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Thread: When 1,2,3 no longer works on your 4yo, what then?

  1. #1
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    Default When 1,2,3 no longer works on your 4yo, what then?

    last few years, i've been using "count to 3" with bilby, with great success, to get her to comply, co=operate.



    all of a sudden (she turned 4 in Nov), it's stopped working - at all.

    what could i replace it with?

    would love to hear any ideas.

    we have massive timely sessions about getting her to eat, getting her dressed, getting her to sit to have her hair done (long hair that needs to be plaited to stop the knots).

    would like some of the battles to decrease, even just a bit

    after an episode of her NOT getting out of the public pool for 90 minutes, few weeks back, i am now nervous to take her out anywhere like that again. I asked her nicely, i suggested she get out so we could go get an icecream each, she pretended not to hear me, wouldn't give me eye contact etc FOR NINETY MINUTES.

    i didn't feel it was safe for me to bodily take her out (was worried i would drop her on the concrete due to my lack of strength). so i waited it out. 90 minutes.

  2. #2

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    With my older kids, I would tell them if I needed to start to count, I would be counting the amount of favourite toys of theirs I would be taking away from them for a week. I would just give them a warning and then if they didn't co-operate I would say "Okay, 1. That's 1 favourite toy gone for a week" and no matter what, I would stick by it. They soon found out that I was serious.
    That worked for us for a long while.

  3. #3

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    You have to follow through.
    Charlotte figured she could ignore it, then I once she realised the consequence was serious, she realised she should listen to the counting. lol Once you hit 3, that's it. Whatever you have said you are going to do when you get there, you have to do it.
    Also found the toy taking away thing works well here, as does being sent to bed or no dessert.

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    Agree - once DD1 realised nothing was happening at 3 then she didn't care, lol!!! I have had to remember to name the consequence before the countdown. Amazingly it doesn't have to be anything major - removal of toy, quiet time in her room, no TV.
    I also think being confident in yourself when delivering it is also important, has been for me, I must admit I have taken a few deep breaths.........

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    Sometimes my 3yo counts with me! Usually we're at the shops, I threaten to leave him (and I know this is bad) but I'll start walking away. So far it seems to work. If he wants to go somewhere - like Nanna's- I'll use that as leveridge (so?). At home if he won't pack up, his toys are going to the poor children.

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    i have been thinking the same thing. it worked for 3 weeks here, they went to my mums for a few nights, i explained it to her, and she over used it, ds1 came back id start the count, and he would say "im naughty i deserve to be in time out" he wouldnt even do anything id go to ask him what he wanted for lunch, "i deserve time out im naughty" but that was the only responce id get, that and a heap of abuse hurled at me if we got to the "go to your room for 5" i stoped trying. and am hoping that i can pick up and start again, fresh it was so good the short time it actualy worked!

  7. #7

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    I don't have time to post a long reply but will pop back later tonight. Sounds to me that the things you want her to do are "start" behaviors not "stop" where you might count her to 3. If you count her on start behaviors (start eating dinner) you may essentially stop her itms. Back later :hugs:

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    id tell her that if she doesnt do as mummy asks she will have thigns taken off her etc

    consistancey

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    I remember when it stopped working here, I was gutted

    As others said it's important that you follow through with everything you say. I don't use counting here anymore but my DD is a little older (almost 5), I've found its more helpful to explain things to her, why it's important to keep her room clean, why we don't yell in the house and so on.

  10. #10

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    Please look at Parent Effectiveness Training. I did this course (27 hrs over 9 wks) and it literally changed my life.

    I now use it on just about everyone including work colleagues, clients, and most particularly my XH.

    Well he does behave like a child so May as well treat him like one.

    Kelly has some great articles about it on the main site after I put her onto it too.

    Good luck!

  11. #11

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    Back a day later sorry. So we use magic 123 here like lots of mums here do and it works well most of the time for us. We count stop behaviors like nagging, sooking, teasing J etc anything we want to stop!

    With start beaviours like brushing hair, eating dinner etc they are called start behaviours and the things they recommend in the book are
    Positive Reinforcement so picking up on the good stuff all the time (ALL the time!)
    Simple Requests "YOu need to brush your hair now" rather than asking if it's ok to do it now? TMS,
    using a Kitchen Timer - setting the timer and making it a game "Can you race the clock and get the toys picked up before it beeps etc"
    The docking system ( I think this is more for older kids) principle is that they lose pocket money or time on a computer etc,
    Natural consequences eg. taking too long to get dressed - take them to preschool in pjs - natural consequence is that they won't want to go in pjs again!
    Charts - we use reward charts with a fair bit of success here and
    lastly, Counting 123 for things that take less than 2 minutes.

    Worth getting the book out from the library!! Sorry about the huge rambly post!
    Last edited by Beach Mama; January 21st, 2011 at 08:05 PM.

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    I think I need to know this too... Liam doesn't like to get his nappy changed, get dressed, get shoes on, eat, bath, etc.... unless I can think of something he really wants, and he's not too tired - I can often bribe him But not all the time.

    about the pool incident. I know what you mean about thinking twice for next time. I'm taking Liam to the play cafe tomorrow to meet up with my Mother's group and I had a scene when we left it last time.. So I'm a bit worried about tomorrow too.

    I'd be interested in these other things you guys are mentioning -- but not sure how to find out more. Can anyone post links or PM me & Gigi?

  13. #13

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    If I count in English my daughter ignores me. If I count in Japanese, instant response!

  14. #14

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    Hitch, nee, sun, she, go, rook, .. that's all I can remember And I know they wouldn't be spelled correctly. I only ever got them spoken at me (at Karate!)

  15. #15

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    Ichi n?e sun shee go roku hatchi nana kyu joo.... mil is Japanese!!!!

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    Maybe offer a 2 choices that result in the same thing.
    For example "You need to get undressed. You can do it yourself or I can help you. Its your choice" It doesn't work in all situations but I found that it helped. I know it sounds silly but it can make them feel like they have some control over the situation but you are still getting the result you desire.

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    Quote Originally Posted by indie24 View Post
    Maybe offer a 2 choices that result in the same thing.
    For example "You need to get undressed. You can do it yourself or I can help you. Its your choice" It doesn't work in all situations but I found that it helped. I know it sounds silly but it can make them feel like they have some control over the situation but you are still getting the result you desire.
    Hmmm.. That's so crazy, it just might work!

  18. #18

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    I often use the 2 choices thing as well. It does work well at times as well. It gives the child some sense that they are making a choice however the outcome for you is still the same, do you want a pink hair tie or a purple one - come here and choose it. If she still refused then I would then go to counting and time out if she gets to 3 without complying.

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