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Thread: I'm at breaking point :(

  1. #1

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    Default I'm at breaking point :(

    I don't want to do this any more. I CAN'T do this any more.
    I need them to go away and just not come back. For how long, I don't know. But I can't have them anywhere near me right now. I'm a s*** mother and whatever I'm doing, it's wrong and it's not working.
    DH is at work. My mum isn't feeling well and won't take them today. My BF is a bridesmaid in her friend's wedding this afternoon so she's booked up with that. I'm on my own and I'm not coping.

    I'm about this close to just locking the kids in their rooms and disappearing. I can't be here. I can't be near them. I hate this.

    I just need to get that out, and maybe I'll feel better. I'm such a failure. I hate myself, I hate them for making me feel like this. I hate all the bs, the tantrums, the mischief, the refusing to do as they're told. The mess, the need for attention... when do *I* get any attention? When does anybody give a f--- about how I'm feeling? I can't afford any more days at daycare. My parents are either at work or out of town or busy with their own stuff (fair enough). I wanted the stupid kids, I have to deal with them.
    Except today I can't. I was so tempted a minute ago to just put my hands around DD1's neck and squeeze until she f-ing SHUTS UP. I just smacked DD2's bum and dragged her away from whatever she was into... now I'm outside listening to both of them yelling and babbling for me. SHUT UP, JUST SHUT UP. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE. I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW AND I WISH I COULD WALK AWAY AND NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN.

    I need to get out.


  2. #2

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    Oh hun.....you know what I could have written that exact post the other day and could probably write it in days to come! We all feel like that sometimes! You are an awesome mum but as you said YOU need some attention!

    Wish i was closer I would come take the scallywags and let them cause havoc with my monkeys so you could have a break...see a movie have a coffe whatever!

    Big hugs hun xxx

  3. #3

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    Sorry you're having such a rough day Good on you for taking yourself outside while you're feeling like this

    Is there a mothers' group or someone else you can call? I wish I had more constructive advice for you

  4. #4

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    oh sweetheart, i think everyone here can say they've had days like that, i sure as **** have.
    you're not a failure, you're a person too, and a lot of people forget that.
    maybe phone a parenting line or something to vent, and if things get really bad, phone your mum or dh and demand them to come home.
    sometimes things get too much, if you want someone to talk to call me, i'll happily let you vent xoxo
    Last edited by onthefly; July 2nd, 2010 at 05:27 PM.

  5. #5

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    its ok to take some time out darl give yourself some 5 minute breathers today, as often as you need to

  6. #6

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    Oh sweetheart sounds like you are having an absolutely terrible day . This mum business is exhausting and so incredibly trying!!! Some days these kids just do our heads in. I'm so sorry that i can't help you out by taking the kids for you. When is DH home??? Sending you heaps and heaps of support and hugs. Can you put the kids to bed for a sleep so you can grab 10 mins to yourself?
    I'm so sorry you're doing it so tough today.

  7. #7

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    I have had a week like that this week - it has been horrible so I know exactly how you are feeling. I think I got through by alternating crying and punching my pillow. I wish I had some advice for you but I don't. I know what it feels like and the only way out for me was the DH has taken an annual leave day today so I have a long weekend to get my head straight.

    Do whatever you need to just to get through today. I wish I had more to offer than that, but sometimes you just need to get through the moment and when you get a few minutes come up with a plan that will help you feel good about the things you are doing.

    FWIW, I think you sound like a great mum and you are doing a good job. It is hard work. Sometimes, as a mum, you feel like you are top of the world and other days it feels like the world is on top of you. Cry, eat chocolate, put on a DVD for the kids or take them to the park and let them run wild ... do whatever you have to do to get through.

