Parenting After LT TTC ~ January - April 2008

Hi yes got my results but only now feel like facing you all. thanks for thinking of me.

As I suspected I was UTD a few days ago but now am not :( My levels are already down to 9 so my little one died a few days ago and I am now just waiting for AF and dreading her. Extra sad because I was still feeling symptoms today with nausea and tingly bb till around lunchtime so I guess it takes a few days for the effects to wear off.
On a positive note we still have one precious snowbub left but I'm not sure when we will go there as we are still waiting for our medicare money from this one to come back.

Very very sad tonight.

Oh Sazz...so sorry to hear your news!

It is a very sad night.

Take care of yourself.

My thoughts are with you.

I'm so sorry Sazz.
Take some time out and give Celeste a big squishy hug

Oh Sazz thinking of you and sending huge hugs. :hug:

Oh no, Sazz! :hug: I'm so sorry.

BW

Oh Sazz hunny, I'm so sorry. Hugs to you and DH and Celeste too.

Sazz im so sorry, I hope you are ok.

Im sending you a big hug and make sure you have some time with Celeste.:grouph

Sazz, I'm so sorry to hear your news :hug:

BW, Sounds like a pretty full on week at your place! Can I ask if Sam's scan was a precaution due to his early arrival? Hope all is well with your little man...and you too with your arthritis medication!

Nic

Nic, the scan was just a precaution because of his single umbilical artery. We've got some eye tests later which I think are more due to the early arrival and his intermittent reluctance to turn his head to the left.

It's all been a bit full on... I'm sooooo very tired still. Last methotrexate dose daw Saturday being a write off and Sunday being marginally better... This time I'm much worse on the Sunday (after taking it Friday night), but I'm still vaguely hopeful that I'll be back on my feet tomorrow. Just really don't feel up to another visit from the in-laws today - whenever they finally deign to arrive. :rolleyes:

BW

Oh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Sazz. I'm terribly sorry that your precious bub grew wings. I'm so sad for you and wish I could give you a big :hug: IRL. Please be very kind to yourself and take things easy for a while. I'm here for you if you need anything hunny.

BW Well done on the move. I hope you enjoy your new home more than the last 1.
I hope Sam gets some great results from him scan. I hope your inlaws aren't too painful ;)

A big hello from me. I hope everyone is ok.

:

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and lots of strange people (grandparents) around all week.

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That made me laugh! Grandparents can be Very strange!! Good to hear you are all moved and back online. At least Sam isn't too mobile yet. We have a big pile of 'stuff' in our spare room that we are gradually ebaying off...DS loves it, it's like a crazy jungle gym to him. We have to keep the door closed or he gets lost in there climbing around. When it's all sold we will finally have a spare room back, and some spare change too!

Hope everyone is well...have a great week :hello:

Thanks, Lenny and Mako.

The issue is that Sam hates having people get in his face. He likes his space, like me. He especially HATES people in his face at bed time... my parents are learning this slowly, but DH's parents just WILL NOT listen! Sam's had DH's mother in his face every time I try to put him to sleep all week. So Sam hasn't slept well, which means none of us have slept well... and I'm not even going to mention the comments about finding a way to prop his dummy in his mouth to stop him getting upset when it falls out! AARRRGGHHH!!!

They are gone now, it's all over... peace at last. Phew! Although Sam just had to pick today to have the stomach upset... pooing every nappy change when I have to glove up because of his rotavirus vaccine and DH is back at work now. Changing nappies while wearing gloves isn't exactly easy.

BW

Hi everyone.

Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and words. I am feeling a lot better today although AF is in full swing. Almost cracked it today with mothers group at my place when my friend admitted she had her scan and found she had been pg with twins but one had died. She didnt realise till the scan that there were two but still is understandably upset. I was sooooo close to telling her about us but there were too many ppl and I didnt want it to be common knowlege.

DH refuses to accept that it is indeed a MC. I chucked a bit of a wobbly at him as he was very insensitive about it. I guess it was not his body and he didnt feel all the pg symptoms and he seems to think that it was too early to count.

Glad to hear your move is all finished and your "Helpers" are gone, leaving you in peace BW. I agree the grandparents can be VERY strange. Their enthusiasm borders on madness sometimes and Celeste finds her Nana (MIL) too full on at times too.
Hope all Sam's scans are good news for you too. Best to be safe than sorry with those things.

