How do i tell her??

at the moment i have one of my girlfriends living with us, and she has a 2 yo son. i have no problems whatsoever with my gf, but her child is horrible - and as much as i feel like such a bad person saying it, i can't stand him being here. he has major behavioural issues, nothing diagnosed, so i'm not having a go at a child with issues, but he is so naughty. almost vindictive.

i don't want my ds to get any of the traits that this child is displaying, and i'm getting increasingly resentful of having him here. what do i say to my gf? i don't want to ruin our friendship, but i can't stand him.

and i'm not saying my kids are perfectly behaved, they do all the normal kid stuff, but it even brings my gf to tears the stunts that this kid pulls - he spits in her face when she says no, he slaps her, he screams constantly for no reason, he's just plain nasty.

how do i bring this up with my gf, that i think maybe she should move out??

Im not sure on asking her to move out, i cant see that going well. but have you talked to her about her childs behavior? has she ever brought it up. Maybe you could talk to her about it, maybe she needs help with him and that may make you feel better if you work together.
I understand that it isnt really your problem and you do have kids of your own, just a thought.

gosh!!!
while he has nothing diagnosed... his behaviour is just not acceptable (not for any age!!) and i totally feel for his mum!
I think you really need to have a sit down with the mum and try to come across in a way that isn't attacking her (or could be percieved that way) Your friend needs alot of support.

I have no clue on your girlfriends background or what the 2 year old has been thru.. but 2yo's dont just learn how to spit on people and slap them without some sort of bad behaviour from a adult or older child. The sooner your girl friend reins in her 2yo bad behaviour the better. It might be worth seeing if you can find any parenting books or anything to do with the nanny?? what was her name the chic from the UK... anyways the child may need more attention/quality time with his mum. But most of all he needs boundaries, he needs to know that as soon as he misbehaves he will get some form of punishment (naughty mat) and that mum has to be consisitant.. she can't let it slip up. (kids constantly test parents out to see how far they can go and what they can get away with doing!)

Aside from any parenting gems you can let her in on... :)
You have a right to be wary of what behaviour he is modeling for your children! Kids are like sponges and they will soak everything up. Like the saying "Kids do as you do. Not as you say!!"

She also needs to think of turning his bad behaviour around so he can later go to daycare (if needed), be left with other family or friends, starting kinder/preschool and the big kindergarten/prep year at school.

im not sure how you'd word it out to her, that you think she and her son should move out. perhaps figuring if your willing to help out if she is willing to stick to some guidelines and seeing improvement with behaviour... i think youre in quite a predicament! Wishing u luck!

Wow, I so have to wonder what kind of relationship your gf has been in recently but it worries me that her son has picked up these kinds of traits. A lot of stuff like this isnt just out of the blue - he too will have seen it somewhere and picked it up much the same way you are worried yours will.

It does sound like that yes she really needs help with it and is no doubt heart broken at the loss of a nice close relationship with her son.

There really is no easy answer. Sometimes the best way to handle a sticky negative is to try and make a positive. Such as offering to help her find her own place and some stuff for it. Then she will feel that you are helping her, not tossing her into the too hard basket.

Inertia i have a few friends whose kids act in similar ways and they didn't see it anywhere, though they have now been diagnosed with various behavioural problems. 2 is VERY young for them to be able to diagnose anything because lots of perfectly normal kids are wild/can't talk/etc. etc. at 2.

If i were you i would sit my friend down, state calmly that it is clear her son's behaviour is not great for your kids to be around, and that since it's not coming from her current life (i assume she doesn't slap or spit at him!) perhaps it's time she took him to the GP to see what is behind it. If he has been abused by a past partner of hers then he can have play therapy. If he has a behavioural issue they can begin looking at that. Meantime you need to lead by emaple, it's your house, if he acts up towards you or your kids or your things you are allowed to pull him up for it. Be gentle, firm, make it clear, you understand his anger, but you will not tolerate violence. Don't use it yourself (2 year olds will not get that only grown ups are allowed to hit them but they may not hit back), model gentleness and respect and expect it of all family members. Meet his anger and aggression with calm indifference, you will communicate when he is ready to calm down, you will play only if he stops hitting, the story will only continue when he is sitting calmly to listen. He sounds like a very damaged or disordered little boy, with your help and encouragement his mum can make sure he DOESN'T grow up like this.

