Partner wants me to have a termination!!!

Big hugs.
Personally I wouldn't terminate just because dp thinks you should, it should be a mutual decision that you BOTH agree on.
I hope you can sort through it xx

Ultimately, Bec, you need to make the decision that is best for you. Having a termination to please your partner would be so, so hard, on the other hand, so is being a single mum. Both are not ideal situations but at the end of the day you have to be the one who can look at yourself in the mirror and live with the choices you've made - as others have said, it doesn't matter now how you came to be in this situation (I know first-hand that 'accidents' happen, no form of contraception is foolproof when you and your partner are both reasonably fertile and it's certainly not my place - or helpful to you! - to speculate or ask about whether contraception was being used or where it 'went wrong'), it's too late for that now. What you need now is support, some independent advice and opinions, and some time to think long and hard about what your future holds as to which path you take.

All I can do is offer my own opinion - and going purely by the posts you've written (as I don't know the full story of your life, or your relationship), I have to say I get the feeling that keeping this baby would be the better option for you. You've been through a termination and dealt with the heartache of being 'forced' to end a pregnancy because of your partner's wishes - can you do it again and move forward without feeling increasingly resentful of him for ignoring your feelings and essentially implying that your desire to be a mum again is less important than his desire to be financially secure? Is money the ONLY issue that is playing on his mind, or is there some other reason he is so adamant about not wanting more babies? If he's so determined to not be a dad again, has he looked into taking responsibility for that side of things (eg, researched vasectomy etc)? (A bit off-topic obviously as it comes back to contraception, which is pointless now, but it comes across as a bit selfish that he is the one who wants his own way but won't take any responsibility for ensuring that he can't make any more kids...)

I chose to stick to two kids for financial reasons (among others). But there is living proof all over this site that families of 3 or more kids can and do live comfortably on a reasonable income - I'm sure it gets tough at times, but there are ways to fudge the budgets and cut costs to ensure that everyone's needs are met. Is it possible for either of you to pursue further education in order to gain better-paid employment in the future to provide for your family? Can you do some temp work while pregnant (I don't know if you're working right now) in order to save up some funds for when the baby is born?
As for depression and the overwhelming demands of coping with another child - yes, it's tough, but it sounds like you're in a good place as far as contact with your doctor and/or therapist and have a treatment plan in place. Any doctor worth their fee would be happy to monitor you during your pregnancy and beyond to make sure you stay as happy and healthy as possible, so it's workable. In my opinion it sounds like you would probably do a lot better emotionally if you had the support of your partner in this - it's no small thing that he's asking of you and it does sound like he's being a bit unreasonable ('termination or else' kinda deal).

Coming back to my first few statements... YOU are the one who has to live with this decision, whichever way you go. Your partner may not understand that termination is not as easy as a visit to the clinic and then you get over it after a few days of crying and cramping - it's so much more than that, and I fear that you may really suffer emotionally if you go through with a termination for his sake when you have stated that you really do wish to continue this pregnancy and be a mum again. On the other hand, if you go ahead and have this baby you may well end up being a single mum - which certainly doesn't mean you have to 'take your little guy away from his dad' at all, but raising kids single-handedly is a really tough gig - but we women are pretty amazing when it comes to finding the strength and resources to carry on and keep going ;)

Either way, none of us here can make this decision for you, but we are always happy to listen, discuss things with you and to give you the support you need. I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make, it is a very tough one but you need to work out which decision is the one you can live with, itms. Hang in there, good luck - don't be afraid to keep talking to us about this. x


ETA: Wow. It's little wonder the termination support group here is private, with sentiments like that floating around. Some of you up there on your moral high horses would be absolutely ashamed of yourselves if you knew some of the journeys that some BBers (you know, people you care about and have respect for and are friends with...) have been through. And this is exactly why we can't talk openly about fears concerning unwanted pregnancies or considering terminations... I'm pretty disgusted right now.

Bec, you may want to consider seeking permission to join the Termination Support Group. At least you can then talk to others about the whole situation without fear of judgement or blatant attacks from people who just don't get it :/

Bec -wishing you all the best with your very, very difficult decision. Hugs.

Bec, I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, I hope your DP comes around soon. I don't envy your situation at all, and like you, I would never consider terminating, just have to find a way to make it work, which I hope you can do :hug:

I hope others can start being more supportive towards you or maybe just not post in here ??!?

What a sad way to welcome Bec to BB... Hope you can work through this and feel support from some of the posts here :hug:. Prehaps if anyone wants to debate the issue of right and wrong, they could start a new thread rather than battling it out in a thread where someone has genuinely asked for help.

Bec, I am a mother to 5 kids, we are on a single income of around 56k. My DH didn't want anymore babies after #4 BUT I wasn't finished. He wasn't ready to put a end to his baby making days & well, #5 came along much to my pleasure. DH was a bit funny for a few days BUT we both know when I fell pregnancy & we both know neither of us used any contraception. I even made a comment about it later & he also asked about ovulation etc. So we were both very aware of the possible out come.

Anyway DH came around & was over the moon with the pregnancy.

We struggle as every family does. Regardless of income all families struggle at times.
Something to think about... A 4th child will mean an increase in FTB. The baby bonus money could help get you back on top of bills you are behind on etc. Not that I am suggesting people have a baby just to get on top of bills, BUT you are pregnant already so its money you can fall back on to help your family.
Also, if you did split over this, remind him he will still have a responsibility to support your children. You wont be taking away your 4yr old son or the new baby, as he is their Dad & will still play a vital role in their lives.

