Pregnancy after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth ~ November 2010

Beata - poor Cam and you - being such celebreties and getting so much attention.... where abouts in China are you?

beata, I guess you just have to think of it as an adventure! I would have a hard time with all of the attention as well. I hate it when strangers touch my babies! I am sure it is taking some getting used to. Are you only there for 6 months or is it longer?

Hi Dory and Laney! I'm leaving to go back home next week so we're back home a week before xmas, and then maybe back again in January but I'm trying to get out of it as I really don't like it here. DF will be back in early January for about 8 weeks. I miss him heaps when he's away but I think I'll be happier back home. It's going to be freezing here in January whereas at home it will be a nice hot summer. It's already pretty cold here. Today we went to see the pandas at the Shanghai zoo, it was fun but bloody cold!! Can't wait to be back home and put up my xmas tree :)

Hope your wee ones are giving you plenty of joy! Cam is so cute he's becoming a real little boy instead of a cute little baby!

Big hugs xxxxx

MO4 - congratulations hun, xoxoxox

how is everyone going, i havent beenin here for ages

JLK - hard to believe Tehya is 5 months old already - but then Hannah is 12 weeks tomorrow ( not according to my ticker tho.. not sure what's going on there). All good here. Guess you're too busy to drop in more often?

Beata - that sounds so cute - seeing the Panda's in China. We saw some at the San Diego Zoo when DH was living in the US and I was over visiting. I know what you mean about missing them but being happier at home. Hope you enjoy putting up your tree... we've gotten ours out of the cupboard but it's not up yet.... perhaps this week? I love christmas but have never really enjoyed putting up the tree. Guess I had better get my mojo there as it's something I am looking forward to doing with Hannah. Are you sad that Cam is not so much a little bubba anymore?

Laney - hello to you and your gorgeous boys.

M04 - hope you are managing the sleepless nights.

All good here. Just tired. So taking it easy. Might brave the shops to get a photo with Santa today, or maybe not. I had been hoping to go at 10 ( it's now 11.15 ) but Hannah was asleep but has now woken up.

Hi!
Just wanted to drop in and let you know that I had my final ultrasound yesterday and all went to plan :dance: My cervix is holding strong at 4.1cm and bubs is growing perfectly. So, no more scans needed and we wait to meet the little one now in person...
I have been living a pretty normal life the last couple of weeks, back at work 5 days a fortnight and getting out and about so it was good (and a bit of a surprise) to see that none of that has had an effect on my cervix. What a breeze this pregnancy has been in comparison to last! We dont plan to have any more so its nice to think we might be able to farewell this chapter of our lives with a somewhat "normal" pregnancy :)

Beata, hope you enjoy putting up that tree and the hot weather! Do you guys have a date/month in mind for when you will start trying again once your DF is back for good?

Dory - great to hear things are going well with you and little Hannah. Did you get your santa photo? I dont think we will bother this year; trying to get Kaitlyn to hold still for a photo at the moment is just impossible and she doesn't seem too keen on the man in red either lol.

Laney - hope the good nights of sleep are continuing! Both your boys are just adorable.

Hi to everyone else, hope the week is going well for everyone :)

jo, I was so excited to see that everything went great with your scan! I figured now that things were "easier" this time around you would be thinking about another one after this :) Would you be okay with two girls?
I was thinking 2 would be enough for us but then we found out that we were having another boy. I never really cared if we had boys or girls but after we lost Shelby I wanted another girl. I know that I am very very lucky to have 2 healthy boys. I don't know if I am pushing our luck...

Funny you say that Laney - when I was pg with Kaitlyn I remember saying that I would be really upset if my only son was not here with us and that I would want another boy in the future. But then after Kaitlyn was born that didnt really matter to me anymore and it still doesn't - not sure why & maybe I will feel differently when this bub is born should it turn out to be a girl, but I just feel so blessed and Kaitlyn has brought us sooo much joy that now it doesnt matter to me what sex we have. I don't really see our future with more than 2 living children in it so I really think this is it for us!