Have been feeling particularly mushy towards Celeste the last few days. On the one hand I am devestated that this cycle didnt work out but I keep reminding myself we have Celeste and are soooo lucky to have had her after so long trying. But I then think to myself that it doesnt take away from the fact that this one was very much wanted too. It's a strange feeling almost like I feel guilty whichever way I think about it. Am already worrying about what if the other one doesnt work out either. Will we have to face that we may only have one child? And why is that so bad when we are just so damn lucky to have her inthe first place? *sigh*

Will post less selfishly next time everyone! Promise :)

It's ok Sazz, you're entitled to a bit of "self-absorption" at the moment ;). you know we're all there with you in spirit. I hope it doesn't feel like extra pressure on you to perform, but I think we all take it quite personally when it's 'one of the girls', iykwim.
Your conflicted emotions sound pretty reasonable to me. Why shouldn't you feel bad about not having the family you want? And it doesn't mean you don't appreciate what you already have, either.
Being a man (sorry to any male readers) your DH is, although crushed by the loss, probably trying to get over it by avoiding the issue entirely....
Sorry about your friend's loss also!

BW - phew! you must be glad that's over.

Lenny - good luck with the ebaying

BW, Hope Samuel's results come back all good. Yuck at having the IL's visiting too, but Yay for them having gone home.

Lenny, sounds like your DS is having a great time with his "jungle gym"

Sazz - Wish I could say something more... huge hugs, :hug: am thinking of you..

I think DS is cross cutting his teeth. He has his 2 bottom ones and the one that came through a week or two ago, is the top canine one I think? Imagine the top 2 teeth, then go left another 2 teeth! I don't think that is suppose to be through yet! Trust my little man to go against the grain of everything :doh:
gotta go, he is calling out

Nic

Oh Sazz, I'm really sorry :( I was trying to come and post yesterday but it wasn't happening. My DH responded that way with our early MC too. I really agree with marcellus and think it was his way of dealing with it, and dealing with me feeling as emotional and as affected as I was. Please look after yourself, and make sure that you allow yourself to feel the way you are without thinking you should be feeling any differently, IYKWIM. Take care :hug:

Sazz - your self absorbed-ness is not selfish at all, and that's what makes this thread great. Your confusing feelings are well and truely understood here! DH's are frustrating sometimes. Mine will not let me talk about Liam's twin, even though 'he' made it to 8 weeks, and we saw 'him' on our 12 week scan still. But we all feel things differently and I know that some women who have an ET feel they have had a 'loss' even if the emby didn't implant.
Wanting another bub, a sibling for Celeste, doesn't mean you take for granted how special Celeste is and how lucky you are to have her. You just would love to have more babies in your life and in hers.

My parents are coming over for a week (from NZ) when Liam turns one. Bl00dy mother of mine invited my brother for 'the party'. (there is no party planned!) Bro said no as their baby was still born at 40 weeks and she would be 9 months now. It's still a bit much for him - but mum has no sensitivity. Now i'm feeling guilty as he thinks there was a party planned and i hadn't invited him. My brother has only seem DS once, and that was at their baby's funeral when DS was only 3 months old. I feel sad that he is not part of his life, but there is still time. I'm sure things will get better.

Now that was self-absorbed! (Sorry :redface:)

Sazz, not at all self-absorbed. My DH was very similar with our chemical pregnancies. The first loss that we'd actually seen on a scan actually had some sense of reality to him... the others didn't, therefore they didn't exist to him, and it was just easier for him to deal with it that way. I honestly don't think the desire for another baby takes anything away from how you feel about Celeste... I can't imagine how difficult it must be to try to decide what to do from that point on. We have two frozen embryos and I'm adamant that I will NOT do another stim cycle... but who knows what may come over me in the future.

Time for me to have my own self-absorbed little ramble...

I have had the day from hell here. Sam's not been sleeping. I managed to get three loads of washing done... I'd get him settled and asleep then I'd go outside to hang things up and come back inside to find the poor boy screaming. I feel like such a bad mother! He's finally asleep now... had to hold him all the way through eating dinner - one handed - and managed to drop stuff on him. So now he's asleep in a wrap with my dinner all over it, but I wasn't going to risk waking him to wrap him in a clean one!

On top of all that, the internet connection went phooey today so I've been feeling isolated and alone as well as like a terrible mother.

Just praying for a good night here... but not at all hopeful. :(

Does anyone ever have days where you wonder WHY you went through all the IVF and other crap? I guess I'm just not really enjoying being a mum today... I've actually at times felt like taking Sam back to the SCN because I can't take care of him properly and they'd know what to do while I'm completely clueless. I don't know why he won't sleep, I don't know how to help him and I've not been there when he's needed me today because I was too focussed on the bloody housework!

BW