The decision to adopt.....

Hi,

After 7 years of IVF (requiring egg donation) I'm starting to think seriously about adoption. I've always been absolutley certain that IVF would work for DW and I, but we're not getting anywhere.

The last cycle ended in a miscarriage at 7 weeks. The miscarriage was particularly nasty, causing the most excruciating pain for DW and a trip to the hospital at 2:00am.

As I was in the hospital, I started to think about what we'd been through over the last 7 years, how IVF rules our life, emothins, friendships (and our bank account), and what if I'd lost DW that night, and all the other horrible things that go through your mind during the trauma.

The thing is, I know we'd be fantastic parents and be able to give so much love, I can't see our lives without children.

So I get to thinking that seeing as we need donated eggs, what difference would it make to have donated sperm as well? After 7 years, the urge to have children is greater that the urge to pass on my gene's...and if DW can accept having children without her gene's then I can too.

I read somewhere that only 20% of a child's personality is inherited and the rest is developed from the people that look after them.

My questions are -

What is life like with an adopted child/children? We'll most probably miss out on their years from 0 - 2, so the chances are we'll get a toddler or even older ( I guess up too about 10 years old).

How does that affect the realtionship between parent and child? Can it be as rewarding as having your own flesh and blood? Is the love between parent and child unconditional?


Answers on a post card please... :lol:

Hello Dazed&confused...

I have not personally adopted, but I have 3 friends (couples) all of whom have adopted, their cases are different in the fact that they have all adopted a relative of sorts...

My husband is Balinese & it is very important in Balinese culture to have children, it's kind of like what they totally & utterly live for...
Any gender is welcomed..

We tend to associate with a number of mixed marriages..

Over the years we have gotten to know a number of Balinese/Aussie mixed couples that were going through IVF or similar, without succes...

As it is so important to them to have a family they all were offered children from within their families (the Balinese member's of the 3 couples)

So they all (at different times) had moved back to Bali where one of their siblings would have a chil & hand it over to them at birth...
They had to remain (both partners of the couple) in Indonesia for a minimum of 12 months, they then applied for visas & brough the chil home.

One couple now have 2 children (7 & 4) whom are infact their nieces, but they call them Mum & Dad etc & are very normal, well adjusted & 100% loved & spoilt children, but very happy & it is a joy to see them as a family..
Another couple have a 5 yr old son now & he is also normal, he calls them Mum & Dad too & doesnt mind being an only child..
The other couple have only been home 8 months & their daughter is about 2, she is adorable & also very happy & much loved...

If you have the love to give I believe any child can thrive & become 100% yours!

As all these kids above are related in some form to 1 of the parents & have been with them from birth (including 2 actually being breastfed by the adoptive Mother!) They will get to see their Bio family on trips back to bali & they also get to learn about their culture..

But I truly believe a child without love is a sad & lost/lonely child...
A child given love from anyone will be3come everything he/she has dreamt of!!!

I would say go for it, you sound like you have so much to give & offer a child or 2...

Would you look at a child from overseas?
I personally believe it can be as rewarding as having your own flesh & blood....
If I could not have my own children, I would have done it & still might do it in the future...

My hubby has 2 adopted sibling (he has 5 biological siblings too) but 2 babies were left orrphaned in his Mothers village so she took them in, thyey rae treated the same, hubby & I pay for their schooling as we can afford to help out & once we head back to bali to live, I will be first to put my hand up if any chilfdren need love, food & a roof....

Best of luck with your decisions...

Hi Dazed.. go for it!

I have a friend in the USA who's just adopted a baby girl from Guatamala (sorry if wrong spelling) but the paperwork is still going through and she won't be brining her home to the US until she will be about 6 months old. All she can do now is communicate with foster mum and her and her DH have been down there once to meet the baby and do the bottle feeding thing during the weekend they were there.

Go for adoption if IVF just isn't working for you.

I'm also considering adopting child number 2 mainly because I have med conditions and this pregnancy has been difficult for me - I couldn't go through it again. I've lost money on having time off work without pay and my DH earns a modest income. My DH is the only boy in the family and I was told on Xmas day by my MIL that if this one's a girl I will HAVE TO GO BACK!. Now we know it is a girl. Nothing would please me more to have another but there is no guarantee it won't put me in an early grave next time and I'll be 36 next month so no guarantee of having a baby without downs syndrome. Also no guarantee we wouldn't have another girl! However I would not love a baby with this condition any less - it would be hard on me though as I'm not healthy.

