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Thread: Has our LTTTC journey really turned me into this much of an emotional cripple?

  1. #1

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    Default Has our LTTTC journey really turned me into this much of an emotional cripple?

    Please tell me that I am not alone in feeling like this? Rather than explain all the past, you can see from my signature that our journey has been a fairly long one. We feel so incredibly blessed every day that ivf has finally worked for us but I feel as if the scars from it keep coming back to bite me.
    This pregnancy, for me, has been normal. But I don't have anything to compare it to. After TTC so long, DH and I came to expect the worst all the time because experience had geared us up for bad news. So it has been extremely difficult not to have this mindset now that I am pregnant. Things have gone smoothly but, as I say, nothing to compare to. I had a large subchorionic haemorrhage at 6 weeks which took 5 weeks to resolve, during this time we had no idea if our precious babies would survive. Due to an extremely rare bleeding disorder, I have been blood transfusion dependent since our embryos were transferred in order for the pregnancy to stay viable. But, again, this just seems the norm to me and what is a bit of medical management if it means I stay pregnant?
    Anyway, as I mentioned, we have been taught to expect the worst. As a result of this, I cannot dare to let myself believe that we are going to take home two little bundles at the end of this. It just all feels too good to be true, iykwim and I keep waiting for something to go wrong. I would assume that this is quite a normal feeling but yesterday we had our preadmission for c-section which will take place on Monday. As in, only four days away and it hit me like a tonne of bricks that I am going to have two little babies. The really weird thing is, in a sense, it feels like I have completely blocked out the last seven months, only just found out I am pregnant and now I m about to give birth. And because of this, I feel SO unprepared emotionally.

    Has anyone else experienced this or am I just really weird? It makes me so sad because I feel as if I have wasted a huge part of my pregnancy being scared instead of embracing it and being excited - I hate that ltttc has taken that away from me. Please somebody tell me that this is quite normal and when I see my babies for the first time, that fear will just melt away instantly.

  2. #2

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    I couldn't read and not post - lots of hugs for you. I've been pg before and have a 6yo but so much of what you wrote I have felt as well. It's only just hitting me now I'll have a baby soon.

    Good luck for Monday

  3. #3

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    Oh Sweetheart, it's almost unimaginable to think after all you've been through that your dreams will finally become a reality - and the reality does suddenly hit you like a ton of bricks, you're feelings are very very normal.

    I know through my first IVF pregnancy, it almost seemed to good to be true, and I often wondered if our 'luck' would run out.

    You haven't wasted your pregnancy because of your fear babe, I think fear is very much a normal part of the pregnancy roundabout and we all feel it at some point, so don't be too hard on yourself. LTTTC leaves a legacy of fear and emotional pain, I agree that it does take away a little from the 'normal' pregnancy process, you can't ever just 'forget' about it. But it also shapes the person and Mum you are, and when you meet your girls, the LTTTC legacy will dim significantly, your heart will melt with amazing love and all of a sudden everything does feel better, right and just the way it should be.

    Wishing you a beautiful birth for you and your girls Mel xxx

  4. #4

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    My journey wasn't anywhere near as long or painful as yours, and I'm struggling too. I haven't even named this bub yet, there are still a long list of ways this could go wrong and I'm just not sure which of those are going to smack us in the face. Hang in there... I don't think it is unreasonable that LTTTC graduates have some kind of PTSD or shock when bubs arrives. The healing is not yet done, just the next step in the journey .

  5. #5

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    Thank you so much for making me feel not quite so abnormal! It just feels so weird, it is like I have only just been told that I am pregnant, but wait, you will be giving birth next week hence the reason for feeling so unready.
    Naomi - thank you so much for reassuring me that once the girls arrive, I should feel differently - atm I feel so ungrateful to have these little bubbas on board and I shouldn't have any reason to complain. Strange the different ways that this journey affects us.

  6. #6

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    Everyone's journey is different, the best advice is just to go with what feelings you have, validate them (good or bad) and ask for help and support (eg emotional support) if its needed.

    PS. Words of advice - IVF Mumma's are allowed to complain! I always used to beat myself up when I was having a tough time as I though I should be grateful for what I had after wanting it for so long, but the truth is, motherhood and newborns can be challenging no matter how our babies were conceived, so be wary to be kind to yourself when you have tough Mummy Days xx

  7. #7

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    I am the same as Maruschke - our journey was not as long or as difficult as yours but I struggled when pg with DD to be truly connected until she is born. I remember when lying in surgery (I had a c-sect) and they got her out that I was just saying in my mind over & over again 'just breathe, just breathe' b/c I was so scared that I wasn't going to have a baby to take home. I did feel alot better when DD was born, I felt like I could protect what I had, rather than what I couldn't really see yet (when pg) ITMS?

    I sometimes struggle with this pg but I try to live in the moment as much as possible and when I feel things overwhelm me, I just go to a quiet place and just sit & lie down and recollect my thoughts.

  8. #8

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    My journey has been bumpy but nothing like yours. My successful pregnncies have never been joyful or exciting - more like something to endure. With DD1 I never expected to not miscarry and then when that danger passed I was convinced she would be a sleeping baby. I was such a mess that during her extremely long birth by induction they wanted to sedate me. It took me a number of days after her birth to reconcile that she was here, she was alive and she was actually mine. I don't think there is such a thing a normal, and more that we each travel our own road the best way we possibly can.

    All the very best for Monday. I wish you a beautiful birth.

  9. #9

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    Hi melissa!

    Hugs to you and best best wishes for monday, how exciting. I dont think anyone ever feels completely ready to be a mum for the first time, but when they put those little babies in your arms, you will realise how wonderfully special they are, and how instinctively you will know how to do what is best for them. What you are feeling is completely normal. I found the anticipation before childbirth, both times, to be very stressful, but it melts away in a heartbeat. I can still remember the exact moment of seeing both of my sons for the first time, and the rush of emotions that came. There is nothing like it.

    Take care of yourself and those beautiful babies!

  10. #10

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    Oh thank you for all your kind words. I do feel better knowing that I am not the only one that feels like this.

    On a brighter note, I have had a few niggles today that got my hopes up and along with those niggles was a lot of excitement so I am hoping that this is a sign of things to come and meeting our bubbas

  11. #11

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    Melissa I know some of what you are feeling, there is no way we could have a 'normal' pegnancy when we are LTTCers, its just a different pregnancy,not right or wrong. I 'know' I'm pregnant and that there is a baby in there ( god knows I have had enough u/s) but I still don't connect any of that information in my head yet, maybe I won't until the birth.

    try and get your hands on a copy of 'IVF and Ever After', by Nichola Bedos, its about the emotional needs of families who go through ivf, I lot of it is about the pregnancy, birth and motherhood, and ways of coping with the stresses. One thing it has taught me is that all the feelings I am having a very normal, and that once you get your bfp you don't magically feel happy 24/7.

    Best of luck for Monday, I'm sure your heart will melt when you see your little girls! I'm sorry you had to go through so much to get to this place xx

  12. #12

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    Quote Originally Posted by Saffy View Post
    try and get your hands on a copy of 'IVF and Ever After', by Nichola Bedos, its about the emotional needs of families who go through ivf, I lot of it is about the pregnancy, birth and motherhood, and ways of coping with the stresses. One thing it has taught me is that all the feelings I am having a very normal, and that once you get your bfp you don't magically feel happy 24/7.
    Great Recommendation Saffy! I actually have a copy of this book, it's really good, I totally agree I can send it over to you Mel if you would like


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