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Thread: When things just don't workout the way you thought they would

  1. #1

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    Default When things just don't workout the way you thought they would

    Ok so here it is I am no longer scared to post this and feel that I owe it to other members who maybe going through similar been through something like this that there is someone else out there that knows what it feels like.

    Now I address this by saying I did not post my fears or questions on many of these topics because I was scared of what would be said to me and that I would be judged. But to ensure BB remains the supportive community I want it to be I have to be prepared for the comments and place this information here. Because I know a good friend of mine went through similar issues and did not know things were not working 100% and if I had posted her maybe she could have spoken to me.

    Many of you may know my story and know that after 2.5 years of IVF I now have a beautiful 11 week old girl and this is also as much to celebrate her as it is for others to read.

    I got my BFP after my 6th IVF stim cycle and started to spot at 5 weeks just before my first scan one of the scariest moments in my life until at 10 weeks I was on my way to the airport in Melbourne and had a full on bleed and passed a blood clot the size of my hand. That was it I had miscarried they told me lost my baby she was gone I was alone away from my husband yes my family were there but that was not the same. I come home the next day cry abit and go back to work on the Monday ring my FS to arrange the D&C and check-up. Lucky for me he scans me and we see a heartbeat me still bleeding and spotting has a strong baby with a heart beat the bleeding and spotting went on till 12 weeks and I was put on a limited moment preg routine. Work, Home, Rest and walking for only 15 mins a day. Not the pregnancy I planned but worth it.

    Charlotte was a baby who liked to lye diagonally across Mummy's Tummy for most of the pregnancy. Then at 30 weeks she magically had gone head down yay now it was only my health to consider to weather we went CS or not. At my 32 week visit she was diagonal again now we had a decision to make, I was Anaemic and the chance of a haemorrhage would mean great blood loss and maybe a baby without Mum and is it worth Mum stressing for her to turn. Then I came home and spoke to my husband I was not aware of how uncomfortable the risks I would be taking with a natural birth made him so with consultation with our OB we decided that 1 child was a blessing and if we got a 2nd another CS would not be the end of the world and for the health and sanity of all we opted for a CS.

    My CS was the most amazing experience I was led and fully involved in the birth of my baby girl and would do it again in a heartbeat. Not anywhere near as scary or terrifying as people made it out to be. In the end there was a vein over Charlottes head so I was very lucky that a CS was our chosen way.

    Then came my dream of Breastfeeding, my iron levels were tested and I was given the ok to feed my girl. With G cup breasts though however my little girl's mouth was too small and no matter how hard we tried we could not get her to attach. The midwifes were helpful they tried and tried to show me different ways to attach and feed. Finally one night while I was in tears a lovely lady came on and into my room and said love sometime it just does not work. I have large breasts too I express fed my little ones when they could not attach. Well I thought I have a pump at home if it is there as backup if I need it. We struggled through the next 24 hours of feeds and then after 2 hour and no real attachment at 2am in the morning I tried the pump and the bottle and she drank up straight away my poor hungry baby. The exclusive expressers were a great support on BB but I had a few comments from other members that expressing I may lose my milk supply sooner so when this happened I was way too scared to post about it going on.

    The thing is my family have a history of losing milk at about 4 weeks and my GP stressed to me that it was normal and I was in no way harming my baby by feeding EBM and FF combo to my darling girl. Thank god I was feeling like such a crappy Mummy at this stage. Charlotte told me when the EBM that I had stored and was expressing was no longer enough and the formula was what she wanted and at this stage I had absolutely no iron stores and an iron count of 91 which meant she was not getting what she needed from Mum. It was time for me and her to stop the breast milk and move onto full time FF.



    Today she is a happy alert 11 week old girl who loves to sleep in her Mummy?s sling, looks adoringly into her Mummy's eyes when she has her bottles and sleeps every well. We did what we had to, to ensure Mummy, Daddy and Baby are all healthy and well and we can enjoy our lives as a family.

    If you have made it to the end thankyou and if you need support don't be afraid to ask for it there are others out there that have been through the same you are not alone

  2. #2

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    Thats very brave of you honey to put it all out there.

    You know I'm behind you 110% no matter what way you choose to bring up your little girl. I've seen her look adoringly into your eyes whilst feeding, and it touched my heart. You are an amazing mum - with an equally amazing daughter.

    I'm very blessed to have a friend like you in my life!

  3. #3

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    You are such a beautiful mummy and should be so proud of yoursel and the beautiful little girl you have. I hope getting this out has helped you.

  4. #4

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    What a great story.
    At the end of the day you got what you wanted, a healthy baby and you in good enough health to be able to enjoy her.
    Thats all that it needs to be about.
    Congrats xx

  5. #5

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    Thankyou for sharing that Linda! You were one of the first people I really admired when I started reading BB and I felt so privilidged to be in your baby buddy group when I finally got the courage to join. I think you are such a fantastic person and Mum! I can't wait to meet both of you

  6. #6

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    Linda you are an amazing mum! I know it is terrible when things don't go the way we had hoped or planned or dreamed for. But Charlotte really is a happy and healthy baby girl and you do a brilliant job with her.

    I wished (and still wish) I could bf my daughter and have that special connection with her. I know when I read some posts on BB I feel terrible for being a formula feeder. I also didn't tell people on BB when we went to FF for fear of what they would think. In hindsight, you are right, there are so many mummies like me out there who need to know that they are doing a great job no matter how they feed their bubs. Being a formula feeder often means dealing with mummy guilt and we need the support of our mates to get through it.

    FF is no relfection on our abilities as mum's, we are raising happy healthy babes and should be so proud of our efforts!

  7. #7

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    for you Linda.

