My DH is a great father. He helps me with the kids, he will happily look after them both on his own, he will cook dinner if I ask him to. He always baths the boys when he's home. He works shift work including nights, but he is able to sleep at work so he can still help even when he's been on night shift. He will do whatever I ask, but I generally have to ask. This isn't because he doesn't have any initiative, it generally occurs when he's not sure where we're up to in our day. He always gets up to DS1 while I get up to DS2 so we both have unbroken sleep. He will also let me sleep in when he know's I've had a particularly bad night. I don't know what I'd do without his help TBH.
Initially I'd say that my DH was, in general, like yours. Especially when it came to the sleep thing. I honestly feel that sometimes he would feel that since I didn't get up til 8-9am on SOME work days I have therefore had my sleep ins, and then HE deserved them on the weekends. He seemed to forget that I'd be getting up a couple of times a night, for an hour or so at a time, to feed and settle DD. When I would ask if he could take DD on Sat or Sun morning when she woke (at say 6-7ish) he would mention that he hadn't had a chance to sleep in at all and that he is sooooo tired (I understand in the sense that this is our first baby and we were used to having that sleep in on the weekend, but it still didn't help me). ONE night I convinced him to look after DD overnight as I'd expressed some milk and I wanted a full nights sleep. Well, by the time it was 5:30-6am he was really struggling so I took over......in the end I got up with her and he slept, so it wasn't really what I'd envisioned. He then had the nerve to complain that he couldn't do that once a week every weekend as he would be too tired....(errrm....what about me???). I am really hoping that this was mainly all due to having a new bubs for the first time and that next time things will be different....
I will admit that these days he is pretty good at doing stuff with DD when he gets home.
I haven't had time to read all the replies but in our home, DH parents as much as I do. He works 6-5 Mon-Sat and when he leaves his job his job as Daddy/Husband kicks in. He will usually pick up some stuff from the shops for me. When he comes home he plays with the kids, or reads to them or watches a DVD whilst I prep for dinner (peeling, chopping etc). During this time he will change nappies if needed. He then comes and helps me cook dinner whilst DD1 puts the kids in the shower or he will bath the kids whilst DD1 helps me. When I put the kids to bed and read them a book, DH is usually doing a clean up of the living areas - putting toys away, wiping things down, quick vacuum etc. THEN, we get some time together to lounge around and chat. Some days, he will be the one putting the kids to bed and I will do the clean up, or he will cook and I will bath the kids etc.
On his days off, he pretty much always lets me sleep in because his body clock is set to getting up early. If I wake before the kids, I will let him have a sleep in.
DH helps with the cleaning on weekends, which is usually our do-a-massive-clean time in preparation for the week. He will help with pretty much whatever I ask him to help with. He knows I am here looking after our children so he can have the best of both worlds - a large family & a job. Anything we can do to make each others lives easier, we will do. We are a great team and that is what makes us work as both a couple and as a family
DH is an awesome father. He's certainly not perfect though, but he does an amazing job. He works 14 hour days, comes home around 5pm then plays with DS from about 30 seconds after he walks in until dinner time. He needs reminding to do the little things like help DS tidy his toys or set the table, but will happily do them when I ask (maybe not always in my timeframe). If he's had a hard or stressful day, he will certainly let me know, but he still has to do his 'daddy duties', and does them with little complaint (DS wouldn't have it any other way!). We ALWAYS eat dinner together and he happily helps out (cutting up DS' food, cleaning the floor afterwards, cutting up fruit for dessert etc), all without being asked. He then gets DS ready for his bath while I run the bath, clean up and get the bed etc ready. Story time is something we usually do together, then DH does the teeth cleaning, then DS and I feed the fish and finally, DH puts DS to bed (again, DS wouldn't have it any other way!).
When DS was little and used to wake up in the night for a feed, DH would change his nappy and bring him to me for a feed, then take him back to bed afterwards about 90% of the time. If DS woke up upset, DH wouldn't/couldn't go back to sleep until he knew he was ok. I'd usually get up to him, but DH would happily do it too, especially on weekends. If I didn't come back to bed after about 15 minutes, he'd come in and see how we were going/offer to help.
On the weekends, DH does the majority of nappy changes and ALWAYS puts him down for his nap. DS spends 90% of the day with DH, mainly because DS is such a Daddy's boy. It does wear DH out, and I know there are times when he just wants a break, but he knows that time with DS is precious. He knows that I do all that stuff during the week so has a good understanding of what it's like for me. He's not the best with feeding - often forgets it's lunch/snack time, and if he remembers, he'll ask me what he should feed DS. But, I am usually organised with meals anyway.
