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Thread: i need some coping strategies...

  1. #1

    Question i need some coping strategies...

    MMm this post isnt easy for me, even those that know me well wont know this side of me as i keep it very well hidden, But i am going to try to post.

    I need some coping strategies.

    I need help not to yell, scream and swear when it gets to much.
    The look on my babies faces break my heart and i feel that my Dh is wearing then.
    I go to bed each night hating myself, telling myself tomorrow i will do better but i dont.



    I am usually fine until about 3pm, i am tired, exhausted, the kids are feral, DD is testing my limits, DS just wants his mummy. And i need some coping stratagies to get through this slump every afternoon until bedtime.

    Please dont tell me to put the tv on, as i hate the amount of tv DD watches as it is, i am tempted to pull all the tv's out of the wal, because it just ads to my parenting guilt.

    mmm i might stop there before you have a page of thought vomit.

  2. #2

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    do your kids have sleeps during the day? you need to rest too..
    often i find at about 4pm a good "run" around the back yard(no matter the weather) helps with the kids and the fresh are refreshes me to.

    i am a screamer too so i get how annoying that is in its self..

  3. #3

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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPalace View Post
    MMm this post isnt easy for me, even those that know me well wont know this side of me as i keep it very well hidden, But i am going to try to post.

    I need some coping strategies.

    I need help not to yell, scream and swear when it gets to much.
    The look on my babies faces break my heart and i feel that my Dh is wearing then.
    I go to bed each night hating myself, telling myself tomorrow i will do better but i dont.

    I am usually fine until about 3pm, i am tired, exhausted, the kids are feral, DD is testing my limits, DS just wants his mummy. And i need some coping stratagies to get through this slump every afternoon until bedtime.

    Please dont tell me to put the tv on, as i hate the amount of tv DD watches as it is, i am tempted to pull all the tv's out of the wal, because it just ads to my parenting guilt.

    mmm i might stop there before you have a page of thought vomit.
    Honey please dont feel bad for writing this post
    Are you a SAHM?
    Im not attacking stay at home mums at all before people jump at me BUT thats why i couldnt do it day in day out without a) becoming a alcoholic or b) go insane as i personally cant handle the mum mum mum and the why why whys and the constant attention they want from us ....
    YOu have your hands pretty full dear girl so please giuve yourself a break .... what 3 kids under 3 yrs (did i add up correctly?) no wonder your feeling stressed and having slumps .....
    Have you thought of daycare a couple of days a week? I love it and seriously i wouldnt contemplate more kids if they didnt exist!
    If you feel exhausted you can put them in for full day half day and do things for YOU ... sleep movies hair nails .
    Do you get support from your DH if not why?

    cheers

  4. #4

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    dou dou
    DD doesnt day sleep - hasnt in over 8 months.
    We try to go for a long walk down to the beach so she is buggered by the time we get home and ready for bath, dinner and bed.

    Bubno3
    I have 2 bubbas
    I am not a SAHM.
    I work shift work (mostly weekends) 1-2 days a week (although last week i worked 4 days).
    i cant justify care on days im not working. We just cant afford it. The only reason i use care is so i can work iykwim
    DH is great, he is a wonderful supportive Dad, helps around the house.

    it is seriously my issue and i need to find ways to diffuse

  5. #5

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    Honey I'm the same.
    You know I'm not far away if you need a day away My kiddies will keep them busy
    I'm getting better, alot better, but its so hard. I have to literally tell myself to take a breath & calm down, stop screaming!
    (Having a sore throat for a week helps, lol)

    When mine get too much, shower is the answer. I'll put them, or just DS in there for a bit. I'd do the bath, but I personally don't feel the need to sit with them in the shower. I can't leave them in the bath.

    I really don't know if thats possible for you. Your DS is younger than mine.

    Any time. I'm here, if you just want to talk. I know how horrible you feel. I really do.

  6. #6

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    Have you tried some relaxation training/strategies darl? for yourself I mean.

    I don't know much about having toddlers/babies during ferral afternoon hour (although I have it to look forward to ) but it sounds like your stress levels reach a peak (possibly many times an afternoon/evening) and then you explode verbally which brings your stress levels down a notch or two? Perhaps just monitor yourself for a few days without trying to change anything just yet - note down what specific external events are more likely to set your stress levels rising as well as what you are thinking about the events. This should give you some really good information about what triggers you to yell and scream (as opposed to general level stressful stuff that you don't scream over). So it might be specific things the kids are doing or saying, or it could be more how you're already feeling with the tiredness etc. Once you've learned some simple relaxation (if you already have these skills thats great) then you can start to try and relax yourself when you feel your stress levels rising beyond the level you know you can manage. There are lots of ways of self monitoring - for example, you can think of your stress as a themometer and mentally check in to rate how you're feeling with 0 being totally calm and 10 being exploding and yelling etc. Then work out your point of no return. For some people this might be a 9 but for others they get to a 5 or 6 and then jump straight to 10 when that final straw occurs. I hope this is making sense. I guess I'm talking about identifying your early warning signs that an explosion is imminent so that you can intervene yourself to head it off. With the relaxation, it takes a while, like any new skill but once you've got the hang of it you can relax your body substantially in just a few seconds by taking the right kind of breaths, saying a calming mantra to yourself, tensing and relaxing just one muscle group etc. Another strategy might be to call in your DH (once he's home of course) to give you a quick 5 or 10 min time out to breathe or scream into a pillow or whatever it takes so you can return to your kids.

