How to discipline my todler *long*

I have a beautiful, smart and spirited 28 month old girl. That I love and cherish and just want to hold and cuddle and kiss till she turns purple. And she knows how to manipulate me and DH to get what she wants :redface: We have let her get away with stuff, because she was prem and is small and well ... a first child. At the moment I work half-day in the mornings and have a carer at home that takes care of my two kids. DH has his own business and are in and out of the house pretty much just as he please. The woman that takes care of my kids are Kathy. She is a wonderful, soft and respectful woman that looks after my kids like they are her own.

Ok, that was a bit beside the point, but here is my problem. DD is getting out of hand and I don't know how to discipline her :( Me and my husband believe that a smack here and there on the right time and for the right reason is appropriate. A smack to me is firm pat on the butt. BUT I agree with him that we want to "bend her while she is young" Meaning smacking her till she knows who is boss. Now that sounds terrible, but he is not a bad person for believing that and that is the way that we both have been raised. It worked for us, so naturally we believe that it should work for our kids. [I don't need to be judged for smacking my kids, please] He just feels that we need to get her in line and teach her respect before it's to late and we have problems with her later on. And I feel the same way, just not that smacking is all that will work. Not that I would not smack her if she hits me, or bit her brother, just I don't think smacking a kids throwing a tanty is productive. I want a girl that will listen when I speak to her, look me in the eye and do as she is told. Not in a "I'm mom, you do as your told or else" kind of way ... rather in a "please be good and do as mommy asks of you" kind of way ... KWIM??????? But we are really struggling. It's not helping that we (read I) am soft and easy to manipulate. I hate it when she just turns to jello when she does not want to walk anymore, or go where I ask her to, or get out of the street. Then she will just go limp and lay there and not move and scream and cry and moan. Eventually (I know I should not, but you can't leave a kid in the street, can you???) I go get her, send her to her room and she will say sorry mommy later, but I don't think it really SINKS IN. I'm rambling. I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME TEACH MY KID!!!! She has manners. She says please and thank you 99% of the time and says hello and goodbye and goodnight and good morning. She is overall a good girl and we get LOADS of compliments on how good and behaved she is from our friends, BUT there are times when I feel like giving her away to the first person I see on the street. I'm sure I'm not the only mom that feels like that :doh:

Sure she is going through her terrible two's, but there must be some way for all of us to survive this?? She is a handful most days and leaving her with the Kathy, that also has to take care of my son ... poor Kathy is not used to it. Her kids don't talk back to her. She has not complained, but I can see that she does not know how to handle both kids, especially when dd throw a temper tanty. ATM when dd tanty, I would go and place her in her room and let her cry it out. After she has stopped crying, I would go get her, try and explain why she has been sent to her room and why she can't get what she wanted in the first place. It's difficult, because she does not look me in the eye and don't listen to me. She will be all "I love you mommy" and "hugs mommy" and "can I get some milk mommy" Then I would ask her to apologize to me (or Kathy or DH) and then give her lots of hugs and kisses and go do something fun, or give her a bit of my attention, or try eating her cereal again (if that is what the tanty was about to begin with)

There is still so much going on. I just need some advice that WORKS. Something concrete that I can sit down and explain to DH, so that we have a plan of action that does not include smacking. I'm not against smacking, but I have a strong feeling that if we use smacking to discipline her, that is all that we would be doing and I DON"T want to smack and have a child crying the whole blooming day.

I am sick of watching Supernanny and all those TV programs and seeing them work so well, but not being able to really do it with dd. Sure a reward system sounds fab, but but but I want her to behave because she knows that it's good behavior, not because she will get whatever from it, kwim??

Any advice PLEASE.

my son is 2.5 and he is a bugger. We have a time out spot and 3 warning system and if none of those work its a gentle smack on the butt and a talking too. Each kid is different. sometimes u gotta be super tough to get the message through. With my son you need let him know whose boss and that u wont take any of his crap. Super nanny blah! it may work on telly but in reality. You just gotta try alot of different ways to find what will work for u. And sometimes that means taking away toys or tv for a few mins etc

We were both smacked as kids too, and believe that a smack is ok when it is controlled. We have set limits like only with hand, only 1 or 2 at a time and things like that. We have also found with DD1 (who is 3 so it might work with your DD now) that confiscating her favourite dolly works very well, and is often more effective than a smack. She will eventually learn that her actions have consequences, so do give her 3 chances and make sure you follow through on what you threaten her with.

i wrote a good reply and it didnt post grrrr

cant remember what it was now....