Funny story about that - when I was pg with Luke I was getting out of the shower one day (probably about a week or 2 before we lost him) and I suddenly was struck with this thought that we were going to have 3 children. We had only ever discussed having 2 so it was a really strange thought and quite a strong feeling and I remember thinking to myself "thats weird, maybe we will really love being parents or something"... never would have imagined then that it might come true and 1 of our children we would never see grow up :( Weird hey?

jo, I think that maybe there is still a lot that I need to deal with after my losses. I feel very sad and a bit depressed when I am no longer pregnant (even with a healthy bub in my arms). Maybe that is why I am not at peace with the two beautiful boys that I have. There is no guarantee that I will ever have another healthy baby. Even if we have 5 more healthy bubs they might all be boys.

I have always had this feeling that I would have 4 babies.... weird. I hope now that it really will be 5 at some point.

Jo - awesome news about your scan and the ole cervix staying long! ( and closed). Well done! What a relief to be "normal" ... it is a good way to bring this bubba into the world. I did end up going to get photos with the man in red. Hannah was in the christmas dress that Grandma made for her and looked ever so cute. She didn't puke or poo on Santa so it's all good from there. The "grandies" are going to love the pic. I sent it to them yesterday.

I agree - not really worth forcing Kaitlyn into a photo with someone she's not too keen on.

Jo and Laney - I don't know what number of children that I think we'll have. I didn't expect to have 4 and only 1 at home. I do think I would like a sibling at home for Hannah so fx. Laney, I was pretty keen to be pregnant again too, despite how hard it is for me, I would and will do it again. The desire to be pregnant again seems to have lessened just a bit this last week or so, but I missed it so much. But for me it's also the "race to 40", so in a sense there is some self imposed pressure to get through another pregnancy before 40.

Laney - speaking of a lot to deal with, I had a counselling appointment today. I took Hannah who was a delight. I hadn't been since about week 8-10 of my pregnancy with Hannah, so there was lots to talk about. But I must have gone there today with a sense of peace. I used to always have one when I left even if I didn't realise I needed a counselling session, but today, I just came away with some good ideas on how to approach some things. But grief work is never done.....

Beata - did you get snow? did you put up your tree? Do you like bbq pork buns? San chow Bau? ( Not sure of the spelling) I love them at yum cha...

dory, I am happy to read that counselling has been helpful to you. i have never tried it myself...my doctor has given me a phone number to set up a counselling appt. many time. I just never had the courage to go. I might have to look into it again. I feel like I have been coping rather well but some good ideas on how to approach some things sounds helpful.

It is nice to know that I am not the only one who misses being pregnant. I was so uncomfortable and so ready for Brexton to be born by the end...but now I miss it :)

Hello lovely ladies,
wow lots of things have been happening in here, I now have plenty of time to catch up on everyones news. My Dr put me off work because my blood pressure is too high. But bub is ok and travelling along well. I hope you are all well, i better go cook tea now. I'll catch up later.

Laney.... it helps that I found someone I clicked with....

Sam - awesome look at you now 32 weeks! what is your bp? mine is still a little high... 138/75.... dr said might take 6 months to go back to normal after I developed pre eclampsia and hellp right at the end of the preg. good to slow down before bubbs comes anyway....enjoy it.

Hiya all again :) Sorry I don't post here often, I do read along at times though :)

Stupid doctor last week said we were supposed to book in for our next ultrasound for next week... but didn't give us a referral form :doh: Do you think if we called them, they'd let us in anyway? I want to see my baby again before the New Year! Or maybe after my little meltdown the other day, I could just go through the Emergency Department and say I've been having decreased movements? :think:

Dory, Hi, Thanks. Yesterday i was 140/90 but last week before i finished work i was something (sorry i can't remember) /105. My Ob has put me on BP tablets which i'm not too keen about, and i have K antibodies on my blood type so they are sending me to Newcastle to have more tests. If Bub gets jaundice after she's born she could need a blood transfusion. So at the moment i'm quiet worried about her.

