[VENT] How does your DH roll?

[forshelby]

I don't know if this is the right spot for this post..... but first the standard disclaimer:

****This is pretty much a vent, with some specific questions included. I would like to hear about your personal experiences, be they good or bad. Please no judgement, no advice, no derailling. Just tell me how it is for you.****

How 'hands on' is your DH/DP/DF as a father? Does he relieve you from duty as soon as he gets home from work, or does he fart a** around for hours first?

When he comes home in a bad mood, or after a hard day and you've also had a hard day at home - Does he a) still carry out all usual daddy duties as normal. b) have a bit of a hissy fit but then carry on with daddy duty as normal. c) Not even notice or ask how your day was, completely ignore the fact that there is a baby in the house, except to complain and swear about the amount of crying said baby is doing while simultaneously ignoring the stressed out look on your face and crazed look in your eye?

When you feel like you just can't go on another second patting, rocking and soothing in the middle of the night.............. do you feel like you can ask for help and actually get it? Does he even wake up when you speak to him?

Does he take initiative to do the obvious things? Like give the baby some food, milk, a bath, or do you have to ask him to do it. Every day.??

Does he ever make you feel guilty for taking a break, eg complaining about never getting a sleep in because he works 6 days, but then never acknowledging that you have broken sleep every single night. For infinity. !@#$%^&*

How does he respond to the child crying when he's having a 'power nap'? Does he hear the crying at all? Does he just roll over and ignore it even though you've been struggling for hours? Does he even realise what's happening around him?


Ok so it's pretty obvious where I'm going with this one. DP's behaviour in the parenting/supporting me department is on the downslide. Bigtime. He gets up really early for work, but then instead of having a quick nap when he gets home at lunchtime, he plays the xbox, or watches cricket or whatever..... then crashes right when I need him most. DS is at his worst in the late afternoon/early evening. And he just keeps screwing me by dropping his responsibilities!

This is the second time in 3 days he's done this. Just crashed out and left everything to me. Every time he does this he says "oh, sorry I didn't mean to fall asleep" Yeah. No problem. The worst part, is that DS now relies on Daddy to put him to sleep, and when I am all there is... he goes berserk. It's so spirit-crushing.

I think I'm most upset that he says one thing, and does another. He acts like he feels bad that I had to do it all, but the next time he's tired, or pi**ed off or some other negative emotion, that's it. He checks out, and I feel like a single parent. I sure wish I could just eff off and not have to think about anyone elses needs when I'm having a bad day. But instead, when I'm having a bad day, I get more crap thrown at me just to make it worse.

Am I the only one who feels like this? The reason I'm asking these questions is because having been raised by only my mother, I have no idea what a Dad/Mum/Baby family should look like from the inside. I'm about 99% sure it isn't this, though!

[nothing2lose]

I wouldn't put up with it, personally. I can see why you would be very frustrated.

My DP does as much parenting as me - often more. DD is not his biological child and he works over 12 hours a day in a very stressful role but he has never, in almost eight years, shirked what he sees are his responsibilities as a parent.

He's there, with his sleeves rolled up. Every. Single. Day. And he has never complained about it. Not once.

Honestly, it's one of the reasons why I love him so much. My DD is very lucky to have him. So am I.

[Emma09]

First of all
I'm on my phone- so I'll keep it brief...
I'm very direct with my DH- I'll say 'DH, could you give DD a bath?'
'DH, I know you're tired- but would you mind playing with DD for half an hour'
My DH is very good, but without the directions, I would probably be in the same situation


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[~~Snoogans~~]

Must admit, although at times Hubby drives me insane, he has always been hands on with the girls!

Our routine is - He leaves work at 6.30am and gets home around 5.45pm - Gets home, gives hugs to the Miss H . Then tells her to tell him all about her day while he gets changed out of his suit. And let me tell ya, SHE CAN TALK!

He then plays with her and holds bubs while I get dinner on etc

Then its always been Hubby who will bath Miss H, then its *quiet time* playing a few games on his laptop with her, or watch something with her on the lappy. Then he takes her to bed. He LOVES that part as he gets to read to her and have her ask him 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 questions!

