thread: How the eff am I going to do this??

  1. #1
    BellyBelly Member

    Dec 2008
    1,431

    Angry How the eff am I going to do this??

    My hubby is FIFO and does 8/6 roster. This means that he is away from home for 8 days (7 nights) and back for 7 nights (6 days).

    While he is home, everything will be easy, no problem, but when he's away, how the eff am I going to do this? DD (2) has just spent the last hour going to sleep and I imagine that she has fallen asleep on the floor behind her door. Will check later. But I have been in and out that many times, every 10 minutes and all she wants me to do is pat her to sleep. I am extremely over it, I can't do it any more. I can't pat her, or lie down with her anymore. How am I supposed to do that with 2 of them? I'd sit with her until I thought she was asleep and then creep out and the crying would start all over again.

    And with the crying, she's wailing up a storm and then as soon as I open the door its all smiles. I can't win! I don't know if she's manipulating me, playing me or really just that happy to see me??

    AND I have to have a bath with her at the moment, she carries on and wont have a bath without me. How am I supposed to do that with a new baby?

    I am totally touched out, after having her in my bed last night, and climbing all over me today and having a bath with her and patting / lyign down with her for her bed times. I am so over it!

    Tell me it gets better....it has to, otherwise we're going to be having a lot more tears in this house, hers and mine before this is over.

  2. #2
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Jan 2006
    11,633

    THe things you describe, my DS was the same at that age. I think that by around 2y 3-4m it was all a lot easier. I was quite lucky in the timing of DD's arrival in regards to his little phases. So, you know, fingers crossed things get a bit easier with your DD in the next few months.
    I had to bathe with DS too! What a hassle. Well I just started telling him there wasn't room for my belly and him. And some days he just didn't have a bath.
    I don't know how you cope with a FIFO partner - the thought frankly terrifies me. All I can say is if you coped with one like this, then I'm sure you can cope with 2. And if not, could you look into work here for your DH? I'm sure it's less money, but sometimes you just have to strike a balance.

  3. #3
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Feb 2009
    Kalgoorlie, WA
    729

    I'm not sure I'm qualified to offer any advice that wouldn't sound cheesy (and possibly off a cereal box). I just wanted to wish you a big cyber hug.

  4. #4

    Jul 2009
    Out North, Vic
    8,538

    hun you'd be surprised at how easily a baby can fit in with a current routine but it would be quite hard whether a new baby was coming or not.
    Does she seem to settle easier when your DH is home, it could be seperation anxiety or she could just be pushing the boundaries.. DD1 is at the boundary stage (also 2) and there are days/nights i could pick her up and throw her out her window.

    Has she always had issues with sleep or is it a recent occurance?
    Could she be teething and therefor a little more clingy?

    I have no real answers hun but am hoping you get some rest and find a peaceful resolution for you all.

  5. #5
    BellyBelly Member
    Add fionas on Facebook

    Apr 2007
    Recently treechanged to Woodend, VIC
    3,473

    Darl, my partner's a shiftworker who is away most nights, though fortunately is not on a FIFO deal. Regardless, I pooed my pants worrying about how I would cope putting two to bed on my own but ya know what, it just works itself out. I concentrated on DD1 and DD2 just had to fit in with what we were doing.

    Will DD have a shower with you instead of doing the bath?

    The other thing to remember is that bub is 18 weeks away and chances are that she won't be like this in another 18 weeks. My DD went through a stage where she took aaaaaaaaaages to get to bed too but by the time DD2 was born, she was a dream.

  6. #6
    BellyBelly Member
    Add Party-of-five on Facebook

    Sep 2008
    bunbury WA
    2,114

    It gets better

  7. #7
    Registered User

    Dec 2007
    Victoria
    7,260

    I am in the same boat, though I do get an even week on week off.

    I am still new, and I won't lie to you - this is the hardest thing I have ever done; I am being tested in ways I never thought possible, and so is Charlotte. It is a massive, steep learning curve for both of us, all of us really.

    I can tell you that the time DH is gone seems to go sooo much faster than it used to! lol Seriously though, the best advice I have so far for all our sanity is try and be flexible, cut yourself some slack, especially cut some slack for your DD1, this will be incredibly hard on her as she will begin to mourn the mother that she knew and learn to deal wth a whole new range of emotions and routines and place in the family. Tough gig being a big sister

    It is so hard. But you will muddle through. And you aren't alone... Always here if you need to vent, which you will, I know this because I need to too! lol I am trying to find and learn new tools to help me deal with both of them, the house, attend to DH's needs and my own, a business... We are learning something new everyday.
    So far, the thing I am hoping will help most is we are getting a cleaner in once a week for 2 hours, floors, bathrooms, stove and windows once a month. That will I hope take some of the pressure off and let us all focus on the important things for a while.


