160 people (this is considering a VERY small wedding in our culture), we were given $18k in total, and the wedding cost us $35k.
Most of our family and friends have had weddings that cost them upwards of $60k, so ours was considered pretty simple.
We are getting married soon and don't have a wishing well. My fiancée wanted one, but I feel the guests should have a choice as to whether they give money or a gift. I won lol.
We tend to give $100 as our bog standard gift to a wishing well. We nearly always have to travel (interstate with 1 or two kids) so it's an expensive day for us regardless. In saying that, the weddings we've attended close to home have been the same - $100. We didn't expect that much from our friends and family at our wedding 8 years ago (we didn't have a wishing well though) as all we wanted was them to be there and have a brilliant time on our special day. Honestly, gifts and cash were a very pleasant surprise but certainly not expected.
The wishing well I originally asked about was requested on the invitation. It also says a gift or just your being there would also be lovely.
............by the way I love the turkey platter. It's really good to...... hhhmmmm............ put a turkey on and I absolutely love the family who gave it to us. It would sit beautifully in their house and not look at all ugly......My point was that it doesn't matter what the gift is but the care with which it was given. It was a gift given with love that has been remembered every tie we use it and every time we laugh about it.
We were married so long ago that we did the kitchen tea and saving for a home thing. Perhaps we are weird. We didn't do a registry but lots of people rang mum to make sure we wouldn't end up with 5 toasters, which was nice.
We were married in the local church and walked across the road to the hall where we had a huge spit roast meal for everyone and plenty of grog all night. Photos were taken on my parents family farm.
My dad and mum paid!
Accommodation was provided in the usual manner......bring your swag and there'll be room or we'll find a friend or family member with a spare bed/verandah.
Quite a few people had to travel. Hubby is from near ACT and our wedding was near my home in QLD. We personally contacted people to see if we could help with accommodation if they were travelling and most of my mates did the swag thing either at ours or 'round the district.
Probably a bit different to how things are done now.
I am more than comfortable with the wishing well and understand it......I just haven't done it before and didn't want to "do it wrong".
The difference for us was that we had nothing and these mates are well set up with everything.
I know they are not gamblers or looney with overspending on stupid stuff so I really don't care how they spend the $$$ we give them.
I must say I love thank-you cards but if one doesn't come it doesn't matter.................
No not rude at all we ended up breaking even for the reception approx 20k But the whole wedding cost us over $40k for cars flowers band tea ceremony etc so out of pocket around $20k.:
We got gold from our family which is also a tradition.
Had a wishing well at our wedding 14 years ago. We had toyed with guest just paying for the meal, but I had family members who would have cracked it and I had no idea how to manage it, whereas I had other family members who loved the idea of a wishing well. I think one "friend" cracked it, but she had a bug up her butt about weddings in general as she though people should elope, like a wedding she went to (don't understand how it is elopement with guests, but anyway).
I prefer to have some choice in the gift (after a chat with the bride) or give money or a gift card. Loathe registries, I had to choose between a toilet roll holder or a Dyson with one wedding!!!
Honestly weddings are one of those things someone, somewhere will find something to be offended with. Which is really quite sad, when it is meant to be a happy day.
Our wedding we had a flight centre registry and a myer registry with a range of things on it, we went for both to give people choice if they wanted to get something but it was not mandatory. Some bought different things and others nothing.
When we attend a wedding it's generally about $100 we spend sometimes more if close friend or relative. The weddings we have travelled interstate to we haver spent as much due to flight costs for 4 and accom and car hire.
I don't have an issue with wishing wells at all to be honest it takes away the worry off will they have something allready or get a number of them.
WOW! Holy cow :lol: Our wedding was considered 'extravagant' by some and we spent around $15-20K, with the reception totalling $10K at $105 per head (paid more to have it in March):
And I like the idea of wishing wells. No point getting a gift that the bride/groom may not like so much or already have something similar. :)
You paid extra for a March wedding? What was the reason they gave you? Ours was a March wedding at $59 per head! That was for a three course meal, the hire of the chapel, drinks and nibbles between the ceremony and reception, all drinks, plus chair covers too. This was for a lunch reception on a Sunday which meant we lost half an hour on what we would have had on a dinner reception. Dinner was $89 per head. Wasn't a hall or anything, it was at one of the nicest wedding venues here. We had 69 people all up and we fought hard to keep the list down (Italian background). We refused to have anyone there we didn't know and had no kids (from the age of three they were charged out as an adult).:
I kinda like how this thread is now completely off topic because it's still really interesting!
