Aaaagh! Need help re: post-birth visitors

I've just had four days of emotional blackmail over this from my dad, mum and sister - they refuse to respect my wishes. The birth centre will allow them a 2-hour visit, but only 2 visitors at a time, including DH, whom I am not asking to leave. So there's no point them visiting, although they don't believe me. Must admit, the ruder they get the less I want to see them. They're still coming regardless on the 5th, so I just have to hope I'm going to be OK then.

After quickly reading some posts, I do see how it would upset them (I understood that before) but they can't even respect my wish to BF for more than 3-4 months without telling me I'm wrong and freaky and only weird people who get something out of it do that. OK, if I were BFing an 8yo I could understand that, but not a baby! TBH I wouldn't be too upset if I didn't see them again now; they're even ruder and more opinionated than I am! Even DH was left agog at their selfishness and rudeness. I know they're looking forward to the baby, but so am I!

My parents live about 270 miles away (about 450km), so they'd be staying for days. And have nothing better to do than spend all day with me, keeping me awake, telling me everything I'm doing wrong. Which is everything. I can't even say anything right! (Hmm, maybe because half the time I'm saying they're welcome to visit, just not for the first few days, so I can see where they're coming from with that one.) BTW, my parents are the reason I live down here and am in two minds about going back there if we can: I'd love to be able to see everyone, just not them so much!

If I weren't so stubborn and macho I'd have been crying almost all Christmas long, but they weren't going to see how much they'd upset me. Not like they got upset - just angry that I didn't bow down to their wants and wishes. Well, what about my wants and wishes? Who's having the baby anyway? DH will be there with me almost all the time anyway, so I don't need them just for company - they're not the people I would choose for company at that time anyway.

And, sadly, my mum and sister do judge people on hair and make-up, probably why they think I'm fairly inconsequential most of the time! At least DH is on my side and will kick people out, including his family. I'm less worried about his family visiting, because they've seen me looking dreadful and still love me! They also don't tell me what to do all the time: I need time to know what I'm doing for myself before I'm bombarded with my mother telling me I'm wrong. I just can't afford to believe her and my sister over things like "babies need bottles, they can't just have breastmilk": I'm just ignoring that now, after trying a couple of times to correct my mother.

BTW, Tanya, I have on Liebling's website that no visitors are welcome for the first week post-birth: my mother, MiL, sister and SiL have all been to that website and all ignored that part! I think I'm just going to have to live with the fact we (DH, Liebling and I) don't get the first week just to get used to being a family, but I would like a few days before I'm constantly surrounded by people telling me how dreadful a mother I am!

Normally, I consider everyone else's feelings before my own... so I'd normally give in. I'm just so over it all now. I consider that my mother's menopausal and my sister has her own issues with pregnancy, but to be fair I'm eight months gone and am allowed some irrationality! I am the one who needs support now, I shouldn't still feel like I have to look after them (I had to take on the mothering role with my mother when I was a teenager, now she's trying to revert back and control me, which I don't appreciate; I could have done with some looking after myself, not having to look after her).

Normally I, like you, would just give in to resolve things. But if they can't respect me for two seconds (even changing their going away dates so after arranging the Christening around them they now can't attend, can I change it?) then why should I concern myself with their feelings?

I'm still upset at them, so I'll chill down again and give in at a later date, but to be frank the bullying my dad tried to do as well as my mum and sister being moody just got to me a bit more than usual this time.

I've told them that I'm going to take WHO advice over their own advice re: BFing, and was told off... so I ignore them now. As for my looks, well, to be fair, my parents did sit me down and offer me cosmetic surgery when I was younger, so it's not like they've not tried to do their best for me.

Ryn, so sorry you are having to deal with pushy family esp now. We made a request in our birth plan that no-one was to visit for at least an hour after the birth (which is a long time in my family) they were all outside the labour ward when we had DS. Maybe you could organise a time after bub is born while you are off having a shower and getting fixed up when they can see just baby with DH there to make sure they don't go against any of your wishes and then set a time the following day when you've had time to get yourself organised and feeling confident but stipulate to the midwives that the visit is to be short (15min) and they will come in and ask visitors to leave after that time. Best of luck

Wow, it really sounds like you are having a rough time over there, Ryn. :hug: The only thing I can suggest is to get your DH and the birth centre nurses to advocate for you. (Especially DH - what is his position on this? You'll need him on your side, hon.) Hope things get sorted out!

Ryn, I really feel for you. It must be difficult not to have a close (stress-free) relationship with your family.

I would be mortified if my family DIDN'T want to be there straight after the birth! As it turns out, my mother is going to be present during the birth (to keep DD amused/take her away if she gets upset) and I couldn't be happier.

I hope you get some sort of resolution/compromise sorted out soon - stressing about this stuff is not good for baby!

Thanks girls - I do sometimes think I over-react, but my DH is right beside me on this one. Whilst we acknowledge that we can't have our first week alone, no-one will let us do that, we still want as much time alone as possible!

DH is being fab about everything, although he daren't stand up to my parents yet (I can sympathise with that!), but we can always hide from them. And the Christening, well, my Dad just shifted his work dates and my mum's going with him (he's in the merchant navy) - I know his work dates can shift, but this time he shifted them. I will ask if I can move the Christening on Thursday, at the classes, but hope that we can't! I think it's because they're upset that I'm not asking my sister to be godmother, because she wants to be, but DH and I want people who are actually Christians to be godparents! (Anyway, I had already asked the godmother, so can't change it now!)

