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Thread: Please don't judge me - just need a place to vent

  1. #1

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    Unhappy Please don't judge me - just need a place to vent

    I don't know where to start .........

    I am really struggling with this motherhood thing, Shae is gorgeous but sometimes I just cannot handle her.

    She flatly refuses to take the right breast and will scream bloody murder until the left side is offered. I have tried expressing some and feeding it to her to take the edge off, I have tried offering her favourite side for a little while then switching but have no luck with that either.



    She will not settle no matter what we do, change her, feed her, burp her, walk her nothing works she gets over tired and screams.I cannot comfort her, DH cannot comfort her nothing works.

    I am almost at the end of my tether, DH wants me to call my mum (yeah she is the last person on earth I would call), The way I am feeling right now I could easily pack my bags and just walk away and leave her and DH to it.

    You would think after everything we have been through that I would be happy but I am beginning to question whether or not I have made a HUGE mistake. I have spent more time crying and feeling frustrated and screaming then I have in "baby bliss" I have no idea what I am doing and despite his best efforts to console me I feel like I am failing dismally. I have tried to talk to the MHN and all I got was "this is normal, babies cry blah blah blah " c'mon seriously give me something to work with or I am going to lose my mind. I have told the LC about the feeding problems "just give it more time" Yeah you tell that to the screaming banshee that replaces my little girl EVERY TIME I try to feed her.

    I don't want to express, I don't want to formula feed, I want to feed my baby from the boob and I want it to be an enjoyable experience.

    Please -

    If you feel the need to respond to this thread, don't kick me while I am down, I love my baby I just cannot stand the way things are at the moment.

    Nae

  2. #2

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    Oh honey, i'm so sorry your feeling this way. Do you have any close friends that you can call for help?? Sending you lots of squishy

    You are doing so well and doing the best that you can. You gorgeous little bubba will love you no matter what you decide to do.

  3. #3

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    You poor darling. Motherhood is so hard sometimes, and I remember feeling exactly as you are right now. Please please know that this is normal and no-one will ever judge you.

    Have you called the ABA for some breastfeeding advice? Sometimes if baby will not latch on one side you can confuse them into thinking it is the other boob by changing the position you are feeding in (hold her rugby ball side so she comes at you from the other side, or lie on your side).

    If you cannot get her to settle then ask your partner to take her for a walk in the pram whilst you sleep, then try again. Don't be afraid to ask for help from a friend or neighbour, and also don't be afraid to mention this all to your GP or any other health care worked who is looking after you.

    Big hugs (((())))

    T
    xx

  4. #4

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    Nae - do you want me to come over and spend some time during the week with you and Shae? i had a problem with E flat out refusing the left breast most of the time - i have one nipple that is extremely flat in comparison to the other and we had hellish trouble establishing feeding with her on that side. we eventually got it - but it was hard work - and hearing her cry all the time when i was trying to feed on that side did my head in.

    i'm happy to come out when i can get the car (so tues or thurs) and spend the day with you to see if i can help you out at all.

    some things that spring to mind - have you tried feeding laying down at all? can you get Shae to a chiro to get her neck checked - she had a very fast birth - is it possible her little nexk isn't aligned properly and she is feeling pain when she turns to that side (this might also explain the screaming sessions - i know when my neck is out i get shocking headaches...)

    just because you've been on a long journey to get to where you are doesn't mean you have to "suck it up" and just deal with the hand you've been dealt. being a new mum is hard work - you and your little princess need to get to know each other and it's not always easy to read them.

    give the ABA a call and see if they can offer any other suggestions hun

    big hugs and let me know if you want me to come over at all

    BG


    ETA - there is no reason to feel like you'd be judged hun - there is nothing you're doing that deserves judging!!

    ooh, another thing - maybe jump into the brestfeeding support threads and see if anyone can offer more suggestions on the breast refusal thing

    BG

  5. #5

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    nae, those first weeks are so tough & i don't think you're alone in the way you're feeling.

    i second calling the aba - i called them in tears when DS was a week or two old & they were great.

    i found i needed my own time out at the start & for me it was in the shower. some days i stood under the water & just cried. but it was my time to myself & it always made me feel better after i'd had that time out.

    do you have a sling? maybe that could help?

    sorry, i don't have any real advice, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone & that it does get better

  6. #6

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    First of all big

    My DS4 was similar to what you are saying of Shae, I too would also end up crying and wondering why he wouldn't feed from my left breast. I found that he only had a little mouth (he was 7lb 4 and the others were over 8lb) compared to my other boys as well as had slight tongue tie (not saying this is the case with Shae), that the Pead had not picked up on, on discharge. It took my DH to tell me to calm down and relax a little for him to slowly take that side. In the end we ended up feed two weeks shy of 18mths.