    I take my hat off to you. You're doing a great job even though you don't believe it and this is something you CAN change. I've got a great relaxation and stress management book - PM me if you want the name. It's really easy to read and has loads of strategies.

  7. #7

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    thanks girls.
    i will try to visualise and relax before reacting.

    Here is an example from this arvo.
    Dinner time - DD decides to spread rice all over the floor off her plate.
    i ask her to stay away as i need to mop the floor (ok ok didnt need to be dont right now and i see that in hind sight).
    She comes over to crawl through the rice as i am cleaning it, DS follows her and slips over hittin ghis head on the tiles, i crack it at DD for coming over (i know it wasnt her fault but i reacted).

    So i finished cleaning and put the kids in the playroom for 5 mins of time out for me, i come out and DD has my car keys out of the drawers, and has scratched the walls and all the doors in our rental property, again i crack it and start trying to clean and buff it (again i know it didnt need to be done at that exact time but i am a clean freak).

    DS wants me and come up and grabs my hair pulling it hard, i scream as it hurt, DS crys, DD goes for the keys again.

    i loose it and put everyone to bed with milk.

    this is just today, and i know i didnt cope well with the situation, and i hate myself for the ways i reacted.

  8. #8

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    3pm is when I take the girls out for a walk
    If it is raining and you can't go on your walk (and can I just say, you can go on a "beach walk"?... JEALOUS here!!!) then we put on a CD or wiggles DVD (sorry, I know you said no telly, but it's music, LOL!) and have a dance.
    If that's no good, how would your DD do with some playdoh or collage? Something like that if you don't do it too often might be exciting enough to keep her occupied for a half hour or so?
    Look, I can totally relate and I haven't been doing the 2-kid-thing for as long as you have. I go completely nuts at DD sometimes. So much so that she's started getting cross with her toys every now and again - imitating me. I hate it and wish I had more self-control. The reality is my DD doesn't really respond to me yelling at her - it's just that I can't help myself. *hugs* mate.

  9. #9

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    Go in, cuddle DD. Look at them while they are sleeping & remember how much you really do love them.

    Maybe you could give DD a special box. Have a book & some nibbly food & a few toys in there. Change the contents every day & when you need the 10 - 20 minutes to do those things, go sit her down give her the box & let her find the suprises in there.
    Use the same toys etc, just swap them around every day

    HTH

  10. #10

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    darl. That sounds rough.

    Is it often a cleaning/cleaniness/tidiness issue that is the trigger for you? You might need to adjust your expectations or standards temporarily - so reminding yourself that you can clean/tidy up once the kids are in bed in X minutes might help you stay on track with moving them through their bedtime routine? Or have a plan with your DH that when the mess starts, he will take the kids so you can clean up or vice versa?

  11. #11

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    PP hun I don't have any good advice. I just wanted to tell you not to stress, you really are doing a fantastic job. Most people lose it on a regular basis You are a wonderful mum, your kids are lucky to have you

    (From a fellow clean freak who has been known to lose it quite often, and I only have one kid to deal with so far!)

  12. #12

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    Every house has arsenic hours. And the best ways to get through them IMO is planning.

    Bring out the slow cooker if you can, or make some meals in advance so you don't need to do anything during this time (like cook dinner). Try not to answer the phone or do anything that will distract and could end in meltdowns for anyone. Have a routine. ie 3pm light afternoon tea (fruit and low sugar/salt treats to avoid meltdowns if your kids are sensitive), 3:30pm outside time or inside activities like hide and seek or musical bobs (who says its just for parties!) or even get a wiggles CD and do some dancing (great exercise for mum too!) build a fort with some sheets or some pillows... 4:30 read some books sing some nursery rhymes (there's a great thread on here) but do things that are wind down activies... and then start your nighttime routine - dinner, bath, teeth, bed (or however you do it). But during arsenic hour bring out the old school games and fun that we had as kids like hide and seek, nursery rhymes or anything else.

    And when it comes to mess... for your OWN sanity do not worry about it. There will be plenty of time once they're in bed for you to do a quick whip around and tidy before you relax for the night and its better to do that than spend your night feeling guilty about how you acted.

