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Thread: who would allow this ?

  1. #37

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jaycee View Post
    Have you ever been a step parent Lime?

    Don't want to offend, but your post is a little offputting. The lady is not taking "someone else's kid" she's taking her step-son, who lives with her 50 percent of the time. It's not odd at all that she's willing to do it. And also, the child is 3, she doesn't need to be in the water with him.

    No, I haven't ever been a step-parent, so maybe that is why I don't get it? I am sorry if my post was "offputting", whatever that means, I didn't mean to be. I won't bother trying to explain what I meant, just see Rogue's post below.
    My apologies if my post upset you, it certainly was not my intent.

    ETA: I was still required to be in the pool with my 3 year old, so his age isn't some magical beacon that makes my question irrelevant.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rouge View Post
    I think I read the first post differently to everyone else. I took it as she was concerned for the step mum because her husband is manipulative. I've got friends who are step parents and friends who are separated. And I know the parents would want to be a part of extra curricular activities, not to exclude the step parents. Not because they love the child more or anything horrible. And not expect the step parent to do it, it's not offensive to the step parents unless either parent is incapable. No one is suggesting that. I asked DH and he said that if it was him he wouldn't want her to do it so she could enjoy that special time. Not because she's an invalid. But because it's a special time. His second comment is he'd want to be at the lessons himself. If it were unavoidable sure. But in all the shared care situations we are privvy to unless it can't happen both parents prefer to be a part of these situations. It's not to be offensive, they are their parents. Why wouldn't they want to be there?

  2. #38

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    Look into the legalities.

    I know a friend of mine went through this with her DS and XH. The XH wanted full custody and was not prepared to give up any of his long work hours, his girlfriend would do school pick ups. The courts said no, family member of the DS or paid person, not a girlfriend. So the DS's grandmother or a Nanny (egs) could pick him up/take him to lessons, but not a girlfriend. Cos if something happens (heaven forbid) the hospital cannot act unless it is a blood relative OR a paid person who has a sheet of paper to say they can act on a child's behalf. De facto relationship wouldn't count here.

    Plus, if you want to do swimming lessons - tell your X no, you're doing swimming lessons or it HAS to be on a day you can attend too.

  3. #39

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    Limelice : i didnt take what you said in offense i totally agree with you

  4. #40

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    [QUOTE=The Flying Butter;3170446]Look into the legalities.

    I know a friend of mine went through this with her DS and XH. The XH wanted full custody and was not prepared to give up any of his long work hours, his girlfriend would do school pick ups. The courts said no, family member of the DS or paid person, not a girlfriend. So the DS's grandmother or a Nanny (egs) could pick him up/take him to lessons, but not a girlfriend. Cos if something happens (heaven forbid) the hospital cannot act unless it is a blood relative OR a paid person who has a sheet of paper to say they can act on a child's behalf. De facto relationship wouldn't count here.

    Plus, if you want to do swimming lessons - tell your X no, you're doing swimming lessons or it HAS to be on a day you can attend too.

    Very very interesting and i will look into it

  5. #41

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    Do you have any parenting orders in place? I ask merely because this is something that would come under extra curricular activities for the child which would in most cases facilitate you attending to watch even if it does not fall on your time as shared parental responsibilities. Which can be both a blessing and a curse.

    I dont want to make too much comment on the rest, honestly she is an adult and while you know him, you don't know her or their relationship. She has the ability to say no at any point in time, just like you do (and obviously in the end did). Concentrate on the important stuff, your children, not her and his relationship. While its admirable that you are concerned, its not really your place anymore. So long as the kids are well cared for then don't sweat the small stuff.

  6. #42

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    Quote Originally Posted by BlackCat View Post
    Do you have any parenting orders in place? I ask merely because this is something that would come under extra curricular activities for the child which would in most cases facilitate you attending to watch even if it does not fall on your time as shared parental responsibilities. Which can be both a blessing and a curse.

    I dont want to make too much comment on the rest, honestly she is an adult and while you know him, you don't know her or their relationship. She has the ability to say no at any point in time, just like you do (and obviously in the end did). Concentrate on the important stuff, your children, not her and his relationship. While its admirable that you are concerned, its not really your place anymore. So long as the kids are well cared for then don't sweat the small stuff.
    Thanks i hear you and yes she is an adult and like many of us she will need to learn the hard way .... but i do hear you and i wont be stressing too much on the small stuff ....

  7. #43

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    Can I be controversial here for a minute? This should probably be read in conjunction with my earlier post....

    When does a girlfriend/boyfriend/de facto of an ex become the "step parent" to your child? Maybe my attitude is colored by my own experiences but I don't think someone automatically becomes a step parent by virtue of their relationship with the ex.

    It takes years to build up a relationship with a child. It is a title that is earned after a significant period of time in my opinion.

    In Bubno3's case I know her ex and his GF have been together less than a year. Is that long enough? I would argue not.

  8. #44

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    I'm with N2L on this one. When I read the original post I thought "Oh no, no-one but me would be taking my DD to swimming lessons!" If not me, then DH. Admittedly I felt a little stronger about it as I imagined her in the water with my DD, as she's younger and can't swim on her own. But still, things like this are, to me, bonding times between parent and child. I wouldn't be comfortable with someone else doing this, especially my ex's gf of less than a year.

    For me, the fact that she'll have a three week old bub makes no difference. What she does and where she goes with the bub has nothing to do with me. But I wouldn't like my child's father deciding he wants her to do swimming lessons and then giving responsibility of it to his gf (who, btw, I wouldn't consider to be a step-parent yet).

  9. #45

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    xxxxxxxxxxxx
    Last edited by bubno.3; August 8th, 2012 at 02:10 PM.

  10. #46

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    I on the other hand would disagree, and to me it would be looked at on a case by case basis. Marriage isnt everything. She has a child with the ex husband, so like it or not, these children have a half sibling to this other woman. So even though it is a small amount of time in the scheme of things, this is a permanent connection that has been made to both the children and her. What they do with that connection is anyones guess. But to me, I would consider her actions of wanting to be involved with the children and the fact there is this permanent connection to be well on the way (if not already) in step parenting territory. That is just my opinion of course.

  11. #47

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    In regards to step-parenting, I think it would make an interesting thread to read about people's opinions and experiences but briefly; I don't think there is a hard and fast rule nor is it defined by an arbitrary amount of time or event like marriage because it isn't about just being present but being an active part. I think the only people who can make that call are the parents, child and adult in question because every situation is so unique. DP is definitely considered DD1's step-parent and we have only been together about a year (we are also not married) but the important people in DD1's life (me, her, her dad and DP) all agree and acknowledge the parent-like relationship he shares with her and have reflected as such in our parenting orders.

    In this situation it doesn't sound like everyone is on the same page and I guess that makes it more complicated.

  12. #48

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    I have been the child in this situation (birth mother, step father) and as the child, I personally was very glad that the step father was allowed to act as a father in all respects, go to events with me, etc etc, because it provided stability. I understand you think this other woman is not in that role yet, but it is something to think about for the future.


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