    I wish I lived closer to you, we could have had crap weeks together

  8. #8

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    Default I'm at breaking point :(

    Oh babe I wish I were closer, I'd be there in a heartbeat It's okay to have days like this. Just take some time to breathe and be alone right now. Maybe put the telly in one of the girls rooms, pop them on the bed and put a dvd on, have a shower and just relax. Can you call dh and see if he can come home early? I know you feel like the worst mother right now, but you are so far from that. A terrible mother would not be reaching out and admitting she was struggling, would she? Be kind to yourself my friend

  9. #9

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    First of all have a hug

    It's one of the great unspoken secrets of motherhood that sometimes it is all too much. I have been there more than once and I know many other BB members have too. So don't beat yourself up, it's ok to be having a shocking day and it does not mean you are a terrible mother.

    Take some time to breathe. Stick a DVD on for the kids and tell them mummy needs some space. Have a cup of tea and curl up on the sofa. If you can, try and get them to take a nap. If they won't, then pop them in the car, stick on your favourite music and just drive to clear your head.

    Tomorrow will be better

    xx

  10. #10

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    get your DH home babe xx

    I've done it and it is worth it. it WILL give you the support and the knowledge that someone can and will be there even at these worst of worst times.

    get him home and get him to take the kids to the park (rain or shine) and take a nice long shower for yourself and get back on track.

  11. #11

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    big

    Are there any BB buddies in your area that could pop over and give you a bit of respite? I know I would if I was closer...
    Is there are park or a fenced off area (off leash dog park.. ) you can take them to so they can just go crazy and you won't have to worry about them too much. I'd be asking if your DH can come home a bit earlier tonight too. We all have bad days, hang in there, it will be over soon!

  12. #12

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    nawwww sweetheart
    You are NOT a failure, everyone has days like this its perfectly normal.
    I wish i were closer so i could help you out! Is there any chance someone could have the girls for a couple of hrs this arvo so you can take some time out?
    Gosh i had to get my parents to take DS away for several nights as i had fallen apart due to my XP.
    I know exactly how you are feeling.
    Dont hate yourself for it! xxxx

  13. #13

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    Babe - i could have written your post on so many occasions.
    PPs have all had great suggestions.
    Look after yourself. xx

  14. #14

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    With children who are nearly exactly the same age as yours ( same gap and everything), I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have days like this too. I scream, I rant, I carry on.
    it's tough.

    If you ever need to vent to someone, I'm always around.
    I hope your day gets better. Can you get out just you and your OH on the weekend?

  15. #15

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    We have all been there. You are doing the right thing taking a time out for yourself. I was going to say the same as traveller, can you pop on the tv and try and get a bit of a break. Hang in there. DH will be home at some point, and then you can leave the kids to him and go and hide somewhere, i like to have a long bath with the door locked, and put my head underwater so I cant hear anything going on, oh and I take a huge glass of wine with me... And remember to try and breathe, it might help... xo

  16. #16

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    I understand this feeling completely.

