Furious at a magazine article

Ren,
Well said - thankyou. I totally agree with you. Everyone has the choice to when they wish to start a family and for some it will be easier than others. My mother who is now 80 had me when she was 37 (very old in those days) my sister had her last at 40, my SIL is presently pregnant with twins at 41 going on 42 none of these woman had ivf and it was pretty easy for them. Just because i am 43 and still trying to have a baby is no reason to be judged by people as to why i am this age and as to why i have not had children earlier its just life worked out that way for me/us. You are right people can be so nasty. I used to get mad that no hopers had kids and why not me, but after alot of soul searching i realised that everyone has the right to have children whether or not i or you agreee with there lifestyle, i have chosen not to judge anyone anymore and therefore i wish people would stop judgeing older woman trying to have a family, and for basically anyone trying to have kids and going thru IVF , if i have heard it once i have heard it a million times quote" well maybe you weren't meant to have kids" i hate that one, but i shut my mouth and say nothing - all of this and articles like these get me soooooo :angry: i wish i could just throw something, but i will hold it in as usual and cope it like the rest of us. I just wish these people who say these things and write these things could walk in our shoes and then maybe they would find a little empathy. I will now get off my soap box.
Goodluck :goodluck: to all of you and i wish all of you only the best. :bluedust: to all of you.

Have managed to type out the article (I had to grit my teeth through the whole thing) and will post it here.

Goddess v Goddess
Allison Rushby suspects that naturally fertile women are the new pariah...

I am fertile. Disgustingly fertile. Pregnant within a few weeks of trying, no complications, full-term babies, first labour three hours, second labour 40 minutes, one girl, one boy. Like I said, disgustingly fertile. And I never thought I’d be marginalised for what is, of course, a very run-of-the-mill thing to be, but ever so slowly this is what seems to be happening. Apparently IVF is the new black. So, I wonder, what does that make me and my hard-working ovaries.

Suddenly terms like ‘smug pregnants’ are being bandied about the place and the fertility goddesses are being accused of ‘flaunting’ their pregnancies. Did I ‘flaunt’ my pregnancies? I didn’t think so. But if ‘flaunting’ meant that I wore fitted maternity clothes rather than tent-like constructions, maybe I did. The thing is, at week 39, it’s hard to hide three kilos of baby attached to your mid-section. The infertility goddesses may have snazzy Mercedes convertibles, but I’m hardly going to ask them to keep them garaged at all times just because I fancy having one too.

It’s now so not the done thing to be fertile, that I had to stand by and watch recently as a girlfriend of mine hid her third pregnancy. She managed to keep her ever-growing belly a secret until the 22-week mark. And the reason for her reluctance to tell her family and friends? Her sister-in-law was in the midst of IVF round three and she was too scared to come clean about her fertility, having just had child number two nine months ago.

Of course, I don’t think being unable to have a baby is anything even close not owning a Mercedes convertible. And I feel terribly for women who want children and suddenly find themselves in a place where it’s looking like an impossibility. I have to admit I was shocked, however, to find myself the spring chicken of the private obstetrician’s waiting room at what I thought was the grand old age of 29.
It seems that while there are lots women who can’t start having kids till later in life for varied reasons, there are also many who can, but who are choosing not to. Instead, they decide to focus on their careers, or come to the conclusion, year after year, that it just ‘isn’t the right time’. And there’s nothing wrong with this – as long as you know full well what you might be giving up. Inconvenient and scary as it may be, the ‘right’ time to have kids is during the early to mid 20s. Are we as a society starting to forget that our fertility peaks in our 20s? Perhaps if we spent as much time planning our families as we spend planning our mortgages, we wouldn’t be in this mess.

In hindsight, I’ve realised I’m extremely lucky to have had children easily. It was only after I had my two that all the horror stories came out – women who gave birth to stillborn babies and had to spend the night in labour wards listening to other, luckier people’s babues cry, women who miscarried time and time again, women whose babies mysteriously just stopped moving at 38 weeks. So, so sad.

The infertility goddesses accuse us of being ignorant of their plight, but I don’t think this is true. The fertility goddesses know and we care. It’s just that there’s not a whole lot we can do other than listen, and when someone else has something you so desperately want – well, sometimes listening just doesn’t cut it, does it?