Then when she is asleep, he will come out and try and relax a bit before bed! and he loves to give Miss Z her last feed around 9.30pm (but, I don't hold him to this as he has to get up early for work, but if she is awake he LOVES to do it)

On weekends, he will often encourage me to go shopping or something. ( I don't take him up on that to often though lol, I miss my girls too much!)

He really is an awesome daddy! just typing this reminds me why I love him so much hehe

[onthefly]

I think you need to tell him this really clearly - no criticism, no name-calling (however you may be tempted), just tell him how his behaviour makes you feel and what you would prefer.

[LuluHB]

Like N2L, I wouldn't put up with it either.

My DH works from home so is always around to help out with the girls. I've had pretty severe morning sickness for my entire pregnancy so DH will often send me to bed during the day and supervise the kids while working. As soon as he finishes in the afternoon he starts interacting with them - takes them for a swim, play games etc. As soon as dinner is finished he either takes them in the shower with him or gives them a bath. We both put them to bed. When our new baby is here he will get up for her during the night to settle her, do nappy changes etc. He would never, ever tell me that he was too tired to deal with her, had to get some sleep because he had work the next day etc.

In the mornings he will do as much as me, just different things and depending on how each of us is going for time. He gets their breakfast while I'm making lunches for school. He makes sure they're dressed, but I do their hair always (self preservation!).

I am frequently told by DH that I don't do enough for myself, should have time out with girlfriends, by myself or whatever. Neither of us think parenting is the responsibility of the mother purely because she's the woman/mother - we're both their parents so its our job equally. He works all day, but damn so do I - we just have different offices! I don't ask him to do anything with them because he knows what has to be done. He does show an incredible level of support and commitment but I don't think I'm lucky - I just think I'm married to a mature man who loves me and loves his children and takes his job as a parent and husband very seriously.

[veus]

I think you need to tell him this really clearly - no criticism, no name-calling (however you may be tempted), just tell him how his behaviour makes you feel and what you would prefer.

I agree. Esp this line "I feel like a single parent."


Sent from my smart phone using Tapatalk.(Occasional fat fingers syndrome might occur)

[fionas]

DP works shifts so often isn't here when the girls wake up (either because he's already started work or because he worked till 2am and is asleep) and often isn't here for dinner either. On the weeks he's not here for the morning OR the evening routine, I really feel under the pump.

So we struggle to find a routine because DP is around at different times of the day. I've had to spell it out how hard this is. If he's getting home at a 'normal' time he now usually takes the girls into the garden to water the plants while I'm cooking dinner. He seems to not want to bath them unless I say specifically, "can you bath them while I tidy the kitchen/load the dishwasher". Rather than doing something on his own, I think he's only willing to do it if I'm actually doing something too. I'd like to be able to 'slack off' in the evenings. Just sometimes. We put the girls to bed together when DP is here, otherwise I do it on my own if he's working.

One issue that has been very difficult is his unwillingness to take the girls out of the house. I remember him saying after we had DD1 that he would need a week's notice to take DD out for an hour. He's better these days but only because he knows it will cause an almighty argument. I've told him over and over again that it's far easier to do housework if DP and the girls are out of the house. I can get stuff done in a couple of hours that it would take me all week to do with them here and that's so frustrating. I've had to really spell this out. It also took me three years to get him to look after DD1 while I was having a shower and getting dressed. He would come up with all sorts of crap, like why did you have children if you don't like having them around. Just nonsense with the benefit of hindsight.

As far as naps go, he's always been a complete pain. I'm very considerate of the fact that he's a shiftworker and the girls and I have padded around the house for years. I think I've had maybe five naps in five years and most of them have been interrupted because he's let DD1 come in and disturb me. Too hard to keep an eye on her. One time after I was literally dead on my feet from exhaustion, she woke me up ... I went into the living room to find him asleep. I have had to be really aggressive about this now and tell him that if he can't give me the occasional nap then he will get woken up at 7am every morning regardless of whether he's been on a late shift or not. I hate having to get tough but that's the only way he gets it unfortunately.

[Arimeh]

My DH was like this when we had our first child. And from his perspective, it was really hard to know what to do you know? Not that I'm defending anyone, but just from his point of view - he went to work every day like he had for the last couple of years, and then came home to a baby - his FIRST baby and he had never had anything to do with ANY babies before this - and you know, he just didn't know what to do unless told. He wasn't there during the day, so he didn't know the routine. He wasn't there during the day, so he couldn't "read" any sign that DS was ready for a nap. He didn't have any motherly instincts so he just didn't think you know?

