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Thread: when does it get better?

  1. #1

    Default when does it get better?

    I feel terrible saying this, but I hate being a mum. I just want my old life back. I cant settle my baby, everyone else can. Im struggling to cope when he starts screaming cause I cant make him stop. I hate being stuck at home all the time but I hate going out with a screaming baby who wont settle for me. I hate having to count down the hours each day till dh gets home so that im no longer here alone. I hate that I never get a break.

    I feel terrible for feeling like this & feel so guilty that although I love my ds I also resent him. Im so jealous of dh getting to go to work all day while im stuck at home by myself with a screaming baby.

    Everyone keeps telling me that it gets better, but when? When will I enjoy it? When will I start to be glad that our ivf was successful & we had a child?

    Everyone at mums group seems to have adapted so well. They dont seem worried that their babys wont sleep during the day, they still seem like everything is fabulous. It doesnt bother them when their baby starts screaming. They still go on with their lives, do what they want etc with a baby in tow. Why cant I be like that? When will I adapt?

    Sorry I feel so bad posting this but I just wanted to get it out

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    WA
    Posts
    435

    Default Re: when does it get better?

    First of all big Hun I think you need to make an appointment with your GP to talk with them about how you are feeling. I can identify so much with everything you are saying. I was desperate to get my old life back and thought having DS was the biggest mistake I had ever made. I'm not saying it is for you but for me it was PND. I started medication and after a few weeks I noticed things didn't seem as hard as they had been and from there every day got better and better and I now think having DS was the best thing I've ever done. My DS was a reflux and colic baby so I totally get how hard it is to enjoy motherhood when you have a baby who screams for majority of the day. I had a lot of well meaning people tell me to hang in there and it will get better but for me it wasn't going to get better on its own I needed a bit of help.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Melbourne
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    766

    Default Re: when does it get better?

    Please don't feel bad for being honest, it's ok to have those thoughts. It doesn't make you a terrible person or mother.
    I have been there, and it was so hard. You definitely need to talk to your doctor, or if you feel more comfortable, find a counsellor - call PANDA, they can direct you to someone that can help.

    Are you still planning on going to the sleep school? Better sleep and some settling techniques will really help. It took me months to feel a proper connection to my baby... He's now 4 and a happy and healthy boy who I adore.

  4. #4

    Join Date
    Jun 2010
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    Tiny Town
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    4,675

    Default Re: when does it get better?

    You know, some people aren't baby people. My husband isn't, he hates the first months and it's not really until our kids are walking that he starts to enjoy it like other people think he should. He's just more of a toddler/older child person, our DD is perfect for him.

    It's not something to be sorry for! It can be tough, so tough. When you're alone with someone tiny who depends so much on you and you feel like you can't fix their crying. In times like that I want you to know you are enough. You're doing your best for your baby and it is enough, you're doing a great job. If baby won't settle it's easy to feel like you're not doing things right, but you are doing well and your baby loves you.

    As for when it ends, I'm not sure. You might feel better when your baby is a bit more independent. Finding a play group or mothers group to help you get out during the day might help. I'd say just hang in there, but if you need help or just someone to come and be with you, please reach out and ask.

  5. #5

    Default Re: when does it get better?

    First of all big hugs.
    I think first of all it would be helpful to look at the reality of the situation at this point. From the other posts you have started is seems clear that you have some pretty big tough stuff (feeding issues and very unsettled baby) that hasn't been sorted out yet and the end result is you have a 'hard' baby. Some babies are unfortunately harder than others. I know, I had an 'easy' first baby and a 'hard' second baby. I'll bet your mums group friends have easy for easier babies. They are not superior to you, they just had better luck in the baby lottery (or care more about seeming like they did, which BTW is not a good trait to have!). Some people like you and I luck out on the lottery and get babies that just find things harder and it is harder to feel OK about it.

    I'd already had an easy baby before so when I had my refluxy bad feeder who screamed all day I knew it wan't normal or OK and I did something about it. You don't have the experience of what is normal or OK - and no one expects you to as a first time mum - so working out when your baby has crossed the line between 'OK feeding and feeding not working' or 'a baby a bit unsettled and baby overly hungry or in pain' is so so so much harder. But that's OK, that is what Drs and midwives and lactation consultants and community nurses are for, to spot the problems and set you on a path of working it out.

