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Thread: Parenting After Miscarriage or Loss - January 2010

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    Default Parenting After Miscarriage or Loss - January 2010

    Welcome to Parenting after Miscarriage or Loss. In this thread you will find women who are navigating the sometimes difficult but joyous challenge of parenting after saying goodbye. This can throw up many challenges and in here you will find friendship and a safe place to share your experiences.



    If you have any concerns within the thread please email/ PM any of the following Moderating/Admin team for this forum (all emails & PM's are treated equally & confidentially) :-

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    Here's wishing each and every one of you, a happy and easy going parenting journey after a difficult ride to get there!

    You will find the previous thread HERE

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    Janie, I think everyone has already said everything there is to say. Hopefully it's just a case of you having smaller babies (I figure there's got to be small ones and big ones to create the average!) and that everything is ok.

    BW

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    Janie: hun. Sounds like you've had a rough day. It is good that the ob is keeping an eye on you but the best person to judge how you and bub are doing is you. Don't feel silly if you just 'don't feel right' and want to be checked. Perhaps start a kick chart and also start a BH chart to see if there is any regularity to the pains you are feeling.

    As frustrating as it is, now is the time to rest as much as possible. Call in some favours, accept those offers of help, eat take away if you don't feel like cooking. Don't feel guilty about Noodle, he will be fine, he will have a new little brother or sister in a few months and will be so busy and excited.

    Take care hun

    Spring xx

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    Janie Sending you more hun. The girls have said everything I was thinking too hun. Try and rest as much as you can and listen to your body and bub
    Try not to be too concerned about taking the meds...if its what's needed to keep your bub in there a bit longer then that's a good thing hun

    Michelle How are you doing hun. You've been in my thoughts all day today

    Kelly More for you too You did very well catching up with your friends today. I can imagine how difficult that would have been

    for everyone

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    Kelly You did so well today...

    Michelle: I hope you are doing okay today... My love to you darling woman...

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    Kelly, I'm so sorry it was a hard day for you . I thought it might be, because of what you've told me about your close friends. Not that they're horrible or anything!!! Just that they haven't been there, so they don't really *get* it. I know you're desperate to catch up with everyone etc while you're in Perth, but make sure you take plenty of time for yourself too..........it will be hard when you get back here .

    Michelle, go easy hun, we all know the next few weeks are going to be really tough. It's okay to vacillate . We will all be here as a sounding board, with absolutely no judgement. As others have said, this is an extremely personal decision......and one that you will likely not have to make beyond theory Thinking of you lots xoxo

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    Well - life certainly is crud at the moment Parents are on their way down after Dad cut his hand with a chainsaw. Not critically bad but needing surgery. I sorted out specialist and plan but because there is no bed they wanted to go somewhere else where the local hospital had arranged (being the *good* patients ) Small dummy spit from me saying go wherever and 2 phone calls from 2 different bed managers and they are driving down for me to sort out. Day off work today but I will be out there to do my *thang* and get him ready for surgery tomorrow.

    Not to mention I am yet to talk to Mum about the NT results. Told Dad due to the past history of her acopia with stuff outside her experience. That should be fun.

    As for Omar - hoping and praying I won't need to consider the alternate side of the coin. I am still swaying between options despite our *plans* due to many, many other factors. It is going to be a long few weeks.

    Janie - take the meds, rest and look after yourself I'll chat to you soon to see how you are going.

    Kel - It is tough when they don't really get it. And many don't unfortunately. Thinking of you and make sure you put your needs up the top of that list.

    BBL. Stuff to do.

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    Oh Michelle I hope your dad is ok and good luck with his surgery tomorrow. Lucky you work in the "industry"

    Sending you more

    Janie How are you doing?

    AFM I'm really struggling today. Its 4 weeks to the day since my little bub grew wings I just wish I could move on and get over it like I'm being told I should but far out its hard. And to top it off I posted a little thing on my FB status and my boss replied with ?? as she hasn't got a clue and I'm not sure if I should tell her cos I think she's pregnant after a comment from her husband on her status...saying "hope its a girl" she has 3 boys so I'm guessing that is what he's talking about...she hasn't said anything but I just know

    Sorry for the rant..just needed to get it off my chest. I know there are more important things going on here without my sh*t too

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    Mako - Oi you, stop that immediately. It's not 'sh*t' at all!! All of what you are feeling is very normal, very valid and very sucky I wish I could make it better

    Kelly -

    Michelle - I hope your dad will be OK and his surgery isn't too painful

    I am around but not in a good headspace and not knowing what to say to all of you that are having such a rough time

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    Kelly: You are an amazing friend to put yourself in that situation. I'm sorry your friends don't 'get it'. I hope they realise how lucky they are to have a friend like you.