Even though we had the honeymoon registry, we still received other gifts. And yes, we did cop nasty slack about asking people to give money essentially. Which is crazy because other weddings I'd been to , the same people who have us a hard time were happy to pin hundreds of dollars to the bride's dress because it was "custom".
I think it is the implication of being "told" what to give which is where the wishing well comes unstuck. At least with a gift registry you have a choice in gifts and can make it as personal or impersonal as you like.
Regardless of whether you were planning on giving cash or not when there is a wishing well it is almost like the choice has been taken away from you. I like to be given choices and resent being told what to do.
In my European culture a lot of the older people will give cash and that's ok...that is their choice to do so.
If I am going to a wedding and giving cash I would give $150 for DH and I. If it was a sibling then $300-500 and a close friend $200.
Incidentally when we got married back in 2001 we had 220 guests. Total wedding cost was around 27k - this was split between the inlaws, my folks and us. We received around 6k in cash at the wedding which we then used to purchase a larger wedding photo album and some photos for the wall which we would not have been able to otherwise afford.
I like wishing wells, because I am slack and hate shopping.
:lol:
They didn't say actually.....but it was more for March, November and I think February or April too. I assume it's because it's generally nice weather during these months and they are popular. That included everything except alcohol which we paid about $1500 for. We booked 12 months before the wedding and got the last Saturday in March left. Oh and because it was a Saturday it was more too! If we had it on say a Wednesday in July it would have been around $60 per head. But i loathe cold weather and it was out of the question :lol::
But I have to say it was worth it. I had a totally stress free wedding because they took care of everything. Plus it was a beautiful place :)
And yes, it's slightly off topic, but nevertheless instresting :lol:
WhenI got engaged and married, I had no idea you gave engagement gifts. We got loads. They were almost all useless. I now have a ridiculous amount of serving platters, two cupboards full of "fancy" jugs and glasses, a set if sheets that don't look good in any of our bedrooms and who knows what else. It showed me that people had no clue what to buy us - they wanted to get us couple things for our house, but we already had everything.
I didn't want the same for the wedding - not just for us, I love that people put thought into their gifts and many tried to personalise them and most had a reason behind what they'd bought - but also for the guests. Almost everyone said to us "sorry, we didn't know what to get you!". I didn't want to put any stress on anyone, and didn't want anyone to apologise for what they'd given. So we went with a honeymoon registry, and said something along the lines of "if you would like to give a gift but need a bit of help, we're honeymooning *here* and you can help us make it extra special" or something. Everyone gave far more than we ever thought, we were shocked! Only two people didn't use the registry - my cousin did the invitations for us through her work as her gift (and traveled interstate to be my maid of honour) and DH's aunt made the cake as her gift.
I've never actually seen any invitation with a "no gift policy" *but* we'll take cash if you want to give it. It's always if you'd like to give a gift, cash towards xx would be helpful.
I don't really like cost per head either. I have a friend getting married, and my brother. If my friend decided on a huge extravagant wedding costing $200ph I would not be giving her more than my brother who may decide on a smaller $50ph wedding because they're buying a house. For me it all comes down to our relationship with the couple, the type of wedding they've chosen to pay for doesn't come into it.
Well 1st of March is a good day to get married on - that is the date I got married :-)
I have got to this ripe old age without ever hearing about this CPH concept, I had never heard of wishing wells till came to Australia either. I must say I like them, or holiday registries etc, as most people have enough stuff anyway - and I don't enjoy shopping. We have just given whatever thought at the time, but probably 50-100 max I think. Where people have had interstate weddings where we have flown to them, stayed in hotel etc, they have always said no gifts just attendance is all they want - so we have respected that and just given a card. If get invites to any more weddings now I have heard of CPH it won't make a difference to what we give.