Anyway, they are who they are, and I'm not going to change them so may as well do my best to like them for the sake of the children. DH has said no cuddles for anyone but the two of us if people do turn up in that week - I'll let him explain that one! But he doesn't want the baby to love anyone but us, bless him, so he's not allowing cuddles. I can see his point, his brother and SiL were like that when niece was born, only they did let some people and not others, so a blanket ban is a lot easier/fairer! But I wouldn't trust them alone with the baby, or with DH and the baby, because my mum and sister will snatch the baby away from DH and he's not used to them enough to scream blue murder at them for that. They'll try it with me, but I'll kick them out.

The more pushy they are, the less I want to see them or let them near the baby... shame, really, because we all lose out then. But I'm not going to give in unless they're nice! And promising presents for the big birthday isn't being nice... they can't just buy us off any more!

Ryn - I'm pregnant with my 3rd child, and I suffered PND with my last two children.

The only thing i will say is even if you had the best most kind family in the world, if you still wanted your first week alone it's your right to. I look back to how I was pushed around a bit when I had my first two...I can see how I got to the path of PND (although there were many other factors in my home life that did moreso).

Whatever you want to do in regards to YOUR baby, YOUR first pregnancy you should be able to do without any guilt or pressure put on you by your family. I personally think that having a baby, going through labour and all the stressful and emotional points that go with it, should be at least the one time where a woman should say and do what she wants and not have to think of others, and not have the pressure to.

I want a visitor free 3 day period with this baby. MIL doesn't know this yet, and it will be an issue (first grandchild for her). Already we have said we are going to keep the babies name to ourselves so it's a surprise after the birth, even though MIL knows the sex, she can't get over not knowing the name and literally rings my DP 4 times a day asking him to tell her and throwing heaps of names at him, asking if it's the one. She doesn't realize all she is doing is making me glad that I am having my 3 day visitor free period and making me much more determined to keep the name to ourselves. I worry if she is acting like this about the name, what is she going to be like with the baby. So she's effectively shooting herself in the foot. There is other issues also like them unable to visit without 4 dogs they treat like babies are go all over my furniture and think nothing is wrong with letting the dogs lick a baby...they refuse to put the dogs in a kennel or even leave them outside at my house or EVEN on the floor at my house, they have to sit on the lounges. I have dogs that I don't allow to do all this! So I can foresee problems :) but I'm determined no matter who I offend that my wishes are to be respected and DP knows this and better support me or else ;). I have also heard her and SIL really critisize and scrutinize other mothers in the family that have just had a baby, so I"m not giving them the opportunity to come in and stay with me and watch everything I do until I am damn well ready.

I'm sharing this with you to let you know I have a much less severe situation than you and I am still taking the visitor free period. THis is DP's first baby and I want us to have time to get used to this massive change in our lives, as well as my children. I refuse to feel badly about it, I'm the one doing all the work and I deserve to have a choice of when I am bombarded with visitors.

The nursing baby thing is a hard one too, and when DS was born, they told me not to pass him around for cuddles as it tired him out (he had a bad birth), so your DH could always use that exuse ;). I also had stringent rules about people washing their hands before holding my newborn and if they were sick they were to stay away, I offended people doing that, but that was their problem....I washed my hands constantly, why should I not ask them to just because it offended them?

My perspective is a bit different, but I think the last thing a heavily pg woman should have to worry about is what you have to right now....this is YOUR and DH's time Ryn, and you claim that and don't feel bad about it.

Good luck hun :hug:

Wow, Tara, how awful of your PiL! I'd never allow people to visit my home with animals - it's OK for babies, but not for animals. I also won't go near jumpy, licky dogs and there's no way anyone should think that's OK for a baby!

My family are being a bit more tactful over the name, but they still want to know what we've chosen! At least the in-laws are OK with stuff; it doesn't take much to remind me why I'm ok living near them and not my family!

As for the "dead" thing - my Grandma died when I was 14; my youngest cousins were 3, 1 and -1. That would make my mother even more anxious to see the baby, as her mother insisted on being driven hundred of miles to see the babies the day they were born (as I was told on Boxing Day) so why am I being funny?

I really wish I'd not told them that I am pregnant. I wouldn't have done so if my DH didn't make me drop out of my cousin's hen party because he was so worried. I did try not to tell my family, but my mum decided I had a brain tumour so I had to tell her really. I'd just let them turn up for my birthday and I'd be sat there with a baby a few weeks old!

And I think I'll offend people with the "clear off, you're ill" stance and asking them to wash their hands too! Didn't even think anyone would turn up ill, but then I remembered my family, and just think at least I have the hospital grade alcohol gel handwash in the bathroom ready!

Ryn i would wait until the day you have had the baby before making up your mind 100%. You can always wait until the next day you have had your baby to tell them and not being horrible but you don't know what is going to happen until you are in labour.

I was lucky and went 24hrs without visitors when i had Kimberley but i was sick and needed lots of care. If your mum and sister are going to judge what you look like after giving birth then i don't understand then unless your mum looked perfect after having you and your sister and that i do not believe.

I hope you can work something out and try not to stress about it too much as it won't do you or the baby any good.