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thread: Really feel like I have failed as parent :-(

  1. #1
    Registered User

    Nov 2006
    brisbane
    3,975

    Really feel like I have failed as parent :-(

    My boys are just out of control :-(



    I have always tried to be a gentle parent with them but also give them clear boundaries. I let them explore and be kids as much as possible.

    They just walk all over me...how can a 2 and a4 year old be ruling our lives like they are?
    I totally lost it the other morning...I asked and asked for them to pack up the toys in their room and get dressed and stop fighting when ds2 kicked ds1 in the head. I had had enough so they both got smacks :-( I never hit them I was just so frustrated that they don't listen....have I done the wrong thing in how I raise them!
    Dh has no patience so I try to be the calm one who tries to parent them as little smart people not as dumb kids. It's so disheartening..I thought I was doing the right thing with natural gentle parenting...then I see parents who are the opposite and the kids are so well behaved :-(
    I just want them to be respectful and to be kinder.
    I just feel like I am failing them :-(

  2. #2
    Registered User

    Dec 2008
    Brisbane, QLD
    5,171

    no advice, I'm living the same thing at the moment.

  3. #3

    Jun 2010
    District Twelve
    8,425

    Im not a "gentle parent" per se, mainly because I think kids need more structure and discipline in their formative years (along with lots of other reasons) but I can say two things...

    Firstly, ALL kids are feral at some stage no matter how they are raised.

    Secondly, other people's kids almost always look better behaved than our own.

    You havent failed.

  4. #4
    Registered User

    Nov 2006
    brisbane
    3,975

    Thanks guys.
    Pay boys are definitely spirited and I love that I need to learn how to parent them without squashing their spirits!
    Plus it's been raining here all week so they are stir crazy :-(

    I am not crafty, I don't play well with what they want to do which usually is superheroes and fighting. I just want to enjoy them :-(

  5. #5
    Registered User

    May 2005
    Canberra
    3,617

    Im not a "gentle parent" per se, mainly because I think kids need more structure and discipline in their formative years (along with lots of other reasons) but I can say two things...

    Firstly, ALL kids are feral at some stage no matter how they are raised.

    Secondly, other people's kids almost always look better behaved than our own.

    You havent failed.
    Yep to this.

  6. #6
    Registered User

    Oct 2007
    Middle Victoria
    8,924

    have you read "raising your spirited child"?

  7. #7
    Registered User

    Jan 2009
    In my own little fantasy world
    2,946

    Sounds like you need to get them out for some exercise. Can you either take them to a playcentre or something like that or let them run wild in the muddy puddles?

    I agree with N2L - other people's kids always seem to behave better than our own. Mine are definately little ferals - but only for me

    I think because they are more comfortable at home they press the boundaries more freely ITMS. Drives us mums mad I know.

  8. #8
    Registered User
    Add Khaleesi on Facebook

    Feb 2007
    Wonderland
    5,383

    You have not failed, your awesome Mum!
    I've known you for 5yrs now & i've seen you grow to be the parent you are today and i can say with all honestly you are not a failure.

    Kids will fight & push the limits, but i'm sure as they get older you will see them develop into beautiful kind hearted children & it will be because you raised them right.

  9. #9
    Registered User

    Nov 2006
    brisbane
    3,975

    They get lots of excercise we are always running riding our bikes and exploring. They just don't listen EVER! I know it's just part of growing and learning but I am not coping :-( I want a time out too.
    They fight about eating they fight about getting dressed anything I do they say no or just run off :-(
    I am mentally exhausted. Everything is suffering :-(

    HotI sounds interesting but how do get both parents to be on the same team? Dh just won't or can't parent like me?

    I am slowly going crazy...but we desperately want another baby! I am so conflicted :-(

  10. #10
    Registered User
    Add Khaleesi on Facebook

    Feb 2007
    Wonderland
    5,383

    It's hard Chick but your doing a fantastic job, My girls are the same as your boys.
    If you want i can write a list of the things my girls do & i'm sure you'll better

    Don't let this put you off having baby, you are a wonderful Mum & stop doubting yourself.

  11. #11
    Registered User

    Sep 2008
    In a cloud of madness.
    4,053

    They get lots of excercise we are always running riding our bikes and exploring. They just don't listen EVER! I know it's just part of growing and learning but I am not coping :-( I want a time out too.
    They fight about eating they fight about getting dressed anything I do they say no or just run off :-(
    I am mentally exhausted. Everything is suffering :-(

    HotI sounds interesting but how do get both parents to be on the same team? Dh just won't or can't parent like me?

