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thread: Really feel like I have failed as parent :-(

  1. #19
    Administrator
    Add Rouge on Facebook

    Jun 2003
    Ubiquity
    9,922

    Whenever we had moments like this we'd go back to the basics. Structured play. Reminders of expected behaviour before situations rather than during when they are already excitable. Praise for the right behaviour. And activities without any boundaries so they can get the sillies out.



    Gentle parenting doesn't mean kids don't have boundaries. And Even when consequences come into play positive reinforcement is still important.

    But I also think when you have two people parenting differently it is hard. You may have to take the reigns more when it comes to boundaries.

    And remember. Get down on their level, be calm, and have consequences. And just because a situation is over doesn't mean that they don't need a debrief and a reminder over a few days. They are learning. You are teaching them. As much as it sucks you are doing a great thing for them. You are teaching them how to live and they are teaching you how to love. Xxx

  2. #20
    Registered User

    Nov 2006
    brisbane
    3,975

    Thanks Lenny and raven.
    Plenty I started a reward chart hoping that ds1 would be excited about the stickers and then a prize at the end.....but no he couldn't care less :-(
    they do have times where they love each other...like now they are quietly watching tv while I get ready but I bet in 5 mins they will be play fighting again and yelling! I know they are boys and need rough and tumble! It's just so hard!

    Asked ds1 if we should go jump in puddles...no mum I want to stay inside :-( I am here in tears thinking omg my kids are just horros that no one will want to come visit or ask us over cause they are so full on...plus we are under a heap of stress with our shop so it's all just too much.
    Eta thanks rouge I needed to hear that actually xx
    What would I do with out you all! Xxx

  3. #21

    Jul 2009
    Out North, Vic
    8,538

    Oh babe, it;'s that horrible time of year too (for business owners) and we start stressing about everything.
    You know what even if he doesn't want to go get him to chuck on some boots and tell him it's time to get out and about, once he's there i'm sure he will run around like a nutter and enjoy jumping in puddles.
    I'm about to get my girls to 'help' me clean the lounge & their rooms, doubt it's going to go smoothly so wish me luck... i might be chucking them out the door INTO a puddle if they don't co-operate (in a nice gentle way of course)

  4. #22
    Registered User

    Jan 2005
    Down by the ocean
    6,110

    Asked ds1 if we should go jump in puddles...no mum I want to stay inside
    You should go do it by yourself then! Great way to blow off steam

  5. #23
    Registered User

    Mar 2007
    6,900

    Amber! You are an amazing parent! I am not just saying that, you are! I know though, when you have times like that it feels like it's all just crap and nothing ever goes right and they never listen. But everyone feels that way. Your boys are gorgeous and they are kind and caring and considerate, I have seen it. I know it looks like everyone's kids are so well behaved and you think omg wtf is wrong with mine because when I'm home they do not LISTEN!! I bet you don't think that my kids really frustrate me and don't listen to me and can hurt each other! I bet you wouldn't believe that I yelled at them just this morning. I bet you wouldn't imagine that I was so frustrated with the not listening yesterday that I wanted to smack DD1 and I was a little too rough with her when I pulled her away from the blinds for the 5000th time. No, I bet you wouldn't think that of me. Because my kids are also gorgeous. They love each other, they can play nicely, they are kind, they are helpful, and we have a lot of fun together. But when things don't go right sometimes it can definitely feel like I have NFI what I'm doing!!

    When I'm getting frustrated with them not doing everything I say I also try to remember my goal! I'm not out to control them, am I being a bit over the top? Does it really matter if they do or don't do this? Or is it something important? Can I help them with it and show them what I want? In the end I don't want kids that do everything I say because they have to or because they fear me. I want kids that think for themselves and are motivated to do the right thing because it's what they want to do, not what they have to do iykwim. And that's why I'm sticking with gentle parenting

    You are doing good. You are having a bad day but that's ok. They won't remember this bad day next week. When things get hard for me it helps if I make a plan. Decide what I'm going to do each day, have some activities up my sleeve for them to keep them occupied. When they are bored trouble starts! lol.

    I think you are totally awesome and I love you and your boys xx
    Last edited by Heaven; June 28th, 2012 at 12:50 PM.

  6. #24

    Mar 2004
    Sparta
    12,662

    You're not a failure. All children are feral and horrible sometimes especially at home.
    Do your children go to childcare? maybe you need a bit more time off. IMO being a hands on parent 24/7 is not natural or normal, it's a symptom of modernity and if you don't have a village at hand you need to outsource some of the things a village would do for you (like taking the children when you're at the end of your tether).

  7. #25
    Registered User

    Jun 2009
    913

    Hugs hun. There have been a few threads like this lately so you're def not alone. I recently did a 123 Magic parenting course. It was really, really good. It gives you a structure and tools for dealing with challenging behaviour, so you aren't having so many negative interactions each day. Is working well with our 2yo. Even if there's no course running near you, there are dvds you can get of it. Check your library.

  8. #26
    Registered User

    Mar 2007
    6,979

    big hugs. I lost It with DD1 this arvo and I feel terrible but she did something very wrong which set me off. She got a smack for it. I hardly rarely ever smack. But do you know what? We are human and they FORGIVE us too.
    Kids need boundaries even with gentle parenting. It's through boundaries that they learn respect.

