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Your mum loves you hun. I'm sure if you explain the whole situation she will try to support you in any way she can. You don't need to tell her about the first one. Of course she may not agree with it, but if you go the other way, it would be good to have her support.
I highly doubt she'll say 'told you so'.
he rung me at work...wanting to know if i'd made a decision yet...i told him i don't know and all i get is "how can you not know?!"...that i'm ruining him...he even said things are going so well and we are getting closer every week and this would ruin everything! He doesn't want a child now, he just wants to be happy with me! He's too young and doesn't want to deal with this...well neither do I!! I asked him if he'd even considered how I feel about it...that he isn't the one that has to live with it...he never gave the first abortion a second thought, but I have thought about it every day! He asked me if I wanted him to hate me for doing this to him!?! Then he pulled the whole we don't have a house, you don't know what your getting yourself into, we don't want the responsibility yet!?!? "We were on the pill so we wouldn't have to deal with this". All he seems to want to do is attack me, instead of discussing it with me...he's so angry, he can't even see me! :cry:
I'm sorry, but maybe you should tell him to go get a vasectomy. This is really unfair on you. The pill is not 100% Never has been. Maybe he should've been doing other things to guarantee this didn't happen! The only thing that is 100% is no sex. Simple as that. He should know that.
I agree with bj - there is almost no 100% way of ensuring you don't get pregnant other than abstaining.
From what I am reading in your posts he seems to be thinking about himself and guilting you by saying 'it was all going well, this will affect it' (sorry not the exact words, I'm just really bad at quoting properly) You need to think about yourself and your partnership and it doesn't sound like he is thinking about the both of you. I also think it would be a good think to stay somewhere where you will be supported. There are lots of options and help for single mums. There are lots here who would be able to give you great advise. And staying with a partner who isn't supportive of your pregnancy and baby will be even harder work than it would be if you were single.
I'm sorry things didn't go better. lots of :hugs: in the mean time
I COMPLETELY agree with Skye!!
I am not thrying to sway your decision but before you told him you seemed pretty adamant that you couldn't have another abortion and now that he has had this reaction it seems you are considering an abortion. I think you should be very careful that the decision you make is what you want to do. Your DP's reaction is very unfair on you! This is a HUGE decision to make and not one you should be harrassed into making. I would suggest you should get some distance from him if you could stay at a good friends house or something if you could talk it through.
I would suggest calling centrelink and having a talk. I am almost positive once you are a certain way through your pregnancy you can get the dole (sorry can't think of the proper name of the payment) but get exemption from looking for work etc then you would be about the get a payment once your baby arrived and also the baby bonus. Also if you ask centrelink I am sure they could put you in contact with other services that would be able to help. Could u live with your mum for a bit if you needes to?
Maybe your dp will come around but if you want to keep this baby and you have an abortion to keep him happy maybe you will end up resenting him. I believe a partner doesn't need to agree with all of your decisions but they do need to support them. Anyway to me when you have sex with someone you are agreeing to the possibility of a baby, doesn't matter if contraception is involved!
Have a looking in the single parenting section, there are so many successful, supportive mums in there that would be able to give you some wonderful advice and support, that would come in handy if you decide to keep your baby and that means doing it on your own
You can go on centrelink payments (newstart allowance) from 6 weeks befor you are due with a doctors certificate.
Then you would be entitled to parenting payment (single or partnered depending on what happens) & family tax benifit after baby is born, as well as baby bonus. Also possibly rent assistance if you are paying rent.
Go have a look at the rate estimator on the centrelink website.
I can only go on what I was getting with the amount of rent I paid 6 years ago, I was getting around $800 a fn on single parenting payment with one baby, paying $175 a week rent. I don't know how much thats changed since, but I know parenting payment has gone up a fair bit since then. Everyone's circumstances are different though.
You have do do what will make YOU happy hun, not him... I really wish you the best, whatever you decide you arent alone and will get heaps of support here :hug:
Skye's exactly right.
TBH - I'd tell him to shove it!
Everyone's given you lots of good advice, I don't have much to add, I guess, other than counselling might be a good idea - just to have someone to talk to face-to-face, who won't judge you and will help you think about your options. I don't blame you for not wanting another abortion. It's such a hard decision to make, let alone when you have all these pregnancy hormones floating around in you!
A pregnancy is quite a long time, long enough for people to get used to things they thought they might never get used to. If you decide to keep the baby, you might find that other people in your life, eg your boyfriend, your mum, end up 'coming round' despite their initial reactions.
Good luck. :hug:
I would definetly talk to Centrelink and see what they say.
My reaction was anger at him as it takes two to tango, if HE didn't want children he should have made sure it didn't happen. You did the right thing and took precaution, what did he do except enjoy his part.
I will be thinking of you as you deal with this and know you will make the right decision, for you, when you decide what to do. :hug:
I would tell your Mum.
If this was my DD I would be upset but would support her. Yes, it would be a shock but she is still my DD
Hey hun, I'm so sorry to hear about your predicament ... it is a tough one to be going through and i wish you all the best. xxx
firstly - yes you do need someone to talk to. I would choose your mum. Don't judge ppl just because they are religious ;) yes she may not have agreed with your choices compared to what she believes but she will always be there to support you and love you and help you out no matter what. 1) because she is your mum 2) religion (depending on which i suppose) isn't about putting down other ppl its about picking them up when they are down.
