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Thread: How do you describe what it feels like?

  1. #1

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    Default How do you describe what it feels like?

    I just recently had my third miscarriage ... another early 6week m/c. I am devestated and not coping the best. When I bought my feelings up with hubby hoping for some validation of my feelings and some comfort...I got nothing. Literally. He changed the topic and walked out of the room. I brought it up again and his lack of care. I know men don't have the same connection as women...but he pretty much spent the whole time defending his different position and it even came up that in his mind it doesn't qualify as a baby. Needless to say my heart is breaking and ive never felt more alone in my life not to mention I feel like im stupid for having this connection with being preggers so early.
    Is there anything out there that night describe what its like from my point.


  2. #2

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    No advice Hun but wanted to send big hugs xo

    Maybe he is really hurting too but can't get his head around it all?

  3. #3

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    I'm sorry for your loss, could you maybe let him read some other posts about loss that perhaps sum up how you are feeling?
    It could be that he has mentally set up some form of a block so your loss does not affect him so much?? Maybe he does not want to think if it as a baby as it might hurt more?
    Xx all the best during this sad time

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    Nope our convo turned out to be about him rationalising that its a body but not a spirit. Since we are Christian I had the premise that all three babies of ours are in heaven and he was like 'three?'....yes we have had 3 miscarriages. ..hubby: but there wasn't a baby in the first one (blighted ovum).... so I started the Convo just wanting comfort and I end up a hearbroken mess because I ended up defending the fact that weve lost 3 'babies'. :'( now I feel worse and soooo alone.

  5. #5

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    Just try to explain to him that from the second you found out you were pregnant the little life that was forming was your baby and you started planning and imagining your future with him/her in it. And to suddenly have those dreams taken off you really really hurts. Don't worry if he doesn't understand completely. Men can be funny creatures with things like this. It feels like we have a part of us ripped out after a miscarriage where as its not as physically or emotionally dragging for them. He needs to be there to support you though so I would just try explaining to him the way you are feeling and even if he doesn't feel the same way it doesn't matter, your feelings are valid and he has no right to deny you of them.. tell him that you need him to atleast try and give you the love and support you need at this sad time, even if its just a hug and letting you cry in his arms, sometimes theres not even any need for words. I hope this makes sense, its very late and im really tired! Thinking of you xx

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    Yeh I said something similar and that all I wanted was for him to care and validate my feelings and now I feel like hes done the opposite. Now hes asleep and I still feel like im crazy. He even said 'I don't understand why youre still grieving. Jyst don't think about it'.
    :'( it took me about 4days to work up the courage to tell him I was struggling with this should be 12wks milestone because I was afraid he wouldn't care how I needed him too... and now I know I was right in that I shouldn't have told him. I just wanted some acknowledgement from him that its ok to miss OUR baby. Instead I just get this feeling that he thinks im overacting.

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    My first pregnancy ended in a MC as well (blighted ovum) and I off course was heartbroken and upset, and DH in a way comforted me but was very matter of fact that there wasnt a baby there was an empty sac which did not help me at all as it was still a baby to me!!
    When I bought up miletstones that we should have reached he rolled eyes and told me it wasn't ment to be!! Which I did not think was right but in the end I thought we are both coping differently with the MC.

    Huge hugs and love you are not alone xoxox

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    I was happy going along with the whole "men think things differently" until you said that he's effectively told you to just forget about it and move on. Sorry, but he needs a kick up the bum for that one. I absolutely agree that men feel differently than women, particularly with early losses, but his job as your husband and partner is to SUPPORT you. He can not understand the way you're feeling until the cows come home, but he still has a responsibility to care for and listen to his wife. You don't need to understand something to be supportive.

    I'm really sorry Kirley. I felt totally lost, inadequate and broken after my miscarriages. Broken emotionally, but broken in that I couldn't keep my babies safe at this the basest of levels. I'm sorry you're going through this without the support that you deserve. I agree with Reet - from the moment we know we're pregnant, the dreams and hopes begin. You can't just forget that.

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    Oh kirley how lonely you must feel. And of course there are lots of arguments around when a baby becomes, well a baby, but the reality he needs to hear is that for a woman, it is most often a baby, a life, whatever you want to call it, the moment you conceive. He also needs to be reminded that grief does not require a fully formed or mature body. Grief is about losing something that was loved and cherished.

    As for the blighted ovum- sure, we all know what it physically means but conception - the creation of life - still occurred even if the pregnancy did not progress into the first forms of an embryo. His sperm fertilised your egg. The egg and sperm started the enormous process of cell division etc. that's how a human begins.

