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Thread: Being mother to a premmie.

  1. #1

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    Default Being mother to a premmie.

    I hate shopping. I hate leaving the house because every time I do, someone always asks how old DD is, and I answer with her actual age. Their response is always "oh my goodness, is she ok? She's so little. Like a newborn!" My answer is always the long and painful story, told and then I feel crappy for the rest of the day. I hang my head in shame and walk away just about in tears...

    Yes, she's little. She was 850 grams when she was born at 29 weeks and 1 day. She's come so bloody far, and all they can think about is I'm starving my poor DD. or she has a serious medical condition.

    I feel guilty for drawing up her medication, her losec for severe reflux, her iron because she's anaemic... I feel guilty for the umbilical hernia she has developed because she and I got suck.

    I kind of want to shut the doors and lock everyone out. But I know I can't



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  2. #2

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    Oh huni. My sil had her boys at 28weeks. He is a very lucky boy to still be with us. Dont you dare feel guilty or ashamed. You have done a great job helping her to make it so far. Seeing what sils little boy had to fight to get to where he is i think premmies are the most amazinly strong children out.there. Next time someone asks smile and tell them proudly that your extremly premmy princess is doing great that shes so strong she has managed to get to where she is even tho she was born at 29weeks. hold your head high mumma

    sent from my galaxcy so please excuse the spelling

  3. #3

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    Exactly, what family of 3 said ,you're doing amazing, and so is your precious bubba, be proud of yourselves and celebrate ho far you've come already xoxox

  4. #4

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    People just judge, and they hurt when they do.

    I'm tempted to just tell them that she's newborn. Tell them her corrected age. Then I won't get the questions or funny looks or made to feel bad.

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  5. #5

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    Yep tell the their corrected age and that she's premmie. My bestie had her twin boys a week after I had DS so even though they are basically the same age they behave and look very differently as they are 4 weeks younger corrected age. The corrected age thing is really important in the grand scheme of things.

    Be proud of what you've been through. You've done a great job

  6. #6

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    We said DS1 was a newborn when we finally got to take him home, it was just easier than telling our life story to every stranger in Coles. Do what works for you.

    But, you & her have walked a REALLY TOUGH road to be able to even walk through Coles with her & don't let ANYONE make you feel ashamed of your story! If you don't want to tell everyone, that's your business but Amelia is pretty dang special for having come home after such a bumpy road & you as her Mummy walked an even rougher one.

    She's home & your actions, your determination, your love got her there. Nothing will ever change the journey that came before but hopefully one day you can make peace with what happened & feel pride that you both came out the other side.

    Many, many squishy

  7. #7

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    I am so sorry people are making you feel this way. You have both been through so much these past months and it is the last thing you need. Please don't feel guilty. FWIW my DD is not premmie but had/has severe reflux and my friends dd has an umbilical hernia and she wasn't premmie either.

    It is horrible to feel judged

  8. #8

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    Hun I get that too, Jett is tiny!! He'll be 6 months old next week and weighs 4.3kgs! So technically underweight for his adjusted age too..It's not always easy, but when you tell the story say it with a smile, tell them she's your miracle baby and how blessed you are to have her in your arms.. That's what I do..

    Also I feel better saying 'adjusted' age rather than 'corrected' If your correcting something it means it was wrong. My baby is not wrong he was just early.. I got this analogy from a wise friend who had 27week twins.. I never say 'corrected age'

  9. #9

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    Oh LysnDan . Please never ever feel ashamed. Tell people whatever you have to, but never feel ashamed. My twins have just turned one and have just reached the 7kg mark. People are forever commenting they are tiny. On the weekend, we took them for their 12 month needles and the nurse walked in and said "Oh no! I was told it was 12 month, not 6 month! I'll have to get new needles out'. We said "No, no it is 12 months' and she said "Are you sure?'. She apologised straight away for being insensitive but people really do say the stupidest things. For a while I got the shopping home delivered so I didn't have to put up with people. Now, I just smile and either nod, or say "I know! It's lovely they are so little. They are like my babies for much longer'.
    As for the reflux, my DS had very bad reflux and he was born almost at full term. My DH developed a hernia soon after birth. None of it is your fault.
    Please don't let the comments of stupid people that you will probably never see again hurt you. You have your lovely little girl and that is all that matters xx

  10. #10

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    There's nothing worse than the questions, and having to tell and re-tell your story over and over again. This is true with any painful experience. I find the best way to avoid re-living something painful again and again is to make up a quick standard answer I use on everyone. For example: When anybody asked about DSs birth, I'd simply say "It was a difficult experience but we overcame it together." That was the response for strangers anyway.