I think once we had a talk about what to do - he then started thinking differently about being a dad. He had to learn how to be a dad, because it didn't come naturally to him.

So now, he is a pretty good dad. I still have to tell him things (especially to do with the baby because he's not sure if she's tired or hungry or whatever - he asks me first) but he will do them. I remember after having DS for about 8 months, I was sick of having my life interrupted all the time because of nappy changes, feeding - I remember going through a stage of real resentment and longing for my old (pre-kids) life.

Obviously I got over that because I've now had 4!! haha!!

But now, DH helps take care of the kids. He changes nappy when needed. I only ask if he can change it if I'm doing something else, but he will often come up and grab baby or toddler and say that he will change it - without prompting. He also either bathes the kids or cleans the kitchen of a night time. And puts the 3 bigger kids to bed. And gets DD3 when she wakes up of a night time and brings her in to our bed.

He had to learn how to do these things though, they didn't come naturally to him, just as being a mum didn't come naturally to me. Just have a chat with him, he might be like my DH and just not know what to do

[Rouge]

I give DH time when he comes home. Purely because my DH works hard. He starts early so he can be home quicker. When the babies were small he would help out when he came straight home. We both work and sometimes he'll get home before me, pick up the kids go to the shop and start cooking before I even walk in the door. We both share parenting because they are both our children. He doesn't really bring his work home and so because of that neither do I. My job has been a lot harder physically than his but his is more mentally draining so he still needs that wind down time. He is pretty hands on and we have over the years taken turns in the engagement. I was on kinder ad school committees for about 5 years so when I started working and could no longer do it he became a cub scout leader so he could then continue with the engagement within our children's lives that I had.

We are very strict about making time for each other and I think this helps us both. He often says if he didn't help out I would be spending less time with him, let alone him missing out on his children.

I think you have been given some good advice, but I think regardless of what we all do it's whether or not you are happy that matters. I have friends whose homelife is very different to mine but they are extremely happy. I would t be and they wouldn't be with ours. It's ultimately what works for you. Good luck.

[Heaven]

When DH is home, he does as much as me, or often more so I can have a break.

I rarely ask him to do things. He's involved and he knows what needs to be done.

He is even the one that gets up to DD2 at night. When she wakes he gets up and puts her in bed with us so I can feed her. Then whenever she wakes I BF her back to sleep but if she doesn't go to sleep he gets up and puts her back to sleep.

He would never ever complain if I had time to myself. Actually, he's always suggesting I do things, lol. The other day he took the girls grocery shopping and came back with flowers for me and a massage voucher and had told DD1 to say 'Mummy we appreciate everything you do for us so we got you a present to say thankyou', it was so sweet.

I don't consider myself 'lucky'. I think this is what a father should do. This is what he wants to do, he would be so disappointed with himself if he thought he wasn't doing his best. And I would not settle for any less.

[Beautiful Disaster]

I'm on phone so will come back a) when I'm at pc and b) when I have had time to think of how I want to word my reply

[Jakabella]

My DH Rocks.
He works 8+ hrs a day and then also works most weekends for a few hours in our own photography business, so that I only have to work 2 days a week.
When he gets home he takes over the kids so I can get tea done if it not already started or so I can do some other things. He then baths one if not both kids and gives them tea. He then goes down and does some computer work for an hour or so and un winds. Then he feeds DD to sleep and puts him to bed. He will then sit and snuggle with DD while I go for my nightly walk.
He gets up EVERY night and feeds DD his night feed - he enjoys snuggling with him one on one and then puts him back to bed.
Last night DD woke up and he went and settled her again as well.
My DH loves spending time with the kids and then when the kids are asleep we spend an hr watching TV together.
I thank him alot and usually his reponse is "they are my kids to and I enjoy helping and spending time with them" He just gets it.

I hope you DH gets it a bit more at some stage and can help you out xo

[Miss.September]

DH will do what I ask, but other than doing dinner sometimes or the dishes, he doesn't take the initiative. When he gets home from work, he plays with DD and I usually get a sleep-in on Sunday morning. But I know that if a nappy needs changing or the dogs need walking or housework needs doing it's up to me.

