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Thread: 7 year old answering back. Discipline help, please!!!

  1. #1

    Default 7 year old answering back. Discipline help, please!!!

    Not sure if I have put this in the right place??

    My DD is 7 and has ATTITUDE!! She answers back ALL the time and has to have the last word. She is very difficult to discipline and talks over DH and I if we try to gently explain to her what she is doing wrong. If she is sent to her room for 'time out' she has to be physically picked up and taken there (kicking and screaming) and will sit in her doorway SCREECHING. We tell her that we will not speak to her until she stops screaming but she can go for HOURS. I'm sure the neighbours must think she is being skinned alive!

    At times I find myself being the awful, yelling mother I don't want to be because I am so frustrated. DH and I allow things to escalate because she just doesn't listen when we try to explain to her why she is in trouble. She will literally cover her ears and yell 'la la la I'm not listening!!!'. I need some ideas. How do you discipline your 7 year old? How do I stop the answering back?



    I got my first 'I hate you, I wish you were dead!!' today.

  2. #2

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    you poor thing....gosh im not sure about 7 year olds....maybe ignore her? take thigns away? not let her do certian things

  3. #3

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    Oh dear...:hugs: I don't really have any proven advice, my DD hasn't really done the answering back thing, she's in the midst of doing the ignoring thing! Well, at least the yes, listening mum, ok mum sure then goes and does what I've just asked her not to.

    I have found removing favourite items and loss of privileges quite useful, there's no yelling or arguing it's a quiet but firm warning then instant removal if disagreeable behaviour continues. DD knows now that I mean business when I give a warning and people comment on the "mummy voice" being incredibly effective with her when it's used. It is imperative if you use this though, that you carry through with it, otherwise it becomes an empty threat.

    With regards to the explaining gently, if she's not listening or deliberately winding you up, cut the explanation short. Simply tell her that the behaviour is unacceptable and what the consequences of continuing the behaviour is. Then act. An explanation can be given later when she's calm and in a frame of mind to listen if you feel there is value in it, but when she's arguing back or otherwise pushing your buttons firm decisive action may get a better result than long explanations.

    Hope this helps, and best of luck

  4. #4

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    I know I have been in this situation with my DS1 (11 now) and my 7 yr old has been rude in talking..

    I filmed my DS1 when he would be really rude.. SEcretly. Turn turn the phone onto record and have it ready to go. then I played it back. I don't think they realise just how horrible they sound

  5. #5

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    ohhh SO glad it's not just me!!! My DS1 is the same, has been for the last 6 months. And I regularly get "I hate you!" and now DD is getting in on the act. I calmly say "well I LOVE you" LOL

    Mine has improved slightly, and now he will apologise immediately after for speaking to me like he did. It's been a long frustrating road though. I just have been giving him a warning I guess.....more of a chance to correct it with "excuse me??" and then if he starts screeching at me I just send him to his room, not to come out until he will speak civil to me. Yes he carries on and the neighbours must hing lord knows what but I want him to know I have no time or energy for rudeness.

    My DD has much more staying power (like yours) and will go for ages, hours sometime. And she is loud on a whole new level. Again I do the same and just wait until she calms down.

    I think what you are doing is fine, just keep going Consistency is the key and eventually she will learn that that attitude just won't get her anywhere.

    Make a big deal when she does speak nicely and ask for stuff politely, explain this is how you want her to talk all the time. I tell my kids it's ok to get angry and frustrated at times but they need to go use their own space (rooms) to cool of for some time alone. Having an attitude and being rude to me does nothing except get us both upset.

    Oh and please don't take the "I hate you" personally.

    xxx

  6. #6

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    Thank you for your advice and your support.

    I have tried taking away her privileges and her toys and I make sure I ALWAYS follow through on whatever warnings I give her. Unfortunately, my 'mummy voice' has very little effect on her these days! I think she is just really pushing the boundaries these days and we need to hold very firm. It is incredibly frustrating and upsetting, though!

    Last night she was warned, then sent to bed without dessert. There was much screeching, particularly because DS 5 was still up and was allowed dessert, but so far this morning she has been extra sweet and well behaved!