    There will be tears, tantrums, yelling - from both of you, piles of washing or dirty dishes, and days filled with pyjama wearing and not showering... But it is getting easier, 2 months in now and it is getting easier... slowly. xo

  8. #8
    BellyBelly Member

    Apr 2010
    WA
    457

    Things get easier.
    YOu work out things that work...eventually... My DH and I tag team work/parent so do it alone most nights and right now its pretty hard. We sit with our two for 1-2 hours patting, singing etc most nights. But we've adjusted, and it will pass. We both figured it was a good time to catch up on computer stuff with our iphones and it is where I catch up with BB most nights. And it can be quite enjoyable in a way. They're sometimes really loving, sometimes funny and all too soon they'll be big and wanting their privacy and independance.
    I found when DS was a bub he just happily came in DD's room to help me settle her, all he really needed was to be where I was, and he benefited from all the singing etc. It didn't really make it that much harder. And now after one year, they're sharing a room so we settle them together.
    Try not to stress ahead of time. You;ll work it out as you have to. And she will sleep one day. It just happens, as though by magic.
    Hugs

  9. #9
    BellyBelly Member

    Dec 2008
    1,431

    Should I mention too that I have absolutely no family around too? I have friends but its not the same. I'm flying solo on this gig and that makes it harder too.

    There is no chance of DH coming home permenently. He's not qualified for anything but what he does away on the mines. He's been doing it since he was 19 and while his skills are transferable, the cut in pay wouldn't allow me to stay at home. It's just not an option.

    I have option but to cope, DD has no option but to cope and we'll muddle our way through it as best we can. Thanks for listening.

    And yes, DD is asleep behind the door. But she's asleep and I'm not moving her!

  10. #10

    Jul 2009
    Out North, Vic
    8,538

    Should I mention too that I have absolutely no family around too? I have friends but its not the same. I'm flying solo on this gig and that makes it harder too.
    hun.. my DP is home but there was a time where life would have been a hell of a lot easier had he not been, he didn't help with the girls and not only did i have to deal with them but i had to make sure the things he needed done were done.
    I don't have family here and his family would offer but we weren't within a distance for them really to help IYKWIM.

    AS the girls said it does eventualy get easier and it WILL sort itself out but in the meantime i hope she settles before bub comes and you can find yourself a nice calm routine that works for everyone.
    Just think this new bub could be the perfect angel, sleep easily, wont care about noise, self settle... have my for you.

  11. #11
    BellyBelly Member

    May 2008
    ...where jumping on the bed is mandatory!
    2,225

    i was so worried how i wold cope with DD1 once we had a baby. DD is 2 1/2 and DD2 is 3 weeks. things have worked out pretty well so far. i was laying with DD1 to get her to sleep but now she has a night light and i read her a book and then tell her i have to go and give the baby dinner and il be back in a bit, she reads books and falls asleep on her own. she doesnt even get out of bed!! i NEVER thought she would be able to do that, but with the baby there she can see the reason i have to go and she accepts it more readily! when DH is at work, he works till 8 most nights. i take the baby in to DDs room with us when im putting her down. asleep or awake. and it works out ok.
    your DD will be about the same age when your baby is born....unless my maths are way off...it is early so maybe she will understand abit too. I was sure that everything was going to be a horrible disaster and anarchy would set in...but its been ok. things just kind of worked out.i did get her sleeping in her bed at night though, that was something that im very glad we did, it took a few weeks but much better than having her in with me at night anymore. it works for some people, but wouldnt work for us. It really helped to have DH home that first week. i did stuff like i would if he wasnt here but he was there as a safty net to help get the new ways working! that gave me the confidence too, rather than suddenly being on my own with two and having no idea how id handle them both!
    Try not to worry....its impossible i know, i was in tears the day before i went into labour telling DH it was a stupid idea having two, id never be able to cope. hugs.

    ETA: just read your other post, i have NO family atall here either... no friends near us either really!! so totally know where your coming from! its scary, but ..on the days where i manage to keep my patience and sanity in tact...its fine!