Bx

i should have given more background - my gf is staying here as she was in a very abusive relationship with her child's father - both verbal and physical. my gf also has a bipolar disorder. i feel really bad for her ds that this has been his first couple of years of life - i'm not a monster - but atm i'm also dealing with my own child who isn't sleeping as she's cutting a few teeth, so to deal with someone else's, who is a horror, is very hard.

i have spoken to her about his behaviour, and she's drawing blanks as to what to do. i started putting him in time out after he repeatedly attacked my old dog, after being chastised. he looked at me and growled at me when i told him to stop squeezing my dog's gammy ear - so i put him in the bedroom for 2 minutes. i hate to say it, but it was so gratifying to hear him scream. god i'm horrible.

i just don't know what to do, i love my gf, and i don't want this to create a wedge between us, but i'm worried that i'm going to lose the plot at her ds, which will cause a fight anyway.

Oh no, what a horrible situation to be in.....what makes it harder is that you are trying to help your friend which is evry nice of you and im sure she appreciates it but you do not have to tolerate this kind of behaviour from another person's child.Can i ask when he does spit on her or slap her what does she do? Does she discipline him or let him get away with it?
I wonder if it has anything to do with any certain foods...perservatives?? What sets him off, surely he isnt this bad all the time.

It's great that you have spoken to your friend about this and i really hope things improve soon before you do lose it with the little boy. Take care x

I find timeouts a very useful tool for situations when a child is not willing or not able to follow instructions, and screaming about it is a very common reaction when it is new. My DD takes HERSELF to time-out now if she's getting out of control. So long as the time out is followed by a re-connection (I say "i put you on the step because..... Why did that happen?" and we talk about it all, apologies are made where appropriate and we cuddle and make-up) i feel it is a loving and useful tool.

Bear in mind that if his mother is bipolar and has been suffering symptomshe may have been growing up around apparent emotional instability as well as verbal ad physical abuse. This little family need help - who is her doctor, who treats her bipolar? Can she get to a triple P course or similar? Is there provision in your area for mothers with mental health problems? Mabe you can help her access the services they both so badly need?

Bx

It sounds as though your gf has been having a really tough time. And if her DS has had her in tears, I would say that she might welcome some gentle assistance. Perhaps you could suggest she contact PPP to see if she could get in for one-on-one sessions or something like that. Or maybe you could attend a group class together so that she is not alone. There are a few programs like that, and it might really help your gf. They would also be able to advise whether or not the DS might need further assessment.

In the meantime, books such as Toddler Tactics by Pinky Mackay have some great tips for handling toddler behaviours, as well as some insights into what causes them.

I know you are worried about your kids also - it might be a good opportunity to explain to them why the behaviours they are seeing are not acceptable. I am sure they will be able to understand why it's not ok to copy.

GL with it hun, it's not an easy situaiton. You are a great friend for helping your gf out when she needs you most.

thanks for all your supportive responses girls, my gf's ears must have been burning, cause she got home about 30mins ago, with screaming child in tow, and said she can't take him anywhere, he just screams and she doesn't know what to do.

i mentioned to her to get in contact with our local community health centre on monday and get him assessed by someone there who deals with kids. i did say to her that her ds had had a bumpy 2 years though, and it's to be expected that he'll have some issues.

i just feel so bad for her that she's not enjoying any aspect of motherhood (her own words) because of his behaviour. and i feel like a bad person for *****ing about him.

unfortunately, my ds is only 2.5, so it's a bit hard to explain to him that we don't copy the bad behaviour.

oh, and westy, we thought about the foods etc, but i'm fairly pedantic about the kids eating fresh, healthy foods, and yup, he's like it all the time...

R, don't be so sure that your 2yo doesn't understand hun. They understand a lot more than they let on ;) I know mine does!

mr - you're probably right, he's a smart little chicken... hopefully he can see that it's not getting positive attention.

I think you're an awesome friend to be providing her with this level of support.

I also think you should re-frame what you're feeling. You don't dislike/hate/resent the 2 year old - its his behaviour you dislike/hate/resent. Don't beat yourself up about being an awful person. That kind of behaviour is hard to tolerate and is probably preventing you from feeling much of a bond with him (beyond the intellectual knowledge that he's had a rough time so far). It would be good to focus on his behaviours (actual examples) in any discussions you have with your friend about him. His behaviour and her feelings. So it would go something like "When X does a, b, c, it affects me/my kids in e, f, g ways and I can see it affecting you too".

I definitely think you guys need a third person or service involved. One that's trained to deal with these kinds of behaviours in 2 year olds. A pp was right, 2 is awfully young to be making any kind of formal diagnosis - it's shaky ground - but behaviour problems can be managed and improved over time.

I really hope that she is able to access some kind of service or assessment for him that leads to greater support for her (and you and your DH) as well as practical strategies to manage him. Whether you still need them to move out, only you can answer. You have to do what's right for your family - just because they don't live with you (if that's what you decide) doesn't mean that you still can't provide a large amount of support.

Good luck hun. That's a really difficult situation to be in.