Personally I would be telling him that NO you will not be terminating this pregnancy. He will however need to seek help with coming to terms with this new life coming into your family. If Money is an issue then he can look at things he can do to increase the family income. But really we have 5 kids & manage just fine.

It's not about not standing up for your beliefs Tali. It's about respecting other members. We all have beliefs and life experiences too and they are just as important as yours. This thread is not about your beliefs about this topic, (It wasn't titled "what do you think of...?" etc) it's about the way you express yourself and the places you express your beliefs. Sometimes it's just not appropriate. After multiple posts about the point of this thread being support for Bec, it's really disappointing that you chose to contribute in the way that you have.

Bec - I think getting more information about what your financial situation will be if you have another child (i.e. what will you be entitled to as a family with four children?) might help in your discussions with your partner. He is most probably thinking about trying to afford another child on your current income but I daresay you would be eligible to more assistance if you went from a 3 child family to a 4 child family. My other thought (based on your comment that he tends to look on the negative side of things) is to wonder whether he also has depression?

You do have some time. I hope over the next couple of weeks you can both talk a lot more and come to a decision that you are both happy with. Sending you BIG :hug: both for your situation and for some of the stuff in this thread.

ETA - heaps of posts occurred while I was writing this!

I don't think it's about whether or not we feel termination is okay. It's about supporting another members choice in a difficult situation. It's about sharing information that could help, like counselling, work options.

None of the negative posts are helping the OP. To post something like this suggests to me that she's got no support elsewhere. Go to your own lowest point in your life, whatever that may be, and imagine someone being openly vicious and cruel to you. Imagine what that would do to you.

Bec - I'm sorry you're faced with this decision. Lots of good points have been made about how to help you reach your decision. And I'm sorry that this is the "welcome" you got to BB. I think it's time to talk to your man, very clearly on what having a termination would do to you, emotionally and physically and how you do really want this baby. :hug:

Tali I'm appalled.

Bec...I'll share with you something I haven't told anyone here before. Tali, go ahead and judge me, not very 'Christian' of you.

When DH and I first got together, I had a termination. It was in the first few weeks of our relationship and I was on the pill. It was the hardest decision I ever made, and became the biggest regret of my life when a year later DH and I decided to try for a baby, and discovered our combined fertility issues. Having said that...it *was* the right decision. Right and easy are not always the same. It took us two years and many miscarriages, but we now have our baby. Nobody can tell you what to do except what's in your heart. If you want this child, keep it.

Wow, that was hard. Tali, keep your opinion to yourself. It's not appropriate here.

Hi Bec,

It must be extremely hard to but put in a situation like this. :hug: Us humans are very adaptive, I am sure once you have made the decision that is right for you, you and your family will adapt.

All the best hun.

I just wanted to say welcome to BB. You are in a tough position and I wish you the best of luck what ever choice you decide to do.

Please try and ignore any posts that are not helpful to your decision, and if you find anyone harassing you about your posts, or any posts extremely hurtful please report them (as I will be doing).

BB is a positive place to be and I hope you find all the advice and help you need.

I think everyone right now needs to take a step back, deep breath and maybe chill out a little - yes termination gets people riled up with strong reactions and emotions, but as others have said, here really isn't the time or the place. Bec has come here for some support and understanding, maybe a little advice on how to deal with the emotional fallout of what she's going through. NOT to put up with judgemental attacks no matter how much you may disagree with termination as an option!

Bec, there is a private support group for women who have been through or are considering terminating, that could be well worth joining. Wishing you all the best hun :hug:

Bec, unfortunately termination is a very emotional subject, and some people absolutely do not agree wth it at all. i do see why people are being negative givin this is the second unwanted pregnancy you have had in a year. Please also understand that women on this website have tried for countless years to get pregnant and cant and your news may be upsetting for them.
i'm sorry you are in this situation,termination is a big thing. we cant tell you what you should do as we are not in your situation. we can only be here to support you with what you choose to do.
all the best

Tali, I think it was just a bad choice of words to express your opinion.

A suggestion of adoption is perfectly acceptable in my opinion. But yeah your choice of words was a bit thoughtless. Everyone already knows *what* a termination is doing. Its a delicate topic which needed just a touch of thoughtfulness when hitting the "submit" button.

ETA - :) Just want to add a smiley, Tali, I have a terrible history with tact. I often say it as I see it but am learning. So just wanted to add that my post isn't an attack on you like the others. Just simply pointing out the problem that you may not have realised.

Moderator Message »
Please keep this thread on track. Supporting Bec and the decision she has to make. If you have issues with someone take it up with them personally. This thread is not the place for it.

no comment

Bec, I just wanted to share with you my story. I totally understand what you are going through right now in making this decision. Five years ago I fell pregnant, not planned but a very much wanted and loved baby. At my 20wk scan we found out that our baby Emmanuel had Trisomy 13, not compatible with life, we were told by the doctors that we need to consider terminating. It's a decision nobody wants to make. There is a private support group but you need at least 50 posts to join, please if you would like to talk or ask me anything please feel free to PM me.

Regards,
Dianne

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