    Thank you all for reminding me that I need to be consistent and surely this will soon pass. I do like like the idea of filming her, I think it would be quite effective with my little Miss.

    OMG... she hasn't even reached puberty yet!! I think we're in for quite a ride...

  7. #7

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    Oops, double post!

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    Hang in there hon, it does get better!

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    My sister used to use the reward chart quite effectivly when her ds was younger (& now with her younger2) these days though when he wants something from her or for her to do something for him, like can i go to so & so party or can you give me a lift... she just says no because yesterday (or when ever) I asked you to... or not to.... or you did.... so why should I do ... for you?
    Proberbly the later is not appropriate for you 'YET' but now she only has to give any of the 3 of them 'the look' and they behave (well most of the time lol) I used the reward chart for ds for pocket money (jobs & behavour) right up until he was about 14 and it always worked for him.

  10. #10

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    I'm so sorry to hear you're having problems, I had some pretty dreadful issues with my DD around that age. I hope these suggestions are useful.

    Number 1 - *MOST IMPORTANT SUGGESTION*
    Create some time each day - half an hour or so before bedtime - when you spend quality time doing something together - reading, playing a (box not computer or tv) game, talking, doing craft, whatever she will enjoy doing with you. Make it the highest priority of your evening and name the time slot. This will help enormously in the amount of attention/being listened to she feels she is getting.

    Then - think up a list of consequences - try to get it so they fall back on to her as immediately as possible. No dessert is a good one, another one (esp if there is acting-up over food or snacks) is to withhold lunchbox "treats". Also if she carries on in the afternoon/evening, then the consequence can be a corresponding number of minutes removed from your quality time together OR minutes she has to go to bed earlier. Ie if she carries on for 13 minutes, then her bedtime is brought 13 minutes forward. This is a wild ride for the first few days but after that, she will get it.

    Another trick - if there is something they habitually shirk out of/is problematic, make them practise it over and over again on a saturday morning when they are still 'fresh' (not tired etc) and would rather be doing something else. eg "you are going to practice unpacking your school bag and putting your things away since you seem to find it difficult during the week. You will keep practicing until I see you are doing it correctly every day." hehehe

    The other thing - and I *still* do this with my DD who is now 12 and even more in to the backchatting etc - is to stand her there and make her repeat what she wants to say until she is communicating calmly and respectfully. It might take 3 or 4 repeats but a) she learns how to control her temper and b) she learns how to rephrase her message in a more acceptable form and c) the repeating part helps her to identify the thing she *really* wants to say. It also asserts your right to be spoken to respectfully, even when she disagrees.

  11. #11

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    I am just stalking this thread for ideas too as I have an almost 7 yr old DD who has started back talking, and chucking tantrums like a 2 year old....I think the extra long holidays (her school finished on Dec 6th) and a Mummy in her third trimester who doesn't have as much energy as usual is not helping! My DS goes back to Creche on Monday, and I have the day off work, so we are planning a Mummy & DD Shopping & Movies day which will be great.

  12. #12

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    Thank you for your suggestions. Marydean, I particularly like your suggestion of making her repeat what she wants to say until she says it in an acceptable manner. I just need to hold down my own frustration and temper to ensure I get her to do it in a calm way instead of escalating the situation. It really is respect that she is lacking for her father and I and she has suddenly developed Big Girl 'Tude. In order for her to respect us, we need to remain calm and behave like adults!

    We usually play board games or card games after dinner as a family and both the 'big' kids love it (the bub is a bit small to join in!). We have tried the consequence of DD1 not being allowed to choose the game or not being allowed to play at all. I also make sure DD and I have plenty of 'mummy/DD' time and we've been very careful to make sure the new bub has not had a negative impact on Miss 7 or her brother. She loves her new sister and the problem started long before DD2 arrived.

    DD2 was very careful today and she apologised without being prompted for her behaviour yesterday ("I don't wish you were dead, mummy..."!). I don't like the back char, but I think I dislike even more my own behaviour in response, the yelling and frustration. I'm the adult, right?

    I will try all of your suggestions, thank you, and hopefully we will reach a point where DD1 will recognise the consequences of her actions and think before she speaks. I WILL be a calm and thoughtful (and consistent) parent. I hope we can get there without tears and yelling!!

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