i ruined my body - and now im sufferning for it ..

leaving highschool i was and had been for a while 165cm tall and 65kg , size 12 and happy with my body , i have a hourglass shape so its very feminine .

around 2002 i went oversease by myself (18) and lived the life ... started to put on weight but i didnt really notice ...

after a while i did notice and i was equivlalent to a sz 16 (sz 18 in UK) ! so i thought i need to lose weight and quick coz by this time i had depression and wanted to despreratly for a man to love me ... all my frineds were bed hopping and i wanted to aswell.

i thought about my friend who had bulima and how she "coped"/hid is so well , shes tiny and skinny (but thats her frame) so i thought i will purge after everymeal aswell ....

(if your sane and not suffering depression , you dont really think like that) so on i went happy that i could eat what ever . i ate everything (and stole food from work) and purged it all up .... as im an extremeist i wasnt happy with just purging , so i ate laxative each night before bed and late at night tummy pains woke me and i would s*hit it all out .. voimt in the day and crap it all out at night ... on top of smoking alot to stop the hunger pains .

i became a miserable mess . so i rung mum and said i was on my way home ..... i then planned an "escape " across dubai and asia, vowing to be a diferent person by the time i got home ...

it kinda worked ... i flet better about my self and reduced my purging a lazative use as it was hard to hide things like that when i was on a group tour and room sharing , but i chose my food intake wisely and still was the fattest one in the group ...

by this time i weighed 83 kgs ... the heaviest ive ever been even when PG !!

i retunred homw so desperate for aman to love me so i shacked up with a guy who wasnt ideal but i was happy i got some attn (even if it meant he was smashed off his face on dope and booze ... )

my stepsister wasa little bigger too so we decied to buy a huge lot of fat blaster max ... the strong ones ... i became addicted and popped up to 8 pills a day !!

hooraay i was now back to a sz 12 and 65 kgs again , i was me !! so i started looking for love (complex anyone ? lol)

i went out on a date with scott (now my DH) and he loved every bit of me .. we fell in love and i was happy (ish ) but not happy enough to stop "eating" diet pills.

i worked full time in a busy clothing store and hardly ate as i was so busy and loving i was losing weight and just spent all my time and money on looking good ..

a couple of months on scott noticed i was getting thin , and i loved it , but he didnt ...

enter the misscarriges i had ..... enter the depression :(

i got so bad i hepped myself up on red bulls and diet pills to make myslef forget (studies show caffiene in large amounts can cause misscarrige... for me this rang true as fatblaster tabs are FULL of caffiene and i had 3-4 redbull cans a day )

so after myslef nociting that my size 9 jeans were MASSIVE on me i needed new clothes ..... i also decided to weigh myself ..... 54 kgs ..

so i go clothes shopping in my store where i worked and came out with everything in a size 6 !!

i was very skinny and my chest was like a cattle grid ...

so i was happy about it as it meant on our holiday to fiji i would wear skimpy togs for he first time in my life !!

on holiday we got engaged and talked about our future . it was exciting


about 3 mths before our wedding was happening (we wnet back to fiji to marry and the whole fam came !) i went shopping for a dress ... i loved a aqua green dress , just my style and was so pretty ... tried it on but was devestated that it was MASSIVE on me , so i asked for a smaller sz - a size 6 and the lady thought i was joking , until i came out of the dressing room , wearing a dress that quite clearly needed altering if i didnt come in a sz 6. ...


i bought it anyway and waited till closer to get if fixed ..... lucky enough for me i fell PG with DS (planned) and the dress fitted beautifully :)

from the pg i gained about 22 kgs , then lost about 28 then gained only 11 with DD's pg ..

BUT NOW ... a few months ago , i wieghed back in at 65 kgs ... my normal weight a weight i should be happy with ..

so went to weight watchers and worked hard to lose a FEW kgs ... only lose about 3-4 just to slim down a bit ..

i have now ruined my body with so much stuff .. .i cant stop losing weight ... i gave up WW ages ago as i had reaced goal of 62 ..


all those nasty diet pills really took a toll and now when i should be happy and healthy, im a mum of 2 and fading away , its interfearing with breastfeeding as my supply has dropped and dd is getting fussy becase shes so hungry for milk , but when i weigh in every couple of days , and find that im losing 200- 400 gms every few days , its no wonder why my supply is low :(

i can not stop losing weght ... im not even trying .. now im in at 58 kgs ... only 4 kgs away from my pre pg wieght with my first born ..

i am lookg horrid .. .all hip bones and chest bones , my boobs have gotten really small and they look tiny on my body ...

i recently bought jeans in a 8 and a top in a 6 ....

i have ruined my bodys abilty to keep weight stable and on top of that suffer with my health... i have raynauds &vasospasam and im a weakling ...

its great to be slim .... but when you become so skinny that ppl think im the babysitter and not the mum becasue i have no "mummy fat" and the fact that i can shop in the girls section , its not so fun ...
:(

on top of this i am going back on anti depressants soon and they ALWAYS make me lose wieght , i have been on and off them enough to know what it does to my body .... :(

just thought id share and "let it all out"

DIET PILLS SUCK !!!!

