Parenting after Miscarriage or Loss ~ March/April 2010

Michelle - :comfort: :comfort:

Michelle :hug: you are the most amazing person I know. Seriously. I am so angry that your having to do this, it isnt fair :hug: :hug: :hug:

Michelle beautiful woman please know that we are all here for you and will remain by your side throughout this painful journey.

Greg was an amazing man. Today I find my mother and sister sheding tears for him. Not because they know him, but because I have spoken so fondly of you both and they know exactly how much you mean to me.

Holding your hand through this on the darkest days.

Love Spring

Goodnight gorgeous Woman. My candle is still going brightly & all of us are supporting you. :hug:

Michelle, I have been thinking of you non stop. I wish there was something that I could do for you.
I am just so moved by all of the support in this forum. You are all such fantastic friends. :grouphug:

Hi girls - another day dawns.......... the sun is shining in Hobart, but there was not much sleep here for thinking about Michelle and Greg and their family........... and as I wake today, I think of you Michelle, waking up to the horrible reality that yesterday served up so unexpectedly and so cruelly.

I had to go to a shopping centre the day after I lost my DH, and I remember I couldn't fathom how everyone was fine, and going about their business - while my world was shattered, couldn't they tell by the look on my face, by the great gaping hole in my chest? It so hard to go on Michelle, but your children will not let you completely fall apart, they will help hold you together, as I hope your friends and family will too. This is the time you must lean on others, you must.

Sigh, you are very much in my thoughts, and obviously in the hearts of so many people - none of this will bring your Greg back to you, but it will help hold you up, especially during this intensely shocking and painful time.

:hug: Lee xoxoxo

Lee - you are describing my reality perfectly. I slept badly. So did the babies. Oscar woke through the night calling out for daddy and sobbing. Lily woke this morning with her usual call for daddy too. It breaks my heart each and every time.

My sister is taking them out so I can try to get some decent sleep but the thoughts keep coming and so do the tears. I am broken. Living an existence I never imagined on Sunday. The pain hurts so much and I just want to be held in his arms again. I just want it to stop but I know it won't. This is my life now. The one without Greg. I have to keep going but everything just seems so very hard right now.

You will never truly comprehend how much your support means to me. Thank you.

Oh Michelle :comfort: I haven't stopped thinking of you all night and all morning. I have imagined the children calling for their daddy and my heart breaks for them too. I am so very, very sorry :cry:

We are here, we will always be here.

:hug: Michelle.

Michelle: my heart is aching for you. I was up feeding Ben last night and found myself still awake an hour and a half later just thinking of you and Greg. I wish I could do more. I feel so helpless. What I can do is offer you my unwavering love and support.

Michelle I woke up this morning at 1am & I cried and cried and cried for you... :hug: My arms actually ache Ijust want to squeeze you... (that sounds really dumb but its true... :redface:)

This is so hard for us outside of you to fathom & I can only imagine how hard it is for you.

I said to you somewhere else, maybe I said it on the phoneI am not sure... But I will say it again.

Greg chose you & you he... It was meant to be that you share part of your lives together, that you travel & journey along together. Let the lessons he taught you in your time together come to you & know you taught him equally! Somewhere he chose you as you have the strength to continue in his absence. And you will. But you won't do it all alone - yes, at the end of the day when the lights go off you are alone. But know not truly as when our lights go out we are with you in our thoughts, our Energy. Just let yourself feel that. His Energy is with you, he is holding you.

He chose you beause you are beautiful, courageous and strong. He knows that. We know that & you in your belly know that too. You have what it takes to go through this.

I can see you are online - as soon as I can get a quiet space I will phone you. You are in my thoughts and my Buddha has burned brightly for Greg who I feel I knew. Bathe in the love you have for each other and remember that love is eternal - it goes on and on.