Teni, hi! I have done the same thing, so i just rang the dr's surgery and i just went in and picked one up the next day no appointment nessesary.

Hi to everyone else, i hope you are all traveling along well! :)

Hi
Just popping in to wish you all a VERY merry xmas!!

Dory, how cute is your little Hannah bear?! Love the new photo on your ticker -she is just adorable.

Teni - I don't think you need to go through emergency anymore seeing as how far along you are. Can't you just ring the labour ward? Usually they'll ask you to go up for some monitoring. Although that probably doesn't help with the u/s thing as they'd probably just hook you up to the monitor.

Sam - hope they can get/keep your BP under control and bubs has no issues after birth. Good luck with your extra tests.

Nothing to report here - had my GD test over the weekend and seeing as I haven't heard from my ob I presume all is good with that. Bubs is moving around enough to keep me fairly stress-free so that is nice too :)

Hi to everyone else and hope everyone has a lovely xmas with their bumps and bubs.

Well, I ended up going into Emergency on Friday because I was stressing. All is well :) I blogged in massive detail about it if anyone wants a read - should be the second post down if you click my ticker :D

Hi girls - Merry Christmas to you and your gorgeous passengers....

Sam - I can understand why your Dr is worried.... but those levels aren't really bad :) Scary stuff being told you bubs may need a transfusion, but at least the transfusion will wash away all that billirubin that bubs immature liver is unable to process and bubs gets to go to the "salon" - for some photo therapy.

Jo - aw schucks... thankyou! I think she is just adorable, but I am soooooo bias. I saw some pics of me about over chrissy and oh man, this girl is even better looking than I was as a bub! Yep I'd presume your GD test was ok if you've not heard anything! How are you feeling? 29 weeks! Almost to the magical 30 weeks... then less than 10 weeks to go. How did Kaitlyn enjoy her Christmas? She's 20 months old, so I'd guess she was right into it. Bet she got tired though....

I hope you had a peaceful christmas watched over by your darling precious angels. We did. Though poor Hannah caught a cold Christmas eve.... she was so congested, but she is such a dear sweet girl, even admist feeling dreadful she managed to brighten our time with a gorgeous smile. Honestly, my world just stops in those moments...

Teni - good to see your ticker moving along - 28 weeks now.... will have to read your blog to see how you are going. Glad you got your scan and that all is ok. I know these coming weeks will be even harder.... sending you lots of strength.

I've been away at the In-Laws place by the beach since Christmas Eve and haven't had phone reception or internet access, got back late yesterday morning, but have been crazy buisy tying to sort out centrelink issues (I forgot to ring up last friday d'oh!) and I didn't get a payment yesterday so had to sort it all out today, so hopefully (fingers X'ed) it will be in my account this friday so I can buy some food... because we are running out of milk and andh ave no fruit left and DS has decided to develop a humungous appetite once again (I can just see another growth spurt on it's way again) and is eating everything under the sun.

Other news, still getting Braxton Hicks most of the day every day, saw the OB again today (I really like him, hubby does too, which is good) and as of this morning my BP was 120/80, Little Miss Dragonfly was doing fine, fundal height was measuring at 32wks - so only 5 weeks ahead now instead of the 6wks ahead that it was back when I was 22wks - and we are still on semi-permanent couch rest because of the braxton Hicks and I get to have another scan at 36wks to see how big Little Miss is and to check amniotic fluid levels... Dr Danso also had a chance to look at my records from DS and has deduced that DS may have become posterior while I was pushing (we thought we'd managed to turn him round the right way and face backwards before I got fully dilated) and that might explain why I had to have a c-section with him...

SO, that means...

