Making baby's memory last one day more
Hi
I hadn't told many people at home I was pregnant but now I find myself telling everyone about the miscarriage. I just realised it's because I don't want the pregnancy to be over and getting to talk about it just seems to make baby's memory last one day more. Very soon baby won't be mentioned anymore. People won't ring me up to ask how I am doing and then baby really will be gone.
I lost my baby at 11 weeks. We were OS at the time. The day before we left for home I started to bleed and then I had to admit to myself that I really hadn't felt pregnant all week. Five days before the swelling tight tummy that I had suddenly felt soft and flatter. I thought things were just shifting around inside but I should have seen it as a more ominous sign. When we went to the emergency room the young doctor used a very poor ultra sound device and said he couldn't see the baby. He said it didn't look good but he couldn't confirm anything and I needed to come back later in the morning (it was 3am at this stage). The high quality ultrasound confirmed our worst fears. The baby had already gone. The embryonic sac only measured about 8 weeks so it was apparent that baby had simply stopped growing weeks before and now my body was shedding the remaining tissue and lining of the uterus. All that time we had been telling family OS about our little one due Christmas Day, baby had already gone.
I feel a bit numb now that I am back at home. All my next little projects were about getting things ready for the baby. I still have my precious 20 month old daughter to keep me going but when she sleeps and I am alone, I can't help but think about the loss. It took me 6 months to conceive and now I am 43 and I think my last chance to add to the family has now gone.
I know in the coming weeks I will pick myself up and move on but for now I just want baby's memory to last a little longer in the minds of others and not just his Mum and Dad's.