It used to bug me. Occasionally it still does, but rarely. I take pride in the fact that my house and garden are always neat and tidy because I do it. I find it easier to go through my routine with DD than have it all flipped around by DH. We used to fight a lot about it, but I let it go, for us there was more important things in life and we're all happier for it. I have no expectations so if he does something to help of his own accord, it's great. Don't get me wrong, I don't resent him for it and I don't do everything for him. But I make sure DD and the house are sorted and if he wants to ***** about how things are done, then he is welcome to pitch in and then he can change the routine (we had a fight about that once). I know if the shot hits the fan, he'll do what he can to help but for day to day, unless I give him direction, it's up to me and I'm fine with that.

Saying all of that, he adores DD and she him. But he'd rather play games and draw with her than doing the mundane stuff.

[RhiChiChi]

How 'hands on' is your DH/DP/DF as a father? Does he relieve you from duty as soon as he gets home from work, or does he fart a** around for hours first?

He is really hands on and has been since DD was born. At one point he was a SAHD, so really got to see how some days are truly difficult and appreciated that I needed a break when he got home. He actually sticks to a very good routine with DD.

When he comes home in a bad mood, or after a hard day and you've also had a hard day at home - Does he a) still carry out all usual daddy duties as normal. b) have a bit of a hissy fit but then carry on with daddy duty as normal. c) Not even notice or ask how your day was, completely ignore the fact that there is a baby in the house, except to complain and swear about the amount of crying said baby is doing while simultaneously ignoring the stressed out look on your face and crazed look in your eye?

I'd probably say a bit of a & b. He usually has a vent then carries on with Daddy and home duties as per normal.

When you feel like you just can't go on another second patting, rocking and soothing in the middle of the night.............. do you feel like you can ask for help and actually get it? Does he even wake up when you speak to him?

I used to try to do it all myself but I suffered from sleep deprivation and anxiety issues, so I had to ask for help. DH used to do the rollover feed and on weekends (DD was ff) to give me a break - that was his suggestion. DH was really good with settling DD, even though we tend to co-sleep now.


Does he take initiative to do the obvious things? Like give the baby some food, milk, a bath, or do you have to ask him to do it. Every day.??

Food wise, he is always checking to see if DD wants food or a drink. He usually runs the bath for DD or they shower together. We stick to the same routine at night. So dinner, bath/shower, quiet time, milk, story, bed. It's been like that for well over three years now, so no excuses for him not to know!

Does he ever make you feel guilty for taking a break, eg complaining about never getting a sleep in because he works 6 days, but then never acknowledging that you have broken sleep every single night. For infinity. !@#$%^&*

Ummm.... not directly but sometimes he did the rollover and I'd just get up then he'd do the 'I'll get up'.... well too late bud I am up! Plus I work part-time so he has to share the responsibility on the days we both work. DH changed jobs, so he only does Mon - Fri now and hrs are flexible to a certain degree. Previously he worked every second weekend and public holidays, so that was tougher. But I still need sleep too - it is dangerous if I am sleep deprvied driving around a baby...


How does he respond to the child crying when he's having a 'power nap'? Does he hear the crying at all? Does he just roll over and ignore it even though you've been struggling for hours? Does he even realise what's happening around him?

^^ Probably a bit the same, but sometimes I'd just nudge him to get up.

[MrsFabuloso]

My hubby is great...now. He's very hands on. But when our first was little, he wasn't. It has taken 5yrs, and 3 children later to get him to know what needs doing, and even then, there are times he's totally selfish and very 'what about me'. Yesterday being a good example, I left the children with him for a few hours, came home at about 5.30pm and they were all still unfed, unbathed and grubby, with no dinner on the horizon and he had no plans for feeding them or something to cook. Dinner is usually at 5/5.30 so he should have at least had something cooking/being served up. He was playing stupid games on his phone. I left him to do it though. I wasn't going to do it, because he should have. He asked me what to feed them and I told him to figure it out, I do it every other day and it wasn't too much to expect him to do it one day. They all ended up with baked beans or egg on toast for dinner. Even though he knew he was in charge and they needed food, he didn't think about it.