    Michelle: Far out babe, time for some good luck to come your way. Sorry to hear about your Dad but by the sounds of it you've got it sorted. Hope all goes will with the surgery.

    Mako: Listen here woman 'spring says in her stern voice' your s*hit is just as important as anyone elses. No matter if it's been 4 weeks or 4 years it still bloody hurts so please don't feel you need to censor your emotions. Sorry to hear about DH. Been in a similar situation before. Men don't seem to realise it's the lie that hurts the most. Hope you guys can talk through it and sort it out.

    Willow: Sounds like you could do with a also.

    Big big love to all of you.

    Spring xx

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    Oh Mako hun, that's what we're here for! Getting through anniversaries is really hard, and our heart sometimes picks them for us, we can't just decide logically when to grieve and not. We know how difficult it is when you spend your day thinking about 'the' day, and all the what ifs it's horrible. I wish I could be there with you in person to give you a hug and take you out for a coffee and cake. Man, I wish I could have a word with whoever is telling you that you need to move on and get over it!!! They've clearly not been where you are, it is not that easy. Oh if it were! Don't let those words into your head hun, know that you can take as much time as you need, this is not something you can measure out and say 'right, I will be over this on day......' It just doesn't work like that. Look after you hun, and lean on us when you need to .

    Michelle, that is soooo crap, and not what any of you need right now! Oh god, I hear you on the 'good' patient thing, that's what my ILs would be like, it drives me nuts. I really hope your dad is okay, sounds like he'll be in good hands . I hope too (even more so!) that the telling of the news is okay.........for you . I'm guessing that it's going to be tough for you. I'm not quite sure what to say, cos I can sort of understand the fear you must be feeling at bringing it up.......but also know that it is important for you to share this with your family. I hope it goes well hun, know that we're here if you need us afterwards Oh, and L told me that she PMd you......but is now worried because she has read your post and knows you have your own dramas. I've assured her that you won't be bothered, and that you will be happy to chat to her when things have settled for you .

    You know, I'm pretty sure I just bake little babies. No one in either of our families has big ones, not one over 7.5lbs that anyone can remember! No one gets to 40 weeks either. But they all grow 'well rounded' babies, mine are the only ones that are somewhat stunted . I think I'm secretly really worried about the impact this will have on this bub outside of the uterus. But I can only prepare, and do what I think is best with the info that I have! So we'll wait and see. Hopefully all the measurements on the scan will look good, and we can relax! As for the 'contractions', I have had some more this morning, so I've decided to get the script filled today and start it tonight. Apparently it might make me feel a bit off for a couple of days, so I'd rather get started while DH is at home etc. Discussed it with DH this morning, and said I was unsure......I don't want to feel crappy, and TBH even filling the script feels like admitting that there's something wrong (which I know is COMPLETELY ridiculous!). But I DO NOT want to go into labour and wished that I'd paid more attention to my body. I said to DH that I wish Max had just told me what to do! But that I understand that I'm the best judge of what my body is doing etc, and I'm glad he trusts that.

    I'm sorry to go soooo completely OTT venting about all of this, but I know I need to get it out or I'm going to burst into tears at some inappropriate time. My mum looked after DS yesterday while we had our appt, cos I knew we'd be hanging around for the GCT etc. I love my mum, she is soooooo good to us. But she is convinced that I'm going to go early this time (like, at a similar time to DS) and that I really need to take it easy. That I should have stopped work already etc etc. I know she is genuinely worried about it (particularly as she gets to help pick up the pieces), even thought I have reassured her that I'm not doing anything against Max's instructions. He is fine with the activities I have on for now. So......I told DH yesterday that I didn't want to tell my mum about the 'ctx' and that he'd given me a script. He agreed, and said that we would tell her if I had to start the meds. Now the thing is, I know that I need to tell her. I don't like keeping a secret from her, and it's not really fair considering that she is the one who mostly looks after DS, is helping me to get organised, and will be looking after DS while we're in hospital. So I'm going to tell her, but I don't want to, and I'm not looking forward to it (Michelle, you might empathise). She is going to freak out, and I don't want to deal with that. I need minimal freaking out around me right now LOL I'm doing enough of it.

    Anyway, I'm also second guessing myself about what to do........it's ridiculous. I have Max looking after us, I've contacted my LC, I will speak to my Naturopath next week, so we are well covered with plans. But I've been wondering if I should go back to AP too, or is that just OTT? She told me I could go back at 34 weeks to have a couple of visits to get me to term, and bub in a good possy etc. I've been thinking that I might wait until 32 weeks, and see what's happening then. I'm all for alternative therapies, but is there such a thing as too much attention? I know I'm worrying about it way too much - but I don't want to have bub early and wish I'd worried more!