    Big hugs Kirley.

  10. #10

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    Thanks everyone for your replies.
    So here is what i ended up coming up with to explain it to him, since we just ended up arguing everytime I tried explaining what i needed from him and why:

    To my Husband:

    Mummy-to-be

    The words, they seem to escape me,
    No matter how much I try.
    I don't know how to make you see
    The reason for why I cry.

    The joy of two pink lines I see,
    The anticipation and dread they bring.
    The awe, excitement and expectation.
    Before you even know a thing.

    We made a little person!
    I wondered if we ever could.
    God has chosen to bless us,
    As the bible says, Bless us he would.

    What would this precious baby be like?
    Will it be more like you or me?
    What do I hope and dream for his future?
    Who do I think he will be?

    Maybe it's a little girl!
    We made a beautiful daughter.
    She will fill the rooms of our home,
    With giggling, dancing and laughter.

    Maybe it's a handsome son!
    More trucks, dirt and noise.
    Oh how the Lord will need to help me
    To be a mother of little boys.

    What do I need to do,
    To keep healthy and strong?
    To eat right, take vitamins and not be exhausted
    As this pregnancy goes along.

    I'll do everything in my power
    To give our baby the best start.
    I just can't think about labour yet,
    Oh dear the pain! Nope. I'm sure I can't.

    Now I must think about sharing with you
    The news of this little one.
    Will you be excited, anxious or surprised?
    either way, a Daddy you've become!

    Thank you Lord for this little babe,
    This special gift you've given to us.
    Thank you Lord for this little life,
    who into our care you entrust.

    I woke up early this morning,
    to the realisation that he was gone.
    My heart is totally in pieces.
    Why has this gone wrong?

    Why am I not good enough
    To carry him all the way?
    to see his squishy little face;
    To meet him, now I'll never have that day.

    To have those treasured moments
    Of him snuggled in my arms.
    It's my job to protect him,
    To keep him safe from harm.

    I'm sorry that I failed at that.
    I thought I did everything right.
    I want to turn back time and fix it.
    So he will never be out of my sight.

    Lord I thought you were blessing us?
    By making us parents to be.
    But now I feel you've turned your back
    And taken a part of me.

    I loved this little person.
    I dreamed about who they were.
    Now I'll never say, "I'm your mummy".
    I can never care for him or her.

    Oh Lord, why did we even get pregnant,
    If my baby you were just going to take?
    Why would you make me fall in love,
    Only for my heart to break?

    I just don't understand why,
    You've changed your mind about me.
    Why I'm no longer special enough
    for the job of 'Mummy-to-be'.
    Last edited by Kirley64; October 7th, 2013 at 01:10 PM.

  11. #11

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    Oh my goodness that is so beautiful and perfectly written. Have u shown your dh?

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    yeh he woke up as i was finishing writing it. So he read it over breakfast. Didn't say much other than i should really start publishing my poems (i have written alot) & stories because they are so good and emotional and real and i can make other people relate. etc etc.
    So i asked him if it achieved it's purpose of explaining to him and he said yes. (man of many words :S ) and that was the end of the convo. *sigh*

  13. #13

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    That poem is beautiful & very well written. Reading it brought tears to my eyes.
    I hope it has helped your husband to realise the pain & disappointment you have been healing so you can heal & move forward together. I also had a husband who didn't understand when I suffered my first two losses & I couldn't forgive him for not being there when I woke from surgery.

    I hope you find peace soon xxx

  14. #14

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    That poem is truly beautiful. While he may not have said the words he couldn't have read that and still feel removed.

    Sending you lots of hugs. I do agree with one thing he said though and that is you should consider publishing that poem

  15. #15

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    Default Re: How do you describe what it feels like?

    How are you going Kirley?

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    Default Re: How do you describe what it feels like?

    Hi Reet -
    Yeh i'm ok, had a few down moments but that poem was pretty burden lifting which is a good thing. Been able to cope much better. Very hard when i have about four friends who have all announced they are having babies the few weeks either side of my due date. But that's life!
    Trying again is on hold too until hubby hears about a job prospect in Antarctica for 12-18mths. wont know till end of feb. i am itching to try for another but have to wait it out.

  17. #17

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    Default Re: How do you describe what it feels like?

    Kirley so good to hear from you. X

  18. #18

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    Default Re: How do you describe what it feels like?

    Kirley - that poem was beautiful, just lovely xx

    Antarctica? Wow. Full on. Hope you are doing ok.

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