    It's still early days for you both and you are both learning a new thing and it may just take a while for you both to get the hang of it.

    Big to you both.

  7. #7

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    Oh Nae, please vent away!

    Sometimes I think we need those TAC style ads to show us the awful, grisly and friggen hard times of motherhood. I remember walking, sobbing, to the bathroom in the middle of the night and weeping on the floor. I remember screaming in the dark for some space, some help, for something...

    I have told DH to "grow some boobs" more than once when he offers help.

    The hardest thing is...only you and her can work this out. its a relationship, and it takes time. Often long, hard, painful, exhausting time!

    I second the chiro advice (good one BG). Also please ring the ABA....sometimes just talking to someone about the bung boobie she is refusing seems to help. It can get you through just that next feed...

    You also need HELP. Where are your family. You should be at home in your pj's with people coming every day.

    Babies are so different. Try not to compare to anyone else. This is YOUR baby and she is doing exactly what she needs to do....we just have to help you through this.

    You CAN do it. You're amazing. It is just going to take some time to get used to.

    Massive I wish I could help you more!

    ETA: You need a sling...PM me your address and I will send you one. They're a lifesaver...seriously!

    Do you have a fitball? I remember sitting with DD over my shoulder and bouncing with her until she would settle.

  8. #8

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    no advice just massive hugs nae. xxx

  9. #9

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    Sending you lots of positive vibes and hugs Nae.

    I can't really give much advice on Bf, I was never able too, so I'll leave that to the other ladies on here but I can tell you that after my DD was born I had some quite similar feelings towards her. It all came back to Lachlann. It was an unconscious thing that I didn't realise till much later when things did get easier. But I'm sure she picked up on my uneasiness. When we finally started to relax around each other thats when my "baby bliss" kicked in.

    As PP have said please don't think you have to go through this alone. Ask someone who you feel at ease with to help you out, my gran helped me out more than my mum( I'm very close to my mum but felt she was smothering me this made me more anxious ergo DD was worse in my eyes).

    All the best hun xox

  10. #10

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    Thumbs up Hey there

    I remember feeling exactly the same way at one point. my son would not take my right breast. it ended up engoreged and sore and he was happy to take the left always. I left him have the left and as the right was leaking when I was feeding, I expressed into a bottle( with my spare hand) it was easy because the breast was so full and after a little "let down" he took the right breast. Then I only offered him the right one for a couple of feeds.

    Once they refuse one breast for a while the taste of the milk changes and it will become salty. Thats why sometimes you need to "let down" a breast if your baby refuses it. I learnt all this from a nice midwife at my local baby centre. Babies prefers the sweeter breast and will go for it everytime. So i suggest expressing a little (whilst feeding her on the right breast) and see how that goes. Maybe she will smell the difference and then try the right one.

    It is both frustrating and upsetting for you because you can't make her happy but you need to understand that you are doing your best and motherhood is very hard.
    Breastfeeding is tough work for some people and it will get easier. I promise

    I was considering giving up bf and then my son relaxed and became used to it. You beautiful bub is only a week old and she has no idea what she wants.

    I too remember crying in the shower. I think i cried for months.... it was the only time i had alone and it was like a release everytime i stepped under the water .lol
    Your emotions are running so crazy right now. Give yourself some time to settle into being a mum. No one was born with these skills.... We all just do our best.

    DH is probably just as freaked out as you are .... lean on him for support and talk about how you feel.

    Welcome to motherhood. ! Its not easy but the rewards are priceless.
    My son is still breastfeeding at a year....(time to wean him lol)

    Talk to you soon
    Last edited by Mum2Romone; November 22nd, 2009 at 08:05 AM.

  11. #11

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    Hi,
    Despite all our dreams, all the books we read, the classes we do, new motherhood rarely meets our expectations. I remeber very clearly and with some embarrassement, thrusting my 3 week old breastfed baby and a bottle into my husband's arms and taking off for a long drive (actually, I think my thought process at that time was that I was never going back - but I did, and went on to breastfeed for a long time!). To be honest, motherhood was completely overwhelming. You have got some great suggestions. If you feel that you might be heading towards PND, please talk to some-one about it.
    Regarding breastfeeding hang in there and get the help you need-and ask over and over and over again. It is something worth getting right.
    Give us an update on how things are.