Well am new to the adoption forum so I'll keep browsing posts. Maybe we'll just spoil our child rotten and she'll become such a monster that everyone will wish we didn't have one (joking here! ) Good luck with your adoption procedures and don't hesitate to do it!

Dazed, I have no experience nor advice that I can pass on but I just wanted to tell you that your post made me cry. If your DW is as loving a person as what you are (and I'm sure she is), then I couldn't imagine more wonderful parents to be. I truly hope that you do decide to go down this path as there are some beautiful children out there ready to be so dearly cherished and loved as I'm sure you could both provide.

If the Aussie adopted child path is too lengthy perhaps you could look at overseas adoption?

Hi Dazed,

Well I have a fair idea of what you're going through right now. My DH and I have been trying for over 5 years and have lost 4 little ones in the past year (IVF).

I totally understand the hold that IVF can have over your life and the feeling that at some time you just wish your life could have a very different focus.

We have recently been looking into adoption - well specifically foster care initially - and I am sure it will be an option for us at some stage. The main problem we faced was that to adopt - well actually to even apply to adopt - you must have ceased all fertility treatment entirely and not had any for at least 12 months (well this is what I have been told by DOCS and Barnardos). At this point I still hold hopes and am not prepared to completely stop yet.

I found this to be the hardest part to come to terms with - I asked DOCS, well what happens if someone falls pregnant naturally while waiting to adopt or once they do - they tell me that is entirely different.

I think looking into adoption as an option may well be the answer - but Im not sure for us just yet. If you are at that point, then I say GO FOR IT! You sound as though you will both make wonderful parents - I mean anyone who puts themselves through all this stuff just to have a child has to be likely to put in just as much of themselves as a parents, right?!

Good Luck and I honestly do hope it all works out for you...


Keen

Hi there.

If you want some advice as to how to go through the legalities of adoption, feel free to email me. I'm a family lawyer and have done a few adoptions.

Best wishes to you all on your adoption journey.

Dazed ..

I am sorry for your & DW's loss and heartbreaking IVF journey.

We have an adopted son now 12 - adopted in Aust but he was a little older due to his circumstances just over 1 at the time. Angicare.

We love him as if he were our own and I don't think of him as any different.

From very first day we welcomed him into our homes and hearts - he reciprocated. It has been a blessing I can't describe.

The relationship now in preteen years is as good as any - a little :argue: but still :hug:

His relationship with DH is better -I am homework mean mummy and I guess boys are their Dad's lil' man. DH lets him get away with more and gives him more treats and freedom. (different parenting styles :lol: )

Whatever you decide - your heart is in the right place and your capacity to love is unlimited.
with hope
Trish

Just wanted to wish you and your wife the best of luck, whatever you decide. My heart goes out to you for the sadness you have endured up to this point.

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss and frustration. However, there is light at the end of the tunnel, especially if you choose to open your hearts to adoption. You will never be the same. My husband and I adopted our first three kids, then fourth is biological. Sometimes people wonder if it's somehow different the way we love them. It is not. Having done both aodption and birth, I can tell you that adoption is the true miracle of the two. The kids don't seem to notice a difference either, our entire family has, and always will, treat them as though they belong with us..because they do. We are a multi-cultural family and are very open about adoption with our daughters. They are very proud of who they are and how they came to grow in our hearts instead of my belly. Good luck to you as you continue your family-making journey, whichever turn you take.

Hi Dazed.

Not having any experience with IVF or the loss of a child, I don't know how you are feeling exactly.

But as an adopted child myself (as too is my brother) it couldn't have worked out better for us.

We were adopted from birth, though I did not go home until I was 6 weeks (due to turned eye and feeding complications) but I couldn't imagine growing up with anyone else but my parents.

I know my birth family now and we have a relationship - more friends than any kind of parental/child bond, but I have a sibling bond with my half sisters that I know.

Personality wise - according to DH, I'm so much like my mum it annoys the cr*p out of him sometimes ... lol ... aside from looking like my birth mother however, I don't really have any of the same personality traits.

I totally believe that the way we are raised affects the type of person we will become due to the love, support and upbringing that we receive and what we are exposed to. So unless there is a genetic disorder that may concern you (such as a mental or other problem that is in the birth family), personality wise I don't think that who you birth parents are makes much of a difference.