  17. #17

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    Thanks, girls. Really - thank you. I feel like I'm having the worst week ever and I want it all to go away
    The kids ended up crying themselves to sleep... mummy fail again I keep sitting here looking at the dump that is my house and thinking I should use their naptime to clean up... but I just don't have the strength right now. I was writing this huge post in my head last night after DD1 got into MORE of my stuff and burned her eyes with hair serum (after being told about forty thousand times to leave it alone), I ended up just falling asleep because it's the only coping mechanism I have left I haven't eaten properly in weeks, I'm so stressed and burned out, I just don't know where to even begin...
    It's my stupid birthday on Sunday and yet again, I'm disappointed because I won't actually get any presents. I've got some new lingerie on layby (which is desperately needed, I'm down to my last bra and the underwire popped through the seam about a month ago so I'm wearing it every day and have a big sore near my armpit where it's poking me constantly), so DH and my mum is giving me money to pay it out, there's my presents from them. Nanna sent me a cheque, which I've already banked, that will go on a haircut and a pair of ballet flats (which I also desperately need). I hate not getting things to unwrap... I know it's stupid and there's no point in sending anybody out to buy things like clothes for me because I have to try everything on... I just hate not having a surprise to open on my birthday. Looks like I'm going to have to cook my own dinner and not do anything fun, we were going to go out to dinner but my dad's out of town (AGAIN, he's away on my birthday every year because of this bs scout camp thing, he went down to Childers to see my brother for HIS birthday last week but nooo, I'm not important enough, his stupid scouting commitments are more important than me) and the kids are just feral anyway so no point going out. Mum will just get dirty as hell if DH and I want to go out without her so I can't get her to babysit or anything Because yep, everything's always about HER feelings and why can't SHE ever go out (never mind that Dad takes her out for lunches, coffees, dinners etc at least once a week, DH and I go out once a year on our wedding anniversary if mum is available to babysit, but nooo, Mum NEVER gets to go out, pfft). She won't even want to make dinner and have us over to her house because it's MY birthday so SHE should get to relax. Yeah, that makes sense.
    DH's dad sent me a cheque as well but the stupid prison officers forgot to put the cheque back in the with the card he sent (they have to check all the mail) and he hasn't sent another one, so I miss out on that... not that I really want (nor did I expect, but he rang to ask if I got it and DH said I only got the card so I found out I was supposed to get some money) money from him but it would have been nice to get myself a little treat, maybe get a new pair of jeans or something else, so now I'm all disappointed about that... F*** birthdays. I hate them and I wish they didn't exist. I feel like the world's worst parent because tbh, I don't even want to spend it with the kids, to me the perfect day right now would be one where I can just be left alone and not have to answer to anybody, not have to deal with anybody, just go and do something for myself, BY MYSELF, but of course that makes me an awful person because who wouldn't want to spend their special day with their special little people? And usually I DO want to spend special days with my kids, I love them to bits, but God I've had it up to here with them right now.

    DD1 is just an absolute monster. She's into EVERYTHING she's not meant to be (you may have seen my Punching Bag post about the bracelet the other day), she answers back, hits her sister, flat-out REFUSES to even try to behave herself... whatever I do, I suck at it, it's not working. Time-outs, smacking, taking away her toys, yelling at her, talking nicely to her, every. single. thing. I've tried fails to have any impact on her. I threw every single nice thing I have (makeup, perfume, hair product, deodorant etc) in a big garbage bag last night after the hair serum incident and put it all in the bin... no matter what I say or do, she won't stay the f out of my room or stop climbing into high drawers/shelves in the bathroom/bedroom/laundry/kitchen, so probably easier to just toss out everything I have bar my underwear and a few shirts, that way at least she's not at risk of poisoning herself or sending herself blind with some chemical. Goodbye hair straightener, goodbye shampoo and conditioner, goodbye favourite perfumes and eyeliner and everything else that makes me feel good about myself. Why bother? It'll either get broken, emptied into the bathroom sink, or kill my kid.

    DD1 is just impossible. She's not like any other kid I've ever met. You can't sit her down with a book or a DVD or some toys and expect her to play - as soon as my back's turned, she's up on the kitchen bench and pouring sugar into the toaster or something. She won't play WITH me. I try to do fun things like have craft activities with her, but instead of gluing sequins to the coloured cardboard I've given her, she starts gluing them to the leather couch or her sister's forehead or to her father's precious flatscreen TV. I take them outside to burn off some energy, and instead of playing on the swingset or trampoline DH forked out to give her, she takes all her clothes off, urinates in the yard and then unlatches the gate and runs off down the street, giggling like an idiot while I chase her, screaming that she'll get hit by a car.
    I can't take her out in public - she refuses to ride in the trolley at the shops, and runs off to hide. She pulls everything off the shelves and throws herself on the ground screaming loud enough for Boyne Island residents to hear her if I say she's not behaving well enough to deserve a lollipop. Her idea of 'playing nicely' with her sister involves pushing DD2 face-first into the floor and then running away yelling, 'Don't smack meee!' while I scoop poor DD2 up and check for blood. I can't ever sit down and watch anything on TV because if it's not cartoons, she stands in front of me and SCREAMS until I put cartoons on just to shut her up. She won't go to sleep until 11pm at the earliest.