    Sorry for the loooooong post.

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    Okily dokily - I was hoping a new thread would bring good things

    Firstly for Mako - a very big forehead slap followed by a bigger hug No person and no problem is bigger OR more important than yours!!!! It sucks. It's hard. And it won't stop just because someone tells you to *get over it* Just understand that we love and support you because of and despite our own problems We are here for you to talk to, vent to and just let it all hang out. Why?? Because we care, we have (unfortunately) been there, and we understand the pain. Let us support you xx

    Janie - oh I feel that anxiety I am sure Dad will have told Mum but until she is ready it will not be talked about and TBH I am ok with that. Much better than the alternative!! As for your treatment I would go for the acupuncture too. It will help with managing your stress and they may be able to get the points to decrease the uterine activity as opposed to stimulating it. My opinion is the more the better You can never be looked after too much when they are practitioners with your best interest at heart. Max sounds like he trusts you and you need to as well. The medication is not a failure (hey, if it was then I have *failed* many times now ) but an adjunct to getting you through this pregnancy to a more optimal time. As for work - if it is increasing the contractions then it is time to stop.

    Willow - just keep us company!! No need to feel like you need to say something profound. Just being there with us is the most important gift you can give us.

    BBL - a late dinner for the little people has just finished. Now to decide what to do with them while I wait for the parents to arrive. Probably closer to 9pm now. Nothing like a late night, an early morning AND having to work tomorrow!!! Oh well, at least will be at my work and I can do the needful and make sure it is sorted.

    Love to you all. I am doing ok. Omar is moving around and I am at a peaceful crossroad waiting for the test and the result. Little people don't allow you to be too self absorbed too often LOL

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    Mako big big cuddles honey.... I can't say anything eloquent to describe how thoughtless & insensitive it is to treat you this way. We are here - we understand & more than that we want to support you, love you and be here for you through this time... And there will be good times again darling woman - just for now though it's sucky, it hurts like there are no words to describe... We are here.

    Michelle: Bloody Norah if it doesn't rain it pours... I am sorry about your Dad - chain saws are merciless. I am glad you're on the job - I do get "the good patient" syndrome & I am glad you're there for him. Just make sure someones there for you honey. I hope your Dad copes well with Omars news & that you cope with his coping...

    Janie - good luck with your Mum darling I hope she manages to keep it together so you are not unnecessarily stressed...
    Sending everyone love & cuddles... xxx

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    all round ladies it seems a few of us are in need of them

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    MAKO _ Dammit, I now wish I had put something in your FB status because I read your status & also the '??' & I wasn't very happy, but I didn't know who the person was in relation to you so I didn't. Grrr to them & I sometimes you just have the intuition that something is happening & I'm sorry your boss is possibly pg again, sorry for you that is. I can only imagine how tough this has been to you, it's just not fair. How is DH been just lately?

    WILLOW _ I too have no clue what to contribute in here just lately, so I have only been lurking because I just feel as though I can't make any difference. I hope that makes sense? On a brighter note is V excited about school F I V E days per week? hehehe, I bet you are! LOL. Does she have a school uniform all waiting & the shoes, etc...? I'm not sure what you call the grades in NSW, but last year Jess did Kindy which was 2 days per week & this year she is in Pre-Primary which is 5 days per week & next year she hits Year 1. Is this the same for you?

    KELLY _ I'm sorry your friend just didn't get it today, it's a really sinking feeling to know that the closest people to you, just don't get how things feel. Not that you wish a m/c upon anybody else, but sometimes you just wish they knew the hurt. My MIL often said off-course things about my m/c & even my own sister just doesn't understand either, but I just shut down over it now & pretend I didn't hear a thing. I agree with Janie, you need to take some YOU time! Go get a new style @ Maurice Mead or go to the movies & see Avatar & take advantage (not the mean advantage), of the help your mum is offering. Do some things for you, even buy a few housey nick nacks for Mel so you can connect it with buying them in Perth if that will help??

    MICHELLE _ I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, I really hope everything goes well with his surgery. I sent you a text today, but have now read about your dad, so just press delete for me. Have you told your parents? What time is the amnio booked for? Is Greg going to that with you? I'm glad the kidlets are a somewhat distraction for you though, as frustrating as it can be at times.

    BW _ I wish you were in my class at High School, my mum would have been so happy if you were my friend. Numbers & me just don't mix. LOL. How are you going lately? Everything good?