We have now been given the go-ahead to try for a VBAC!!! YAY!!! So excited, but also a bit apprehensive as I was planning on having an active labour this time around (I had an epidural with DS and was on my back unable to move or feel my legs and stuck to monitors for the entire time I was in active labour) and i've now been told that I will be allowed to go into labour naturally as long as I don't go past 41.5-42wks because they don't want to put extra straight on my scar and want to avoid as much intervention as possible, but I will have to be monitored continuously as soon as I turn up at the hospital to make sure that Little Miss doesn't start to get stressed or anything... so no long hot showers or time in the gorgeous bath I saw in the birthing suite the other week :( Oh well, maybe I could get away with staying in the bath at home and *losing* track of time and end up having the homebirth I've found myself dreaming of once a week hehehe

So anyway, have the GTT test tomorrow morning at 8:30am, I'm going to really hate not having my morning coffee and plum jam on toast, but I'm sure I will survive, and then I get to do a tour of the maternity ward at 3pm on the 5th :) Which should be fun and then I see Dr Danso again on the 19th at 30wks...

Sorry for no persies, haven't got much time spare right now so just doing quick update posts.

Hope everyone had a great Christmas and that you'll all have a wonderful new year!

Jenna - it's so nice to hear that things are going so well... and yay for VBAC!!! Hope the GTT went well today and the drink stayed down and you weren't too woozy from not having toast and jam. My DH loves plum jam...me? lately more of a marmelade girl.

Happy new year girls! Hope everyone had a nice xmas and a more exciting evening than I did last night... although with bubs and bellies, I am guessing we all had a pretty low key NY eve :lol:
We just got back from a lovely 4 nights away - 2 nights at the ILs and 2 nights in the Hunter Valley. DH was happy being driven around to lots of wineries for tasting and Kaitlyn was so well behaved and didn't mind getting in and out of the car. As long as The Wiggles kept on playing on the CD player she was happy...

I am 30 weeks tomorrow!! Can't believe it, things are really moving fast now and I have organised nothing!

Jenna, great to hear that you will get a chance with your VBAC! My SIL is also hoping for one after an emergency c/s but due to my niece being a hefty 10lb she is a little worried in case this bub is another big one :o
In regards to monitoring, I was induced with Kaitlyn and had the drip and also the monitor thing stuck in the top of her head but I was able to move off the bed and walk a little bit around the bed and I did most of my labouring on my knees bent over a lounge chair so don't panic that monitoring will mean you stuck on the bed on your back unable to move at all. I hope it all goes the way you wish it to.

I see my ob on Wed and will discuss stitch removal dates and all that jazz. If he wants to do the same as last time, this stitch will be out and bub possibly here in 8 weeks time! :)

Hi Ladies! Just checking in on everyone! Brexton is awake a lot more during the day all of a sudden so I get very little computer time :( I hope everyone had a great Christmas and new year!

Jo, Congrats on 30 weeks! Can't wait to read when your stitch will be removed!

Wow. Thirty one weeks and three days today... At this gestation with Ianto, we didn't realise we were four days off the worst time of our lives. This was probably about the last point I felt him kick :cry:

I think I'm going to need some hands to hold over the next few days...

And again, sorry for never doing persies in here :hide: I do read along when I can!

:heartbeat:

Just poping in to say hi
and to let you know i have been thinking of you Teni
xx

Teni - such a tough time for you right now, so scared for Cookie remembering your pregnancy with Ianto....but have faith sweetie that your little Cookie will make it through, and if you can't then I will for you.... BIG HUG.

Hope you're ok with the flooding in Vic ( I have no idea where Lalor is.. )

Teni, I remember literally holding my breath till the 21 week mark as that's when I said goodbye to Josh, but as soon as that was over I felt soooooo much better and I was heaps more relaxed. Hoping it will be the same for you hun. Will have you and your precious Ianto in my thoughts in the coming days. Big hugs hun and YOU AND COOKIE CAN DO IT!!!!!!!

Love b xxxxxx

Haven't been on much lately, trying to get my GD under control at the moment. So far breakfast is sorted out, dinner is half way there and we're now working on lunch time, but any time it's hot or muggy my blood glucose levels go through the roof, so it's a big balancing act.

Hope everyone else is ok.

Hi!
Just checking in on everyone!