    Perhaps you could do something similar? eg "She's 3 and a half months old, actually. She came very early and we're lucky to have her here." That should shut them up pretty quick and turn judgement to support.

    Remember though, usually people aren't trying to make you feel bad. Most of the time it's accidental. Although why someone would ask if she's ok is beyond me. I personally would never comment on a baby's health or appearance unless I was invited to by the mother starting the conversation herself. Actually, thank you for bringing this up, because I tend to say things like 'Oh, so sweet and tiny' when I see what appears to be a newborn. I should be more mindful and perhaps say 'What a beautiful little one' instead of using words like tiny or teeny.................... to the mum of a prem that could be upsetting. Note to self!

    Be strong hun, you're doing a wonderful job.

  11. #11

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    People always ask if Jett's ok when I say he was prem.. I think they wanna know if he has any long term affects.

  12. #12

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    Quote Originally Posted by blessedatlast View Post
    Hun I get that too, Jett is tiny!! He'll be 6 months old next week and weighs 4.3kgs! So technically underweight for his adjusted age too..It's not always easy, but when you tell the story say it with a smile, tell them she's your miracle baby and how blessed you are to have her in your arms.. That's what I do..

    Also I feel better saying 'adjusted' age rather than 'corrected' If your correcting something it means it was wrong. My baby is not wrong he was just early.. I got this analogy from a wise friend who had 27week twins.. I never say 'corrected age'
    Actually, you have a point there will be referring to it as adjusted age from now on.

    You're all right. I didn't do anything wrong. My body had developed a serious life threatening disease, which was so close to killing us both. But my miracle baby survived. And so did I.

    I shouldn't be afraid to tell the birth story or tell people why she resembles a newborn at 4months old. But I am. It's lke re living it all again. I am still not 'over' the PTSD surrounding the birth of Amelia and the events leading up to it. One minute I was fine, driving DH to the airport, and that same day I had an OB appt, whisked me to local hospital, then off to KEMH at around lunchtime, then she was ripped from my body at 10:43 that same night. Without DH.

    How do I summarise that without people asking more questions ?

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  13. #13

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    Just say "after a very traumatic premature birth we are both lucky to be here" then give Amelia a kiss and start talking to her. Then the stranger can't really ask more questions..

    It is awful, and just because they are home now doesn't mean everything is ok. I don't think I'll ever get over the trauma I'll just learn to live with it I guess. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

  14. #14

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    I can only imagine how hard it is.

    But know that my DD was born with an umbilical hernia as well and she was full term. It caused a few issues but it mostly always corrects itself and definitely not your fault!

  15. #15

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    Quote Originally Posted by LysnDan View Post
    I shouldn't be afraid to tell the birth story or tell people why she resembles a newborn at 4months old.
    While you shouldn't be afraid to tell your story, you also shouldn't feel that you need to tell complete strangers. It is none of their business. If you don't feel like talking about it, don't. Just say her adjusted age and leave the rest out. I wouldn't even call it "adjusted age". You shouldn't have to relive your trauma just because someone is a stickybeak. If you want to talk about it, that is fine too. Don't feel guilty.

  16. #16

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rowellen View Post
    While you shouldn't be afraid to tell your story, you also shouldn't feel that you need to tell complete strangers. It is none of their business. If you don't feel like talking about it, don't.
    Yeah, that. I'd just tell them she was prem and leave it at that. If they ask more questions, they're likely genuinely interested, so unlikely to be judgey; and you can talk about it if you want, or tell them you'd rather not.


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  17. #17

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    Totally agree with what's already been said

    It depends on my mood as to whether I tell them DS1's real age or lie... most of the time I lie and just say the age that he looks. DS1 is 5 and when people ask me how old he is along with their guess I usually agree with their guess, which is usually way off lol.

    It does get easier, and the older they get the less polite I've become at their stupid questions. I've had people ask me if DS1 was normal... my reply... was a question back at them... Are you normal? that shut them up lol.

  18. #18

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    aww hun i feel you pain
    we used to get stopped at the time becuase they were twins
    and then i would get "OMG they are soo small!" like no crap sherlock (mind you they were 1.7kg and 2.4kg when they came out of hossy so that was big to me at the time)
    and they i would be ask when they were born, were they sick and cop this - were they IVF? like i am gonna tell a stranger this info

    I did end up with a leather hide from all the comments and i learnt not to make eye contact with anyone when i was out- i know that sounds strange but i was getting stopped like ever 100 meters and a 30 mins shopping trip would end up 2 hours cause of all the sticky beaks

    In the end I would make sure that they were really covered up so they could see out but people could not see how tiny and also not touch them- yup people would touch them and i would go off!!
    hugs hun and it will settle and you do learn to be really sarcastic when you haave to be lol
    hugs

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