:hug: :comfort:

Oh Michelle :hug: of course you cannot sleep, I was able to indulge in sleeping tablets for a good while which gave me a few hours respite from the overwhelming grief, but you can't even do that :cry: cos of Omar - don't know if you are able to relax/meditate/take herbals, anything that might help - I'm so sorry, your pregnancy was hard enough, especially this week, and with 2 other babes - now this, it's not bloody fair, massive huge hugs xoxoxoxo

Michelle, I am speechless.
I wish I could take away the pain, but I know that is impossible.
We are all with you, maybe not in person, but in spirit.

Much love to you and your precious family.

Debbie

:hug: Michelle. Not much sleep was had here last night either. You and your children are constantly in my thoughts. I wish I was close enough to give you a :hug: in person. That time will come lovely lady. Please remember you are loved by so many and we will be there to support you however you need.

Sounds like we were all up last night with you Michelle. I couldn't stop thinking about you and I knew you'd be awake and full of grief. The only thing I can do is pray for you and your babies. I am so so sorry.

I've been offline for a long while but I couldn't read about your husband Michelle and not post. My deepest sympathy to you and your family, I'm very sorry about Greg.

Hi Sequoia. Ive been thinking about you hun. hugs

Hi LADIES

I'm here in Beijing and have just read the news. Freya & Willow, her kids like lasagne & pasta, so perhaps some spaghetti bolgenese that can be frozen & defrosted.

I don't know what to say, & the distance is making it even worse for me to comprehend what has happened.

Greg was HILARIOUS! No doubt about it & the love & joy he bought to that family was incredible. I can't believe this is happening, or happened.

Michelle, I love you so much & you are such a beautiful friend to me. I wish you all the strength, courage and love you are going to need now & in the coming days, weeks, months & years.

LEE _ Help us know what to do for Michelle. Please, anything!

I'm thinking of you all.

Jayne xx

Michelle, I know that whatever I say will sound trite, and everyone else has spoken so eloquently, but I want you to know that you and and your family are constantly in my thoughts. There wasn't much sleep around my place either last night, I can't stop thinking about what has happened and how you don't deserve to go through more loss. Both my DH and I are thinking of you, as we are both so shocked and saddened by what has happened.

I wish I was closer and could actually DO something, rather than just write. But I hope my words help even just a little, although I know nothing will take away the pain.

I also can't believe that it has happened this week, which will be hard enough on you as it is. I am holding your hand from afar sweetie, and you are always in my thoughts xx

Jayne - I'm sorry, I have gone to send you a txt about 100 times since yesterday but I didn't know if it was my place to tell you, whether you already knew, didn't even know if you could even get calls or txts on your phone :hug:

I'm so impressed by all the support in here.. I've said it a million times but just have to say again how wonderful you all are.. such amazing and beautiful people and I feel so blessed to *know* you all.

Michelle - like everyone else, I didn't sleep very well last night either and can't stop thinking about you and your family. It's heartbreaking and like everyone else, it's tearing me apart. It's just not fair. I can't even begin to imagine. I lost my Dad when I was 17 and although it's not at all the same, I too remember the feeling when everything and everyone went back to normal.. how dare they.. things were not normal and it's a really difficult time... more so when it's your husband I would think. I just wish there was more I could say or do. I'm so sorry hun.

I don't know what else to say, like everyone else, it's really affected me and I'm a little numb.

Kel xxx

Hi Jayne all the way over there, you must feel one million miles away, glad you can post though. I can tell you how I felt from my own experience, and after connecting with other ladies in my situation, I think it's a familiar and sad theme.....

When Chris (my DH died I was completely inundated with family and friends for his funeral - we lived in Darwin, so fairly remote - after his funeral (one week after he died) we had a wake at our home. The house was FULL of his best friends, and family, who had travelled from all over the country to be there. I was so sad, as he would have been gobsmacked at the turnout - it just seemed so sad that he was not there when finally everyone else was - another irony - enjoy your loved ones while they are here.