    JANIE _ I think you should tell your mum, for reasons that you stated yourself, but you know your mum & your body, so you will know what's best. How little are they talking with little about bubs? How little was Nicholas? I really, really hope you don't go into early labour, so you need to rest, relax, take your chill pills & let DH be the hunter/gatherer & all the things in between! LOL

    FREYA _ I was thinking about you so much the other night, the post you wrote about either being the pg or newborn mummy really hit home. That's how I felt for a loooooooong time after Claudia, when she hit the age that Jess was when I fell pg, I kept on thinking something was 'missing' & it was because I wasn't pg again. Then when she hit 2y3m which was the age Jess was when she was born, I felt naked again, like I should be giving birth again. I did second-guess myself for a long time, & I wish I could talk myself into another baby, because I would love a spontaneous birth, rather than being induced, but I'm very happy where things are right now. I have no nappies, no breast feeding, no waking during the night, the kids can put their shoes on & are becoming more independant each day, so I just hang onto that! LOL

    Hope you all have wonderful saturday nights!

    Love Jayne x

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    Thanks girls. I still feel like my problems aren't as important but that's just how I am. I'm hoping today is a better day here. DH is out fishing so Sage and I are going to head to the lake and have a swim and wait for him to come back in with hopefully a decent amount of fish like last Sunday(he gave those ones away though ) so I'm hoping we can put some in our freezer today.

    As for DH he's ok I think (doesn't say much) except he went off about my post on FB too and said I shouldn't post things like that cos people will ask questions and he doesn't want them to know the answer All I can say is MEN!!!
    So from now on I won't be posting much on there. As for my boss I have known for quite sometime that she was always going to try for another baby and hoping she has a girl as she has 3 boys who are feral children( I don't say that about many kids but these boys OMG I wouldn't let them be around Sage)

    Janie I would let your mum know too hun. Hopefully she'll respond a bit better than you're thinking she will
    How are you feeling today? Just wanted to let you know Sage was/is still little. We had all the growth problems inside and outside of the womb but we are getting there slowly and now I'm trying not to worry as much about it all cos he's happy and he's healthy
    You are doing everything you should be for you and your baby. Please try and relax as much as you possibly can and let your DH do whatever needs to be done

    Willow Ok spill babe..Whats going on? Send me a text and I'll call you if you want or email or post here. You need to get whatever is bothering you out too

    I'm thinking of you all and a big for everyone.

    P.S Had a text from Bun last night and she said she and Joshua are doing well and should be home either tomorrow or Tuesday.

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    Mako - I know exactly how you feel hun.. I think I'm very similar to you, it's scary! I'm not sure what you're FB status update was (I think I need to find a few more of you on FB.. so PM me your details if you want me as a friend)!! Anyway.. what I was saying is that I'm the same.. I put far too much on FB sometimes and have just avoided it lately to stop myself saying too much!! Don't worry about everyone else though and if you don't want to say anything to your boss.. then don't.. let her think whatever she wants! Sending you lots of big hugs.. god knows we both need them!

    Michelle - OMG.. your poor dad. Things like this always happen all at once. Thinking of you and still praying all is going to be fine with OMAR!

    Janie - Big hugs for you too... and vent as much as you like. I'm glad you're filling the script.. better to be safe. Can't wait to have a big catch up when I'm back... god knows I need it too!

    Big hello's and hugs for everyone else. Sorry.. have to be quick.. Mum's damn computer has gone down so I'm on the hubby's laptop and I'm not supposed to look up anything personal on here.. as it's his work one.. he would not be happy if he knew I was on here!! Oooopps.. just had to check in with everyone.

    AFM - didn't go to any of the baby showers and feel bad but I just couldn't do it to myself. If I wasn't feeling bad enough already, I've had an incredibly sore throat this week too.. can hardly eat.. but hey.. I'm not really hungry anyway. Still p*ssed that I can't swim and feeling a bit crappy but I think I'm doing ok. DS had a sleep over at my MIL last night so we're off to get him soon. Was nice to have a good sleep but MIL is a little frustrating sometimes. Anyway can't go into that. Just wanted to thank you all again for the support and let you know I'm doing ok. I still can't believe this has happened and wonder when we'll ever get another bub. I know I should be happy that we have DS but we're desperate for another one.. and soon. There's a big gap between my brother and I because my Mum had so many problems and I just didn't want that for my kids. Not that we can help it.

    Love to you all.

    Kel xxx

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    for everyone!

    Mako, Kelly, Michelle, thinking of you all especially. And Willow, please feel free to let loose if there's something bothering you Deb, hope all is okay in your world.......

    Well I have nothing profound to say either, but just wanted to drop off some hugs. Oh, Spring, I'm sooooo glad to hear that you're having so many good days! Please feel free to post that in here, some happy news would cheer us up I think .

    And Bun and Joshua, I'm so excited that you will be home soon.........can't wait to hear all about how things are going!!! We really need the 'pot of gold at the end of the rainbow' stuff in here ATM, so pleeeeaaase fill us all in

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