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Thread: Parenting after LT TTC #8

  1. #307

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    Default Re: Parenting after LT TTC #8

    Maybe I better change it!! Damn gravity....


  2. #308

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    Default Re: Parenting after LT TTC #8

    I'm hearing you! My boobs are getting very gravity embraced!

  3. #309

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    Default Re: Parenting after LT TTC #8

    Oops, very sorry. That's quite embarrassing actually. And a tiny bit funny.

  4. #310

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    Default Re: Parenting after LT TTC #8

    Quiet in here.....

    My first weeks as a parent = I'm embarrassed to admit I don't feel as connected to her as I imagined. I guess as she becomes more interactive that might change. I just feel the overwhelming sense of responsibility that comes with parenting in general.

    Can I kick start the conversation by asking....

    How do you think your history of LTTTC impacts on your parenting...?

    How did you/do you plan to present your fertility journey and conception story with your LO(s)...?

    What things would you do differently if you were to start the TTC journey all over again?

    What are some parenting moments you are most proud of?

    That probably more than enough to start with

  5. #311

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    Default Re: Parenting after LT TTC #8

    Hi =). It's strange, the ltttc hasn't really affected my parenting I don't think, it's affected family planning and I let people know that...all my friends know we have to do Ivf and I'm very open with them about it and that if I had my way we would be pg with my third or forth not second.
    I'd do the same with lo...I can't see me actually telling them....if they ask I will, but can see them wanting to know details until they are much older and possibly trying for their own. My dad still finds it fascinating that technically Spock and Quark are twins even tho there is (or will be) 2 1/2yrs between them and the technology is impressive,

    ..and now I am being asked to read a story =) so should go do that before I ramble on more.

  6. #312

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    Default Re: Parenting after LT TTC #8

    I don't tend to come in here because my journey has not been as difficult as most. I was lucky enough to have narrowly missed having IVF with my 3rd and conceived naturally again with the bub I am currently pregnant with. It took us almost 3 yrs to conceive my 3rd (DH 2nd) and 27cycles to conceive this bub (with 5 losses in that time).

    I think the only way LTTTC has impacted on my parenting is my anxiety is much worse than it was the first 2 times. The pregnancy, birth and parenting I am constantly worrying about death and injury. That's something I struggle with. DH thinks I spoilt our 3rd much more than the others which is true. Thats difficult. I wouldn't say she is my favorite but she definitely has a special place within me that the others don't share with me.

    I don't like talking about my journey with many people. I've always been very private (didn't tell anyone I was pregnant with my first until they started guessing at 26weeks). Now as hardly anyone knew we were ttc people ask if this baby was planned. They almost fall over when I say Yes it took us 3 yrs to get to this point.

    For me as I already had 2 children if I went back in time I would try not to get so upset about my journey. At the time it completely destroyed me. My depression was extreme and I spent over 2 years of my life in a living hell. When I look back now I realize how things could have been much better if I wasn't so focused and desperate to be pregnant. There was plenty of other things in my life I could have focused on or prioritized. It became my life including resigning from my midwifery job and hiding out in theatre with the unconscious. When ttc this time I was much more relaxed and I did except that another baby probably wouldn't come. I saw my life ahead with the family I had here and now not all the people that would be missing if I didn't hurry up and get pregnant. I would love another baby after this one and if it wasn't for multiple losses and taking approx a year to get pregnant each time (only to m/c and take another year to get a BFP again) I may very well of had another. We have accepted this is it and thank our lucky stars to have been blessed with a largish family after a few bumps in the road. I want to end out ttc journey on a happy note so DH will be having a vasectomy.

  7. #313

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    Default Re: Parenting after LT TTC #8

    LTTTC exposed me to more styles of parenting than I'd have witnessed if we hadn't struggled with IF. All our "real-life" friends and family followed fairly "traditional" methods, but spending years on the forums and having so many online friends have success before me allowed me to see other styles of parenting (eg attachment parenting, BLW, etc) that I hadn't known existed. That gave me the confidence to do things my way and try to enjoy the experience more. I particularly loved doing BLW and am so very glad I knew it was an option! BLW further affected my parenting style by forcing to me relinquish some control to DD and that has flowed on later stages of her development - setting limits for her health and safety but allowing freedom within those limits. I'm such a control freak; I'd never have been able to do that under other circumstances...