That first week I couldn't eat - I could drink a cup of tea, I tried to have a few bites of toast, but barely managed - I lost 8kgs in one week. The second night after I lost Chris I was lying in bed on my side, not sleeping of course. It was pitch black in the bedroom - and I DISTINCTLY felt a firm pressure on my shoulder - first it scared me, quicly turning on the light to see if the dog had done it, she was alseep in the corner as always. It was so noticeable/obvious - there could be only one explanation. After that, many other things happened - but more of that another time. It was and remains a comfort to me what happened that 2nd night. Our little boy (2 at the time, also saw his Daddy - he would point across the room and say "there's Daddy" and "hello Daddy" and smile. I could honestly write a book about the things Chris did to get our attention.

Anyway - I'm diverting from what I wanted to say. The first weeks you are in a state of shock - some people expect you to be "over it" after the funeral, but the majority of people give you one year, and then you should be "over it". Because I lived so far from my family it was extra difficult for me. I had very little support - left alone with a 2 and 4 year old. Night time was the WORST - after 2 months I took up smoking (had not smoked for many years) and opened a bottle wine most night after the kids went to bed and I talked on the phone to my closest of friends every night. This went on for a couple of months. Our DD aged 4 slept with me every night. I didn't change the sheets on the bed for months, and slept where he had slept, just to smell him, I left his towel hanging, his toothbrush next to mine, his smelly shoes parked where he left them.... it was blo.dy tough. After 6 months I moved to NSW and closer to my family.

I found support where I would never have expected to, and been bitterly disappointed at the lack of it where I expected it. The hardest part was always the children and the lack of a male in their lives. You have to find this male influence in other places - scouts, uncles etc.... I have 4 brothers, and Chris had 2 sisters - all of which were such a disappointment to me - although a lot of promises were made about helping me, any real support on the ground, or spending time with the children, was pretty thin on the ground.

So - how can you/we help MIchelle - it's when the dust settles and the great majority of people have resumed normal lives again - thats when Michelle is going to need the most support. It took me a full 12 months to hit rock bottom, I got VERY sick, I couldn't get out of bed for a week - it took me to get to that point before a family member stepped in and helped me out a bit. After then, I slowly slowly slowly started to crawl my way out of the pit.

Michelle is going to need as much support, and real help, with the children. I hope she has someone who can help her at night too. There may not be too much you can do right now - other than definately drop meals around, don't wait to be asked, just do it. Offer to mind the children, even for an hour, drive her to a massage and then mind the children, find a useful bloke to mow her lawns regularly (not just once), wash her car, clean up outside (or inside) - ANY practical help at all - as all this kind of stuff still needs doing, but it's SO hard to function after such a tremendous loss, not fogetting that Michelle is getting to the business end of Omar's pregnancy - she shouldn't be over-doing it anyway.

Just keep yourselves available to listen to her; especially when most people have disappeared and all the offer's of "call if you need anything" have dried up. The things I appreciated the most were the things I did not ask for (and I barely asked for anything, just not me, didn't know how) - someone ordered Chinese food one night and had it delivered, still to this day don't know who did that, but I damm well appreciated it. One of my best friends would drop by about 5pm - at that horrible rush hour time with young children - once a week - she would pour me a glass of wine, tell me to sit on the deck, and she bathed the kids, read them stories - what an angel.

I will write more later - Flynn crying - hope this helps.

Lee xoxoxoxoxo

Hi again,

we have just come back to the apartment for some lunch. Have been out at the markets, but I haven't bought anything for myself, I just can't think straight to argue about the money. Alan bought me some underwear - can't even remember what it looks like.

WILLOW _ Honestly hun, you could have texted me, I'm just glad that I have the internet access to be able to have come on & checked on you all. I would have been gutted to come home after 2 weeks & not have known. Yes, you can text me here, it's bout 55c per text though, but I'm reachable.

LEE - You're truly inspirational, I think so highly of you. If it's ok by you, I think we are all going to need stacks of advice from you in the future. So sorry bout the PND but so glad you have got it diagnosed already.

I'm so sorry, I can't think of many personals right now. My kids are going brilliantly in Beijing, the ladies LOVE my kids, which is really nice, but Claudia does a whole scream & run thingy when they coming running at them with open arms because they pick her up & carry her & she HATES it. They tell me Jessica has long long legs, not good for chasing boys they tell me! We went to a really fancy schmancy Beijing banquet last night, organised with the men from Alan's office. They chose a restaurant with entertainment for the kids, which was really thoughtful. We had to eat with chopsticks which was really interesting, I think Claudia was Chinese in a past life as she had those things mastered in seconds. The food on the menu was scary, they literally eat every single part of the animal, but they ordered normal meats for us - thank goodness!

