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I was so anxious about AFs arrival that its actual arrival was a bit of an anti climax TBH. And its all but gone. TMI: heavy the first day, med the next now I just have brown sludge. Its gross, but very light. Very little cramping which is unusal, usually first day is extremely painful. I was expecting it to be a lot harder.
Maybe its linked somewhere in my subconscious but it doesnt feel it. :dunno:
After only a month I wouldn't expect it to be any easier hun. For me, getting past my EDD was the big one. I remember saying to DP after about six months that I felt more 'normal' and that I could smile again, and really smile not just wear it on the outside. It takes time hun. Then getting past the EDD...... but honestly it never totally goes away.
The wisest thing I was ever told was that you don't get over it, you just learn to live with it. You'll find your new normal. In some ways, I wouldn't change what happened to me because it made me more humane - by reaching out to comfort another woman in the same situation, I've found a lot of hope and comfort myself. I hope that one day you can look back not only in sadness but with hope for all the lives you've touched by reaching out to them in their time of need.
I know it's not much, and I know you can't have the one thing you truly want (your baby back) but I promise you it does get easier. In the meantime we're all here to listen and talk. I hope you're giving that little heart another big squeeze. Because I stuffed it with pure love and healing vibes! Pinkie swear.
:heartbeat:
I wouldnt change that I was pregnant. Even though it was short and it hurts so much, Id never wish those few days away. And you're right, it has changed me. Im more confident, less worried about the little things and what people think, more empathic.
I have my heart with me almost always, in my pocket or bag. Is that a little odd? Haha oh well.
Thanks hon, I feel the love.
Not weird at all, it's very cute. I made it small enough to be carried anywhere because it's what I'd do! :)
:) glad Im not the only one.
Seeing lots of BFPs :crying:
Why?
Why all at once?
Why all in my face?
Why couldnt it be me?
Why does it hurt so much?
Oh huni. I don't frequent the TTC boards as its hard. Nothing against anyone its hard. My brothers girl is pregnant and its tearing me up inside but he's been really concerned about my feelings. Huge hugs huni. Xxx
I wish there was something more I could offer but all I have are :hug: and to let you know that I'm thinking of you and webern if I don't always post, I'm reading your posts
Thanks Sloane & Footsteps. While its not the purpose of my post, it is nice to know you care and are sending me love.
DTD last night. How long does it take for it to not be so scary? Poor DF is very deprived but it gives me anxiety attacks (tight chest, nausea, shakes) and I end up crying every time. I was begging he Universe/God/whoever in my head last night to make this cycle work and stick. I cant take another disappointment. And if Im this tense and strung out, wont it make it harder to concieve?
I keep having nightmares. Nothing in particular just random stuff. Last night I was woken up 5 or 6 times by them and then started imagining that I could hear DS awake, but when I checked him he was fast asleep. I rarely had nightmares until I was pregnant and they have hung around since. Most nights I'll wake at least twice. Is it likely to be hormonal still or is this psychological? I have stopped having pimple break outs as of about a week and a half ago.
First of all I'm so sorry to hear of your loss Calluna. It is very hard to get through, and the what if's constantly play in our head, and the little future we had already started planning :( After only a month, it's natural for it to still be very hard and raw, emotionally. :hug:
I found with my losses I would always find this, pregnant women everywhere, babies everywhere. I found it very confronting and hard to handle.:
Only a month- it feels like so much longer. Its gone by so slowly. I want to get off this ride. Feeling very alone and empty tonight.
Im so tired but Im afraid to go to bed, I should ovulate in the next few days and therefore DTD, urgh. And Im afraid to go to sleep, every night I have nightmares. Some nights worse than others. Falling asleep in my chair. *sigh* guess Ive fought it as long as I could.
You sound like you need help dealing with it. We have been Ttc for over 2 years and had a m/c at 10 weeks that was really bad. It's hard but you have got support. If you need to talk/vent message me. Really the anxiety attacks maybe talk to your Dr huni. Much love and gentle hugs xxx
Hugs hugs xoxo Maybe its time to have a chat to your GP/Counsellor and let out some of your feelings. It helps xox
I don't have a gp. I've been looking for a decent one that bulk bills and is accessible but so far they're all so crappy. Same deal with psychologists. Frustrating.
Anxiety is much better but still not sleeping. Last week or so has been hard, Im struggling to find reasons to smile. Impatient and grumpy with DS and DF. Im sick of TTC. I should be 13 weeks tomorrow. I should be "safe". Im nothing.
Off to start a thread asking for bulk billing psychologist/ psychiatrist recomendations...
Accupuncture would be good too but expensive. I intend to do a strict budget up with DF this week as the spending is out of control, so we'll see what is left after that.
Should be 20weeks today. Had been doing ok for a couple of months but feeling crappy tonight. My heart hurts.
:cry:
Does this ever go away or will I keep having random moments/days like this?
Should be 20weeks today. Had been doing ok for a couple of months but feeling crappy tonight. My heart hurts.
:cry:
Does this ever go away or will I keep having random moments/days like this?
:hug: it does get better but there are bad days. grieve on your bad days, if you go to the bottom of your pain and let it out it will help to heal you.
slowly and gently
:comfort:
I'd like to say it goes away completely but unfortunately I can't. It just becomes part of the background noise of your life, ITMS. I often think about my m/c (especially my first) with sadness, but it doesn't sting like it used to.
:hug:
Thanks girls. :grouphug:
Was wondering why I woke up feeling so depressed and drawn to the songs I had been so drawn to with Rosies loss.
But now I've figured it out..
It will have been a year next week.
My heart hurts.
It's tough when it comes around and you'll never forget. But try to focus on the miracles you do have in your life. Including that beautiful rainbow girl :hug:
Thanks Peace. :hug:
Calluna, your journey struck a chord with me, my loss was much earlier than yours thus easier to work through physically and emotionally. However soon after my loss I remember trawling through the forum looking for, I don't know what exactly, evidence that what I felt wasn't weird. Anyway I came across this thread and what you wrote, how you expressed yourself, was exactly how I felt, how I questioned etc. So when I saw your rainbow pregnancy announcement and your beautiful birth announcement and story I was so genuinely happy for you. I think you are very strong and smart and emotionally intuitive. So I just wanted to acknowledge you and your journey on this day.
Hugs LadyLove. Im glad it could help you.
You were 4+2 werent you? I was too.
Thank you for saying such lovely things. You brought tears to my eyes because I was so worried at the time that I sounded whiney and melodramatic but now I read it back and feel that I expressed myself exactly as I felt it. Not over the top at all. Just real.
I always hoped it would help someone else to feel validated and normal for feeling what they did and Im so glad it did for you. :hug: hope you are doing ok.
Yeah I was 4 plus 2 though in hindsight looking at dates and when got a BFP I think I was actually a tad further along, but no more than 5 weeks I'd say so still very early.
I am good, oddly enough a few close friends of mine had losses this year, all further along than I was, but feel like we have all taken each other's grieving on board in a supportive and strong way.
Im sorry to hear of your friends losses but great that you have that support. It makes a world of difference to know you arent alone.