We talked a lot about what kind of things DH would do as a father before DS was born. He never had a father himself and worried that he didn't know how to be a good father. I have a friend who's DH has soooo little to do with the raising of her children it's not funny, so DH has that as a 'what not to do' role model. We decided early on that DH would do the bath with DS as it was a bonding time for them, and that has worked amazingly here. A lot of the other stuff that DH does is initiated by DS because he demands that DH change his nappy/put him to bed etc etc. I've rarely heard DH complain about it though (except for when he has a migraine and DS wants him, lol!). It's quite a buzz for DH to know that he's wanted and loved by DS. DH sees it as a compliment rather than a chore. There was a stage when DH was oblivious to the fact that I was doing it tough at home and needed some support, but I realised that while I thought I was being abundantly clear, I really wasn't! Once DH knew how I felt and what I wanted (stated in words of one syllable), he was happy to help.
I agree with PP's that you need to say, clearly, concisely and without blame, what you want. Start small by asking for say, 10 minutes before dinner each night so you can prepare tea and work up to bigger things.
darling. You sound pretty over it.
My hubby is pretty good with DS but needs direction. If i dont say anything he won't think to give him lunch cos it's lunchtime or put him to bed cos it's bedtime. I am very upfront with h im when I need help etc and tend to do the "if you put DS i will make dinner" but if i didn't ask, he wouldn't do it. Our biggest issue atm is DH thinking playing with/quality time with DS is watching Tele on the couch with him!
So obviously I'm not talking about now - as I am a single mum... But when me and the Ex together for everything he was to me, I'll still stand by and say that he was/is a good dad...
How 'hands on' is your DH/DP/DF as a father? Does he relieve you from duty as soon as he gets home from work, or does he fart a** around for hours first?
He would come home and get straight into what ever needed to be done, cleaning/cooking/playing with the kids, it changed depending on what our family needs were...
When he comes home in a bad mood, or after a hard day and you've also had a hard day at home - Does he a) still carry out all usual daddy duties as normal. b) have a bit of a hissy fit but then carry on with daddy duty as normal. c) Not even notice or ask how your day was, completely ignore the fact that there is a baby in the house, except to complain and swear about the amount of crying said baby is doing while simultaneously ignoring the stressed out look on your face and crazed look in your eye?
He would have a little vent - sit outside with a cuppa coffee (we tend to do this when he came home anyway) and have a chat then got straight back into it... Even when we were at our worst in our relationship and were'nt talking, he would still get in and do what needed to be done around the house and with the kids (Just wouldn't talk to me whilst doing it)
When you feel like you just can't go on another second patting, rocking and soothing in the middle of the night.............. do you feel like you can ask for help and actually get it? Does he even wake up when you speak to him?
Yes, He got up a few times, most of the time I would send him back to bed because there was no reason we should both be tired (or if he had to work the next day). but there were a few times that he took over
Does he take initiative to do the obvious things? Like give the baby some food, milk, a bath, or do you have to ask him to do it. Every day.??
Now he would take initiative... When they were babies tho he didn't, not because he couldn't, more that he was unsure of what they needed and when, because there needs changed from day to day, some days I'd bath baby in the morning and some times at night - as they got older and more routined he didn't need any prompts.
Does he ever make you feel guilty for taking a break, eg complaining about never getting a sleep in because he works 6 days, but then never acknowledging that you have broken sleep every single night. For infinity. !@#$%^&*
No, not when it came to having a sleep in or letting me rest he didn't... (if we're talking about me going out with friends - that's a whole other story....)
How does he respond to the child crying when he's having a 'power nap'? Does he hear the crying at all? Does he just roll over and ignore it even though you've been struggling for hours? Does he even realise what's happening around him?
My husband is a very hands on dad, but some days he will come home in a foul mood and honestly I will just keep the kids out of his way so he can do what he needs to (usually tidying the garage or something like that). There are also days when I come home in a foul mood and he will do the same for me. I think if he came home every day in a foul mood I would be concerned, and I would have something to say about it if he spent all his time on the wii and left me to tend to the children but he is much more hands on with them that I am tbh. For parenting we slipped into a routine very early on where I would do the feeding/cooking and he would bath the kids/do the garden. We both help out with cleaning. Even when I was a stay at home mum. However I would never wake him in the night to help me tend to the kids, because he had to work the next day and I could nap when the kids did if I had to.
I think you need to have a calm conversation with your OH and let him know your expectations of him, and find out his of yours. He may not have picked up on your cues that you want him to take over parenting when he comes home so you can have a break. He may think that is unreasonable but be happy to come to some other agreement with you for fairer sharing of parenting duties. Either way the only way to know is to talk to him. Good luck
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darling. You sound pretty over it.
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