    And for the record even if arsenic hour doesn't exist there will always be moments of stress, so if you're feeling the stress get down and play forget about everything off, turn off the tv and unplug the phone and just have fun. It really does work. A good friend (Miss Lulu in fact) taught me this one

  13. #13

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    i am bad it is true when it comes to cleanliness.
    I am very house proud and i always have to have it clean and tidy.
    Toys and whatnot dont worry me too much - i will tidy them at the end of the day (although i know that annoys DH - he will pick up after the kids all day).

    i know i put alot of pressure on myself to be the perfect mother, wife, housewife etc.
    I do not ask for help easily. actually just do not. i see it as a sign of weakness and that i am not coping and i dont like being seen as not coping. Others manage and i am more than capable of coping so i tell myself to suck it up and get on with it.

    I have tried to let the cleaning slide, and it some aspects i have done this, not proudly though.
    But i dont want to have the place fall apart.

    wow that was a ramble

  14. #14

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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPalace View Post
    i know i put alot of pressure on myself to be the perfect mother, wife, housewife etc.
    I do not ask for help easily. actually just do not. i see it as a sign of weakness and that i am not coping and i dont like being seen as not coping. Others manage and i am more than capable of coping so i tell myself to suck it up and get on with it.
    Awww...it sounds like you need a massive hug.

    You ARE a perfect mum, wife and housekeeper! Its just that you are a perfect HUMAN one!

    I am currently trying to change my diet so I don't hit the energy drop at 3pm, because I get exhausted then too (and need to wind myself up to start the bed time wind down!)

    I also think it is easier to imagine everyone as not coping in some way. We ALL have our faults/weaknesses, and you are not weak for recognising your own. In fact it takes great strength and wisdom to be able to reflect on your own imperfections.

    It sounds like you are being very hard on yourself at the moment. Remember a lot of people reach out for help when they have children, and those that seem to be coping well often have an army of friends and family behind them. If you're isolated and tired, then it is near impossible to be the best you can be.

    Go easy on yourself hun. Maybe give youself a mini 'holiday', like no cleaning for a few days (yes NO cleaning) and maybe some extra yummy food or tv time - just a bit of indulgence to help you through.


  15. #15

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    oh hun, others do NOT manage well. We have arsenic hour between 4-5pm... and often I have to sit down and cry. I've been known to phone DH in the middle and say "WHY don't you have to deal with this????" With or without DD1's issues, the time of day makes me stressed, even when I'm at work!!!

    Lately we've gone to the park for that time, and I've prepared dinner ahead of time or its in the SC and I just go to the park so they can't destroy the house.

    Today, it was raining, so I put their rain coats on and gum boots and sent them out to the swing set because it was either that or pull hair out and I thought it was the best option.

    Food spills... maybe have dinner outside for a few nights.... when you are already stressed, make them eat outside for a break.

    House proud... I had to work very very hard at letting go of my house. I hated it... I hated looking around my house and feeling dirty. I still hate it, right now I'm looking at my disorganised bookcase and feeling my stomach churn because the job is just too big to do right now and I hate it! BUT when I need to get through my day, I choose to look the other way. I have to make choices to turn away.

  16. #16

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    Oh this is US!!!!! I often wish I could remove the hours of 3-7pm from my day LOL.

    I was going to suggest getting the slow cooker out. The days where I am more organised is when I'm not so stressed with the kids. If i've had a bum around day, just doing bits & pieces, then comes 3pm the kids are getting cranky and needy, but stupid me realises I haven't done anything all day so decide to start dinner or picking up mess... then the low tolerance and yelling starts. They fight and scream at each other, they get under my feet, they fight & scream with me... ARGH.

    If I'm in the right mood, I think of an activity like playdoh or painting or something and set them up doing that while I chop the vegies or something. But I have to be in the right kind of mood for allowing that extra mess, if that makes sense.

    Anyway, sorry, I don't really have any solutions.. I'm struggling through those arsenic hours myself these days, I just wanted you to know you are not alone!! But I do think the afternoon depends upon me more than the kids. I need to stop my late nights, and if DH is home for the day and our routine (hmm.. we don't really have a routine as such.. ) but if our day is thrown out somehow, it just escalates the whole thing and I find myself just DYING to get the kids bathed and in bed so I can have some peace!

  17. #17

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    I've done the bath at 3.30 thing and then putting them back in their tops until after tea and then wiping them down after dinner.

    Tonight both were screaming that they were hungry at 4.30pm while I was trying to frantically make dinner and they wound up eating a carrot each as fast as I could chop... but I reckon if they eat a carrot at least it wasn't biscuits or crackers but something healthy? I wound up frying an egg for one of them who ate it happily. She still ate most of her dinner too. I found if I don't feed them when they are hungry, they won't eat because they are too tired.

    Neither of my girls sleep, but we have enforced rest time for 30 minutes anytime around 1-2pm. I usually put a movie on for them and put a timer on. I say they have to stay laying down until the timer goes off. After a few weeks of introduction I made the "If you get up, I add 5 minutes" thingo... sometimes it works... DD2 does not get up at all, but DD1 will. She will get up and come back and sit down though which is good for me.

  18. #18

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    PP.
    I have no advise but I wanted to let you know that I think you're courageous.

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