Well now I'm rambling, because I don't know what else to say about what is happening, so I just rambled like a lunatic about China.

I'll check back later tonight.

Love Jayne x

PS _ how do I disable my signature to write on Michelle's condolensce thread.

Lee: thank you so much for sharing you experience, I know it must be hard for you to re live the pain. I'm sorry you were failed by some. I think you are a phenomimal woman

Jayne: to disable to sig scroll down to additional options and un tick the show my signature box.

Michelle: :comfort:

Jayne - I know hun, I know. I wouldn't have let you come home to find out the news if I could have possibly prevented it babe because I know how I would have felt in your shoes and I know how much you care for Michelle :hug: I figured I had today to sort it out and talk to the girls about it because I didn't expect you to be on BB while you were away. Get with the times hey Willow? It's the WORLD WIDE web :rolleyes:

To turn off your sig - just post as usual and you will find a little button under the quick reply screen on the RHS that says "show your signature". It will have a green tick in it, just click on it to turn it off.

Or if you do a full reply rather than a QR, click the 'go advanced' button and right down the bottom the same "show your signature" button is there, just turn that one off.

WILLOW _ Oh darl, honestly, you text me whenever, wherever! I'm always here. I have texted Michelle a few times today, I know I shouldn't be bothering her, but I just had to let her know. Even Alan is very, very subdued this afternoon. He knew how much fun I had with Michelle in Sydney & how much advice she gives me re: Claudia's bowels (which I am pleased to report are NOT clogged up since visiting China, thanks to the spices!). She holds an extra special place in my heart & I'm just glad I have the net to access, I know it's coming up so close to 25w3d & that's the entire reason I got Alan's laptop out today, to check her ticker!

SPRING _ So I leave the country & you drop 2.3kg in a week! I'm loving you. If it weren't for the amount of food I'm consuming, I'd lose tonnes of weight from the walking, I reckon we do near on 8km per day, most of that I"m carrying Claudia, but the food is so tasty!!! & there is so much variety. I have just gone & bought some fresh fruit to snack on - in the hope I will lower my portion sizes.

xxx

Oh ladies, I am here, I just have no words. I just want to sit here and cry and cry and cry for Michelle and Greg, the kids, their future..... I need to call her but dont know how..

Lee - thanks so much for opening up your wounds to let us in and try to understand how Michelle may be feeling and what she might need from us right now.

Hugs to you all

lisa xx

Jayne - I am so glad you posted. Hugs hun.

I am here too. Hugs to all

Lisa - How is Natalya?

We had Eva's Christening yesterday. She has such a beautiful ceremony and nice lunch.

Dont worry Lisa I havent called either because I wouldnt even know what to say. That and I think she would have tons of people calling her and I dont want to push it iykwim. Im sure she knows we are thinking of her even without a phone call.

Thank you Lee for sharing your experience :hug:

Ditto... Lee you're incredible, thank you.

I posted a very long reply last night at about midnight and it went to Pluto... I am so sorry. xxx

Michelle - I am sorry I didn't phone you yesterday, it was a massive day here & I just couldn't get a minute alone to speak to you in the way it was important for me to do so. I will call you later this afternoon or this evening. :hug:

Jayne: I spent some time in Beijing just after the Tianemen uprsing. I love China, I travelled through the countryside & fell in love with a Chinese man climbing a remote area of the great wall... *sigh* It was a lovely time of my life... All good memories. There'll be no falling in love with a China man for you - but have fun with those new undies! :hug:

Lee: I felt honoured to read part of your story.. thankyou for sharing it with us all. :hug: It is no mistake that we find ourselves together, & you sadly having walked where Michelle is going is even more special that you will no doubt be a source of great support and comfort to her. I will phone you soon. xxx