    In addition to that, similar to Mildez, I find I sometimes have an overwhelming fear of losing DD. She is my raison d'Ítre, my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. Without her, there would be no reason...

    As for telling her about our journey, I think we will. My only worry is about her telling too many people when she's young, so we may wait a while. While it's not something to be ashamed of, I do worry that there are some crazy people out there who may be violently opposed to the concept of IVF and there's no way to spot "crazy" on the surface... I prefer to get some idea of a person's opinion about IVF before sharing that information and young children don't have that same caution... There's also a high probability that we won't be able to complete our family without donor embryos and, given the different family medical history, it's likely we'll need to be open about the journey with any future child we may have that way.

    If I wanted to go back and change our TTC journey, I'd really need to go back further and push for a GP to take my AF pain seriously when I was a lot younger. I had endo symptoms for 20 years before diagnosis and that gave the endo plenty of time to destroy my egg supply. Treating it earlier could have avoided a lot of our heartache... I'd also found a way to get over my fear of needles more quickly and start acupuncture earlier. However, if we had taken a different journey, we'd have had a different child and there's no way I'd trade DD, even for a complete family, so I wouldn't go back and change anything...

  8. #314

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    Default Re: Parenting after LT TTC #8

    Myturn - I was the same as you when DS was born. It took me a long time to "feel" like a mum. For so long I had been a career woman and that was more my life than being home and taking care of a baby. I felt bonded with him and loved him like crazy but it still felt strange to have this human being being 100% my responsibility. I think it was around the 12 week mark that I started "feeling" like a mum. Funny enough it was being around other mums at baby group that made me feel part of the club. For me parenthood and families was always some club that I didn't belong to. And now I feel am in. And the love and obsession grows as they grow. Now he is my BFF and I couldn't imagine life without him.

    As for my parenting style I think I am like Juniper and trying different things. I am really into attachment parenting and discipline with kindness theory. Not too sure how its all going to go in reality but its something that is on my mind a lot and am going to try really hard to do it differently from my parents style. I think being a LTTTC made getting up in the middle of the nights so much easier. As tired as I was I would hold him tight and think of how many women would love to be me right now. Thats what I think of when DS is being challenging. It switches my mind straight away and seems to give me endless patience. I just hope that it doesn't lead to weakness in years to come.

    As for telling DS how he was conceived we will when he is older. I have kept a journal of our IVF journey. Its all in there. Even the mm/c. I have been open with our ttc journey.

    I dont think I would have done anything differently ttc. I got onto Drs at the 6 month mark of ttc and straight onto IVF. We went hard doing pretty much back to back cycles and even though it took us only 13 months of IVF to conceive DS it was a lot of emotions, hormones and $$ in that 13 months. All up it was 2 years of TTC and I am still exhausted by it all.

    3 major heartbreaks when ttc were the mm/c and then the next cycle the embryologist pulling a fertilised embryo out of my whilst putting 2 embryos in me. The third one being on our first cycle waking up to find I had a polyp right where they would put the embryo so couldn't go ahead with a transfer that month. I felt like my body was a total failure. Again!!! Of course every BFN was a heartbreak. Especially the 1st one.

    My proudest moments are pretty much every day. The way I love my DS and parent him I am really proud of. I am really investing in him and our relationship. I know its only early stages and he is 13 months so not in the hard zone yet but I can tell he adores me and just loves to be with me. I love how his face lights up when I come in the door at daycare and rushes up to me and snuggles me. I know I am his favourite person.

    Has anyone else's relationship with their other half changed? Mine has lost that rosy glow. He is a good dad and has certainly come a long way from those newborn days. I feel our relationship is moving into the friend zone. We are just going through the motions. I feel like I am not giving he enough attention but sort of feel like why bother when he is not invested in me. We have our own business so he is all about that. Thats his thing. His only thing. My thing is DS, work, taking care of the home. I know he loves me and I love him, but we are just off at the moment. DS interests me more these days. Sad but true.

