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Thanks Sushee. It certainly felt better to shoot that guy down like that.
We actually had a heap of 'hot' comments (as someone else has posted) in an early draft of Swimming Upstream, but we toned them down a bit because we thought it wasn't appropriate to give people ammunition to potentially blow relationships or other people away !
Hey Im wondering if anyone saw Oprah the other day? They had a woman on there who was going through IVF had fallen first IVF cycle but mc at 11 weeks. Anyway Oprah says to her something along the lines of "perhaps if you can come to terms with it you may have success. You hear about people adopting and then falling pregnant straight away"... the woman on there totally tore her up - she said "well actually that is one of the hardest things for me to hear because it suggests I havent done all I can and what you dont recognise is that this is a physical problem that I have - I NEED medical assistance to fall and carry my baby - whether I adopt or not"
Nice to see it getting out there!
Keen, no I didn't see Oprah but I wish I had now...
Kazcooke, sorry to hear about the BBQ ! People can be so insensitive and how did she think she had the "right" to give you advice ? Sometimes people just need to be checked in place and told to mind their own business. I think because it is so emotional, and close to our heart we have a hard time expressing ourselves when we get cornered. We would rather run and cry. I am sorry you had to deal with someone like that.
Heather
my mum seen this ep of Oprah, and mentioned it to me. it was the first time she'd thought about whether she'd said anything that might have upset me!!! thankfully, most of the time she's pretty tactful, but my dad has absolutely no tact AT ALL - was a good opportunity to talk to her about the things he was saying, and how it has been affecting not only myself, but DH as well.
Keen - DH and i both saw that Oprah show, and it was great. Oprah said some dumb things and the lady was really great with her answers. She didn't try and pretend that it was all OK, and I hope she made some people think. Oprah asked her if she was 'at peace' with her situation, and thankfully she said 'NO'. Then Oprah did the whole 'but i know people who adopt and then fall pregnant - why don't you do that'. I'm so pleased that the lady didn't just try and play nice and say yes - she was totally honest and it was great!
(BTW - i never watch Oprah and neither does DH, but he woke up early from a night shift and i was home too - funny. He even asked me if i felt the same as the lady on the show and i said YES - she's just like me!)
Hope everyone had a restful weekend.
Jo
I'll tell you what I don't want to hear on Friday when me and Matt visit our GP, that's the word NO when we insist they start some fertility tests.
I don't care that we haven't been trying for more than 12 months. We need to have our minds put at ease.
Danni you could always lie and say you've been trying for two years. Heck most docs forget what you said last time... I think just doing the tests puts your mind at ease, then the tests are definately worth it !! -- Heather
It makes me feel so much better reading that all of you have heard all the annoying and insensitive comments I've heard.
Me least favourite is also the relax comment. We only told a few people we were TTC and I wish I'd told no one. One very well meaning friend would ask me each month "any news?" When I'd say "no not yet" she'd say "You're thinking too hard about it. If you just relax and stop trying so hard it will eventually happen". My response was "Well I'm only fertle a few days a month, if I don't think about it how will I ever catch those days"
Most of my friends have kids and I love playing with them. Every time I hold someone else's baby though I always get "oh that looks so good on you, when are you getting one of your own". (we haven't told friends yet we are pg) I always want to tell them off but usually just ignore them and switch subjects. One friend who knew we were TTC defelcted a few of those questions by jokingly telling the nosy mom that I was planning on becoming an exotic dancer and therefore had to keep my figure and couldn't have kids until I'd made a good career of it.
Another of my friends who had a new baby (and had a really rough time of it), didn't know we were TTC and was trying to discourage me from having kids. She said she loved her daughter but having a baby was nothing like she expected and if I ever thought about having kids I should seriously reconsider or think long and hard about it as it was such a life chaning thing (no really?). When I said I thought we might be ready for kids soon she said "I thought you didn't want kids, do you just wants kids though just because everyone else has them (meaning a large number of our friends who just had babies)?" What am I five? She has a baby so I want one too? No I just got older and realized i really do want kids. Spending time with my friends kids may have influenced me as I got to see how fun they were but i don't want kids just to be part of "the club".
I had to endure various comments over the weekend. When meeting a whole bunch of strange people, I kept getting the usual questions - are you married? yes. How long? nearly nine years. Do you have children? no. You've waited a long time!
We told none of these people that we were TTC, and that later that day I was to have my first injection of FSH for our first IVF cycle, but I just found it so incredibly rude! You never know what someone else is facing, or is struggling with, so those questions are just plain downright insensitive and offensive!
I guess it just goes to show that people take fertility for granted. The fact that we don't have children was always put down to our choice, a decision we had made to not have them. I think that even if we weren't trying, those questions and comments would have driven me nuts, as it was, it was very hard not to collapse into floods of tears or jump into fits of rage and physical violence.
BW
Hi there BW!
Funny you should have an encounter like that this weekend as i had an awful encounter as well!
