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Thread: DF is mucking it all up!

  1. #1

    Default DF is mucking it all up!

    I have recently gone back to work 3 days per week and DF is at home full time with DD (4) and DS (10m). And he has to make a point of doing EVERYTHING different to the way that i have always done it!

    It is driving me insane! I am still here 4 days, so when i go to do something, now i am the one who is doing it 'wrong'.

    He has completely changed his sleeping, he is currently putting DS down for a nap (yes at 8:30am!) in the pram??? What?? In my routine he was having a morning sleep around 10:30am and i could just put him in his cot and walk out. I had a sleeping bag for him, which stopped him from standing up in the cot and screaming, but DF doesn't want him to use it, apparently its useless and makes him wake up. So now he stands in his cot screaming, and my way is 'cruel'. Well, if he was in his sleeping bag like i always put him in, then this doesn't happen!!!!!



    I put DS to bed every night at 7- 7:30pm after doing a bath, reading a couple of stories with both kids in the bedroom and giving DS his milk, but this is all wrong (apparently)! DF won't do any of that, he has not bathed DS once and he is putting him to bed at 6:30pm, just as i arrive home from work so i don't even get to see him. DD then stays up till almost 9pm because he think she needs to spend time with me... Seriously, then she is tired and cranky the next day and plays up and gets bored!

    I wanted to give DS 2x formula on my days at work, and BF all other times, except DS started rejecting me. Ok, i was a bit upset, but i moved on. But now, DF has to be the one to choose the formula, and this week i caught him buying toddler formula! Because its cheaper, and because it has all of this 'extra stuff' in it... far out! When i explained that its designed to be given 1-2 times a day not 10 like he currently gives it to DS i was suddenly the bad guy who is always telling him he is doing it all wrong...

    Its not just those things, its every single little thing! Even the 1,2,3 - naughty step, which has worked for me for DD since forever and i have been completely consistent with is now suddenly 'time out'?? What the??

    Why is what i was doing so terrible? I get that now that he is home he wants to establish his own routine and feel comfortable etc, but why start from scratch? Why does he have to make a point that my way was wrong and try and make me feel bad for the choices that i made? Maybe if he had been more involved in making them in the first place then we wouldn't be here right now. Every time i talk to him about it it just erupts into a screaming fight, i actually hate being at home on my 4 days off now, which was supposed to be a brilliant time for us where we were all close together as a family and doing lots of fun family things and having time together. Now it feels like its a criticism fest and i have to sit and watch how to do things 'properly'... I almost feel like changing to full time work now, and just letting him do it his way

  2. #2

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    I don't have any advice, but i can feel your frustration and hope you can find a solution.

    Maybe if he had been more involved in making them in the first place then we wouldn't be here right now
    this rings true for me too, so annoying.

  3. #3

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    What a mess! I know a little bit of what you are going thru... With my DH, I really needed to let him figure some things out, so as hard as it was, I had to let him make mistakes and work out this being a dad business.

    BUT he does generally defer to me on things like sleep, routines, settling... As I am the parent who has primary responsibility for their care.

    Maybe your DH is trying to assert his parenting independence by working it out himself? Having said that, I don't think it's fair that he is putting one baby down too early and keeping the other up too late!

    Can you write down the routine you had going, then sit down calmly with DH and explain why you set that up? Tell him that you understand he is trying to sort it out himself but that this is what works for them.

    Just a thought...

  4. #4

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    I have no hands on parenting experience as yet, so feel free to disregard what I say. I am, however, a master at compromise and conflict resolution

    DF seems defensive about his 'routine'. This can be hard to work around. Maybe the easiest solution is for you both to sit down and come up with a plan you're BOTH ok with. Consistency is what's most important, and it seems if you both do things so differently it's going to result in more conflict between the two of you, as well as unsettled little ones. It may mean you have to start from scratch again, but if you can find a middle ground and he feels he's had input in how things are done, it's worth a go.

    I hope I've been somewhat helpful, but if not, here's a simple

    Change is always hard, I hope you can work out a system which works for you both.

  5. #5

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    I agree - sit down and write up a plan for you to both follow. If your days at home are both constant, than include activities there too - library / park / craft etc and do up a big schedule. Include daily housework chores and you'll be on a winner!!!

    Good luck - and remember to breathe

  6. #6

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    I agree - sit down and write up a plan for you to both follow. If your days at home are both constant, than include activities there too - library / park / craft etc and do up a big schedule. Include daily housework chores and you'll be on a winner!!!

    Good luck - and remember to breathe

  7. #7

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    Definitely sit down & establish a 'plan' that you both agree to & both are happy with. Also, it's probably very confusing for both your LO"s having a 'Mummy's Way' & a 'Daddy's Way'. Good luck! It must be so stressful right now.

  8. #8

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    oh gosh. I'd have to kill him. lol

    I don't have any advice but agree with the others about writing a plan together.

    and more

  9. #9

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    Appletree my DH was a SAHD for 5 years - sometimes during those years I worked full time, other times part time, so I know where you are coming from to some extent.

    So three things spring to mind immediately:

    Firstly, children are generally way more flexible than we give them credit for. We may think they need a nap at 9.30 each day in their cot with their blankie, but the same kid can (eventually) happily sleep at 10.30am on a baby couch in the lounge. They will eventually get used to "when mum is here we do X" and "when dad is here we do Y".

    Secondly, there are some things your DH will do differently to you. Sometimes his way will be better, sometimes your way will be better. Sometimes you will never agree and the kids will just get used to different ways of doing stuff.

    Thirdly, there are some things which are "not negotiables", like giving toddler formula to a 10 month old. Put your foot down over things like that.

    As for everything else - phew! It is really hard trying to negotiate the shared parenting juggle! You probably feel like he is criticising you, but I suspect you are criticising him too? (the title of the thread is that he is "mucking it up"). It is so easy to do this, I understand how it happens The only advice I have in that department is to try and bring up the whole "issue" when you are both in a really good mood and pepper your statements to him with as much "I love how you do X with the kids, I think I will take that on board" as possible.

    I don't really know if writing a plan would work just now - your DH might see your suggestion of writing a plan as a way to control his time with the kids, which just might make it more of a battleground. Maybe try it once things settle down and you both feel less attacked?

    HTH

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