Hey Laney! How are you going? For a while Laney was one of the names on my list of names for girls. I only remembered that just now. Hope you and your gorgeous boys are well - hard to believe that Brexton is almost 3 calendar months old.

Teni - how are you doing? Are you feeling any different since 32 weeks?

Hmm was hoping for a longer stint, but it seems one sleep cycle is it for this morning for Hannah. Toodles

It's becoming all that more real - I get to take this baby home after I give birth! :o Since when does that happen to me?

Had a little cry over one of my gifts from my baby shower on Saturday - just a baby monitor - because I think my auntie expected me not to remember that she'd told me she was buying it for Ianto. Come to think of it, it's quite possible some of the gifts I received were originally meant for him... :cry:

Also, Cookie's been "naughty" the past week and is either changing his/her sleep cycles or just not moving around as much during the day. Where I'd grown used to massive movement mid-afternoon, now it ALL comes around 2am! :shakehead:

Teni - god to hear that you are starting to feel a little more positive.

I am so proud of you for having a baby shower - I couldn't muster the courage for H (or indeed energy and being on bed rest does make it harder to get it organised and play hostess.... but have had some nice celebrations since) Just think of some of the gifts as gifts from Ianto to Cookie...

Pity Cookie has changed to a night owl! Much harder for you.. but a very special time to enjoy Mummy and Cookie time.. besides Cookie is just getting you prepared for those 2am wake ups once here!

dory, the boys are doing great. We have a lot more good days than bad so I am happy. Brexton is a great sleeper so I have been well rested and ready to take them on all day.
We are already thinking about Grayson's second birthday! It sure does go fast!

Teni, I am so happy that you decided to have a baby shower. That is something that I didn't have the strength for. We did have a little party after Grayson was born but it just wasn't the same.

Jo, how have you been doing? You sure are getting close now! Do you have a date for the stitch removal?

Hi girls
Sorry have been MIA - am such a slacker when it comes to posting :redface:
Laney, thanks I am doing really well! Bubs is head down (low according to my ob last week) and everything seems to be going well. Getting to that uncomfortable stage though with movements pushing and prodding all over the place. I am getting quite impatient now to meet this little one! Bring on March :D

We have a tentative date set for the 3 March but we aren't really telling people the exact date, other than parents of course who need to be on hand for babysitting DD. So, exactly 1 month tomorrow OMG :o

I have been starting to think about the labour now and I went in to the hospital a couple of weeks ago to see my birth records from Kaitlyn as I couldn't really remember exact times of labour - anyway, I was in active labour for 3hrs 50 mins, pushed for 14 mins and placenta came 2 mins after delivery. So according to the midwife a VERY efficient labour and I should expect things even quicker this time. I can sort of see now why my ob doesn't really want to send me home after the stitch removal now as he is worried I will deliver at home lol.

Teni -so good to hear you had your baby shower and Cookie is doing well. Do you have a date for delivery set? Sorry, can't remember if you are going natural or having a c/s?

Laney - I want a good sleeper please like you have! Putting my order in now... :lol: How did Grayson go with the OT the other day?

Hi to everyone else - hope the floods in QLD and VIC didn't affect anyone here and I really hope that you are all far away from the mega cyclone hitting tonight up north. Scary stuff.

All natural, but they're pushing induction :wall:

I had a small meltdown last night on my blog - made the mistake of watching a video I made with Ianto's photos and started thinking how much I wish I could touch his skin again :cry:


Sent from my iPhone so forgive the speelung misstacks ;)

jo, Brexton is the best sleeper! I am so spoiled. He sleeps 9-10 hours everynight and hasn't been up in the middle of the night since week 4! He doesn't sleep/nap much during the day but it is a small price to pay.

Grayson did very well with the OT. They just play with interesting new toys and food items. I was a bit worried because he didn't take a nap. He is now classified with sensory processing disorder. It is a bit scary but I know that it is just a small delay and that he will grow out of this at some point. He just hates to touch or eat anything new. We start a play group on Friday and I am going to get him into another therapy group. Right now he only has therapy for an hour each week. A lot to deal with all at once but we are making the best of it. Thanks for asking

Do you have a room ready for bub yet? It sounded like you were putting it off.