    And of course, she behaves IMPECCABLY at daycare and for anybody else who looks after her when I'm not around. So everyone thinks I'm either a liar, or exaggerating, or just paranoid when I say I think there's either something wrong with her (ADD/ADHD?), or that I just can't cope with her.

    And as for DD2, she's just a massive drain. So clingy, so demanding. She won't stay inside when I go out for a cigarette, she stands at the door screaming her head off until I let her out. I have to lay in her cot with her to give her bottles and pat her to sleep every single time she goes down for a nap. She hates my mum and won't go to anybody else when I'm around, and if I'm not, she just cries until I come back. She won't sit and play while I do housework, she wants cuddles constantly and gets hysterical if I don't drop everything and pick her up the second she opens her mouth to protest that I'm ignoring her. Nothing ever gets done around here between the two of them because while DD2's getting cuddles, DD1 is trashing everything I've just cleaned up.

    There are always dirty dishes in the sink. Food scraps and crumbs on the floor. Dirty laundry, toys, half-chewed bits of plastic, etc etc etc strewn all over the house. I can't keep any one spot of it clean. DH hates it, he's so anal about neatness and cleanliness and swears that if DOCS ever paid a surprise visit to the house, we'd lose care of them because nobody would consider this house liveable. He works 10-12 hours a day, then comes home to filth and he hates it. He works OT on weekends because we need the money, so I'm alone with the kids even more, the house gets messier, he cracks the poos. When he's not at work, he's either mowing the lawn or painting the stupid house or doing something that needs doing, so I don't expect him to clean up, it's not his mess (and he's very tidy, all his stuff is put away, dirty clothes in the basket etc etc, the mess is all from the kids).

    I love my kids, I really do. I'd never hurt them. I just need a f-ing break because the past few weeks have got me so strung out I'm about to explode. I lay in bed at night wondering in all seriousness if it would be that difficult to slit my own throat. Would I be best to go ear-to-ear like in the slasher films, or would just a little cut under my jaw, where I can feel my pulse, work? Probably a good thing I've lost the plug for the bathtub, or it wouldn't be hard to 'bump my head on the tiles and fall face-down into the tub'... but that's just f-ed, and I know it. I don't want to die, I just want an out from the stress. I need a break. God, Sydney can't come around fast enough. It's all that's keeping me going right now I just feel sick all the time, this stupid 'suspected PCOS' has me in so much pain constantly, the treatment the Dr gave me didn't work at all, stupid AF is here again and it HURTS, I'm all alone, I'm supposed to be looking forward to my birthday and instead I just wish I could disappear.

    I'm sorry.. I know this is an epic rant. I don't expect or want sympathy, or help... I just need to get it all off my chest before I have an aneurysm or something. DH can't come home early because he had yesterday off so we could take the kids to see Dora (which was awesome, but as always, DD1 takes a perfectly good day and destroys it), and he's got a Dr's appt on Monday so he'll have to take time off then I hate that they rely so heavily on him at work, I hate that he wants to be at home helping me out but he just can't because his stupid lazy employers and fellow employees sit around expecting DH to do everything for them, and he's been looking for another job for so long but nothing has come up that suits our situation (we'd need another car if he were to get a good job with one of the industries as they're out of town and I'd be stuck at home all day)... I'm just tired of being on my own so much, with being stuck with the kids 24/7 while all my friends can go out and enjoy themselves every now and then because they have friends or family who can look after their kids for them... I can't even go out on my own because DH resents having to go to work and then come home and watch the ferals while I go off and do something for myself (which is fair enough, he's in pretty much the same boat as HE never gets 'alone time' either)...

    Argh, I just wish the kids would behave, behave, behave, stop acting like this, stop stressing me out, just for a couple of days... I don't know how single mums/those with partners who work away etc do it... I need to just shut up and get on with it because it could be so much worse, I know I'm just a useless POS who whines too much, I don't even have it that bad. I'm sorry I just need to get away for a while
    Thanks for listening. I really, really do appreciate it.

  18. #18

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    hugs to you sweetheart. sounds v tough. xxx

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