  12. #12

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    I can remember with DD1 sobbing whilst trying to attach her to the bb and thinking I thought this was supposed to be natural and EASY!
    I think the pressure to have those blissful/ happy mummy feelings 24/7 is very strongly put upon us by a lot of society and its great to have people openly admit that it isn't always like that. Motherhood is damn hard, there are challenges every step of the way- yes its very rewarding and wonderful sometimes but its also boring, tiring and frustrating!

    You are doing a great job hun, be kind to yourself.

  13. #13

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    Massive to you hun.

    I can not believe how insensitive that MCHN was to you! Is there someone else that you can see at the clinic? If there is I would also tell them what the other one said. That is terrible to just brush aside a new mums cry out for help.

    With settling...I second what Anna said...I used a fit ball to sit on and just bounce holding DD firmly against my body and it would settle her. I think we also caved to a dummy at around 4 weeks. I didnt want to use it but it was a lifesaver.

    You are really at the most difficult stage of being a mummy right now. You and bubs are still on your L plates for learnign how to feed and sleep and communicate. Your also recovering from the birth and all the surges of hormones are all over the place. I know you feel at a complete dead end right now but promise you with lots of support you guys will get through it. Take beautiful BG's offer to come over. Just having another mum there to talk to and help out will be an excellent support.

    I dont really now waht to say as I am no expert but I will sent you lots of squishy and lots of calm vibes to you you and Shae and DH.

    Keep venting hun. Its actually healthy to get it out rather than keep it all bottled up

  14. #14

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    Nae,
    I think also the journey you have travelled makes you feel like it should be like a "picture". It was quite hard to get here and how can we possibly not love every aspect of motherhood. Be gentle on yourself and hopefully some of the wonderful ideas pp have posted may help. To be honest - It took me a long time to really enjoy motherhood and felt I couldnt tell people any of the true feelings.

  15. #15

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    Nae - nobody is judging you hun! You are doing a fantastic job. I think sometimes when you are so focused on the pregnancy and getting through that, the part that comes after can be a bit of a shock to the system. It does take a huge amount of adjustment to go from being pregnant to actually being a mum!

    I also agree with using a sling. I have a hug-a-bub that was the only one that Miss J would settle infor her day sleeps for the first 6 weeks of her life. She was a windy baby and I think she really needed to be upright to be comfortable. Also she was close to me and needed that constant bond to settle. We also ended up co-sleeping for the first 3 weeks at night for the same reason. If you want to try the hug-a-bub sling I'm happy to send it to you if you like.

    Miss J has gone through periods of breast preference too - even now she is clearly preferring the right one and she is 9 months old! I would try feeding lying down as you may find she is more relaxed (and so are you). The ABA help line is a great support - I have called them a couple of times and it really helped.

  16. #16

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    Oh Nae no-one would judge you hun, your doing an amazing job.
    No-one explains how hard it can be, in your head you think it's the most natural thing in the world and it should just happen but it doesn't.

    DD was horrible at feeding on BOTH sides, she would fall asleep, grizzle, cry, scream i was at my wits end.

    The best thing you can do for yourself and your gorgeous DD is admit that things are not going as best as they can, i definitely agree with ringing the ABA, they are VERY helpful.
    We all have doubts after bubs has come along and yes crying is part of their process but the MCHN should have offered more help.

    I hope someone has more advice for you, it's all trial and error but your doing a fantastic job so keep it up and i hope she settles for you ASAP and you can get back to enjoying your gorgeous little girl.

  17. #17

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    awwwwww hun everyone has given fantastic advice, please dont be too hard on yourself, motherhood is the hardest thing you will ever do but the most rewarding, things will get better i promise.
    ive pm'd you hun
    Last edited by Olive; November 22nd, 2009 at 08:57 AM.

  18. #18

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    Big big hugs, feeding can be really tricky in the first weeks - I remember going to extreme lengths with a dummy simply because DD wouldn't attach at all. I would get her into position, get her happily sucking on the dummy, then in one liquid move (ok it was clumsy and fumbling at first) whip the dummy out and pop my (fairly flat and not very obliging) nipple in. I"m sure a LC would've been horrified - but it worked for us. I'm sure you'll stumble across some solutions that work for you -there have already been some good suggestions. I did wonder if you had tried putting S into a 'football hold' (ie under your arm) to feed on the right side, she might be more accepting of your breast if she's not tipped over the other way, kwim?

    Hang in there sweetie. Many women go an entire lactaction feeding from only one breast so you've always got that as a fall-back plan. Now is the time you can draw on the resources of your local ABA group - having a breastfeeding counsellor on the phone acting as your cheer squad as often as you need it might be a real help right now. xxx and

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