Teni, it is good to look at photos and have a melt down once and a while.

Jo - wow - a month to go.... that is so exciting. I stayed around for observations for half a day after my stitch removal.... I was sad that there was no action. You were VERY efficient with DD - though probably didn't feel like it for you at the time. Glad you're uncomfortable as it means everything is as it should be.

Laney - Glad Grayson was ok at the OT - it is a lot to deal with but you'll get there.. you're a super mum after all. Is Brexton 11 weeks old already? H is almost half a pregnancy old... LOL.

Teni - a meltdown is one of the ways to stay in touch with Ianto ..... hugs. Be strong like Tegam was - she refused an induction and it was all good.

Hi Everyone,
I hope you don't mind me joining you in here :pray:. I've ummed and aahed about when is the ideal time and since I'm 14 weeks along, feel ready. Also I'd love to hear how you felt in the early pregnancies, emotionally. I've been up and down heaps and today was a really rough day. I felt so anxious and like I was never going to cope with another baby. I have a gorgeous 2.5 year old son and we lost our first son at 19.5 weeks pregnant and have had two miscarriages since TTC this baby. I know it's normal to be scared and feel overwhelmed but I'm also petrified of depression (not sure why, just have always been scared about it). I started suffering occasional anxiety after losing our first baby and have had it on and off for 4 years. I feel so blessed to be pregnant and love my little bun to bits, but on days like today, the mere thought of going through the stress of pregnancy and early parenting just felt way too much :-(

Well that's a bit about me and I'm looking forward to getting to know you guys. I recognise some "faces" and hope you don't mind having me. I promise, I'm not always doom and gloom :-)

Powelly - welcome! Congratulations too on your glorious BFP and pregnancy. And hugs for having such a rough day :)

How brave of you to join this thread... I know it takes a lot of courage, or at least it did for me, to join a pregnancy thread ( and now they can't get me to leave...lol). Next step my sweet is a ticker... it took me til 18 weeks to get up the courage to do one and honestly I wish I'd done it sooner.... in some many other ways I celebrated the pregnacy with Hannah, but then in some crucial ways where I needed to demonstrate it to others I couldn't? I suppose we all do what we need to in order to get through. I would put my hand on my tum every day, usually lots of times throughout the day, inhale, close my eyes, and just revel in the joy that right now right at this very minute, I am pregnant and growing a new life within me. It really helped calm me down and connect with the baby that is now Hannah. But then it took me ages to join a pregnancy thread, to get a ticker, to set up a nursery, to actually beleive that I would get to bring Hannah home.

First of all, you will cope with early parenting. Yes it can be challenging, but you've done it already and you can do it again. It will be different to parenting DS, but your new bubs is their own person, who has two big brothers. But you will cope and you will be an awesome mum. So put that worry aside for now....

Second of all - even though I can't say from my own experience ( yet...) I expect that after actually having the wonder of parenting an earthside bubba that a pregnancy following loss is even more arduous both emotionally and physically, than one after loss. How do I express this without sounding insensitive? A loss of any baby is completely devastating, but once you've had an earthside bubba, there's more understanding of the realities of what is lost? For me, now that I get to parent Hannah, I more keenly miss the opportunities I could have had with Amelia, Nicholas and Sophie, more than I did before Hannah. Before it was more me just imagining what the realities of parenting were, rather than actually having experienced them. Seriously? If I lost any future pregnancies, I think I'd go batty. Seriously. I think that would be the end of any semblance of sanity.

So having said all that? I guess I am trying to say, as you already know from your own experience pregnancy after loss is a tough journey and I think this journey now will be even more demanding. But having said that, I have every confidence that you will make it through. You are a beautiful and resilient woman, and you can do this.

