What do I do about this? Issue with my Mum

Ok, my Mum and Dad are divorced and my mum is remarried. The guy she is married to is...well horrible. It is common knowledge that no one likes him. He is rude and arrogant and doesn't treat any of mum's family well at all. I have no idea what my mum is thinking but she is the type of person that doesn't like confrontation and just pretends everything is rosy and everyone gets along perfectly.

Anyway, her husband's children have kids and they call them both Nanna and Pop. At first when their kids were little they weren't ok with them calling my mum Nanna bc it upset their biological Nanna and so they told them this and my mum got really upset and stormed off and yelled at them or something (I wasn't there). So anyway, it was decided too bad about the biological Nanna, the kids would call my Mum Nanna too and everything has been fine since then.

So now I have a DD and as soon as she was born my Mum starts referring to her and her husband as Nanna and Poppy. I DO NOT want DD to call him Poppy. Forget it. Hate is a strong word but I actually hate him!! He is a horrible person and I want DD to have as little to do with him as possible. There is no way I would leave her there with my Mum if he was there, which is sad, I love my Mum and she loves DD. But he doesn't like me either and he was horrible to me when I lived there so I can imagine what he'd be like with her. I am really not comfortable with her calling him Poppy at all and it's not going to happen. I am annoyed at my mum for not even asking me if it was ok or anything. She wouldn't want to confront me bc she'd know what I'd say so she is just trying to do it this way so that I don't have a chance to say anything about it. She always does it in front of him so that it would be really awkward if I say something about it.

I'm scared to talk to her about it after what happened with her other 'grandkids'. She will probably cry and get angry and tell me not to be stupid etc. So what should I do? Just ignore it and tell DD to call him his name when she starts talking? Or do the same as her and just start saying 'here DD say hello to Nanna and T'? What else could I do?

Hmm sounds very familiar to my situation!! I cannot stand my step dad - he treats my mum like utter crap, is the biggest A-hole around and so so SO selfish and immature.

However - my kids don't see their other poppy (my dad) cos he lives in Tassie, so I just sorta suck up my feelings for them ya know? DS is at an age that he will say hello poppy and goodbye poppy - but doesn't have anything to do with him other than that. As soon as we turn up - my step dad is out the door as quick as his legs can carry him... lol... I think he doesn't like me cos when I was younger I yelled at him and got into a huge screaming match with him and told him to stop being such a c*** to my mother... LOL... :redface:

So I think what I am getting at - he may not stay in the room long enough for you to be worried about it. Otherwise, I'd worry when the time comes ;)

i think its best to tell your mum now , before it gets worse.
your an adult and so is she. it can be sorted out , one party might get a bit petty , but life isnt all roses and if she has a cry , explain it to her . and then leave it at that , this isnt about you its about your DD so your mum will have to suck it up . its your daughter . be strong , be her voice untill she has hers x

i was in a situation where my mum and i were at loggerheads over my parenting , she got really upset , but only because it wasnt going the way she wanted it to . but i kept my ways and eventually she apologised ..

hugs :hug:

i know your situation well.... its so much like mine.

Try this, instead of calling him poppy.. call him poppy (name), it seems much more impersonal to me. Also, during convo'z say things like Nanna and (name). That way u dont have to start a fight about it but u are encouraging them not to call him poppy. I mean come on they should get the hint. Or.. call him grandpa, or gramps... alot of men arent into this so that just might fix the problem all together. If they ark up, say she already has a poppy and when she starts talking etc, its good for her to know who im talking about and who shes talking about.

I could go on forever for senarios u could use lol

Not totally the same, but when Darcy was born my SIL kept calling herself 'Aunty'. Not Aunty X, just Aunty. My kids have 2 other Aunties so I hated it. I don't know whether it was her trying to get Darcy to remember her or some pathetic nickname which she is so fond of but I dodn't care.
I would just refer to her as her name not Aunty anything, and now that's what Darcy calls her. We don't see them often, but they've taken the hint.
Same my ILs referred to themselves as Nan and Pop. My sisters kids already call my mum and dad Nanny and Poppy and that's the way I wanted it to stay. They were going to be Grandma and Grandpa. So that's what I always refer to them as. If MIL said Nanny, Darcy would look around for my mum so I would say, no Nanny's at home with Poppy, you go to Grandma....
nasty and subversive but it worked.

We had a few issues with MIL pushing her partner to be called Grandpa. DP and I were furious. She's do it behind our backs and DS1 would just go along with her calling him Grandpa. We don't see them very often so it doesn't really happen much. If it did then I'd be a whole other story and we'd most likely have to say something.
We just explained to DS1 that we call MIL's partner by his name and that it's easier, etc.

I'm sorry I'm not much help. Just wanted to share what happened with us.
GL and :hug:

xox

I have a step grandfather and have always referred to him by his first name. He is not my poppy (or grandfather etc) so i do not call him one.


Just keep in mind that if children learn names a long time before they actually speak them, so whatever you decide will be in her mind earlier than you think - changing it later might get a bit confusing...

I look at it a little differently... :)

I have no idea what your step dad does or why you feel like you do about him... But just putting to you that letting go and releasing those feelings of dislike may help you... What title he is given - is it really that important?

My PIL are referred to as Poppa (name) and her by her first name as she doesn't want to be old like a nanna... :wall:. When I was younger it stuck up my nose... Now - well it's the way it is. The way I choose to react only causes me pain or peace. Reacting to it - it only causes me pain and family disharmony... Seeing it as it is... a woman not wanting to identify with the title of Gran - that causes no pain....

I would tend to step outside the circle here. Don't focus on the negatives of your mum's partner. Focus on harmony and peace in you and the family... It doesn't really matter if they call him Pop at the end of the day it's just a title. How you choose to feel about it is what matters to you. How you see it either causes you peace or pain... Do you see where I am coming from?

Thanks everyone.
It's such an awkward situation!!!! :(
I don't want to hurt my mums feelings but this is important to me.

FC- I would like to look at it that way but I don't think I can bc it's not that he was a horrible person, it's that he continues to be and so I don't really want anything to do with him. I only see him when I have to when I'm seeing my mum. Even though it's just a name it's important to me because I feel like it's a special name for someone who's special in her life. And also my Dad is her Poppy, he is the special one and I don't want to take that away from him (he would def have a prob with it but that's his issue and not why I don't like it).

:hug:

Wow FC. I love the way you look at things. I wish we all had the strength to do that :hug:

Heaven :hug: it is a very difficult situation. If it was me (apart from trying to do what FC suggested!) I would let your mum call her partner whatever she likes. But when you refer to him to your DD, use whatever name you are comfortable with (his first name presumably). She will be far more likely to learn what to call him from you, then from your mum. Down the track when she uses his name rather than Poppy, if anything is said, just shrug and say "she calls xxxx Poppy so I guess she thinks of you as ....".

GL!

I'd always believed it was up to the grandparents (step or otherwise) to decide what they would be called, regardless of how difficult the situation is. On the other hand, I know too that there are emotional attachments to different titles, and it must be difficult to see someone you don't like appropriate a title so affectionate as "poppy". I'm sorry you are caught in this dilemma.

I think a compromise - your dd calling him Poppy and you calling him whatever you want (including rude words under your breath ;)) - might be the best solution, and taking FlowerChild's approach might be best.

On a lighter note, my dh wants to be called Pop when we are grandparents. That's what my FIL is to his grandkids. Unfortunately, it's a title that for some reason I really hate. I like Grandad or Grandpa, but not Pop. Sucks to be me, I guess ;) (I shall be Grandma, thankyouverymuch, as long as it isn't too soon!!)