Even if the child you adopt is 2 or so. They are still young enough to learn all the right things we want to teach our children and you can certainly build a strong bond with them as if you had had them since birth (the same would also be true for older children if you can just give them lots of love and support and understanding).

I hope everything works out for you both whatever you decide to do.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

I have recently adopted my maid's 3 month old son after she passed away. I have two biological kids who are 1 month old twins. All I can say is that this is the best decision I've ever taken in my life. I'll never regret it.

So, if you are absolutely sure that you can love the child as your own, go ahead.

Are you adopting a child to fill your needs, or to fill the needs of the child???

From an adoptee standpoint, it should be about the child's needs and welfare - not fixing the hole left by being unable to have your own biological children.

My questions to you are:

What is life like FOR an adopted child/children? Obviously losing their roots and biological parents, in whatever circumstances will be painful for the child. Can you commit to helping them heal and loving them unconditionally? It is most definitely felt by a child, and especially one which has been abandoned before.
Does the age you adopt matter? Why?

If you dont think it will be as rewarding, don't adopt. Full commitment and unconditional love is required, if you want to have a good relationship with your adopted child.

Good luck with your decision.

btw.. I am 35, and have met my biological family recently. Its also important that you will support your child if they wish to do this, and being able to discuss their biological history openly without shame or guilt. Happy to answer q's if you have any.

I can answer this as an adoptee (whose birth mother and family came and found me 18 years ago when I was 18) and also something who is on that long list to adopt a child to welcome to our family as well.

"What is life like with an adopted child/children? We'll most probably miss out on their years from 0 - 2, so the chances are we'll get a toddler or even older ( I guess up too about 10 years old)."
Depending on whether you choose 'local' adoption or international adoption (and in the case of the latter - also depending on which country you most fill the bill with) you wont know what age child you get until you get closer to that time of allocation. Life with an adopted child I am sure (if you asked my folks) can be more challenging than raising a bio child) simply because there are all of those extra layers of emotional stuff hanging about as well in most cases re the WHY's! - but also incredibly fulfilling and JUST like having a bio child on other levels. That child is your child to love and cherish - and the bloodline can then become irrevelant in some ways as they grow to be a part of your family as though they have always been there. Why dont you put your name down on the list for information sessions for the different types of adoption and go from there? Permanant care may even suit your family?

"How does that affect the realtionship between parent and child? Can it be as rewarding as having your own flesh and blood? Is the love between parent and child unconditional?"

I think that it is incredibly rewarding for most families -and just as much as having your own flesh and blood. I think that all love between all parents and children should be unconditional - taking who birthed them out of the picture.

Blondeangel is SO right. It is about the child and the child's needs first and foremost - not about only creating a space in your family to fill with an adopted child.

If you pursue this - good luck! There are many children all around our country and the world who need loving families, and I hope that if you take this path, once you have weaved the myriad of red tape and paperwork - you become a family.

Good luck!

Hi Daze

I know how you feel. My DH and i had 13 years of that kind of pain. but we knew we had to stop eventually and look at why we wanted a child so much.

In the end we basically just wanted to parents. Biology wasn't the driving factor. So we started the process for adoption and we have been successful in being placed locally.

I can't put into the words they joy we have everyday and every minute we spent with her.

Want some people say is true, you do have take more into account emotionally. But you also have to look at whats happening TODAY in adoption because in some states its conducted differently that it was 30yrs ago and even 20 years ago.

For starters there is open contact from the time your child is placed. In some cases there is face to face. (More so in local adoptions.)

If you strongly feel you can be a good adoptive parent then even the worst cases won't deter you from it.

Good Luck!!!

my DF is adopted, and has never looked for or wanted to know his birth parents. he's constantly grateful for what his adopted parents did for him - gave him a great life and a chance to grow up in a family. DF was removed from his birth parents at 3 weeks old due to their chronic alcoholism.

i think the decision to adopt is a lovely giving thing to do - look what it did for my DF! we're looking to foster if we can't conceive naturally in the next 2 years, considering my age.

hi dazed...
all i have to offer is similar to what others have said and that is it sounds like you and your dw would make wonderful, loving parents and that there are a lot of children in the world who need parents like yourselves. i hope this helps with your decision. good luck!
:)