We had alot of rocky times when DD was little, and I had alot of meltdowns and 'chats' before he really got how stressed out I was. And that I needed his help alot more than he was giving me. I suffered with PND fairly badly with her too and really needed help.

My DH works different shifts every week and can be unpredictable on when he's comeing home. If he has something he's working on, he usually has to stay until he's finished. So I just do what needs doing and if he gets home in time to help he will, even if he's worked all day, he will usually just jump straight in. If he isn't on night shifts, he will bath the kids, and dress them, and put the bigger two to bed.

If he's grumpy and had a tough day, he will usually depbrief with me and get on with what the kids need. He might be grumpy, but not usually too bad. He gets up to the bigger kids through the night often, if he's not on night shifts, or sleeping off night shifts. When the kids were tiny, he would help if I had tried everything else like feeding them and snuggling them and all they needed was a cuddle and a wander around the house, he would do that once my patience ran out.

He's much, MUCH better at taking the initiative now, though still drops the ball alot on seeing what needs doing and doing it. He often wants to watch movies or play computer games and looses it at the kids when they demand his attention. He doesn't get it when they don't understand he's trying to concerntrate and often seems like he thinks it's some sort of personal attack and that the kids have some sort of vendetta against him so that he's not allowed to watch movies or play games, lol. Though in all seriousness, it's been hard for me to explain that they are kids and don't care what he wants, they need their stuff before he gets to do his stuff.

On his days off, DH is awesome at giving me time out. He will take the kids to the park regularly, if I ask to go out for coffee or something like that he doesn't mind me leaving the kids with him. We alternate days to sleep in when we get days we can sleep in. This morning I slept until 10am!! (my first sleep in for a while! I was pretty exhausted!)

He sometimes doesn't hear the kids crying if he's sleeping. If it's his turn to get up, I have to nudge him, and then usually tell him which kids is crying, lol.



I think you really need to have a serious chat together, and then when you let him know (nicely and constructively, because being a ***** about it will get you nowhere- trust me I know!!) what you expect of him, how, what and when, MAKE him do it. Really EXPECT him to do it, remind him to do it, every day. Don't let his whining or sooking about having to be a parent to his child, or responsible for his home (eg, doing the washing up or something like that) get to you. Eventually he will get it and just do it. Transition is really tough. For everyone.

[Miss E]

Sorry, but I have to tell you that my DH is the polar opposite of yours Forshelby. But I'm guessing you expected most people to say that when you asked the questions you asked. In all honesty, if every response came back and said 'yes, my DH is like yours Forshelby' would it make it any easier for you? Would it make it any easier for you to get through those times?

Please, focus on what is right for you and your son, what you are willing to tolerate and what you aren't. That's what matters. Every relationship and family works differently to the next. What works for one, won't work for the next. Only you can decide if yours works for you. GL

[Hansie]

My DH leaves at 6:30am so he can get home for 4:30pm to be home to spend time with the boys. He has always from them being babies done the bath routine, he takes DS2 down to bed & gets up with him during the night as he can operate on less sleep than I. He fed DS2 until he became very independent his dinner to the point when we go out alone I often catch him cutting little bits off & trying to feed DS2 lol. Sometimes if I've had a bad day he will do the dinner too or I will do dinner & he entertains the boys. I believe parenting & co-habiting is a 50/50 agreement. There are times depending on life & work commitments where one will do more than the other but it balances out. I don't believe just because I am a SAHP that I have less of a job nor does he. In fact I think he has it easier to a certain degree & when talking to his colleagues who are working mums is reminded of this. I have taken on studying this year and this has changed the dynamics again. My DH drives me nuts at times he doesn't see the small stuff & walks over toys & destruction left everywhere but he's there when it matters. Supports me in everything I/we do.
My Dad was very different and I knew that I wouldn't accept anything less than what my relationship is with DH. My mum did everything. He would come home, sit down and remain there for the night except when Mum put dinner on the table. She had also worked an 8hr plus day stopped off at the supermarket on her way home. Cook dinner, clean up & then maybe get a little rest before bed.
I hope you find what you are looking for in this thread only you will know what you want for you and your son. Huge hugs hunny x