thread: Dealing with a bigger than planned gap

  1. #1
    BellyBelly Member

    Sep 2008

    Dealing with a bigger than planned gap

    Ok so we were aiming for a gap of 2.5 years, started back on the AC rollercoaster when DS1 was 16 months (I think). He's now 3 and I probably can't do a cycle tll Jan 2013 so we are now looking at a gap of close to 4 years minimum. It took 18 months to get our BFP which I have just lost at 12 weeks, so if it takes another 18 months from January then we are looking at a gap of 5.5 years. This is not how I imagined my family. I know that you don't have control over this stuff but you have a picture in your head you know? I am struggling with the expanding gap at the moment- IF we are lucky enough to have another one, I am also struggling with the concept of never having another one. I thought when I was TTC #1 that I would be happy with 1 if I was lucky enough to get 1, but I'm not. I desperately want another child. For us and for our son.

    Has anyone else had these feelings? Does it get easier over time? Will I learn to live with our family as it is and be happy with that or will I always feel like there's someone missing?

    Sorry for random jumbled thoughts. Having a bad day.

  2. #2
    BellyBelly Member

    Dec 2008
    Brisbane, QLD

    I hope its ok for me to post here. I'm not LTTTC. So I cant answer from that view point. But for different reasons we will have a much bigger gap than we wanted. DS is 3 and 3months, so he will be at least 4 by the time we have another baby.

    I try to remind myself that my brother and I are 5 years apart and as children, we were very close. There were things about that age gap that were great. I could help more, teach him things, play with him, be trusted to supervise him while mum was busy for 5 or 10 mins, etc.
    I still struggle a lot with it. But each time it comes to mind I try to think of the good things of that age gap.

    I dont know if that helps or not but I hope it does.

  3. #3
    Registered User

    Jan 2006

    Not AC, but I do understand the gap thing.

    Pre children, I would have liked a 4-5 year gap between #1 and #2. Then I had Liebling and wanted to start TTC when he was 6 days old. I didn't want a 2 year gap, but would have been OK with 3.

    Now it looks like it will be a 7 year gap, minimum. More likely to be closer to 8 years. That's the gap I would have been happy with between #1 and #3!

    Does it get easier? Well, I'm not getting up every night or washing nappies now, so yes. I would have hated for Liebs to start regularly sleeping all night and then had a baby who didn't! I could cope with no sleep from 2 children as you have no sleep from one anyway, so why not share it? Same with nappies, they're being used anyway.

    And I feel that Liebling has had a better start by DH and I not having #2 just yet. He has really needed a lot of attention in these last five and a lot years; before 4 years he couldn't have coped emotionally with a sibling, and he didn't cope well starting school, then two school moves. So I focus on Liebling and what's best for him.

    If Stormageddon is always a promise away, then I will be upset. I never wanted only one child. But it is easier now Liebling is growing up. I want to give birth, I want my baby, I want a larger family and a greater chance of grandchildren. It won't be good for Liebling to have all my expectations on him as an adult! But I know I can live with it, albeit not in complete happiness.

  4. #4
    BellyBelly Member

    May 2009

    I know just what you mean. It took us 3.5 years to get DD. We started TTC as soon as AF returned because we wanted an 18 month age gap and because we didn't want to give my endo time to grow back. Miracle of miracles, we got a BFP quickly with a due date just 5 days after DD was 18 months! Then we ended up with a d&c at 11wks and we've had no luck since (now 9 months since the d&c). If we conceive this month we're up to a 2.5 year age gap. If it takes us 3.5 years of TTC again, she will be almost 5 before she has a sibling.

    But what scares me most is that it may never happen. The reality is that we probably won't still be TTC at the 3.5 years mark because my eggs will have all but run out by then. We can only afford 1 more IVF (it took 5 to get DD) and I don't even know if we should try because I honestly don't expect it to work.

    I know exactly what you mean and I'm sorry to hear you feel the same way.

  5. #5
    2013 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Apr 2009

    When ttc my last I struggled with the age gap also. I wanted 18monthd DH 2yrs. The 6months at the time felt like forever so when I started ttc when DD was 15months old I felt like I'd already been trying for those 6months. Then I didn't fall pregnant and had an ectopic pregnancy and 2 m/c over the following 2years. Eventually DD arrived 4yrs later. Now she is here it helps that once you have them you feel that this baby is the one your suppose to have. I couldn't imagine life without Jo and know I had to go through what I did to get her. I still get sad and wonder about the babies I lost. I wonder what gender they would have been and how my life would be different if I had them instead of Jo. There are good things about the bigger gap and then there are harder things. It's hard when people say how easy it must be having a big gap etc. well I didn't want the big gap and it's not easy having a newborn or toddler and waking them up every morning and evening to take the eldest to school. There needs are always going to be different. Not to mention the financial impact on your family. If I don't have another I would have had an under6 at home before kinder for 16years which had meant for us I can't work to my full capacity so financially it can be tough.