:cry: THANKS YOU!!! thank you thank you thank you!!! I feel like such a terrible person, but talking and that suppernanny and "gentle parenting" really does squat for me!!! And I think it might be easier if she was a he .. boys are normally a bit more butch and well, you know what I mean. She is so tiny and delicate ... I probably have to change my mindset of her.

Where is your time-out spot?? I send her to her room and place her near the window on the floor, but her closet is next to the window, so if she is really testy she will get in there or kick the closet *sigh* I don't want to send her to the bathroom ... she will get into toooooo much trouble left alone there ;)

Oh hell breaks lose if we take away toys or TV time .. But that might just be a good thing, if I can be consequent and follow through on the warnings. Eeeek

Bugger - did a double post thingy ... seems like BB is not yet runny smoothly after the power-out.

Thanks alli!! I'm going to sit DH down and talk about taking away TV time (she loves her Disney movies) and her fav toys. I'm just so glad to hear that I'm not the only parent that believe in a smack at the right time.

Nadine - there's a great book "Raising a happy child" (see the link in my signature) that deals with this kind of stuff.

It's written from the point of view of a parents group, with experience of different parents about what does (and doesn't) work.

And yes, the odd smack is OK, but to lead up to that is a great thing IMO, so well done on you for that.

Oh, and supernanny smookernanny. How much of that show is edited out, I mean really!
:hug:

Thanks Kazbah. :) I checked out that book, going to look for it in shops/internet around here. If I don't find it, I might just save and order it for me.

I really recommend the book Yes Please, Thanks! - it's fantastic about discipline. Without needing to smack for things you don't wish to smack for.

For example, you tell your child to help you tidy up. Not ask - if you ask, they can say no. "Will you do this?" is a request, "Please do this" is not. So you say "Please pick up your toy before you go out." Child makes for the door. You tell them again "You don't go out until you pick up your toy." Ignore the tantrum and go and get the child, put the toy in the hand, walk the child to the toybox and have them release the toy. Say "Thank you, now we can go out!" - but maybe not as enthusiastic a thank you as if she'd have done it on her own.

Let all hell break loose sometimes. There's nothing wrong with a cuddle and "This is the way things are, I know you want the TV but Mammy said no" every now and then. Be the boss. See your child as the adult you want her to be. Like a tree - bendable, prunable: do you want to bonsai her, stunt her emotional growth, because you let her remain a toddler because you don't say no? What would her boss do if, age 30, she chucked a tanty because she didn't want to do this job: it always worked before.

Ok I found that book of yours Kazbah, on the net for cheap. I will talk to DH about getting it for me end of the month.

Rosehip - I am actually trying to do just that, BUT she as an extreamly strong will and that does not always help .. she will just go limp and lay there and I'll talk and talk and talk ....

I'll definatly check that book out too. And it's not that I don't allow hell to break loose in my house, hell's a regular around here currently :p It's just that I'm getting really tired of repeating myself over and over and over again ... I just had a really bad day yesterday and I KNOW I can't let her get away with just getting what she wants, because life is not like that.
I just need some comfort in the fact that I'm not alone .. It's not just me struggeling to get through the TT's.

This morning she refused to greet Kathy, for some unexplained reson she just did not want to say hello. And to me that is rude, not greeting someone. So DH took her to her room (no smacking) and she cried a bit, called to him, he went and got her, explained that she can come out the room if she says hi to Kathy, she said yes, they walked to Kathy and DH nudged her to greet her, she refused, DH turned her around to go back to her room while telling her that she must go back until she decides to greet Kathy, she quickly turned around and apologised to Kathy and greeted her nicely. So this worked this morning ...

My problem is that she is not sleeping well and I keep telling DH she is like this because she is tired and if I have to be really honest with myself I don't believe me and I have to admit that she is spoiled :(

This mothering stuff is really hard, fun and awsome, but hard and confussing :lol:

Nadine we often do time out in a corner, because there are corners everywhere. I usually put her in the most boring corner in the house where I can keep an eye on her and make sure she stays there, plus if she acts up while we are out she can sit in a corner wherever we are. Usually it is when she refuses to sit in the corner that she gets a smack, and then she still has to sit there until I tell her she can get up.