I guess if I sound slightly riled, it’s because I am. Like some of the infertility goddesses, I’m reaching the end of my tether. I’m getting tired of being stared at with accusing eyes that say I’m not really deserving of my children because I didn’t struggle to have them. That I don’t appreciate my kids because they came to me easily. Yes I’m fertile. Disgustingly fertile. I’m a fertility goddess. But please don’t ask me to apologies for that.

Just found these details on the inside cover, for anyone interested in writing in.
Editorial Enquiries
Locked Bag 5030, Alexandria NSW 2015
Phone (02) 9353 0916
email parents@newsmagazines.com.au
Editors name - Jody Scott

I'll also post the IVF mum's version when I get a second.

I think she is trying to be cute but it is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay inappropriate. Would she write that kind of article to someone in a wheel chair, if she felt they were a bit upset that she could walk and they couldn't. I don't think so! As you girls have said, in the majority of cases infertility is a medical problem. I bet it one of her kids had a medical problem, she would be asking for sympathy. I am not mad, I feel really sad that someone felt they needed to write such a ridiculous article.
thanks for posting it Bec, I will be looking forward to the other one. the fact that there are 2 articles sounds like they are just trying be controversial and encourage debate but again, would we be having a debate if it was blind people vs sighted people?? Nooooooooooooooo.

That article is sooo offensive..... I don't like how she kept saying "disgustingly fertile" as though she just luuurves rubbing it into those people that have trouble having babies..... why is she asking for sympathy?!?! why do we need to feel 'sad' for her if she is fertile?!?!?!? what is her problem? she offends me big time....

You girls should write into that magazine for sure!!!!!! she is a very very selfish, self-involved person to write that article and DEFINITELY mis-informed.... like someone else said, BB has opened my eyes up to sooo much.... I never knew so many women regardless of age, were trying so hard to have babies.... i never realised infertility was so common until i got onto BB.... i have a greater understanding and appreciation for those trying months after months to have babies (including myself)

**** - i'm sorry - i can't formulate the words! how the hell can she be such a smug and pretentious biatch while stating that she understands - she's thrown us all in one big category and stated we've waited til we're past our prime to try for a family. i'd like for her to tell me when my bloody prime was - i'm still mid 20's and no friggin chance of having kids without help

i'm furious! this sort of filth shouldn't be posted in a supposedly "supportive" parenting mag

There's so much more that you can do other than listen!

You can treat us with compassion and respect. Understand that we're not always going to be all happy happy joy joy about spending time with you and your kids. Understand that it hurts like HELL to see others have so easily what we are fighting so hard to achieve. It's not about them, it's about us.

Should we all now go around and describe ourselves as "disgustingly cancer-free"? :rolleyes:

I think the last paragraph gets to me most... "accusing eyes" - WTF?! My sister may have had no trouble at all conceiving her son, but I do NOT look at her in any way that indicates that she does not deserve him! She is his mother, and nobody can be a better mother to her child than herself! I suspect that those "accusing eyes" are some sign of her own guilty conscience - but I'm struggling to find the words to express that thought adequately!

Bec, thanks for going to the trouble of typing up that article - really appreciate it!

BW

And she has the nerve to scorn a woman who was being a little considerate of a friend in the middle of IVF..

IVF is the new black?

Start the letter writing campaign ladies...

The other article

Goddess v Goddess

Envy is a natural response for women who can’t get pregnant easily says Jodi Panayotov

I am infertile. I will always be infertile even though I’ve had a child. You see, I didn’t have the child in the way nature intended. I had the child courtesy of what the great 20th century invention, in-vitro fertilisation. And I consider myself one of the lucky ones, as IVF doesn’t work for everyone. Many of those who signed up for it leave the clinic empty-walleted, empty-armed, and broken-hearted.

Three percent of babies born in Australia today are the result of IVF and one in six couples of reproductive age find it difficult to conceive. Yet until recently, when the media has picked up on the issue, who would have known?

People don’t discuss their fertility problems. And I ask, why? Why, if it’s kosher to be infertile, is it something you don’t talk about? To not tell anyone you’ve had a miscarriage or are undergoing IVF. To not tell anyone how you’ve been trying for years to have a child with no success?