  12. #12
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Dec 2007
    1,794

    My DH is a shiftworker, so does come home everyday, but he still needs sleep etc.

    Parenting with 2 children is hard no matter what. But as frightening as it is to say, I cope better with routine stuff (bath, dinner, bedtime) when DH isn't around. I never thought it would be the way.

    It is hard, but you get through it. And I too have to accept the work DH does, otherwise I wouldn't be able to stay home either.

  13. #13
    Platinum Member. Love a friend xxx

    Jan 2008
    hoppers crossing
    2,380

    With my boyrs there is exactly 2 and half years between them and my third again 2 and half years

    i rememebr being preg with my 2nd andy and i had to sit on my eldest bed till hed go to sleep...they understand exactly what u say to them so you just have to say well ur a big girl and ur going to a big sister...and big girls have baths on their own......get her as much invovled with baby #2 make her fele like shes not a baby

  14. #14
    BellyBelly Member

    Jan 2006
    Qingdao, China
    1,196

    WINTER _ It DOES get better. I promise you that. It WILL be ok when DH is away at work as well. You're overwhelmed, your tired, you have no patience atm & your mind is running in several different directions. That is ALL ok too! I promise! lol

    My youngest was 6 months when DH started working away & my eldest was a few months off turning 3. Yes, there were some very hairy moments when all the planets didn't align correctly, but overall, we have all survive unscathed & unharmed. You will find your routine mojo, the kids will realise that Mummy means business when Daddy is away & before long you will feel very pleased with yourself that you CAN do it all.

    I used to sit on the edge of the bath feeding Claudia whilst Jessica was in there, they both used to sit on the kitchen bench alongside me while I cooked dinner, I have even admitted to driving in the afternoons to going on a drive in the afternoon just to get them both to have a sleep at the same time. We do things sometimes to just get through that particular day, but all in all, I found I got a really good routine happening.

    Good luck!!! xx

    PS _ I would be using the 'Only babies get patted to sleep line' just to see if she rolls with that! lol

  15. #15
    BellyBelly Member

    May 2006
    Igglepiggle Land
    2,742

    Aww hun, I'm so sorry you're going through this!

    I work opposite shifts to DH, but I'm lucky that I get relief (either from actually being at work lol, or with DH and I both being at home at the same time for a few hours).

    My only advice - bribery .

    I have found that DD absolutely loves a 'princess dress' she owns. I say 'now if you go to sleep all by yourself, straight away, I'll let you wear the princess dress in the morning' - and after a week or so I've not even had to use the dress to get her to sleep, we've got the routine. Then I used the dress to get her to help clean the toys up and now she just does it automatically. I find that the use of bribery has led to routine, which has solved my problem of the kids not listening to me (they'll listen to DH, but thats no good when he's at work).

    If your DD loves a certain item, outing, game - use it to your advantage Winter - take no prisoners hun !

  16. #16
    Registered User

    Nov 2007
    Southwest Syd
    1,858

    Its a crapola situation Winter!! I really feel your pain!!
    I'm about to be in a similar boat too when ds comes along. My DH lives away permanently cause of the Army. I will have him home for the next six weeks on leave, (he's been gone since Jan) then he will be home maybe every third weekend. DD and I have it sorted now (and its hard with one!) but I am so scared about the new baby and being on my own. I'm just not sure how I will cope! We will have to muddle it out together!
    I do try and think of single parents who are it 24/7 for their kids and for us it won't be forever so I try and focus on that. I'm sorry that's not much help for you tho GBH

  17. #17
    BellyBelly Member

    Dec 2008
    1,431

    Thanks for all your advice & support girls, I really appreciate it.

    We had a fantastic day today and even though I laid down with DD for her nap (and fell asleep myself! ) tonight I got out of having a bath - I don't fit anymore! THANKS MADB!! - and tonight I laid down with her for a bit and then had to feed the dog and would be back in a minute! THANKS BECKOES!! and she gave me a kiss and let me go. I could hear her talking to herself for a bit but now she's asleep YIPPEE!!

    Thanks so much girls, I just have a feeling we may be ok...

  18. #18
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Jan 2006
    11,633

    WooHoo! There you go. That must be such a relief for you.
    Just remember even when you have bad days or when everything seems to fall in a heap, it's ok, because it CAN be better again tomorrow. (I just keep telling myself this too...) Oh, and then there's always TV too