That's understandable being worried about depression.... if you think about it, you're saying you're worried about loss of control. I remember feeling petrfied of depression too both ante and post natal. I think what I did was first of recognise it, then explore it and then just accept those fears. It's almost that once I did that I was less worried about it... sort of I took away the fear of the unknown. Didn't mean I banished the fears completely, but most of the time, I didn't let them have power over me. Ahh, back to control.... one of the mantra's I try to tell myself is accepting that there is only a perception of control.... but to also focus on the things I can control... which is in essence how I choose to respond to things. Damn hard, that one.

If you feel that your anxiety is getting on top of you then seek help. Honestly, to look after your DS and the baby you're growing now, you need to look after yourself. Also there's no need to carry more burden's than you already are - why make the journey harder?

About getting through the pregnancy? My tip? Take it one moment at a time. It's such a big journey ... right now it feels insurmountable, like climbing Mt Everest, but if you focus on the now or break up the journey into smaller parts, it seems much more manageable.

And about the thoughts of not being able to cope with another baby? Mums who haven't had loss think that too...

Go gently on yourself, this is a very hard time. And always feel free, whether it's doom and gloom or not, to ask for support and express your thoughts in here. That's what we're here for - to listen, and try and help you through.

Hey guess what? You're pregnant! That is just the most amazing miracle and right now, you are doing the most important thing ever - being a mum.

Beautiful words Dory - I can't really add anything more to what she has said other than to welcome you to the group with a big hug :hug:

I totally 2nd Dory too in what she said about taking it one moment at a time; I found it really helped me to break it up into smaller goals rather than just the 1 big one at the end. Each little milestone makes the journey that much easier.

Laney - so good to hear Graysons OT is going well. Our baby room is on its way to ready finally! It has been our guest room so I had to get rid of the furniture... ebay has been good to me :D We have everything now except for a new cot mattress. DH was busy this afternoon installing Kaitlyns new car seat and dismantling the double bed ready for the ebay buyer to pick up later this week so the room is a work in progress at the moment. Give me till the end of the week though and it will be a different story lol!

Can't believe I hit 35 weeks today!! Aargh not long to go now!!!

Angellukesmum - thank you so much for the warm welcome and your words. Wow, 35 weeks! That's fantastic. It must feel nice to be on the other end of the pregnancy, although I'm sure you have a different set of feelings with the impending birth. Very exciting!!

Dory - you are the most amazing person and thank you so much for making me welcome and validating my feelings. You hit so many nails on the head and I did shed a few tears reading your reply. The control thing is a massive issue for me and it's been that way since I can remember, only it got worse after losing our little man. You made me realise that my fear of depression is just that, fear of losing CONTROL. That's why I over analyse my day to day feelings. If I wake up feeling flat, I automatically fear the worst. It's something I need to do more work on and I'm seeing a psychologist who is helping.

You are right too about finding this pregnancy harder, after the birth of my beautiful son. When I was pregnant with him, (after the loss), I had never known the beauty of having a child. All I could do was get to the next step in the pregnancy and I never once thought about what would happen when he arrived. Honestly, didn't read one thing about what to do with a baby. Being pregnant this time, and knowing what we have with him (and also what comes when bub arrives) is certainly harder to deal with for me. I could never understand why I felt that way but you helped me make sense of it.

I have so many wonderful family and friends all ready to help (sadly we haven't told anyone other than family that we are pregnant as we want to get the all clear at the 20 week scan first). This safety net is leading to a lot of isolation, hence why I found it so important to get myself in here to this wonderful thread. Those people I love so much are supportive and trying to help, but none of them have experienced the loss of a child so they don't truly understand. Not their fault, it's just the way it is.

Anyway, after my awful day yesterday, I decided to start thinking about today. Not tomorrow, not when the baby comes, just today. What's happening right now. What can I do to make today great. I'm sure there will be many more rough days, but instead of freaking out about my coping abilities in 6 months time, I need to relax.

Once again, THANK YOU. I really am so grateful to have such wonderful understanding support.