    I am slowly going crazy...but we desperately want another baby! I am so conflicted :-(
    OMG!!! I could have written your posts word for word!!!!!! Big BIGGEST I can find!
    I hope that you can find some good ideas that work for you. I have no advice as i'm right there with you. xxxx

  12. #12
    Registered User

    Apr 2006
    Perth
    4,203

    If you swap the DS to DD, and change kick in the head to whack with a plastic baseball bat then you have my house. I grabbed DD1 by the shirt collar the other day because I was so close to losing it that I knew if I didn't do something with that hand it would end up doing an act I would very much regret later. I was talking to some kindy mums the other day and was telling her that I feel like all I am doing these days is screaming, and that I hate it. I had a "soft" moment with DD1 the other day and I honestly couldn't remember the last time we had had a moment like that and I just burst into tears. I don't know what's happening here either but my gorgeous well mannered, obedient (I hate the subservient meaning of that word but hopefully YKWIM), eager to please little girls have disappeared and total monsters have taken their place. General concensus from the kindy mums' chat is that its a stage so I'm just crossing everything that its one that passes oh so very quickly. Its been raining a lot here too which doesn't help.

    In all honesty, having a new baby now is adding to the challenge of dealing with them (a lot to do with the fact that the little monsters know that I can't just get up and deal with issues immediately if I have A on my boob), but please don't let it put you off. My girls also have beautiful moments with their new sister so its not all a nightmare - in fact watching them with her is probably what gets me through the rest of the current crap.

    Hang in there. Hopefully they will all turn a corner soon.

  13. #13
    Registered User

    Oct 2007
    Middle Victoria
    8,924


    HotI sounds interesting but how do get both parents to be on the same team? Dh just won't or can't parent like me?
    Aha, that is a different question. I am still working that one out. A few times DH has tried something that i didn't think would work, and it has. Similarly, he watches me do things and then i see that changes how he parents. I don't think i have all the answers, but there are some things i don't want my kids exposed to. So, there is a bit of give and take but we both have limits and try to respect each others.

    DH won't read the books i get, but is happy to discuss the bits i find interesting. So that's kinda where we are.

  14. #14

    Jul 2009
    Out North, Vic
    8,538

    hun, your not failing at all, your an AMAZING mum and the photo's i see of your boys playing with other kids, they always look so gentle and content.
    I think the thing to remember is EVERY child can push the boundaries (even those who look like perfect angels in public).
    I think you just need to work out a balance (like HotI has suggested) between what works for your DH that you accept and what works for you that he accepts.

    DP and I have different ideas on parenting, i've come to realise that sometimes his way is right and others my way is right - our girls are quite spirited little people too, very full on and into everything and it's not easy.
    Not only are they full on and curious in activites and exploring but also in the attitudes, it's hard finding the right balance.

  15. #15
    Registered User

    Oct 2006
    Adelaide, SA
    3,962

    You haven't failed at all

    We all have our breaking point, I'm not ashamed to say that I have been pushed to the limit and snapped on a couple of occasions. I'm not proud of it, but I am human., and I need to keep reminding myself of that, you should too

  16. #16
    Registered User

    Nov 2006
    brisbane
    3,975

    Thank you all so much for the support and wisdom.
    I know I am expecting too much of them but sometimes I would just love 2 kids that would play quietly :-)

    I am going to get them dressed in some old clothes and take them to a park to play in the puddles :-) and mummy might jump in some too!

  17. #17
    Moderator

    Dec 2006
    Smidgen-ville
    3,736

    boomba - my two are much the same age as yours and honestly, there are days when they just are so full on with each other. I really do dispair sometimes. They just seem to get so intensely frustrated with each other. It's awful sometimes.

    But then there are moments when they love each other so much and come running with the 'ice' when the other one falls over etc. I keep trying to emphasise those moments. (and cling to them for my own sanity). I have a friend who also has two boys the exact same age, and they hardly lay a finger on each other. It's horrible to watch my two on the ground rolling around like crazies!!

    I have recently (like 2.5 weeks ago) started a VERY elaborate reward chart with Mr 4. He is now much quicker to respond and much more likely to stop when asked. This has made me a little more relaxed and i guess this rubs off on them too. Rewards charts never really worked before. This one is.

    Also, i insist that we either walk or bike/scooter every afternoon. This means between 30 mins to an hour, of them not getting in each other's way, and it's usually when they are both a bit tired and grouchy, so more flare ups happen. If it is really really bad weather (You wouldn't be too familiar with that!!!) we make a very elaborate tent thing and do some TV then playtime then tv then playtime ITMS.

    My Mr 2yo still naps most days too, which helps - they both wake up before 6, so it gives them a break and some wind down time.

    I just bought - Taming your spirited child. It's not about taming, like we think of it, but more like helping them to fit themselves into society and be happy. Yael recommended it. I'm not half way through yet, but i'm happy to pass it on as soon as i finish it. No one book has the answers, but sometimes collecting various ideas just helps.

    My Dh parents differently to me. Kids know that no two adults are the same, and they are ok with that. Just like their teachers discipline different and expect different behaviours. Kids understand that, i'm sure.

  18. #18
    Registered User

    Jan 2005
    Down by the ocean
    6,110



    What I discovered with mine was that they had a currency and that was their favourite toys or things. When they were threatened with the loss of them then we could negotiate improvements in their behaviours (ie when you tidy up your room then you can have your superman suit back). This is more for the 4yo than the 2yo though

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