    I can tell you at any rate it's gets better. If you get to the bottom of the tough issues it will get better sooner, but if you are unable to as many families aren't, it still gets better. Reflux get better with age, they outgrow colic, ear infections get better as the ear canal gets more mature, lots of things sort themselves out and things get better. My mum had a hard baby who was her third so she had plenty of experience and they never got to the bottom of his deal, but it still got better. I just say my little brother was a little **** but that might just be a big sisters perspective LOL!

    When you are in the middle of a bad patch with a baby - whether that patch is 2 days or 2 months - it always feels like it is going to be like this forever. It really does feel like that. But I am hear to say it won't always be like this. Your baby will change, and you will learn different and better strategies to deal with it, and things get better.

    So step 1 - get some help, some help with you and some help with the feeding and crying issues. See a Dr a LC or a community nurse or see 20 of them, keep saying that things are not right until you find some who gets what you are saying and has practical help for you. Unfortunately people who deal with mothers and babies all the time tend to try and brush women off as an over anxious new mum. So unfortunately at the time when you need the help the most and you need some one to charge in and take control of finding the right counsellor or feeding specialist or settling guru etc. you actually have to ask for help repeatedly

    With the specific issues you are facing, do you think the feeding and milk escaping issue could be related to the constant crying? Obviously I have a small amount of information about what is going on with you and your baby, but when I hear of THAT much milk escaping and lots of crying, on paper it leads me to wonder if he is not getting enough milk and getting hungry. I mean it sounds like he is getting enough to swim in - literally - so I would guess your supply is OK, but more how much he is actually getting into his tummy.

    Anyway I can't work out the source of the troubles over the internet (nor am I qualified to), but I think these are the types of questions you need to be hitting a LC or nurse with.

    Good luck hun. It will get better but regardless of how things are going your online community is here to listen and help and just offer hugs.....x

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    11,633

    Default Re: when does it get better?


    Are you in touch with your local ABA group? If you can, screaming baby or no, get along. you'll find some understanding mums willing to bring you a cuppa and cake.

    Day to day, how much help do you have? You sound pretty isolated, which only makes it all worse. We're not really designed to do this alone.
    Do you think you could have a chat about how you're feeling with your nurse or doctor, or a family member or friend? The adjustment period is normal, and in our modern world trying to do it all it's (unfortunately) quite normal to struggle, but there's definitely a point beyond which you really need help.

  7. #7

    Default Re: when does it get better?

    Thanks ladies. Ive made an appointment with the gp for wednesday.

    day to day help = none. Dh leaves for work around 7am & gets home between 6.30 & 7pm. All of my family & friends work full time.

    im connected with a mums group but its hard to go - im reliant on public transport & thats a nightmare with a baby who wont settle for me. That would also be the case if I joined an aba group - the closest one I would have to catch two buses to get there.

  8. #8

    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    11,633

    Default Re: when does it get better?

    Oh bugger. Is there a local playgroup or anything else? Maybe your CHN might know of other options in the area? Could you ask the mums to come to you to meet?
    Is paid help feasible? Cleaner/nanny/au pair/something.... What about weekends, can you call in reinforcements then, at least?

  9. #9

    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Sunny Qld
    Posts
    14,683

    Default Re: when does it get better?

    I've only ever had 1 "easy" baby so I hear ya. My last was by far the worst, he was so cranky! He cheered up around 3 months.

    Where are you located? Maybe someone off here is local to you and can help

  10. #10

    Default Re: when does it get better?

    Thanks ladies

    weekends are ok as dh & other family are here. Im currently looking at getting a nanny to help during the week

  11. #11

    Default Re: when does it get better?

    I can't say I know how you are feeling because I had support but I know my reflux and colicky baby woke up at about 2 and a half months 'fixed'. Depending on where you live, some governments offer home visits to assist new mums with struggling babies. I know some days I walk to the train station to throw our daughter into my husbands arms because I couldn't deal with the screaming anymore. Hope it gets better soon and try not to be too hard on yourself

  12. #12

    Default Re: when does it get better?

    How did you go with the Dr?


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