    My DD1 is highly spirited also, very intelligent and advanced and can get bored easily. Needs interaction with others (me) constantly and it can get a bit full on at times as I try desperately to keep up with her

    I quite often set up different activity stations around the place and invitations to play of a night time so that in the morning when they wake (DD1 is a 530am riser) she has something ready for her to do while I do morning chores. Play dough station, water play area, cars and blocks, pasta necklace making etc those type of things.....

    We all have crap days, yes, even those mums who say they have kids who never have tantrums!!! They aren't telling you everything

    Two kids is busy hey! Fun, but busy!!! I love your idea of jumping in muddy puddles (as peppy pig says!) as my DD1 always says this, we might do this tomorrow!

  9. #27
    Registered User

    Nov 2006
    brisbane
    3,975

    Thank you al, for your support and encouragement.

    We had a lively arvo, then a bath and read some of our favourite books and ds2 went to sleep straight away and ds1 went to sleep all by himself in his own bed!!!!!! The first time since I can remember so to me that's a win!
    Tomorrow is a new day and with all the lovely advice and especially the beautiful messages from Heaven (what would I do without you?) I am going to tackle tomorrow with a big smile :-)
    xxx

  10. #28
    You were RAK'ed in 2015.
    Add beansbeans! on Facebook

    May 2008
    with the fairies and butterflies
    2,535

    You are an awesome mum, your boys are always so happy. And that is an awesome sign!

    My girls have been feral of late. Total disrespect. So after a major exorcist moment, where (I swear DD1's head spun round and snakes came out the top o her head) I took all toys and put them away in the spare room. For two weeks they only had books and each other to play with. As their behaviour improved they got a toy back at a time!
    It has worked wonders for them.

    Also I have limited their experiences, I have given them instructions, and the consequences if they dont follow. And most importantly I have followed through with said consequences. So no toys, especially their favourites. Tv has gone, dancing lessons gone, play dates gone.
    You need to play to their strengths, their likes. Get them to work for what they want. Your boys love super heroes, then use that to get them to do what you want. If they play up then the superhero stuff goes. If they are good they get to play with them. You can be strict but gentle at the same time and it works.


  11. #29
    Moderator

    Dec 2006
    Smidgen-ville
    3,736

    especially the beautiful messages from Heaven
    :yeahthat:

    Yay for the win today. May tomorrow be just as wonderful. xx

    ETA - what Onyx said is true. It's weird that we have become so evolved that we can now be expected to cope with full time parenting. Some people do - and that's great, but hey, it's not what any of our ancestors did. Extended family, friends, neighbours etc all used to be much more a part of our daily lives.
    Last edited by Lenny; June 28th, 2012 at 09:10 PM.

  12. #30
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Jan 2006
    11,633

    Boomba, you sound really overwhelmed and alone! That's no good. How much time do you get to recharge? How much help do you get at home?

    Like everyone has already said, kids do this. You haven't failed.

  13. #31
    Registered User

    Oct 2007
    Perth,WA
    2,942

    Chick as soon as you're awake expect a message from me. I feel EXACTLY like you right now and I've got no one to talk to about it.

    Big massive hugs. Xxx

  14. #32
    Registered User

    Nov 2006
    brisbane
    3,975

    MadB yup I am! I really need some time out from the kids. I really need some time with dh too as our marriage is suffering :-( but we really don't have anyone to watch the kids and i hate asking :-(

    Jules I have pmd you xxx

  15. #33
    Registered User

    Mar 2007
    6,900

    Amber, PLEASE ask me!! We would look after them while you have some time together! It's really no trouble! xx

  16. #34
    Registered User

    Jul 2008
    Melbourne
    3,244

    i agree with pp that gentle parenting doesnt mean no boundaries or no condequences. and i definitely think time out for you is essential. even if it's an hour here & there. and you do need one-on-one time with your dh. i geel that if you lose some of that connection with your partner it makes it that bit harder to parent as a team & stay on the same pahe.

    i know it's no real consolation but my ds is driving me not so slowly insane - the screaming tantrums & pushing other kids. the other day i just started crying - he'd been yelling for 40mins & then hit dd because i had to feed her.

    but then he is also so loving & can be so polite. it's like jeckel & hyde!

    Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2

  17. #35
    Registered User

    Nov 2006
    brisbane
    3,975

    Heaven no you don't need my crazy kids thank you for offering.

    See we have boundaries...well I have them and try to make the kids listen but they just ignore me and keep doing what they were asked not to do...so I give up :-(

    They have times where they are so good and I am so relieved and think ok maybe I am doing something right...but that is very rare!

    Its so hard being a sahm and having them 24/7 i love them but just need a break!

  18. #36
    Registered User

    Jan 2010
    Shoe Heaven
    4,839

    Boomba if I was there I'd take them in a heartbeat to give you and G a break together.

    You are an amazing mum, if I can be half the mum you are then I will have had a major win!

    In our family, when the kids would get feral, they'd be dropped off individually at family, one at each family member. Could you do that? Even for a few hours to give you and G a break.

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