Everyone else :grouphug: I want to remind you all that we all have permission to smile & laugh even when there is so much sadness. It is beautiful to be empathic, but remember that to truly be available to Michelle or any other person who is in pain we have to have balance. It seems unfair that we can think about every day things & right now all of that is stabbingly painful for Michelle. However, our lives living alongside her is what will help her. Greg looking down comforted by Michelles support, with his sense of wit and humour doesn't want us all to fall apart - because we need to be together to help her, us, our babies - this is the wheel of life. In painful illustration - but the wheel none the less. :cry:

"I don't know what to say"... It is the hardest thing when you perhaps haven't dealt with loss & death in another to know what to say. That's okay. It's understandable. There is no magic to what to say. Sometimes the best thing is: "I don't know what to say" - but I wanted to call & hear your voice. When I lost my babies the most heart sinking thing to hear was: "I was going to call but I didn't know what to say"... Sometimes all you want is a voice on the end of the phone. Of course sometimes you don't want that at all..& then the grieving person won't answer the phone.

It's okay to cry with Michelle or any one else that has lost. Tears show you care, they show you feel. That's what warms our hearts. :hug:

You are all such beautful special women :grouphug: Remember that we have been brought together not by accident - it's not an accident. For somereason our path is to share some (or maybe the rest!) of our lives in connection with each other. Our angel babies, husbands, lovers, mothers, someone or something thought we'd do good to hang together! So, now we test our "hangability"! We work through this, we fumble through & we cry sad tears this time - there have been plenty of happy triumphant tears in this thread. Tomorrow is Omar's u/s & this is a time of Michelles pregnancy that brings much emotion due to Caitlyns death. But tomorrow, we will all light a candle (OK!), we will all say a prayer, or mantra, or affirmation (whatever strings your bow) & we will hold Michelle & Omar in our Energy as she sees how beautifully healthy this little boy is. Greg will be there & so will Caitlyn.

I want to share something to remind us all of just how important it is to remind ourselves (not Michelle right now but us who are supporting her) of how changeable life is...Excuse my words as they change each time I recount a story I heard long ago:

A very devout monk lived in a village & was well respected as wise and honourable - people brought him food, blankets & he spent his life helping others & meditating. "This too shall Pass" he was heard to say...
A young girl came to him distraught and pregnant her family had disowned her. He took her in and fed her, nurtured her & kept her warm. As her belly grew the townsfolk ridiculed him & accused him of fathering the child... This too shall pass" was all he said. In time the baby was born & he helped the young woman with her child. The girls family came one day saddened & remorseful at their treatment of her. The family was very wealthy & in thanks to the monk they showered the village with gold. Once more the monk was in favour, honoured and respected...
"This too shall pass" was all he was heard to mutter.

This too shall pass darlings, it will leave indelible footprints on Michelles heart & to a lesser degree our hearts, but it will pass leaving behind beautiful lessons & gifts that we can only imagine right now... :hug:

Awww Deb, thats so beautiful, what you write....... and I love your story of the Monk - there is much to analyse and many layers in that - but in the end it comes down to keeping true to yourself, being kind, not being bitter, and reaching out to help others, even when you are the only one who knows what is right - lets hope some of the villagers "got it" in the end too. You really are an incredible strength Deb, we are very lucky to have you here :hug: Lee xoxoxoxo

Deb - You are beautiful and we are so lucky to have you in our lives. :hug:

I called Michelle yesterday and I didn't say anything particularly useful, I cried, I felt awkward and didn't know what to say but I feel good that I called. Because like Deb said, when we lost our baby, people didn't call and that hurt. I remember my brother visiting and not mentioning a single word about our baby. As if she had never existed. That was very painful for me. I remember my mum saying to me 'He just didn't know what to say to you'. And me saying to her 'I understand that Mum. But the thing he shouldn't have said was nothing'. That has stuck with me and so I called.

Kristy & Bun - I hope you both travel safely today and that the kids travel well, especially you Bun with such a long trip with the kiddies.