If you don't think you could go through another abortion then dont! The fact that you are finding it hard to cope with losing the 1st little baby should be enough for both you and your boyfriend to see that it isn't the right option this time. Don't put yourself through that. This is a little baby growing inside of you :) I know how exciting it is. You will always wonder and regret not having it. As it sounds like you already do.
Very proud of you for telling DP in the first place that must have been a hard conversation to have. I agree with what someone else said - If you DP really wants to find his other children, and yet this time is willing to just walk away from you because you're pregnant TO HIM then you really have to question his motives. If he cant get in contact with his other children then he should be willing to do the right thing this time and make sure he doesn't lose THIS baby.
If you want this baby, don't let him guilt you into having an abortion or making it your fault. It's not your fault... he was there when it was made as well. If you want to keep it and he is not willing to support you then find someone who can. Whether it be a friend or a relative. There are thousands of single mums in the world and yes its not the ideal situation to be in nor is it going to be easy... but i'm sure it will be alot better life than regretting not having the baby.
There is also the option of adopting the baby out if you don't want to keep it and really dont want to terminate. It would also give DP another 8 months to change his decision.
just came across this thread and i am so sorry to hear what your going through :hugs:
I think everyone has given great advice and you need to consider what is best for both of you, and if he treats you this way is he really worth it?
That sounds horrible but surely at 27 he should be able to be rational and sit down with you and discuss the pros and cons, he can't make you responsible for his past or punish you for what his XP has done to him.
I understand it would be hard for him and how he can think it's not fair on his other kids but whats fair for YOU?
No matter what i'm sure your mother will be there to support you, they all get upset with us over one thing or another.. it may take time but shes your mum and she loves you!
You BOTH need to be able to make this choice but if you don't feel you can mentally handle another abortion then thats completely understandable.
1 last thought... if you DID get an abortion and stayed with him would it make the relationship any better, how would YOU feel about him?
Would you blame him for the decision, because if you would then the relationship will be just as rocky without a baby in the picture.
I hope he can act like the grown up he's meant to be and sit down and discuss it with you, he shouldn't pressure you into making a decision.
I hope whatever you do you make the right decision for yourself and for your relationship, it would be so so hard!
Good luck with it all.
I haven't gone through and read all the replies, so please forgive me if I am repeating what the other ladies have said.
Firstly you need a big bear hug, as I am not there this will have to do :hug: This is such a terrible situation! You have to remember it takes two my dear, it takes two to get you here and it takes two to make any decision about what to do. It feels as though he is being indredibly selfish and only thinking about how this is going to effect him and his life. It also sounds as if there really wasn't a decision to be made from you in your first post, you want this baby. Having a few doubts is completely normal, but having the stress of someone telling you other wise is just horrible! You are allowed to want your baby, you are allowed to get excited at the thought of it and if he says he wants a child with you 'one day', when will that day be?? When will he let himself move on from the past in order for you to have a fully functional relationship that goes to the next stage??
I completely understand that you don't want to loose him, but shouldn't he be the one standing back saying he doesn't want to loose you and another child?? I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you should not have to go through all of this on your own (or what seems to be), he needs to step up and be the man that he wants to be to his other children. His ex has moved on and had another child, why can't you two? I cannot understand what it must be like for him not to see his children, but having another child will not stop him from finding them if thats what he chooses to do.
Do your very best to sit down with him again and tell him he needs to listen to everything you want to say, your feelings towards it all and how you felt when you found out. Then when you are finished he can talk. I know this would be so hard on you as you hate confrentation and you are affraid of loosing him, but tell him ALL of that! Tell him everything you have felt over the time you've known even if it doesn't seem relivant to him. Then give each other time before making any decisions.
I am thinking of you and I truely do feel for you. Please come back and tell us who you go with it all.
:comfort:
Take care of yourself.
Im subscribing because i have a lot i want to say but i am super busy dd's playing up but ill be back k xx
This is what I was going to say. I think everyone has goven you some wonderful advice, and issues with your BF aside, if *you* dont think you are ready or it would be in your unborns childs best interests, you dont have to have an abortion if you dont want to, its not your only option.:
Just wanted to come in and give you another :hug: I hope you're doing ok.
I think Kirley's suggestion was a good one. You can't do anything you don't want to do no matter how he makes you feel.
I really hope you're ok. Come back and let us know how things are. :comfort:
It sounds like you are in a very hard situation! i agree with what others have been saying, he says 'do you want him to hate you for do this to him' well does her want you to hate him for makeing you do something you dont want to do.
It sounds to me like he is scared, scared that he has been a crap dad to his two other kids (not his fault but by not being alowed to be there) that how can he possibly be a good dad to this kid!
I think that in time he will come around to it, im sure it will be hard though, and im sure it will set your relationship back, maybe reasure him that you will never do what his ex did to him (take the child away and stop him seeing it) im sure that knowing he has two chidren out there somewhere gives him pain every day and the thought of there being a third in the same situation would be heartbreaking for him.
I really hope you manage to make things work for you, and what ever you decide to do, do it for yourself, not becasue your scared or to please others.
Big hugs to you and amoungst all this heart ache....congratulations! :)