I went on to write a book about my bumbling quest to become a mother, because of this and because there is scant literature available for those who struggle to reproduce. Whole shelves and even sections of bookshops are devoted to pregnancy and babies but you’d be lucky to find one book devoted to infertility.

To the pregnant women I lampooned in my book, I’m sorry. It was the IVF drugs I was taking, combined with the ragged mental state I was in after those years of trying to conceive. I know you don’t all purposely flaunt your pregnancies (those that do, you know who you are). Now that I’ve been pregnant and rejoiced in it, I can understand why you wouldn’t want to hide it and nor should you. And I don’t for a minute think that pregnancy wear should be confined to curtains for the stomach. Yet I must explain on behalf of the other fertility-challenged women out there why we are like we are to the point of occasional militancy. Why we shun parties where there are babies, why we can barely manage a smile when you say you’re pregnant, why at times we can’t stand the sight of you.

It’s nothing personal, but its borne of an aching emptiness, like a hunger pain that isn’t confined to your stomach but cuts to your very soul. And like a hunger pain it gnaws at you day and night. We can’t control it, it exists as part of our being and once unleashed it’s impossible to bury it. There is no cure for it either, except of course a baby.

So when we’re out and about, the sighting of a pregnant woman or a baby is like a sighting of someone tucking into a hamburger when you haven’t eaten for days. The pangs you feel are similar but a hundred times more intense. If and when we do manage to have a child it is like being served a gourmet meal after a long period of starvation. It’s only natural to think that the person who’s only been waiting a short while for food won’t savour every mouthful in the same way. It’s not based on fact but on feeling.
Had I known that my fertility would take off to an uncharted destination sometime in my thirties and not left a forwarding address, I would probably have done things differently, but how could I have known when nobody talked about it? Media coverage was practically non-existent, and women’s magazines focused on ‘Multiple Orgasm’, not ‘Multiple Birth as a Result of Fertility Treatment’.

Yet many women don’t have the luxury of choice. Factors way beyond their control contribute to the postponing of motherhood, for example finding a partner who has not only evolved to be a Home Sapien but is willing to have children NOW. So please don’t judge us but listen to us instead. You’ve been talking for years and we’ve just found our voice.

oohhh bec...so well said....great post

Too be honest I'm not a huge fan of the IVF Mum's article either, if it was by itself I would say it's fine as one persons experience, but her article is being used as a representation of all IVM Mum's, and she doesn't stick up for them enough. How about mentioning that infertility is a medical condition and there are other factors besides age? The tone of the article is quite apologetic, almost a response to the first article?

I wonder if the articles authors got to read the others article before publication?

yeah i agree bec - there is a degree of apologising to that response - but it's a hell of a lot more respectful of fertile women than the other one was of us!

I was thinking the same thing, Bec. Like it's a structured debate of some sort. It gives the distinct impression that she's someone with no other factors impacting on her fertility apart from age. I know that there are so many of us here where it wouldn't have mattered whether we started at 20, 30, or 40 - those fertility problems are medical problems and they are always going to be there.

And don't get me started on the fact that the biggest factor in my fertility is a medical problem that will impact on my health for my entire life! It's not just a problem while I'm TTC!

BW

I agree Bec, it is not a great representation. I thought most of what she said was good until this bit.

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Factors way beyond their control contribute to the postponing of motherhood, for example finding a partner who has not only evolved to be a Home Sapien but is willing to have children NOW

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ie. this is what happened to her but as so many people have said, infertility is a medical issue and that was not mentioned in the article.
The other thing is that when talking about infertility, there is always the implication that it is a "women's problem". I am constantly amazed at the number of people I come across doing IVF in which both partners have issues.:(

maybe we need to put our collective hats on, and post a reply from all of us - each put our own bit, but send it as a collective message - let them know it's not been appreciated!

Not to forget the couples where it's only male factor infertility... I wish I could remember the stats on female/male/both, I can't even remember where I saw them now!

We unfortunately sit in the "both" camp.

BW

bg- i think that's a great idea.

BG,
I think putting together a group response is a good idea. mainly concentrating on the fact that it is a medical issue.
BW, didn't realise you fall into the "both" category :(