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Thread: The fallout

  1. #1

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    Unhappy The fallout

    I though I would take this to a side thread so I could have an outlet for my thoughts and not bring the tone of our parenting thread down. I need the *normal* in the parenting thread to remind me that life continues on and there is a world outside of this hell I am living in.



    How do you deal with the fallout post the loss of your husband? The one who was your support, your partner, your lover, your friend? And how do you make sure the little people get what they need when you don't feel like you can give them anything at all?

    I know it is not even 2 weeks since Greg died. I know this will take time (I believe it will take a lifetime and even then I will still feel the pain ). But right now, I don't feel like I can do this solo parenting role and grieve at the same time.

    My babies need me. They need me so very much right now. DS (not quite 3) is waking from sleep and sobbing for Daddy. He cries for Daddy when he gets into trouble. He has his dummy more often because (in his words) "I am grumpy, I miss Daddy". DD (nearly 16m) has been in a right mood, walking around the house and calling out for Daddy. She just can't say what she feels but she knows he is gone.

    And me - here I am trying to grow our last baby together, trying to keep the babies together and trying to find some time to grieve. And I feel so very alone I have support. I have my parents here ATM. I will send them home next weekend so that we can start to find our new normal but I will still be surrounded by support. Yet, I am without the only person I really want or need. And I will be without him forever.

    It still feels like a bad dream. It still feels like I could wake up and everything will be ok. But it isn't. It is real. I have seen the physical evidence. I was there when it happened. I buried him last week.

    How can I be the parent I want and need to be when I never planned to do this alone? I was to share the rest of my life with this man that I took so long to find. We had already been through so much together. Why me? What did I do to be given this path?

    I have people telling me how strong I am. That I am so brave. It is all a front. I have cried a lifetime of tears and continue to cry multiple times every day. Yes, I did a eulogy with composure and managed the funeral with composure but I sobbed through my practice run sitting next to Greg as I said goodbye to his physical body and I sobbed that evening when the exhaustion hit me and the loss of my entire life was in my face.

    I need to get these things out of my head so that I can continue to function - because I am barely functioning. I need to be everything to these babies and make sure they don't suffer for something beyond the control of all of us. But we are suffering. And we will continue to suffer for many, many years to come.

    There is no real purpose to this post. Very few people have to walk this path (thank goodness!!!!) But we are, and I need to let it out somewhere without someone telling me it will be ok. It may be - but it isn't today and it won't be tomorrow.

  2. #2

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    Michelle

    I will never tell you it will be OK. It won't ever be the 'ok' it was I think about you all the time, every day. When I am struggling with my three, I think of you and I wonder how you will do it without the one person you need, my heart in my throat for you. I don't know the answers, I don't have any. But I want you to know that I am here, we are all here. We can't do anything to change it, to make it better, but we can listen. And we can drink coffee with you and eat chocolate with you. And we can bring our children to play with your children so that for just a few hours, things might seem 'normal' for them. We can do that for you, any time you want us to.

    I am giving you some space to spend the time you need with those closest to you but know that I am here and you are constantly in my thoughts
    Last edited by Willow; April 18th, 2010 at 05:07 PM.

  3. #3

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    Michelle,

    I'm not going to try and say I understand, because I don't. I know what it is to love someone with all your heart and I would be devistated if this link was broken.

    I know it will get better because I have seen others go through it - other members of my family and friends that have lost their partners and carried on. It was not easy, but they did it.

    I am probably no help at all - all I can say is that I believe that you will get through this and find your new type of normal.

    Huge hugs

  4. #4

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    Sigh Hugs
    Last edited by Inanna; April 18th, 2010 at 11:30 PM.

  5. #5

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    Michelle I don't know what to say to you to comfort you at all I don't think there could be anything that would make it better. I am devastated for you as I am sure your family and IRL friends are too. I do know that you are never alone on BB we are all here to love and support you.

  6. #6

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    I couldn't read your post and not reply

    I have nothing of worth to say and unless we go through it, none of us will ever know how you are truly feeling ....just take one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time and know that you will have the support of family and friends (and the lovely ladies of BB) around you when you feel it is all getting too much....

    take care (as best you can) of yourself and your beautiful babies
    Last edited by ~Gee_Whizzy~; April 18th, 2010 at 04:57 PM.

  7. #7

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    Michelle hon..no words any of us say will be of any help. Just please know that we are here for you at anytime for anything.
    Last edited by maz; April 18th, 2010 at 04:54 PM. Reason: forgot to take out my siggy for this section of forum

  8. #8

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    I have no words Michelle, just so many

  9. #9

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    Ohhh, hun. It's all so hard.

    I can't give you any advice because I think you're already doing a better job than anything I could suggest. All I have to say is to do what feels right. If you need to cry, cry. (I am, right now!) If you find yourself laughing, well, laugh for as long as it feels good (and don't feel guilty. Feel strong)

    Just because he's not physically by your side won't change your ability to be a great parent. It will just change the way you do it a little bit.

    I really admire you for embracing the concept of finding your new normal. I think that's a great step to take.

    to you.

  10. #10

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    Michelle,

    I really dont have the words to help you, have you contact with cougar on our boards? she lost her husband last year and she may be able to help you in ways people who havent gone though what you have can

    thinking of you and your family

    xox

  11. #11

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    I wish there was something more we could do, it's not fair that your DH was taken from you and your children, but I'm sure he is watching over you and will give you the strength you need to make it through. Just take it day by day and give yourself as much as you need.

    You know we are all here for you on BB whenever you need us. xxx

  12. #12

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    Michelle, there is nothing anyone can say that will make things any easier for you. the path you have to walk now is yours alone, and i'm sure i'm not alone is saying that my heart is breaking for you. you have the support of so many people here on BB, and i'm sure so many IRL. it will take time for your heart to heal even a little, time to find your new "normal" and time for you and your children to adapt - and we are all here for you.

    take care,

    BG

  13. #13
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    Hugs hun I couldn't read and not reply, my heart is breaking for you there is nothing I can say to take away your pain, but know that we are all here for you to support you and your darling children.

    xoxo

  14. #14

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    Michelle, I couldn't read and not reply. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. There is nothing anyone can ever say to make it better for you. So many for you at this sad time. I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say..
    Last edited by Inanna; April 19th, 2010 at 08:43 AM.

  15. #15

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    I'm so sorry, I have no words. Just a
    I wish you and your family all the strength in the world to get through each day.

  16. #16

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    michelle i have hugs for you i cant offer any words of wisdom, im sorry

  17. #17

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    Michelle: you know what, it's ok for you to be sad infront of the kids, it's ok to show them that you miss Daddy. It's ok to feel that you can't do it all. There are no rules for this. There is no way you can possibly know what today, tomorrow even right now might bring. You are in the intense raw phase of grief. It must hurt, not just emotionally, but physically hurt. I know it's different but when I lost Harry I physically yearned for him, my arms ached to hold him. Allow that hurt to come. It won't consume you, I know you are a tough cookie and I know that you will rise above the pain with time.

    Give youself time to immerse yourself in this grief. I think that is healthy. Once the kids are in bed have a bath and just purge the pain of the day. Sob, pray, meditate do whatever it is you need to get up and carry on tomorrow.

    I'm not going to tell you it will be ok for right now it isn't bloody ok, it's bloody terrible. What I will say is that those little people are the reason you will get through this. They will give you all the strength you could ever need.

    With all my love
    Spring

  18. #18

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    michelle, im so sorry huni, i have no advice just massive hugs. you and your family are in my thoughts daily. lots of love xox

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