Lea, I am so sorry that you have been through so much :hug: FWIW I think you would look goreous at any weight - you have such a lovely face and I am so jealous of your curls!

Have you seen a doctor about your weight loss? Is it possible that there is a different cause - maybe something that a doctor could help with? Also don't forget that bfing can raise your metabolism and make it easier to lose weight. Losing weight shouldn't have an impact on your milk supply - so it makes me wonder if there is something else that might need to be checked out. I really hope that this is just a phase and that it settles down for you hun.

Lea - you are very brave for putting your story out there for us all to read! I pray that things work out and your body begins to stabilize the weight loss!

You are a wonderful mother/wife and bb contributor! If you need to talk to us we are always here for you!

thanks guys !

MR -thanks for saying i have a nice face , i honestly thought/think its the worst part of me , ovbiously i have big issues about it .

I think my body issues stem from when an ex i had in high school ( actually my ist reall boyf , the one who took my virginity ) told me , Id be the perfect girlfriend if i was a lot thinner and had more "common knowlegde " about things .. :0 (i was a sz 12 in high school , normal size)

so basically to him i was fat and dumb ... .. he broke my heart and i hear his comments in my head all the time ..

:hug: hun. I'm sorry you're going through and have been through so much. I have huge issues with myself too, but it is opposite for me in that I can't stop eating and putting weight on at the moment. I was exactly the same size as you when I met DH at 19 until my first m/c, and have steadily put about 5 kg's on after each pg. Now I'm up to about 85kg and have never been so fat. I hate it. I had issues before this too, all my life actually, probably from my dad and brothers I think. Anyway, I didn't want this to be about me, lol!! But I have some idea of how you feel.

A thought occored to me reading your story, could you have a hormone imbalance maybe? Perhaps your thyroid? I'd definately see a doctor and have some testing done.

Lea - i am sorry you have had such a hard time with this weight / loss journey.

I just wanted to say - when i saw you last (when you came over to my house for the Cloth nappy meet). i thought you looked beautiful and healthy!

you are such a beautiful girl - especially when you smile! You had a glow about you each time i saw you.

I never knew you were going through all this on the inside.

so i dont really know what to say but send you big *hugs*.

:comfort: Lea and lots of big squishy :hug:

You have really had a struggle over the years, I don't think I will have a true understanding as I have not been in your shoes, but perhaps a small part of it.

I would speak with a Dr about the recent weight loss, I too have been concerned with mine. End of January I was 70kg (had dropped to 68 post bub, but went back up to 70), decided I wanted to lose 10kg (I was 64 pre preg, but I was doing a lot of weights so a lot more muscle), lost 7 and was happy at 63kg, then the rest just started to fall off, I stopped trying to lose weight and it has just fallen off.

Recently I have recieve a LOT of comments about my size, accopaied with a look of concern, I bought a new pair of size 8 jeans and they are too big, I am 165cm too and 58kg, I do not want to lose any more weight, may face is looking very thin, you can really see it, I am glad that it is winter and I can cover up. So I can understand just that small part of you story.

Comments made by you EX have cut very deeply and were made at a time where they can have the biggest impact, and it seem that they have continued to play a huge role in your life, and they often rise when one is feeling vulnerable. I hope you can see past these with time and know that you are a beautiful person, and that it doesn't matter what others think of your size, if you can search deep within yourself and find that size where you are most happy and find a way to be achieve that.

I struggled with being happy with my size for many years until I found a PT who made me

I don't know if any of that helps, if not, please take comfort that we are here to support you :hug:
Take care
xxoo

Double post

Thanks for sharing your story Lea :hug: I also lose weight easily when BFing... so I didn't think much of it with my 3rd baby but when I started to get other symptoms like mood changes i decided to get checked out by my GP... who ordered a blood test after I basically demanded one. My thyroid levels were through the roof... meaning my metabolism was too fast... which is why I was losing so much weight, my bones stuck out too. I am 170cm and got down to 61kg... and I have a solid skeleton.

So I highly recommend you ask for a thyroid function test make sure they test for all three: T4 TSH and T3... not just T4 like some doctors do and get a false normal result. At the very least you will have peace of mind. A hyperactive thyroid is NOT fun at all... can be quite dangerous... and will play havoc with not just your weight but your moods and even your hair may start to become brittle/fall out. I don't want to worry you unnecessarily it's just that my GP said thyroid problems after having a baby is an incredibly under-diagnosed problem in the community with lots of tragic results. Don't worry about your past so much... what's done is done... there are worse things you could have done in your youth believe me!!! Try to look forward and work on eliminating one cause at a time darl :hug:

thanks bath , i have been tested twice for thyroiod , both times were fine , but i didnt know there were more than 1 to be tested for .

Beema - we are pretty much the same size and height , i jsut bought sz 8 jeans that need a belt :rolleyes: with out sounding sinister , its good to know there is someone out there going through the same thing ..

Kel - body issues suck huh?? i cant stop eating crap food , in winter esp , and for some reason it keeps coming off :dunno: and i hardly ever excersice :redface: