DTD & Pregnancy

Hi all,

Have searched the forums and can't find much info on my situation - most of the threads I found are about it being safe to DTD in pregnancy except when advised not too which is info I know...

My problem (or concern rather) is that I think DP is not attracted to me anymore... I have been thinking this for the past week and feel I can't turn to anyone for advice and it is taking a massive amount of courage for me to post this

Many people have commented and I have always felt the pregnant form is a wonder and quite beautiful... I am currently 24 weeks pregnant and have what I feel is a gorgeous bump... but DP and I haven't DTD in quite some time (feels like it is 6 or so weeks ago... maybe it is more but I vageuly remember something around DPs birthday which is when I was 18 weeks)

I have tried many things that used to work, different times of day, suggestive text messages and I get NO interest - seriously NONE. I can't help but feel rejected.

I asked him a couple of times (not each day) if there was a problem and he reassures me that there isn't, he was just tired and gave me a big hug and held me to sleep... but I see through that - seriously tired for weeks on end... no random little jokes (ie trying to feel me up when I am washing up - weird I know but it is our thing! or him trying to sneak into the shower with me, making sure I have my seatbelt on correctly - so he can feel a boob) - as annoying as those jokes got at times I miss them!

I know he loves me dearly but I am an emotional pg woman who wants a bit of action... I can't help but feel he is either turned off by my changing body or worried about DTD now bubs is moving... we have talked about both things just in our general conversations and he says he has no problem with either and thinks it would be funny if bubs kicked a lot during DTD...

So... I suppose I should stop rambling... I am just over feeling rejected by my love and trying all I can think of including not pushing the item so he doesn't feel pressured but as I said, I want some action and ok emotions building up - have to go - can't cry at work

You're not alone in this. Many women have the same issues where their partner just doesn't seem interested anymore and it's nothing sinister or anything you've done, for some men they probably can even explain why they feel the way they do or even realise it, but for some it can be as simple as not wanting to hurt the baby or it's because of the dynamic change in the relationship so it's not just the two of you being passionate lovers, it's Mum and Dad sex now kwim?

:hug: sorry TK, I'm no expert in this area so can't offer you any help, but wanted to give you a :hug:

awwwww tk! perhaps he just feels uneasy not that you are further along, i mean my DF feels weird sometimes coz there is a baby just there! and it wiggles during the act sometimes! i guess all you can do is talkto him, i myself dont miss it as its really burny and painful everytime but i wish you all the luck in the world!

I think I had a lot of pent up feelings about this topic - have started a waterflow that just will not stop - thankfully no one at work minds... they have checked on me several times but I think I just need to get this out.

Trillian, thank you for your post, you were able to articulate lots of the things I am thinking but can't put into words! I will look for those articles now. I had mainly searched the forums rather than the BB main site :doh:

TG, thanks hun, I needed those hugs

MHB, I think that is part of DPs issues as well but I wish he could talk to me about it rather than saying it isn't a problem because then my over-active imagination goes into overdrive

Ok, off for another cry session - gotta love pg emotions and rationability

Awwww.. Big :hug: tk. FWIW, I am in the same situation as you. For us, dtd stopped at the positive BHP :rolleyes: There was a half-hearted attempt at around 12weeks after I had a major cry session one day and asked him what was up. I have tried to find the answer in many ways, but there is not much response from my DH. I have let him know how I feel, but it's like talking to a brick wall. Like you, I also feel very rejected - the last thing an emotional preggy woman needs!
I think men and women view pregnancy very differently. To us, it is a beautiful, exciting and surreal time. We feel gorgeous and want to be appreciated as this special time in our lives. They just see us as a nursery now I think :rolleyes: If my DH does touch me (belly), it's all about the baby now. It's like I don't exist.
Hang in there, hun. I hope it changes for both os us soon. :hug :hug: :hug:

I thought I would link the articles into this thread in case someone else is going through this and is like me and forgets to look at the BB main site :redface: thanks again for reminding me about the great resources on there Trillian!

Love, Lust and Little Ones - What they never tell you

Servicing Your Relationship

What will happen to my sex life?

Belle,

Thank you for your post - yes that is how I feel - I no longer exist I am the temporary nursery until the bubs is earthside - everything is baby related! Which is fine, I am happy to share those moments with him as well but I also want to share those other intimate moments

:hug: for you as well... I think we both need hugs!

That's OK, it can be tough when you know you have a problem but cant' find the help you're looking for. It will help both of you to talk about it and try to work through some of the feelings that you are both having and try to come to a resolution that suits you. There are plenty of other ways to be inventive about it without going all the way that may suit both of you if he is having trouble overcoming this :hug:

You're not alone TK!! Big hugs coming from me in WA!!!

DH and I have only mastered DTD a few times since my BFP! To be hoenst, we were quite hopeless at it and we both felt a little weird so we are resorting to other forms of intimacy now. We just talk and cuddle lots (we always have but it's so much more important to both of us now) and if there is a bit of built up frustration and DH isn't around, I'm not affraid to take care of myself! My BOF ("battery operated friend" ;) ) is wonderful for releasing a bit of 'tension'. LOL! Can't believe I just said that :redface:

I've asked my DH about it a couple of times and he's said he just feels a bit weird, like there is another person involved and I guess he is right, there is! I kind of feel the same way so it doesn't really bother me too much. He has also told me how much he loves my pregnant body and how beautiful I look but it's more of a 'oh you look so cute honey' and not 'you're one hot, sexy mumma!'. That's ok though, I can imagine it would be a bit weird for him.

I totally understand you being worried about pushing the point though but do talk to him about it and let him know it's upsetting you but it is also ok for him to feel funny about it. A lot of dads-to-be feel like they could hurt the baby or their partner by DTD during pregnancy and many of them just see their partner in a very different light - as a beautiful mum-to-be. I think it would be more of a case of your DP not knowing how to deal with it as opposed to being turned off.

Hang in there honey. So many of us understand. Remember it's very unlikely he's no longer into you, it's just a very different stage of your lives and relationship and as men don't like to 'talk' like us girls do, they tend to just sweep it under the carpet. I'm sure he idolises you more now than ever :hug:

Hi TK

I just wanted to let you know that I have exactly the same thing happening with my DH. It started in my first pregnancy. As soon as I started to show, he just wasn't interested in me, or the bump. I tried everything and the only thing that worked was to ambush him when he had had too many drinks.

I know that he still loved me and the baby but I felt really rejected and it affected our relationship badly for many years. I mean we nearly separated because we had just ingnored the problem and not talked about it. We talked about it a lot before I fell pregnant this time with out emotion so that I could understand his point of view and he could understand mine. He has also spoken to a number of our friends who have recently become dads, some feel the same as him, other have no problem DTD with their wives. It seems some guys just think it is wrong to DTD with a pregnant woman, even after talking to the dr, a psych, a middy he still was convinced it was wrong.

He promised to try to be different this time, but it isn't really. He doesn't like DTD but will be more cuddly to me and is more attentive to my needs this time. We are also much more open about our feelings and more intimate mentally and emotionally, just not physically.

To begin with I took it as a rejection of me and the bubs. But it isn't, it was just a time for him to adjust to the new way our family was going to work. Admittedly as soon as I had given birth he was all up for it :doh: but of course I couldn't do anything!

IMHO I would openly, honestly and calmly let him know how you are feeling (I know how hard it is to do this with out crying) and how it is affecting your self esteem. I came to hate my pregnancy body first time around as I saw it as a barrier in our relationship. But this time I love my body, even though it is huge, and DH is responding to that attitude. Let him know the impact to you. I know it is hard but try not to get angry with him for the way he feels, my husband can't explain it but he just doesn't/can't DTD with me at the moment.

If you want to PM me, please do, I understand completely your frustrations.

HTH

Taurean, thanks hun. I did read your post yesterday but didn't have time to respond. My BOF had a terminal malfunction about a year ago and I never got around to finding a replacement... I really can't believe I am saying that :redface: I think now might be a good time to look into a replacement though!

Rytha, thank you. Your post made me think a lot about things and if nothing else made me realise that I need to process how I feel with him so that our relationship doesn't suffer long term (if that makes sense)

I think getting all of this out yesterday helped immensly - even on a subconcious level. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders just getting it out there - it no longer felt like the black cloud in the corner that no one talks about.

The good news is that it must have also changed my vibe as DP and I DTD last night - no hints from me - I had already decided to leave it be for a while but it just happened... we went to kiss goodnight and that led to more. I think that maybe the biggest thing I learnt from this... sometimes things just happen

Thank you again everyone for your support and sharing your stories. I know that DP and I still have some things to air so that it doesn't become a black cloud but by allowing me to discuss this and letting me know I wasn't the only one - I was able to feel more comfortable about the situation IYKWIM

:grouphug:

Yay TK! That's great hon! Just knowing you're not alone AND that it is very normal makes a huge difference. My DH is home from a business trip tonight so I'm going to try my luck at a bit of action too... if I'm not too tired! LOL!

Best of luck for tonight Taurean! You are right - it does make all the difference knowing that it is not just you