  9. #315

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    Default Re: Parenting after LT TTC #8

    It took me a long time to feel that all - encompassing love with my girls. Throughout my entire pregnancy I absolutely couldn't allow myself to hope and dream that i would take babies home at the end. Then when they did arrive, it was just so full on that we were surviving minute by minute. So it really did take months for me to be overwhelmed with love for them. But I definitely got there and learnt a lot about myself in the process. Sure,, I've had some parenting moments which haven't been my finest and if u could turn back the clock, I wouldn't have listened to others and rather just gone with what felt instinctively right early on. Again, I learnt to listen to my gut and we got there.

    I'm not going to go into what I'd do differently if we did the ttc journey again because it was hell and I'm not going to beat myself up for doing what I had to get through.

    And Vic, I could have written your last paragraph myself word for word. Yes, yes, yes. I did say to DH a few days ago that I think we NEED an evening or night out, just the two of us as it hadn't happened since the girls were born over 2 years ago and I really think we need to try and reconnect. I definitely still love him and wouldn't be without him (he tells me every day that he does yoo), I just feel like part of the wallpaper all the time. So, you are not alone
    Last edited by *beannaithe*; August 20th, 2014 at 08:33 AM.

  10. #316

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    Default Re: Parenting after LT TTC #8

    MyTurn, thanks what a great conversation starter. How are you going now? It is a lifelong journey and those early months are really tough and lots of jobs the whole time, so hard to bond sometimes. It will come for sure.

    Vic & Beannaithe, I hear you. It is hard with kids. Totally changes things with your partner. I find I am just way too tired in the evenings to be even up for dinner and a movie, but I have chronic health issues. Have you guys seen Date Night? Not to trivialise things, but that did crack me up, how they are sort of pretending to be excited about going out, but would rather stay home on the couch.

    For me:

    I think LTTTC/IVF kind of led to a cascade of events which triggered my PND/chronic pain flare up which has impacted my parenting considerably. I think I built up the idea of being pregnant, being a parent, giving birth, BFing etc into this kind of perfect nirvana - or I just wanted to do it all perfectly, and when it all went wrong (C-section after long labour, constant untreatable nipple/duct thrush for the entire three months I persisted BFing, then terrible back pain which saw me unable to lift my daughter for several months, then anxiety/depression, hospital, ongoing pain, feeling useless and worthless because couldn't work or do housework or even care for DD a lot of the time etc etc) I was crushed and it has taken me all this time (3.5 years) to get a bit of perspective and bit of recovery (not fully recovered, probably never will be). I am still unemployed and I still struggle, most days.

    I used to have thoughts like, well this shows I was never "meant" to have children, why didn't I just leave it alone? I think when it goes so bad after the pregnancy/birth, it is hard to even come up with a narrative or some kind of meaning to it all. I love my DD and she is gorgeous and seems happy and is very chatty and bright. I don't even consider what I would have done differently or any kind of what ifs. Although, in my darker moments, I remember myself in my early 30s bike riding and swimming and travelling internationally, and I honestly think ... seriously, might I not have been better off having not had children? It is a hard thought, but it comes up at times. I need to acknowledge what I have lost (for now, hopefully). Which is a lot.

    Sorry, this post has gone beyond infertility issues.

    As for telling DD, she knows. We have been going through IVF for the last year or so. DD doesn't miss a trick, and she talks non-stop and asks loads of questions and I don't keep things from kids at all, which might not be the best approach. We kind of water it down a bit, eg Mummy's going to get some eggs put in her tummy at the doctor's. DD wasn't actually IVF, but we tell her how hard it was to have her, how much we wanted her, how incredibly happy we were when she arrived. When she asks me why "that lady" doesn't have children, I tell her again. How not everyone has kids. And how some people might not be able to have them. I also worry about my DD and endo so I will be very active in encouraging her to report pain and get a lap in her early 20s.

    That's my bit.

    WW
    x

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