You girls are so amazing, and blessed are we for having found each other. I will call Michelle, just need to curb my tears a little - dont want her to have to comfort me KWIM? This has really hit me for a six.

Deb - you are amazing, will be lighting some extra candles for Michelle, Greg and Omar tomorrow.

Bek - Eva looked beautiful at her christening, Im glad it went really well and you are looking great too.

Jayne - we are going ok, Natalya is a good bubby and her sleep has improved so we are happy. She had her first weigh in yesterday and has puton 200gm in a week so Im pretty pleased about that.

Hope all the babies are giving extra special hugs to their mummies,
Lisa xx

Hi lovelies. I don't even know what to say in here. TBH, I am so devastated for Michelle, as everyone is. I want to be there for her in whatever way will help, and that I am capable of. But I can't write about it, selfish as that sounds. I have so much going on here with my little man that I need to be with it for. He needs to be fed and cared for, and I need not to fall apart to do that. I am holding it together by a thread right now, I know Michelle wouldn't want me to jeopardise that. So I'll continue to contact her directly, and will definitely still be around in here, but I won't write about Michelle too much. I hope that doesn't sound terrible, it probably does, but it's all I'm capable of right now.

Love to all xoxo

Janie/Lisa - I was thinking of you both this morning knowing how hard this must be for you guys with new babies at home. Janie, you are totally right. You have a lot on your plate right now, it doesn't sound terrible at all.

Just know we are here for you too.

Janie/Lisa - We know you guys have a very important job with you newbies.

I actually won't be around much from now on, DH has voiced his opinion about me spending too much time on BB and FB. He has given me some slack for the next few days but he has asked that I refrain for a bit, and I agree.

Deb - Beautiful words. I wish I was as wise as you:)

How is everyone going anyway??? Kelly are you traveling ok

Michelle - All the best for your scan sweety

Bek - I understand what you mean.. DH has also expressed some concerns about the amount of time I spend in here and on FB. Particularly at the moment, when I need to rest and try and keep this little bub growing inside. I get really distracted from all the loss and sadness in here sometimes and it gets me down... really, really down. And right now, I need to focus on trying to grow this little bub. I seem to be in tears quite a lot atm and it's affecting DS too.. he's been incredibly naughty and I can't seem to control him... so much tension inside me doesn't help, so I too need to focus a little on him and me. Sounds so selfish when I write it down and I'm in tears doing so.. hope you all know what I mean.

Janie - I could do with some company atm too.. DH is away again and I don't think I'm coping very well with my upcoming scan next week.. right now is the time of all my losses.. so i'm petrified. Might give you a call and see how you're going.. would love a visit but know you've got so much on your plate and I don't want to burdon you any more.

Lisa - So glad to hear all is going well. We need to organise another catch up.. I'd love to meet Natalya.

Deb - You are incredible and have an amazing way with words. Such an inspiration.

Willow - Hugs.. it's such a difficult time.

Michelle - You're constantly in my thoughts.

Big hugs to everyone else. It seems so wrong to talk about my own issues and concerns right now so I'll just say that I'm finding it all very difficult. This is the week that I've lost all my bubs and it's killing me. My scan is next Tuesday and I don't know how I'll get there. I've had a bit of m/s that keeps going away and freaking me out even more. Have had my MIL here but just dropped her at the airport and feel very alone again. I'm missing home way too much. I wish I was coping with everything a bit better and I really wish I could hold it together for DS and DH. I'm trying.

Kel xxx

Bek - As you know, this has been an issue for us too. I have opened my FB account back up just so I could talk to you guys this week but once things settle down again, it's gone. I also have 'computer free' days where I just don't turn it on. I've been on here too much today (as you'd know! ;)) so tomorrow will be one of those days! I have tried many times to give up BB and I can't because of you girls. But I agree that it is easy to spend too much time here. I try my best to stick to this thread and that helps. I have your email addy so you can't get rid of me that easily!

Kelly - :hug: Please don't feel like you can't talk about what's going on with you. That's not what any of us want. I can only imagine what you're feeling at the moment. I hope you and Janie can catch up and give each other a big hug!