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Thread: Feeling like a failure :( * sorry long*

  1. #1

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    May 2010
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    Unhappy Feeling like a failure :( * sorry long*

    i'm a SAHM, which i love and THOUGHT i was doing the right thing by my kids. But over the last few times i've seen my closest friend she has consistently made me feel that i can't cope with my kids and that i won't cope with the new little one. Now, she has always been opinionated and has very strong views on parenting, some that i agree with, some that i don't. She has also helped me alot with my kids behaviour, because my 2 1/2 yr old is hard work and has been very anti social, so usually i can take or leave her advice/opinions based on whether they fit with my ideas or not. Usually i can let go of things as being her way, not mine. But this time i'm feeling attacked and judged and found a failure. She has told me that she and several others of my friends have thought i've been suffering PND since my DD was born (had a mild, undiagnosed case after DS), but only just told me; that the fact that my husband and i are very passive in our relationship is damaging our children and how they cope; that i'm very anxious around my babies and have caused most of DD'S behavioural problems because of this ( yes, this one might be a bit true); that i should think about how i'm going to "be different" with this bub; and basically how she copes wonderfully with motherhood and i don't. Oh yes, and inferred that my kids could get chubby because i worry about how much they eat. All this in two days! Maybe it's because i'm pg and more emotional, but i now feel apprehensive of having this baby, where before i was looking forward to it and feeling like i could cope. i know i need to tell her to back off, and get back to that place where i could shake her opinions off as just that, an opinion, but how???
    Thanks for reading if you got this far, needed to get it out


  2. #2

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    Your friend sounds exactly like my sister. So I know how it feels to think that you are being attacked simply for being different. Form your post, I think that your are doing a great job as a mum. I don't mean to offend as I don't know you, but I think that unless your DD has been diagnosed as having behavioural issues by a professional, then chances are that she is completely normal and just adjusting to the world and developing in her own way in her own time, and nothing that you did has caused these "issues", so please don't let anyone make you think this.

    As for how to tell your friend to back off? I am still trying to work this one out. Maybe next time she says something that makes you think she's attacking you, e.g. you should not be doing that...blah, blah, blah... Maybe say something like: That's an interesting idea. Why do you say that? What makes you think...? I have found that a lot of opinionated people back down when asked to actually back their views up.

    You are not a failure. Mothering is hard and it looks like you're doing really well. You will do well with your new bub too.

  3. #3

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    catetay- i'm really sorry this person is making you feel like this! it really gets my goat actually, who does she think she is exactly to put a 'friend' down like that.

    Have you considered just telling her straight. ie ''your opinion is not really helping me and unless you can support me and say something positive, then keep your trap shut?".... or i'll give grub your number and she'll give you a what for lol. (okay maybe that isn't too tactful but you get my drift).

    Don't let someone else's own issues affect how you feel about your parenting or yourself. It sounds like you are feeling a bit low atm and a bit more vulnerable to this sort of thing... but i can guarantee you, you are a wonderful mummy and the best mummy for YOUR children.

    as for the fact that she says you've got mild PND, I would be putting it back to her... if she was so concerned about you having this very serious condition, why is she talking about it and you behind your back with all your friends instead of coming to you directly??? and what are her qualifications for analysing your and DH's relationship and in turn it's affect on your children?

    sorry, but she doesn't sound like a very nice person. I also get the feeling from your posst that you feel obliged or like you 'owe her' for helping you out... that is not the case at all lovely.

    I'm not sure if any of that is really helpful, but with someone like that I'd just be taking the very blunt approach. I'd also be cutting off my contact with her until at least you've settled with this new baby... you don't need someone putting you down, especially in the coming months. so blah to her.

    Oh, and she seems to spend a lot of time thinking about your 'issues'. You might point that out to her, how could she possibly have time to be such a wonderful mother herself if she spends her time analysing your mothering and gossiping about you with 'friends'.

    brrhh.

    not sure if any of that helps you deal with this person. but sending you great big cuddles!!! and I bet your kids wouldn't trade you for the world!!! oxoxox

  4. #4

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    May 2010
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    Thank you ladies
    i am feeling better and stronger after getting it out there and your reassurances and those of my DH have helped me put everything back into perspective. She honestly thinks she's helping and i need to make it clear that i'm doing ok and while i appreciate her advice on some things, she's over stepped the mark.
    It has made me look hard at myself, and realise that maybe to her i seem stressed a lot, but some of that is HER! Other people who know me away from her, think i cope well. I don't want to be the sort of parent she is, but feel she judges everything by her standards. And my Mum would say something if she thought i was in trouble and couldn't see it myself!
    Any way i am feeling better about this dear one and the two who are already here, so thank you for your help

  5. #5

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    Wow, who needs enemies with friends as brutal as that! Well meaning or not she shouldn;t be undermining you and making you doubt yourself like that. Glad you are feeling better about it all. As long as you and your DH are on the same page and happy with how your family is going, don't listen to a word she says. In one ear and out the other!

  6. #6

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    Glad you are feeling better hun...don't let anyone put you down - that girl needs a good you know what! In my opinion, no one ever has the right to comment on your parenting or relationship with your partner and needs to be put back in her box! You will do fine with #3 i am sure...enjoy your pregnancy and your little family - they are only small or in your belly for a short time!!! xo

  7. #7

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    aww sweets!!
    Ignore her! You are doing an amazing job as a mother! She is not an expert and she may just be the kind of person who needs to put others down and you shouldn't have to listen to her saying crap like that to you!!!

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