I went to the movies with my DH on Sat night and prior to the movies I popped into the book store close by as I had some time to spare. Now I had just bought a new dress that cost me a little more $ than I usually do and I felt really good in it and had lots of comments about how nice it looked! and before i go further it was kind of a babydoll style where it stops under the brest and flare out a bit...anyway I was in the bookstore minding my own $%*%^&* business when this old guy whom I do not know says to me "how's the bub?" and I said "excuse me?" and he said "hows the bub" and I said "What Bub?" and he said "Oh, Im sorry I thought you were pregnant"- WHAT THE #$%@ IS THAT! A perfect stranger approaching me in a bookstore!!!!!! What is the chances of that happening to someone like me! Needless to say that I burst out crying in the cinema for about an hour after that!
Now I know that over the past few months I have put on around 5kilos and my gut looks a bit puffed but im still only size 10-12
What gives people the right to do that? more importantly Why do I have such rotten luck! I really felt good for once in this long struggle of mine, and God knows my self esteem has been shot to pieces- Why OH why did that happen to me? Sometimes I feel that Im cursed or something....goes bad luck is just follwing me around at the moment!
Kim, that was a really bad comment from a stranger!!! Poor you. I have had that one too and they only seem to do that to those of us LT. Just when you are feeling so crushed and vulnerable too. I swore never to wear that dress again when it happened to me but yours surely looks great or you wouldnt have had so many nice comments from everyone else?!
As for the Oprah episode, I saw it too. Actually I only saw that particular bit and I thought that woman handled it brilliantly. I wish I could respond like that but I just clam up so that I dont cry!!! Oprah really needed to be put back into place with those comments but unfortunately, they are thoughts that a lot of people seem to have. It was good to have someone who could express such a reaction calmly and rationally to explain it to such a huge audience. Hope it makes a difference to all those who watched it so they dont go saying dumb stuff like that to us lot.
Ladies I went to the Oprah website and put in my two cents worth. I put it under "ideas for the show" and thought a show just on teaching people what NOT to say and giving them ideas WHAT TO SAY to support would be a great start. Heck, if their website gets overloaded they might see that it would be a great idea. Women of the world UNITE & stick it to OPRAH !! (hehe) Kim I had my house cleaner last year ask me that. All this stuff does affect your self esteem. I have always had high self-esteem and always felt comfortable with who I am. This has been the first time something has shaken my option of ME. Of course I've been sad about the situations I've been in my life, but this time it hurt ME personally.
Heather
I read this article and it was as if I had written. I always get told that since we have been tryin 4 teo years we are just "TRYING TO HARD" I recently replied to my sisterin law when she said this to meI will tell J****** TO DO IT SOFTLY NEXT TIME SHALL I?" She had nothing not even a smart remark. My friends who concieved easily always tell me Oh if you just stopped thinking about it would happen . They don't realise I cant stop thinking about it when babies is all they talk about. 2 close friends just told me they were pregnant Im happy for them but I cried and just wished it was me. I hope IVF works for us the first time it would be so special.
After all the failed IUI cycles we are now starting IVF, I am sick of people asking and I don't really want to talk about it so when people ask I just tell them we are having a break - every single one of them responds with "well now you will get pregnant". This is even from people who know not to use the relax line.
My friend got pregnant with triplets on the pill (that was a fun bit of news) and her partner always says to me laughing - "you can have one of ours" - he thinks it is HILARIOUS, the fact that I didn't ever want him to even know about us also really hurts. It makes it difficult because you know you can't tell some friends because they just go straight home and talk to their partners. You can even imagine them saying to eachother "its because they think about it so much blah blah blah".
The most frustrating comments I have encountered:
* the famous "stop thinking about it and it will happen"
* "Once you have your first, the others will come really easy" - let me just focus on the first and then I will worry about the others if any!!!
* "Your life will never be the same after kids" - that is the whole point!!! DH and I want a child to add more happiness to our life.
Hi,
My mum is great at saying daft things. She doesn't mean it and doesn't know what to say. When I got the last BFN, I can't remember exactly what she said, but I ended up saying that actually, what she said was not in the slightest bit helpful and all she really needs to say is that she's sorry and is thinking of us. My parents are in the UK, so all this was over the phone, she started getting all teary and saying how she was sorry and didn't know what to say, and how she wished she could be here to give me a hug.
I'm really glad that i told her that she what she was saying was stupid. I'm lucky that I have a great relationship with my mum and dad and I can tell them if they are being unhelpful. On another phone call I actually read some of this thread out to her. we had a good laugh at some of the stupid things that people had said, and it really helped. Now my parents know not to be so insensitive. My mum even sms'd me the other day and said "I don't want to end up on that internet chat room...." !!!
Finally, the message is through! i also can use this site as a threat - don't say anything stupid, or else I'll put your comments on the internet! LOL.
Alex- PMSL that your mum is scared she will become our next "oh she didn't say that!!" pin cushion!
My favourite phrase is "All you care about is your career, you need to settle down and give DP a baby, he is so good with kids". Well thank goodness someone else pointed that out because after 12 years together I never would have noticed that he would be good dad! Oh and thanks again for the information regarding my career - perhaps if I quit my job and we ended up homeless we might be in a better position to have children!!
I honestly get so mad when people give me there view of my world. I just hope that I never forget the TTC experience and one day in my old age parrot these phrases to anyone!!
Hi Girls,
Just thought I would say that I am really impressed by most of your posts!
most people don't realise what they are saying, and that it could hurt those it's being said too, but it's great to see some good comebacks in the thread that I can use!
Baby Dust!:dance: