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Thread: The wrong parent at home!

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jul 2005
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    Default The wrong parent at home!

    I don't really expect any answers, after all it's parenting so are there any??

    I just hate that I'm probably not the best parent to have so much input into my eldest DD's life. yes I'm her mummy and I love her, and I'm the best mummy I can be to her, but she's SO like my husband. He is able to explain things to her and teach her things which I can't because we are just really different. Our brains work differently, really differently. I know she knows I love her, I know she loves me, I just kinda wish life was such that my DH was able to be around to input more into her life in areas of discipline and stuff. IE. I wish he was around from 3-7.30pm every weekday when the major disciplining issues ie. food, clothing, bathing, helping etc come up. Yes, don't we all wish for an angel at that time of day... The other weekend she had one of her little meltdowns that we seem to have every day and it was SO good for me to NOT be involved. To listen to the conversation(! ok, the screaming and trantrumming) from another room and able to take a step back and see where she was coming from. usually I'm the cause of the problem and right in the middle of it so can't do anything about it.



    Anyway, it's just really frustrating and so annoying and upsetting. I love my DD, I want to help her, and I can't -- yeah, I know welcome to life but I still want it to be different you know?

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Oct 2007
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    Canberra
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    Default

    Hi, just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel. Zoe is just like my ex-hubby and it just infuriates me as I could never really help him, either. Actually she thinks like him half the time and my mother the other half. I think very differently to both of them. I just can't wait for the teenage years!!

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Feb 2008
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    Adelaide, SOUTH AUSTRALIA
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    Smile

    I know where you're coming from, give it time I'm sure it'll change and never judge yourself your a great mum and I'm sure your DD is more like you than you relise remember she's got 1/2 your genes too! As time goes on she'll do things and you'll relise that she takes after you too, I had a simular experience with my daughter and I still think she's more like my hubby but she's got me in her too!
    Hope this helps you to feel better!
    Snoopea

  4. #4

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    Default

    Oh that's no good at all, how frustrating for you.

    BUT you mentioned you could take a step back on the weekend and have a listen in to how your husband manages her. Maybe you could hand her to him and take notes of some sort. How does he calm her, is it the tone in his voice, does he laugh her out of things or take her tanties very, very seriously? For eg.

    Its a bit the opposite here. Its almost like my son and I have the same brain (well we are both Geminis!). I totally get him at all times, he is prone to tanties, screaming and such but I always seem to know what he needs or what caused it. Although when he was a baby Dp was heaps better at settling him than I was..

    For eg - DS can't stand to be hurried or worried. Its his main trigger, even a throw off comment will have him asking questions for hours. I give him directions to what we are doing, what he needs to know. I give it plainly and not too much information.
    Dp is always hurrying him up, never gives him notice, always interrupts what DS doing. He uses stupid slang all the time and gets frustrated when DS asks him what he means, repeatedly. It drives DS spare and Dp can't see what the problem is.
    I get it because that's what I'm like.......the problem with us is that Dp refuses to see his approach isn't working with DS and wont change it .

    It might be tiny things, so do see what on earth it is your DH does and see if it works when you do it???

  5. #5

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    Default

    Nickel,... Lulu's son is another Matilda.... so you can understand where she is coming from

    You are right though, your DD1 is from your DH's and my DH's planet. In a few months, she can come over after school for an hour or we can do dinner together a few nights a week.

  6. #6

    Join Date
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    Default

    Thanks guys!
    It's ironic I suppose, the things I love about my husband (he's patient, takes his time, thoughtful, good at listening, slow to get angry) are the things that drive me insane sometimes ("Oh my god HURRY UP!" or "don't you have ANY opinion on what we are talking about?" and so on). These are the things that press my buttons in my DD1. Her logic isn't like mine - she doesn't make the same connections to reality, sometimes I suspect she and her Dad don't connect with my reality or any version of reality at all.

    Thanks Lulu, I've thought that too. It wasn't so much how he responded to her ( she was being foul that day) but it made me realise that I have to make some of the same allowances for her that I do for my DH. Ie. they don't make decisions easily or quickly, in fact watching DD1 try to make a decision is like watching someone in intense physical pain. she takes AGES to get over things, so a moment of discipline has to then involve 15 minutes of debrief and reassurance and calming down and hugs. I've already moved on before we have started, so I have to make such an effort to be calm with her.

    It's just that she trys so hard with me, and I feel like it's unfair that she has to try so damn hard all the time! I worry about the effect on her self-esteem that she'll think there is something wrong with her, although I hope she listens when I tell her that it's not her fault, mummy is the one with the brain that doesn't work properly! And of course, I worry that she'll think I don't love her, or even worse she'll stop loving me and we'll have one of those horrible mother daughter relationships that some people on BB seem to struggle through with their own mothers. I hate it when people don't "get me" and to have your mum not "get you" must totally suck.

  7. #7

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    Exclamation

    Oh Nic, don't think that will happen. I hazard a guess that those we see with mum struggles also have to deal with the mother not really giving a crap about their children and how they feel. Or pushing their ideals onto them, or neglecting to take an interest, or worse making them feel bad for existing...

    You are doing none of that, you DO care how she feels. You recognize that you and DD bounce off each other a bit - and that happens. My Exh had a son that he just "couldn't get". G was the exact opposite of his father and still is, and it was a bit of work to find common ground and they have. I see a lovely relationship with a geeky computer nerd and his sports loving father...

    You will find a way, don't worry.

  8. #8
    paradise lost Guest

    Default

    Oh dear, reading this thread, as a kid whose mother didn't always "get" her, i am realising 2 things:

    1. DD is VERY like me, and
    2. Sadly I am getting more like my mother with every passing day!

    Hang in their folks, i had almost no relationship with my dad until i was about 17 and we are really really close now. SOmetimes we grow into different aspects of ourselves, you know?

    Bx

  9. #9

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    Sep 2007
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    Perth
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    Default

    Be able to recognise the difference means that your daughter will never think that you don't get her. It's good to talk openly about how your different and sometimes not always right. This has worked for our family. Also it is good to have two different approaches because as your child changes and grows so will the techniques you need to use to manage them.

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