    I am a little surprised that you have refrained from posting things for fear of retribution and am so sorry that you feel like that. I have always read your posts and thought that you were a wonderfully strong and supportive woman and were always prepared to make your suggestions and give advice and if people wanted to listen that was fine and if they didn't that was fine too - but you have always come across as a special soul with so much love and support to offer others on BB. It makes me sad that there aren't more people like you about and that you haven't always found people to be as open and giving as you are.

    Please remember that every decision you make for your bub is absolutely the best one that you can for them and for you. Granted, having people judge you or tell you that you are endangering your child, or decisions that you make will come back to bite you never helps but I can tell you that as far as I am concerned you are a fantastic Mum and a wonderful member of BB and I am sure that I am not speaking out of turn when I say that we all love you very much and appreciate everything that you add to our little community.

    I think that this post is a wonderful example of people putting it out there because it may just be that at 3 in the morning one dark winter night a desperate mother is second guessing herself not knowing if she is making the right decision and not knowing if she will find the support that she needs.

  8. #8

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    Thank you for sharing your story, Linda. I'm only new on BB and have (still am at times) gone through some issues since DS was born. It's nice to know there are others out there who can relate, that I am not alone and that there is support there if needed. I look forward to meeting you and your lovely Miss C on Friday.

  9. #9

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    I hope you feel a lot better after getting all your feelings out. Not everything goes perfectly to plan all the time, but, in the end you have a beautiful, happy, healthy baby girl. She knows you love her completely, no matter how you feed her, and that is what matters. You are a wonderful mummy, and breast feeding is not the be all and end all.

  10. #10

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    No matter what you do as a mum you will feel "mummy guilt"
    "mummy Guilt" is something we label ourselves with, be happy with your descision no matter what and there will be no guilt.
    no one had children to raise them how jo blo or mrs smith believes we should.. we have them to give them OUR love and OUR family values..

    I think as mums we need to stop expecting the pat on the back from other mums for every choice we make!!
    Its time we pat our own backs and congratulate our selves for making the desicion right for us and our family

  11. #11

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    Linda hun, I'm just going to move this to the parenting de-briefing forum so you can post with 100% certainty of not being judged at all as you work through this, as I know only too well the feelings about feeding.

  12. #12

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    I can totally relate to the feelings of guilt about having to give up breastfeeding. I stopped breastfeeding my DD at 3 months because my milk had dried up and I hadn't realised until I weighed her and she weighed just over 4kg at 13 weeks. It was pretty scary (considering her birth weight was 3.8kg). I didn't use BB at the time and felt very much alone. I didn't look at the signs that it wasn't working for us and just thought I had a very difficult, very fussy baby. Of course she was difficult and fussy - she was starving!

    I think it is great that you post your story on here - it certainly would have helped me. I agree, BM is best for babies, but for women who simply cannot bf their baby, it can be a source of great guilt. Thanks Linda for being so brave and sharing this

  13. #13

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    Thanks everyone!

    Trillian Thanks babe was not sure where to post this but as I said to you in my email it is valuable for others to know as well as me

  14. #14

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    Linda - I know exactly where you are coming from I tuely do!
    I had an emerg c-section not the natual birth that I had my heart set on and I never made any milk at all and after being told it will come and it never did went to FF - Bella is a beautiful alert and amazing 6 month old that is in the 97th percentile for all her stats - I cant ask for more that that of my baby girl.
    No matter how they get here or how they are feed as long as they are loved that all that matters!!
    I hope you feel better and you are a wonderful mummy! Please feel free to PM me anytime and I have and still am going through all that you are.

    Kate xox

  15. #15

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    No worries Linda It will be so valuable for you to have this thread where you can come and hash things out and try to find peace with it all, because it can take a while You may think you are going along just fine and dandy and then something happens to bring it all crashing down again. If you like, have a read of my de-brief here http://forums.bellybelly.com.au/foru...-de-brief.html and you will see that you are not alone. It is something that I did struggle with for a very long time but I have now come full circle. I hope that someday you do too. And never forget that it's not always about the way they are fed - the WHO might not have formula feeding at the top of its list for infant nutrition preferences, but it is still there as sometimes it is the only choice we have isn't it? You can only live for the moment, and not dwell on what could have been because at every stage you did your very best and that's all she is going to know - that she has a Mum who loves her so much that she made the ultimate sacrifice by NOT continuing, to make sure that she had a full belly. You do have to look at it holistically and work out at what point it becomes your need to continue BF'ing through problems as opposed to her needing it kwim? I think there is a lot to be said for taking that view of it - I can't see any point in battling every feed for god knows how long, just to be able to say you did it, when all that time you could have been enjoying every moment of newborn feeding instead of spending every waking moment dreading trying to get it to work. Because this stage is such a short period in their lives that you don't want to reflect back on it in years to come and only have bad memories kwim?
    Last edited by Trillian; June 16th, 2009 at 08:17 PM.

  16. #16

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    Quote Originally Posted by Trillian View Post
    You do have to look at it holistically and work out at what point it becomes your need to continue BF'ing through problems as opposed to her needing it kwim? I think there is a lot to be said for talking a that view of it - I can't see any point in battling every feed for god knows how long, just to be able to say you did it, when all that time you could have been enjoying every moment of newborn feeding instead of spending every waking moment dreading trying to get it to work. Because this stage is such a short period in their lives that you don't want to reflect back on it in years to come and only have bad memories kwim?
    Brilliant point!

  17. #17

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    Great point Shreee and that is what we did at the time what was best for us so we could enjoy our time as baby and Mum.

    I in no way upset by my move for me it was always on the cards so knowing she is healthy is the most important thing.

    Thanks for your story too

  18. #18

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    Trill you are so lovely. What a beautiful post to Linda...

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