We asked for no gifts, we did get some money given though and actually everyone who gave gave more than the CPH :-) - because we just had a BBQ and no venue.
This thread occurred to me the other day, because I was chatting with a colleague who was making weekend plans - which included two weddings.
One wedding was a "gift" wedding, the other a wishing well.
So they'd already organised the gift for Wedding A, and she and her partner were only going to stay at Wedding B for one drink, because they figured they'd only one drink each, and so could "reasonably" just chuck $10 in the wishing well, because that would cover the one drink each, and chances were the food wouldn't be out yet.
:o
Seemed a bit mercenary for me.
But is that how people figure things out these days?
We had an 'optional' wishing well, as we had been living together several years already and we wanted to provide an option for those people that didn't know what to buy us (as we didn't even really know ourselves what we might possibly want). Most of the guests chose to put money in a card in the wishing well. Those that wanted to buy us something personal or knew us well enough to have an idea of what we would use in our house, bought presents. Every single present we got was / is well used and we'll loved. Most people who gifted money gifted $50. Some only gave $20, and a couple gave $100. We used that money on our honeymoon. We had two people not give either money or gift. One was DH's brother (which he was a groomsman and had recently split from his partner, so I doubt it even occurred to him). And the other was a long term family friend. Either way, we had no issues with this.
Nearly all of our guests had to travel to where we lived, and thus had accommodation expenses, etc.
That sounds crazy to me! Do the bride and groom know they only staying for one drink? They will be catered for whether they stay or not so 10 bucks doesn't cover it. AND the gift of cash doesn't mean "pay your way", it's still a gift and you should really be giving whatever you would spend on a gift, not what the meal costs.:
Mercenary is a good word PN, another that comes to mind is .....rude.
The food will have already been paid for.....
I guess the flip side is that you don't invite your friends to celebrate with you in anticipation of a gift.
So ppl should defiantly only spend on a wedding the amount that they are comfortable shouting their friends and family. KWIM?
Yeah, $10 is scabby. But if you are the type of person who gets invited to a few of these things, weddings could become potentially an expensive way to spend your weekends.
Just because your friends may have chosen to shout you a $100pp meal doesn't mean you need to repay the favour in gift. It would be very rare that we would treat ourselves to a $200 meal, and when we do, it's only ever at a very special place of our choosing.
I completely get what you mean - and it's not at all an inexpensive gift that bothers me, it's the attitude.
We got a mix tape from one friend. That's totally cool. It's the mercenary attitude of my colleague which surprised/bothered me.
I would be more disappointed that they only stayed for one drink. I was under the assumption that you invite good friends and family to weddings so nobody would want to leave after one drink. Unless it's an over the top circus style wedding where everyone in the neighbourhood gets an invite....?
Was discussing this at work the other day and I had two people tell me that their belief is that you have to cover the cost of your seat at the wedding plus some. So if it was $100 per head as a couple you would give at a minimum $200. I could not believe that and have never practised that myself. I usually work out how much to give based on how close I am to the couple not how much the meal cost. TBH I would really have no idea how much the meal would cost.
Depends really. A good friends wedding on the same night as grandmas 80 th. What do you do?:
But I certainly hope that they have told the hosts they won't be eating.
A wedding sounds like much more fun than grandma's 80th :lol::
But on a serious note, I would always pick the wedding because I know how much time, effort and $ goes into it. If I had something else I had to go to on that date i would go to the ceremony only and let them know I couldn't stay. That way someone else could take our seats and the bride and groom aren't paying for me to make an appearance.
We made everyone travel for our wedding, including us. We paid for most of the extras for bridesmaids and groomsmen, flower girls. We asked for no gifts. Some gave gifts, some gave money, some gave nothing. There were people that came that I know couldn't afford to give anything after travelling and having them there was so much more important to me than a gifts. My wedding 12yrs on was still the most amazing day of my life and worth every cent we paid :)
I love that... People had to travel so no gifts were expected. All the travel weddings we have been to have ended up costing us a fortune.
I used to loosely go by the idea of how much they are paying per head etc, but our friends are all going to reception centres where they pay $200 per head - well, I just don't have $400 lying around once a month!