  6. #6
    2013 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    May 2007

    We're not LTTTC, we did start TTC beginning of last year however we are a same-sex couple so our circumstances are our own doing. That said, we did hope when we first had DD of an age gap of 2-3 years. I never wanted an age gap of more than 3 years, but finances and work circumstances pushed it back, and I had to be ok with possibley 3 years, maybe 3.5, and then when pregnancy didn't happen last year I then had to be ok with a 4 year age gap. DD will be 4 years 3 months when this little one is born in a few weeks. At first I was disappointed. I came from a big family, my sister and I were 18 months apart and I liked that, we always had someone to play with (and fight with LOL). I was so angry with myself that DD had missed out on that closeness and having to be alone in her early childhood, play by herself, not have someone to share and giggle and whisper with. I am slowly becoming ok with it although still very sad for her, she is a wonderful age to be a big sister and is very sypathetic to when I need to rest and has helped pick out a lot of things for her little sister, so while I am sad it didn't happen 2 years ago and that she doesn't have a small age gap, she is hitting her 'perfect age' in relation to being a big sister. (I'm just hoping she can grow out of her 4yo tantums and attitude in the next few weeks LOL!).
    I did struggle with the thought that another one might not happen, but again that was mostly circumstance. I was worried that we might never be able to afford more cycles, and then while we had some issues conceiving last year, they were fairly normal and related to time (and some PCOS and hormone issues) which is fairly minor in comparison to most.

  7. #7
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Dec 2005

    I completely understand where you are coming from!

    We were LTTTC-ers before our first baby and because of that decided small age gaps were going to be better for us. We had our three boys in 3 years. We decided to continue on for baby #4 but unfortunately we had another stint at LTTTC and I had 4 miscarriages. Im 13wks pregnant now and my youngest son will be 4y1m when baby is born. We NEVER intended of having a big age gap like that at all and I have so many reservations about it, especially with the other kids being so much older. I wish it were different but we got dealt the hand we did and Im just going to hope for the best. I keep trying to remember the perks of a larger age gap vs the smaller ones we had before but its a very scary prospect, isnt it?

  8. #8
    BellyBelly Member

    Aug 2008

    I was terrified of it. I'm not LTTTC, but I had a molar pregnancy and enforced wait before TTc again. Before I even had number 1, I was just so worried about the emotional impact of not being able to control that age gap. But I tried to be very zen about it all, when thinking about number 2, and let the universe decide when the time was right. As a result, weve ended up with a much smaller age gap than I'd ever imagined or planned, but that's just how it was. I'm so sorry that you're in this place

    There are pros and cons to every age gap, and none is perfect. When you get that rainbow baby in your arms, timing won't matter a scrap. It will be a golden moment no matter how far apart your kids are. But I will cross my fingers that it's sooner rather than later for you.

  9. #9
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Apr 2009
    Epping, VIC

    I originally wanted an 18 month-2 year age gap.
    We started trying when DD was 11 months.
    She turns 3 in January.
    It's just another part of LTTTC that we have no control over.
    You just learn to get on with it, I suppose.
    No choice in the matter

    Best of luck hun

  10. #10
    BellyBelly Member

    Jul 2006

    Hi lyra stardust,

    This is us right now. DD will be nearly 5.5 yo when this one is born, I wanted a much closer gap, say less than 3 years. We had some issues ttc DD (took 13 mths & 2 m/c) so I wasn't thinking it was going to be all roses in ttc # 2. We started ttc # 2 when DD was about 12 mo. During that time we endured another 3 m/c, had some breaks, did clomid, accupunture & chinese herbs, saw a naturopath, did 3 rounds of IUI (all failed), took another break then did two rounds of IVF & were fortunate to fall pg on the second round.

    I posted in another thread about being at crossroads with the decision to continue ttc for another child or dealing with the possibility that DD would be an only child. I talked endlessly with my DH about this b/c I grew up with siblings, whereas he was an only child growing up. He said it wasn't as bad as what I was thinking b/c he didn't know any different. He said sometimes it was boring & lonely home at nights & that was all. (He has step brother & sisters that he started to see when he was 21 yo.)

    The decision for me (us) to keep ttc another child was that there was something instinctual that was telling me there was another child to join our family, I just didn't know when or how. I then had to make the decision whether or not we'd keep ttc via AC or natural & obviously that decision was made for us b/c I am expecting within the next two weeks.

    My feelings of wanting another child increased so I wasn't happy with DD being an only child & that is what made me continue to ttc # 2. I'd have many more children if it wasn't so difficult for us but I am (so far) at peace that we will have one more to add to our family of three.

  11. #11
    BellyBelly Member

    Sep 2008

    Wow thank you all so much for your honest and really insightful responses! I feel less alone in this now and that helps! It's also obviously not always LTTTC that gets in the way, but also other circumstances, so maybe I should stop getting angry with my stupid body!

    I KNOW that there is another child to join our family. I just don;t know how long I can sustain the energy and emotion that goes into trying to get them. I guess I just have to accept what is. I was just told today that the pregnancy I just lost was probably twins. It makes it worse, I always wanted 3 kids but we decided on trying for 2 for various reasons.

    I guess our families are all how they were meant to be.

    Thank you so much for your responses.